Trying to figure out if I have blinders on.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Trying to figure out if I have blinders on.
Trying to figure out if I have blinders on. Without too much detail up front, are these signs of a healthy and normal relationship or did I end up in the place I swore I would never be in again?
Bullet Points
Co-dependent person with alcoholic relationships for over 25 years. Finally had someone open my eyes and guided me to the most wonderful counselor. Spent two years alone and learning about me.
Felt so strong!
Met a guy and we agreed to meet at a employee gathering of his. Even after knowing my past, he was drunk when I got there. His co-workers assured me that this wasn't normal. (Red Flag buried).
Never really saw him drink much of anything. He had a job, worked late sometimes and took care of us. Very loving and respectful.
2011 - Economy still bad. We were both unemployed now because of the nature of our jobs. We became drinking buddies. He started having way too much and having blackouts and was physically abusive on two occasions. (That was nothing compared to what I dealt with in the previous relationship.)
A little over a year ago, he acknowledges that he is from a family of alcoholics and he is one himself. Quits drinking and joins AA.
Relationship as I knew it stops. No touching, no sex, says he doesn't know if he will want me anymore while recovering. Then it's probably "thyroid problems" and then he says he doesn't have feelings for me. One excuse after another for no contact.
Past month after catching him in lies about where he was (coffee with women from his past and AA). We start working on the relationship. It's wonderful! Attention, touching, sex, kind words, he finally starts working little jobs, etc.
Last night, I drank too much and told him to get out because I found he had gone out with another high school friend for coffee and hid it from me.
Today, he is saying that it's over. He feels trapped and cornered because he has to disclose his where abouts. But, it's my fault because I drank and kicked him out when I was upset about his lying again.
Yes, I want him back The last month was like the beginning. I know I messed up by drinking and not discussing it rationally. He won't give me an answer on whether he wants to work on it or not. Says he is swollen and tired and needs to think about it because I go crazy when I find out he lied.
So. Any opinions? Did I really mess up this time?
Bullet Points
Co-dependent person with alcoholic relationships for over 25 years. Finally had someone open my eyes and guided me to the most wonderful counselor. Spent two years alone and learning about me.
Felt so strong!Met a guy and we agreed to meet at a employee gathering of his. Even after knowing my past, he was drunk when I got there. His co-workers assured me that this wasn't normal. (Red Flag buried).
Never really saw him drink much of anything. He had a job, worked late sometimes and took care of us. Very loving and respectful.
2011 - Economy still bad. We were both unemployed now because of the nature of our jobs. We became drinking buddies. He started having way too much and having blackouts and was physically abusive on two occasions. (That was nothing compared to what I dealt with in the previous relationship.)
A little over a year ago, he acknowledges that he is from a family of alcoholics and he is one himself. Quits drinking and joins AA.
Relationship as I knew it stops. No touching, no sex, says he doesn't know if he will want me anymore while recovering. Then it's probably "thyroid problems" and then he says he doesn't have feelings for me. One excuse after another for no contact.
Past month after catching him in lies about where he was (coffee with women from his past and AA). We start working on the relationship. It's wonderful! Attention, touching, sex, kind words, he finally starts working little jobs, etc.
Last night, I drank too much and told him to get out because I found he had gone out with another high school friend for coffee and hid it from me.
Today, he is saying that it's over. He feels trapped and cornered because he has to disclose his where abouts. But, it's my fault because I drank and kicked him out when I was upset about his lying again.
Yes, I want him back The last month was like the beginning. I know I messed up by drinking and not discussing it rationally. He won't give me an answer on whether he wants to work on it or not. Says he is swollen and tired and needs to think about it because I go crazy when I find out he lied.
So. Any opinions? Did I really mess up this time?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
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I don't think you messed up. Going out for coffee shouldn't be a big deal, but lying about it is. The previous physical abuse isn't cool. Some time during recovery would be good for him to work on himself and for you to take care of yourself. Early recovery is tough and we aren't ourselves for a good while, like a year. If you do get back, try not getting drunk around him, and if that doesn't work for you, there's an issue. At least try not getting drunk around him for the first year he's sober. I know, sounds like a long time but recovery takes time. Once in a while or out with your friends might be okay. Give it some time would be my advice... Disclaimer: I'm no love guru :-)
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Trust me, I goofed up last night. No food, beginning of a long weekend from work. He is 14 months sober now. Well, alcohol sober, he still needs his weed a few times every day.
I guess I am just trying to understand, why can't he just say that he wants to work on things and come home? Why does he need a few days to think about it. It feels like a punishment.
And yes, I take full responsibility for my actions. Just can't understand why he can't forgive and forget after my sincere apologies and wants to drag it out for the weekend.
I guess I am just trying to understand, why can't he just say that he wants to work on things and come home? Why does he need a few days to think about it. It feels like a punishment.
And yes, I take full responsibility for my actions. Just can't understand why he can't forgive and forget after my sincere apologies and wants to drag it out for the weekend.
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The red flag for me, reading your post, was when you said there were two incidents of physical abuse. That's not okay, ever. It also sounds like there are some big trust issues in the relationship. Maybe he's not ready to work on things and come home and this could be a time for you to relax and regroup with yourself. Enjoy your weekend and do some things you'd enjoy.
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Hi confusedchick & welcome
I agree with Anna - physical violence is a line that cannot ever be crossed for me. It is a deal breaker.
I know you're enumerating the red flags here but as I read I was struck that there doesn't seem to be much in this relationship for you?
D
I agree with Anna - physical violence is a line that cannot ever be crossed for me. It is a deal breaker.
I know you're enumerating the red flags here but as I read I was struck that there doesn't seem to be much in this relationship for you?
D
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This is just my gut opinion, but if it were me I'd say 'Yep... You're right... It's over.'
Then I'd get back to being alone and back to a good counselor to look at why in the name of all that's how I could possibly want him back.
Lies, disrespect, poor treatment? Nope. There are mistakes and there is unacceptable, consistent behavior.
I would not put up with the latter and to me, that's what you've described.
Check out the book 'co-dependent no more'.
Ditch that guy, it's not healthy.
Then I'd get back to being alone and back to a good counselor to look at why in the name of all that's how I could possibly want him back.
Lies, disrespect, poor treatment? Nope. There are mistakes and there is unacceptable, consistent behavior.
I would not put up with the latter and to me, that's what you've described.
Check out the book 'co-dependent no more'.
Ditch that guy, it's not healthy.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 19
Thank you for the replies. After 8 years in this relationship, you'd think that I would know better. I guess knowing that he quit drinking "to make it a better situation for both of us" has kept me hanging on.
But, I was told tonight that his continuation of smoking weed means he still isn't sober, and him quitting AA during step 4 is another sign.
LMAO~ I'll post this as is. But I think I am seeing what I don't want to see as I type the problem and the responses.
But, I was told tonight that his continuation of smoking weed means he still isn't sober, and him quitting AA during step 4 is another sign.
LMAO~ I'll post this as is. But I think I am seeing what I don't want to see as I type the problem and the responses.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 737
Aww. Chick, it's hard to have the truth hit you like that, but no one deserves to be abused or lied to. Sounds like you'd be doing right by your self to take a nice long step back from that fellow. Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2015
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Cc, sometimes you take the drink away from an alcoholic jerk and what's left is a sober jerk. I can't say that that's the situation with you and your boyfriend because there is no way for me to know that. I just wanted to throw that out there for you to think about. Best of luck,
Delfin
Delfin
Last edited by Delfin; 09-05-2015 at 08:21 PM. Reason: Typo
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It's hard to give up on a relationship that You've poured a bunch of love and hope into but this relationship just doesn't sound healthy in the least. Sounds like you're almost always worrying and wondering. That's not comfortable. I'd seriously start working on just why you want to stay with someone who doesn't treat you very well at all.
I've been in your shoes. Still am for that matter, so I know it's hard to let go. Sometimes though, you just have to.
For what it's worth, if he's getting high multiple times a day, he's not sober regardless of not drinking alcohol.
Check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum here on SR. Maybe read Co Dependent No More. Excellent book. Be well
I've been in your shoes. Still am for that matter, so I know it's hard to let go. Sometimes though, you just have to.
For what it's worth, if he's getting high multiple times a day, he's not sober regardless of not drinking alcohol.
Check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum here on SR. Maybe read Co Dependent No More. Excellent book. Be well
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Hard to tell to be honest.
Was just wondering if you have tried CoDa meetings for your Co-dependency (if there are any where you are). I'm finding them really helpful at the moment.
I suppose at the end of the day, it's back to acceptance. If he lies to you, it's not helpful. You can't control what he does to a large extent. Maybe if he could tell you why he lied it would be useful. (E.g. was he worried you'd get mad if he told you, when there was an actual good reason for meeting his old friend?) Chances are that he can't or won't though, if he still isn't sober.
All you can do is accept the things you can't change, and be courageous in changing the things you can. And maybe that courage could be used to make decisions about how best to care for yourself, and what you want and need from an intimate relationship, and if you're likely to get this with your current partner.
Only you will really be able to figure these things out, but it might be worth going back over the co-dependency basics before you do that if you're feeling wobbly.
Take care x
Was just wondering if you have tried CoDa meetings for your Co-dependency (if there are any where you are). I'm finding them really helpful at the moment.
I suppose at the end of the day, it's back to acceptance. If he lies to you, it's not helpful. You can't control what he does to a large extent. Maybe if he could tell you why he lied it would be useful. (E.g. was he worried you'd get mad if he told you, when there was an actual good reason for meeting his old friend?) Chances are that he can't or won't though, if he still isn't sober.
All you can do is accept the things you can't change, and be courageous in changing the things you can. And maybe that courage could be used to make decisions about how best to care for yourself, and what you want and need from an intimate relationship, and if you're likely to get this with your current partner.
Only you will really be able to figure these things out, but it might be worth going back over the co-dependency basics before you do that if you're feeling wobbly.
Take care x
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Should I or shouldn't I divulge where I got the information from.
Update.
Boyfriend said he will come home today, but said that I need to divulge where I got the information from when I caught him lying about where he really was.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.
Thoughts on how to handle this?
TIA
Boyfriend said he will come home today, but said that I need to divulge where I got the information from when I caught him lying about where he really was.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.
Thoughts on how to handle this?
TIA
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Location: UK
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I'm confused about why he's feeling hard done by and persecuted. Yes, somebody dropped him in the s**t (intentionally or through an innocent aside). If you had gone for coffee with another man and lied about it then got caught out, I suspect he would have thought the worst as well.
Is he blaming your argument on the person who told you? Basically he should have been honest. He took a chance and lied and it backfired. Like I tell my pupils, when you try and be sneaky, getting caught is the chance you have chosen to take. It's no good getting cross when occasionally you get caught. Same as if you play a game, you have to take into account the risk of losing, and can't expect sympathy if you decide to be a bad loser when you do.
Do you actually WANT him to come back? He sounds like hard work, and not the kind of person who is going to be conducive to you taking care of yourself in the way you need to do if you are co-dependent.
(I'm so full of gratitude to be drama-free today. Serenity over excitement for me.)
Good luck x
Is he blaming your argument on the person who told you? Basically he should have been honest. He took a chance and lied and it backfired. Like I tell my pupils, when you try and be sneaky, getting caught is the chance you have chosen to take. It's no good getting cross when occasionally you get caught. Same as if you play a game, you have to take into account the risk of losing, and can't expect sympathy if you decide to be a bad loser when you do.
Do you actually WANT him to come back? He sounds like hard work, and not the kind of person who is going to be conducive to you taking care of yourself in the way you need to do if you are co-dependent.
(I'm so full of gratitude to be drama-free today. Serenity over excitement for me.)
Good luck x
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted by Beccybean 
Do you actually WANT him to come back? He sounds like hard work, and not the kind of person who is going to be conducive to you taking care of yourself in the way you need to do if you are co-dependent.
Actually, I am too tired right now to think about the consequences if I spill the beans. I still have a lot of thinking to do. I keep questioning why he told me he was with a male friend helping him to move when he was actually with a woman helping her move, and yet I'm the one in the wrong because I blew up on him.
Reading the characteristics of co-dependency again. I have fallen right back to who I was before the year of counseling a long time ago. I have a lot of work to do. And then we'll see where it all ends.
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Originally Posted by Confusedchick
Boyfriend said he will come home today, but said that I need to divulge where I got the information from when I caught him lying about where he really was.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Confusedchick
Update.
Boyfriend said he will come home today, but said that I need to divulge where I got the information from when I caught him lying about where he really was.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.
Thoughts on how to handle this?
TIA
Boyfriend said he will come home today, but said that I need to divulge where I got the information from when I caught him lying about where he really was.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the information with him as one is a good common friend of ours.
Thoughts on how to handle this?
TIA
It is absolutely none of his business how he got caught in a lie, and it's not at all your responsibility to tell him. Apparently he and his friend don't trust each other either.
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