Soulful

I really do. The angry and judge mental words come out of my mouth faster then my logical thought process of "don't do it, he needs your support"...
I just, I know it comes down to "I need to suck it up and work at this as hard as he does". But I feel so exhausted, I am so exhausted from feeling exhausted. I can't even enjoy a weekend at the beach, without feeling like my mind is spinning out of control.
How do I find compassion to a husband that did cocaine for almost 3 years, as long as his son was born, and to all the money lost, stolen, all the lies...
It feels so raw and I don't have a clue how to snap out of this pain anymore.

chicory

Soulful,

I am sorry you are struggling. It sounds like a very hard place to be in.
I can't say I know what having a spouse who abused drugs is like, but I do know what it is like to worry over someone elses drinking so much that I felt like I would lose my mind.
When I get that bad, I realize I need to detach, and take care of myself. Give myself the peace I deserve, so I can heal and enjoy my life again.

What do you think you need? Being supportive is one thing, but losing yourself doing it is another. He needs to get well with or without your support. It has been very stressful for you, dealing with his using, lies, theft, etc.

take care of you. take a break. get away, if you can, if you want. its your life too.
hope things get better soon for you.

Ann

I can't add to the wise words that Chic offered, it really is about taking care of you and not feeling trapped by "his" addiction or recovery.

As for spewing bad things and then feeling bad...I heard this prayer a long time ago and say it often...

Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Hugs

Soulful

Hah, better than my imaginary duct tape, that's for sure. lol

Thank you, I need some "me" time. I feel guilty because I have a son to take care of, and I feel guilty to just take off somewhere. I know it doesn't have to be that dramatic... But I do feel like taking off. I just feel like being alone in the middle of the jungle for couple of days. Alone. Completely alone.
What do I do?

Soulful

All I want to know at this point is if it gets any easier, because it feels like torture right now.

MsPINKAcres

((Soulful))

I do believe it does get easier - but it takes work

I know it seems crazy that we should have to work - when "they" are the ones with the problem - but it's for our own benefit.

For me, when I decided to start applying the recovery principles to my life on a daily, hourly basis - my inner peace increased - then I was able to be more patient with myself and others. I learned what HEALTHY compassion was and how to share that with Myself & with others, regardless of their attitude toward me.

Do I do this always - not even close - but I do it more than before & Progress not perfection is a start

deep breaths - One Day at a time - How important is it - first things first
you can do this - you deserve the peace

pink hugs

atalose

It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment to work through. Just because they are not doing drugs/drinking and are recovering or just abstaining doesn’t mean you need to “suck it up and have all kinds of compassion” for him.

Begin with compassion for yourself and know it’s ok to feel angry – anger is a great motivator. The resentment may need lots more work on.

Have you thought about a recovery group for yourself? Like al-anon or nar-anon? Both of those groups are for YOU and you can learn how to work through all of these feelings you are feeling.

As for the needing time alone (can’t blame you) how about family? Do you have any family around or that you can go visit?

endlesspatience

A lot of recovery programmes have a spiritual aspect to them and that can help.

Charioteer

Can't agree more with the others. If you're irritable, annoyed, angry, and unhappy, then something is wrong and it's well within your power to make it right. You don't need to just sit there, grit your teeth, and bear it... you have options. If you feel relieved and at peace when you're all alone, then go and be all alone for a little bit. Do what makes you happy, because you can have happiness and don't need to lose yourself and sacrifice everything just for the sake of your addict's recovery.

JOIE12

Thanks Ann, short quick reminder

JOIE12

it's no wonder you are in pain. Most often the loved ones of addicts have no one to share with or vent to. It's a terribly lonely place but a must to get us off the hamster wheel.

Mountainmanbob

It's probably going to take a long time and a lot of work on both sides of the road. I still (many, many years later) still remember the massive amounts of monies that I wasted and the pain that I caused for others.

Reminds me of where I wish not to return.

MM

thequest

Compassion, support, sympathy, empathy are all different things and don't necessarily need to shown all at once. And judge mental words... they might be "judge mental" but they also might be accurate.

SnoozyQ

You sure have a right to be angry .

But in the end Hun anger consumes you and eats away at you from the inside out.
It's probably hurting you more than anyone so you just have to let it go.

Whilst you feel this way , your gorgeous little son is not getting all of his Mum.you can't fix yesterday , tomorrow is not here yet , so just be the best Mum you can be to your little boy today .

One day at a time and he will love you for it . Spoil him today & see how great that feels, that'll release some of your negativity

Much love
Snoozy

LegioVIVictrix

I think you say what you need to say. None of us ever hears anything that we don't need to hear.

You have every right to be angry. And you have every right to do what you need to do to take care of you and get yourself on an even emotional footing. From the sound of it, you're foundational member of the family right now and without you, solid and steady, the whole house falls.