pattyj

Do you have to let the alcoholic in your life know that you are detaching from them?

And can you detach from those who are co-dependent on the alcoholic in your life?

AnvilheadII

no rules to follow here, except to do what is best for YOU.

maia1234

In my opinion detaching is something for you. It's part of not engaging with the A's in your life. Not really sure about telling them that you are detaching, its more of an action word.
Hugs my friend. Keep reading, and educating yourself

pattyj

Okay. I just wasn't sure if a conversation should be had before I start really detaching and not letting her be apart of my life. I had one conversation about not wanting to be around her drinking. She told me that she would rather see me than drink. That lasted one gathering and then was back to drinking. I gave an ultimatum that I would leave if I see her drink. I haven't held up my part to that. I would rather not show up at all because I know that outcome. I have greatly lowered my expectations, as per my therapist, and just expect her drink. But sense I know it's going to happen, I would rather not come at all.

My brother and sister in law have some drinking issues of their own and make excuses for my mom. I hardly ever see them much anymore. Sad, but it is what it is.

My sister and brother in law see my parents much more than I do. My sister does talk to me a lot about our mom's problems but she doesn't hold up her ultimatums either. It runs in the family.

My dad talks to me about my mom's issues whenever I see he but he doesn't do anything on his part other than be co-dependent of her so I sadly don't see my dad very often.

My brother and sister just do what my mom says to do. I don't fit in with that because I don't have anything that she wants (i.e. grandkids). I guess I'm lucky in that area because I can walk away at anytime but that action is easy to say and very difficult to do.

maia1234

P- This is a FAMILY disease, as you can see. I understand that your mother has groomed all of you, as A's do. You all accept inappropriate behavior, as everyone here has accepted. (you are no different then me) What you need to learn is how not accept inappropriate behavior. So how do you do that?

You worry about you, what is best for you, you have a program to work also. When you "say" something (not threaten) you HAVE to always follow through. If you invite your mom out for dinner or to a movie, advise her you would prefer her not to be drunk or drinking when she is around you. Say it ONCE, she will get it. So show up if you see, smell, feel anything is not right, tell her that you will take a rain check and LEAVE. You don't need to discuss her drinking, as I am sure you have discussed it till you were blue in the face.

Then try it again another time. If same thing happens, leave. Give her the benefit of the doubt engage, if she sees that you don't want to be with her maybe she won't drink, and maybe she continues to. She knows what you are asking. If she chooses to drink, you choose to stay away. She will slowly get the hint that you don't want to be around her.

I know that you say she doesn't care. A's do care they just love alcohol more then us. This is very hard for us non A's to comprehend. Please don't take it personally, they are addicts and there addiction will always come first. They feel they need alcohol like we need air and water. Not much different. Start making subtle changes how you deal with her. No lecturing, screaming, crying. Stay calm, collected and try not to engage an alcoholic, you will always lose.

Hugs to you!!

pattyj

Thank you Maia. You are correct that this is a family disease as we are all effected by it in our own way. I like the fact that you said 'if she chooses to drink, you choose to stay away.' While I understand that it is an uncontrollable disease, she can choose to not drink in front of me for a couple of hours. And if she does choose to drink, I don't have to be around it. That is my choice. If it was any other person, I would not put up with it. And neither would the rest of my family. I just need to put that choice into action. Thanks for your advice!

maia1234

Patty, So when you brothers and sisters see that maybe mom is staying sober for you, they will implement it in their life. You never know. Just don't get angry or upset, just say we will make another date at another time and leave. A's love conflict. They figure that you will fight with them, that is why they had to drink. If there is no fighting, there is no excuse to drink.

You are an enabler, gtd to you as a child of an alcoholic. Most non enablers would never accept this behavior that we accept. They would move on, and quickly. Us enablers stay and help, fix, do what ever we can to put out the fire. We never allow the fire to just happen the way it's suppose to happen. Everyone "helps" Mom. Your vacation is so far away. Just like in aa we take one day at a time. Worry about today and tomorrow will fall into place the way God want's it to be.

Hugs my friend, start executing your program!!!