jada1981

Hi SR. It's been 2 months since I last posted. AH and I both agreed to start attending meetings and really work the programs. This lasted for about a month, and then work and kids got in the way and we stopped going to meetings.

After 45 days sober, AH drank again...and lied about it. Then told me the truth about 4 days later. This had a huge effect on me, basically send me into a mini-depression. Essentially, bringing back the same feelings of hopelessness and resentment I have mostly had over the last 12 years of our relationship.

I have not been good about setting my boundaries, which were that AH be in AA, find a sponsor and WORK the program. We discussed this yesterday and he went to a meeting and plans to go again today. However, since we discussed it, he has been sulking and pouty, as I would put it. Not really talking to me, slamming drawers, etc. (His typical passive aggressive behavior.)

I realize that I need to be in Al-Anon and get a sponsor, so I will be doing that. I'm concentrating on me again. Once he woke up this morning, I came to my office to get a bit of work done. My brother-in-law is having a house warming party tonight and I plan on taking the kids regardless of whether AH comes. (In the past, in a situation like this, I would worry about if AH is going to be pouty and then get mad if he didn't come to the party.) I know I need to concentrate more on making myself happy. One thing I am not sure of, is how to handle his sulking. I've asked him what's wrong a couple of times, and he says nothing. So, I've decided to go ahead and just ignore it until he comes out of it. My normal behavior would probably be to bug him about it or get mad about it myself and then start a fight. However, I see how that is not productive.

Refiner

Hi there. My usual go-to advice for this kind of situation is to never let another define who you are or even what kind of mood you should be in. You have an event to look forward to and enjoy with you and your kids. So GO. If he chooses to get off his pity pot and do the same, then great. If he doesn't, that's his loss, not yours. Don't make your own happiness contingent on another person.

shil2587

I agree with refiner. I know exactly how hard it is because we worry about them and although I know it's not about me, I find it hard not to feel rejected when my A relapses. BUT the best way I have found to deal with that is to get on with normal life without him. If you have commitments, keep them. Cook normally for yourself. Keep busy. It helps pass the time until he gets sober again and couple life resumes.

LexieCat

This sounds more like a "rule" for him than a boundary for you. Boundaries are things you for YOURSELF do to protect yourself from unpleasant or irresponsible behavior.

Even if it were a good idea for you to monitor how he's working his program (which it isn't), how would you ever enforce such a thing? Have him report to you what his work is with the sponsor and then confirm it with the sponsor?

Most people--not just alcoholics--don't respond well to other people's attempts to control their behavior. The more you focus on your OWN program and stay OUT of his, the better for you.

NYCDoglvr

There's nothing you can say or do that will make any difference, unfortunately. Try to ignore him. Alanon made a huge difference in my recovery, I learned to let go of the alcoholic and keep the focus on me and my recovery.