Kamie1

Look I'm doing it, I'm posting before I cave and have a drink. I meant what I said, I don't want to drink ever again, but this is hitting me so hard!

I have never ever felt the desire to drink quite so much before. It's taking every part of me to say no and I'm not winning. I have a great desire to pick open some old wounds and alcohol helps me do that.

TroyW

Quickly, answer me one question.

What's your dream in life? If you could have anything, what would it be?

Dee74

Hi Kamie

there's always support here
Have you seen these cravings tips?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

stick around - let us talk you through it.

maybe talking through these old wounds might be better?

D

Kamie1

My marriage back 😔

silentrun

You are doing it! You are right in the middle of it and holding on.

endlesspatience

I'm going to blunt with you here, Kami because I think there's no advantage and sugar coating this for you. I have read your initial post again and I can see that you have been drinking heavily for more than 20 years. You have been arrested. You say that your drinking was one of the main reasons you divorced. When your mother was sick, you responded by getting drunk and therefore could not offer support. You have missed work on many occassions and when you do work, you leave early, come home and drink.

You joined this site in 2013 and since then you have posted less than 20 times. You say you went to AA a couple of times but you didn't go back because you didn't feel you were like the people you met there.

Let's be clear. The people you met in AA went there to address drinking problems, many of which were as serious as yours or worse. They can and will support you if you go back because they understand you.

Those of us who use SR to support our recovery can also share our experiences with you. But our assitance will be limited if you only speak to us a couple of times a year.

Look at your life and ask if you want to continue like this. If not, what changes are you going to make?

Kamie1

I seriously don't get this. My life has been so amazing and blessed without the alcohol so why is it now that my brain is trying to railroad me!

I know the joy of being sober and I know what a mess my life was drunk. I had such a break through on Friday and now I feel like I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. You know that little demon that sits in your ear saying why are you doing this to yourself, you know your going to cave anyway just do it!

silentrun

I remember I would get cravings so bad I would sit in the bathtub rocking back an forth. It can be pretty intense in the beginning. I did notice that as soon as the liquor store closed it would stop. (10pm in MN)

Do you have access to alcohol right now? If at all possible can you get yourself safe from it? I know some places sell it 24/7. If you can remove it as a possibility you might be able to cut the cravings. Otherwise a dose of sugar can help in an emergency.

Dee74

I'm sorry. I wished for a long time I could get my exes back too.

Breakups are painful, but they allowed me to work on myself like I'd never done before.

I think that's a lot to do with why life is so good now.

I'm comfortable with who I am, and my relationship choices now reflect that.

I never grew as a drinker, but I grew a lot after it.

Try and remember than pain is not forever - there are good times ahead - none of us would be here if that wasn't true

D

Dee74

The AV doesn;t die easily...but every time we stare it down, we get a little stronger, and it gets a little weaker, Kamie.

you won't regret walking up sober tomorrow morning

D

silentrun

That's normal. When that would happen to me I immediately showed it my pain and fear. It conjured up those immense horrible feelings and started to associate it with alcohol. That's the reality, not whatever that voice is trying to tell you. You can do this.

Berrybean

It's not your 'brain', it's your addiction. What we call our AV. It lies to us. Tells us all the things that it thinks will (and have in the past) made us pick up a drink. Our AV used the language of logic, and so can be easily confused with our brains.
One of hardest things for me was learning to recognise my AV. 18 months into recovery, my AV still twitters away at times, but now I know it for what it is, I can tell it to hush and ignore it ( a bit like a nagging child).

Mickey B does a great description of the AV and how it works in some of his recovery talks (for AA) - it's worth having a listen if you're struggling. Lots of great tips, plus he's proper funny as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJXNmvDvXn4

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back Kamie. Keep on posting - we will help you through

Kamie1

How dare you! I have been drinking for 20 years however I am a none physically dependent alcoholic. I wasn't even aware there was a problem until a couple of years ago. When your whole family and friends are problem drinkers too it's hard to see the problem.
As for the situation with my mother, I was working full time and attending uni as well when she got diagnosed and for a good amount of time after as well, but with the added responsiblity of having to look after her during the night as well. I had zero time to drink during that stage, until she was near the end of life. I am not ashamed to say I was overwhelmed. I hit the bottle more after she passed!
Yup I have missed days due to drinking but never once have I left to come home to drink, felt like it but never acted on it.
Do you know why I didn't post more than a handful of times since 2013? I was suffering from sucidal depresion. It was all I could do to stay alive. I couldn't even think of sorting my drinking out at that time, even though I wanted to!

Yup my drinking may have caused some of the issues in my marriage, I am more than aware of this but I can assure you that it wasn't all me!

Guess what AA is not for nor does not help everybody. You have to find what works for you and it's not for me.
I have an appointment with a clinical Pscychologist tomorrow afternoon.

The reason I logged on here today was because people have told me to reach out before I have a drink, so I could get help. Instead I get your compleatly judgmental comment which quite frankly if I wasn't so committed to my sobriety would have given me my reason to drink. Think before you speak and if your going to drag up my old posts at least get it right.

Maybe this isn't the place for me if I can't post without fear of it being used against me!

silentrun

How are you right this moment Kami? Being angry can be a huge trigger. Just breathe OK.

Alaskachick

Kamie: My husband left me for another woman and so I do understand what you're going through. I thought I had a solid marriage and I was completely devastated. I hit the vodka pretty hard before, during and after my divorce but the drinking only increased my depression and damaged my health. It's okay to mourn the loss of your marriage and to feel sad but please don't drink over it. The healing process for me didn't start until I stopped numbing myself with alcohol and allowed myself to grieve in a healthy way. The emotional chaos eventually subsided and today I am sober, happy and healthy. Please don't give in to the temptation to drink.

Kamie1

I'm sitting in the park smoking my head off just trying to get to the time where I can justifiably get ready for bed so I can get up and go to work tomorrow like a normal human being!

Kamie1

Thank you all for reaching out.

silentrun

If your home is alcohol free maybe getting into your pjs is a good idea. I once didn't go to the liquor store because once the bra comes of...

Mags1

Hiya Kamie, good on you for not picking up. Ride the storm, the weather comes out better the other side. Everyone has your best interests at heart on this forum. Though you may not see that.

AA wasn't for me , I stuck close to this site, especially when the cravings drove me crazy.