Is this really happening??

Old 09-05-2015, 12:42 PM
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Is this really happening??

First, a little background: I have been married to AH for 5 years. We have two beautiful children ages 4 and 7-months. AH comes from a long line of alcoholics. When we met, he was a social drinker but I hadn't noticed that anything was a problem. After the birth of our first, I began to notice changes in him. He would go out with friends more often, was distant and short tempered. I soon began finding bottles stashed away in cabinets and dresser drawers. He admitted that he had a problem with alcohol and said he would begin AA. After many, many months of doing well and then going back to the drinking, he was finally able to get sober. I was able to relax a little.

After three years of sobriety, he relapsed. Ever since, it's been a back-and-forth battle between periods of drinking, and not drinking. Recently, he began having health problems. A trip to the ER showed that he had chronic liver disease. I was actually a little glad that he got the diagnosis. I thought, maybe now he will quit for good.

I believed he was sober as he began attending AA meetings again, he was adamant that we celebrate his 30 days, and told family members that he had been struggling with alcohol, but now is on the right track. I was hopeful for our future.

Boy was I wrong. I found several bottles in the house this week. "It was from a long time ago," " I found it when I was cleaning out the garage," "How dare you question me when I've been doing so good," he'd say. My gut dropped and at this moment I knew. I checked the bank statements, and sure enough, there we're charges from a liquor store 1-3 times a day.

This is where I'm at today. AH was completely unremorseful and even seemed upset with ME because I caught him. I've reached the point where I'm tired of him digging a hole and me having to claw the way back out. I'm tired of worrying if we can afford mortgage each month. I'm tired of worrying about him. I'm tired of having anxiety when doing the laundry because I'm scared of finding a bottle. I'm just tired. I made the decision for the well being of myself and the kids to go. I don't know how I'm going to go about this or what the future will hold. I do know that I am strong enough not to let him bring me down with him any longer.

Thoughts and advice are appreciated in advance!
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Old 09-05-2015, 01:04 PM
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Just sending hugs! I've heard the same thing from my ex (then husband for years and years). So sad isn't it. Your thinking is correct and it sounds like you have a firm grasp of what he's doing-and what you need to do. You are doing the absolute best thing you can do for your kids, although it may be the hardest thing to do at the same time. I understand-I've been there. Sending you strength and peace
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Old 09-05-2015, 01:23 PM
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Hi, and welcome! Sorry you're going through this, we all get it.

Have you talked with a lawyer yet? That might be a wise initial move, along with going to Al-Anon. You want to find out from a lawyer what your rights and obligations would be if you separate or divorce, and also get some advice on protecting yourself financially in the meantime.

Are you employed, or could you be? Do you have any thoughts about where you might move? Do you have family to help with the kids?

There are lots of things to think about, but you don't have to decide everything today. Gather some information, and get started with Al-Anon, if you aren't already going. Things will eventually become clearer.

Hugs!
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Old 09-05-2015, 01:57 PM
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LexieCat, I haven't met with a lawyer yet. It's on my to-do list.. with about a million other things!

I left my job after I had the second child and went back to graduate school. I'll be done in a year. Since I can't afford mortgage myself (and I'm not trusting AH to do it), the tentative plan is to stay with my parents for the next year and rent the house out.

My MIL is still trying to help AH. She may be flying down to "force him into treatment." I feel so bad for her, as we speak she's placing her AB into nursing care...
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Old 09-05-2015, 03:20 PM
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I'd suggest you take some time to prioritize your to-do list. Otherwise it can be overwhelming or you could wind up putting your energy into projects that can wait a bit.

Sanity, safety, and security are probably what you want to focus on first. Good that you have your folks to fall back on. Think your husband will be willing to move out so you can rent the house? That's something to discuss with the lawyer.

I don't know how much you've had a chance to read about alcoholism, but forcing people into treatment, when they don't WANT treatment. On the other hand, since he WAS going to AA, maybe on some level he DOES want to get sober. Whether you stay with him or not, you're going to be dealing with him for a long time since you have kids together, and THEY are certainly going to be better off with a sober dad, whether you are together or not.

Just keep putting one foot in front of another, and stick around here--there's some great support to be had.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:36 PM
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No advice to offer sorry but think I will follow this thread as I have similar aged kids and I'm feeling at a loss for what to do. I am sure my husband got worse after the arrival of each child too.
You sound like you've made up your mind which is a strong position to be in. I'll be thinking of you and praying things go well for you.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
Just sending hugs! I've heard the same thing from my ex (then husband for years and years). So sad isn't it. Your thinking is correct and it sounds like you have a firm grasp of what he's doing-and what you need to do. You are doing the absolute best thing you can do for your kids, although it may be the hardest thing to do at the same time. I understand-I've been there. Sending you strength and peace
This ^^^

I can't say it any better than that. Totally the best thing you can do for your kids - you are an amazing mama for getting them out. Know we are here to support you! Hugs <3
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:23 PM
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S- Welcome, Sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place. When you are dealing with an A in your life they consume you. What you need to do is start taking care of you and your little sofedups'. Once you stop worrying if he is drunk, looking for bottles or when he gets home, what ever, you free up your brain for important things of what to do next.

Reaching out to an attorney, like Lexi says is a great idea, ask if the first visit is free. Find out about leaving him, renting the house, paying the bills, and all the financial questions. Have a ton of questions that you can ask. Find out about letting him take the kids if he is drunk or even driving drunk. He is going to be very angry. You need your family support. All I am asking, make sure you are 100 % committed to leaving. If you are just threatening to get him to stop, he will stop for a day or two, you go back and then he will do it again. You need a time frame of 6 months sober before you go back. So if you are not ready, don't threaten. Get all your stuff together and figure out a plan.

At that time you execute the plan. You are in no hurry as I am sure he is going no where. Hugs my friend, we are here for you, ask away and we all will help you do what is only best for you and your kiddos!!
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:34 PM
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Thank you all for the support. It really helps having a place to vent where people understand.

Unfortunately, I have read quite a bit about alcoholics over the years. I knew there was always a chance of this happening. It was always just so difficult since he works hard, and is a genuinely nice guy and a good father (I'm not going to say great because I believe he would have spent more time and been more patient with the kids if alcohol hadn't been in the picture). I believe he DOES want to stop, but he's not yet willing to do it. I set boundaries the last time I caught him drinking. I told him that I would stay and support him as long as he was in active recovery. Hell, he was even allowed to slip as long as he got back into the program. So I feel I need to do this to stay consistent with my boundaries and for my own sanity.

He is staying at a friends house for now. He will most likely work with the me to figure out what is best for the kids. Like I said, he's a good guy. Just very, very sick.

I hope that he will be able to stay sober for the kids. I think that is the hardest part. My 4-year old will be asking questions and I have NO idea how I'm going to handle that one.
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Old 09-05-2015, 08:26 PM
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^^ there are some great books on the market for youngins and alcoholism/addiction-explains it to them as a picture story and allows them to put it together in their own mind. Allows them to acknowledge and validate their feelings. Your little is young but counseling as she gets older may help as well. It's such a toxic dysfunctional environment to live in-we need all the help we can get!!
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Old 09-05-2015, 08:50 PM
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Hi, I can really relate to what you wrote.
The same lies "that was from a long time ago" I got over and over again.
And the anxiety over what you might find, definitely not a fun way to live. Not to mention, extremely heartbreaking every time he lets you down.
It's a merry go round of crazy!
I left my husband and took my baby daughter, it is really nice not living with that anxiety anymore. Life is simple and peaceful.
It seems like you are in a good headspace heading towards deserved peace and happiness for yourself.
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Old 09-06-2015, 06:16 AM
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Maybear, glad to see u post, I haven't seen much of you. Sounds like u and baby maybear are doing good!!!!

Hugs my friend
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Old 09-06-2015, 04:55 PM
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Hi Maia, thanks things have settled down now after the move so I have a bit more time to be here. Baby M and I are doing really well. X
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Old 09-06-2015, 05:31 PM
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Hi and welcome back from me, too, maybear!!
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Old 09-07-2015, 07:33 PM
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Thanks, Lexie 😀
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Old 09-08-2015, 08:31 AM
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Just sending (((HUGS)))
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