Im new and this is big time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Im new and this is big time
I am hoping that this group might help me in figuring out how to fix my situation.
My husband is a secret alcoholic. I don't know anything about alcoholism as I've never had any family with this problem. But I do know my husband is hiding and lying about his problem to me.
So much to the extent that I do not feel I am even a part of his life. We have been married for 12 years now, and his disappearances have gotten worse. Five years ago he had a break down and somehow managed to get put on permanent disability. He is a fully functioning man who rarely gets ill, yet he pretends he is ill to avoid responsibility. I am his wife- it is clear as day that he feels fine. "Oh honey I'm sick, it's my sickness, I need to sleep" until noon that is, and then get up and leave without saying goodbye or telling me where he's going.
Sometimes he is going to get lettuce from the grocery store. He will come back 7 hours later without the lettuce. Claims he was running errands, at the bank, helping a friend. He never acts drunk yet I can always smell it on him. This happens EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. He has no job, yet he is gone for at least 8 hours a day and I never know where he is. I don't even love him anymore. I feel completely alone and depressed. I struggle with raising our family by myself. I feel extreme anger, and every time the children hear a car and they think it's their daddy coming home I want to tell them hateful things about their father. It's this thick hatred that has completely consumed me. And now I feel angry towards my children. They make so many messes- why the f am I the only one helping them. Their voices give me headaches because it's always "Mommy Mommy Mommy". It's resentment. I don't want to feel resentful towards them but I do. I don't know how to be better to them. I feel so broken, alone, overburdened that most days it's all I can do to get out of bed. Most days I don't even get dressed. Many days I think of how much I hate every aspect of my life, dwelling on how I married someone that I never was meant to marry. Wishing that I could just die to escape the painful life I live for which I blame my husband. I am afraid of death and bound to my children so that suicide is not a serious contemplation.
I'm your 3rd class highly educated, non classified individual. I should have been or married a doctor. But here I am a welfare mom, literally scraping change from the pockets of my husband when I do his laundry, hiding it all in a secret stash jar.
In 1&1/2 month I accumulated 266$ in change.
How can I get through this? How do I convince my husband to come along with me and the children and to move in the direction we are going? Tonight when I didn't know if he was even coming home for dinner I almost asked him "what are you trying to achieve by living this double life and attempting to hide your alcoholism? Because the lies and hiding are what has ruined us. I don't see anything being achieved, only destruction of our family and our lives". But instead I said nothing because anytime I say anything he just acts sarcastic, lies to me, and becomes angry to the point of lunacy.
Please help
My husband is a secret alcoholic. I don't know anything about alcoholism as I've never had any family with this problem. But I do know my husband is hiding and lying about his problem to me.
So much to the extent that I do not feel I am even a part of his life. We have been married for 12 years now, and his disappearances have gotten worse. Five years ago he had a break down and somehow managed to get put on permanent disability. He is a fully functioning man who rarely gets ill, yet he pretends he is ill to avoid responsibility. I am his wife- it is clear as day that he feels fine. "Oh honey I'm sick, it's my sickness, I need to sleep" until noon that is, and then get up and leave without saying goodbye or telling me where he's going.
Sometimes he is going to get lettuce from the grocery store. He will come back 7 hours later without the lettuce. Claims he was running errands, at the bank, helping a friend. He never acts drunk yet I can always smell it on him. This happens EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. He has no job, yet he is gone for at least 8 hours a day and I never know where he is. I don't even love him anymore. I feel completely alone and depressed. I struggle with raising our family by myself. I feel extreme anger, and every time the children hear a car and they think it's their daddy coming home I want to tell them hateful things about their father. It's this thick hatred that has completely consumed me. And now I feel angry towards my children. They make so many messes- why the f am I the only one helping them. Their voices give me headaches because it's always "Mommy Mommy Mommy". It's resentment. I don't want to feel resentful towards them but I do. I don't know how to be better to them. I feel so broken, alone, overburdened that most days it's all I can do to get out of bed. Most days I don't even get dressed. Many days I think of how much I hate every aspect of my life, dwelling on how I married someone that I never was meant to marry. Wishing that I could just die to escape the painful life I live for which I blame my husband. I am afraid of death and bound to my children so that suicide is not a serious contemplation.
I'm your 3rd class highly educated, non classified individual. I should have been or married a doctor. But here I am a welfare mom, literally scraping change from the pockets of my husband when I do his laundry, hiding it all in a secret stash jar.
In 1&1/2 month I accumulated 266$ in change.
How can I get through this? How do I convince my husband to come along with me and the children and to move in the direction we are going? Tonight when I didn't know if he was even coming home for dinner I almost asked him "what are you trying to achieve by living this double life and attempting to hide your alcoholism? Because the lies and hiding are what has ruined us. I don't see anything being achieved, only destruction of our family and our lives". But instead I said nothing because anytime I say anything he just acts sarcastic, lies to me, and becomes angry to the point of lunacy.
Please help
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
First, welcome. I believe you have found the right place. Its tough raising young children and you also have an adult child that adds to that difficulty. I don't have any answers to give you, other than you rock for being the steady one for the kids. They NEED this and apparently their father is so blinded by the disease that he can't.
Give the board some time. There is a wealth of help and support. Most of us have been in similar situations or at least have experience with our alcoholics. Big hugs to you and those little ones of yours.
Give the board some time. There is a wealth of help and support. Most of us have been in similar situations or at least have experience with our alcoholics. Big hugs to you and those little ones of yours.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
We've been where you are. I can tell you from my own very similar experience that being on your own with the kids is tough at first - but without the burden of his alcoholic behaviour to deal with, you'd be so surprised at how quickly you calm down and return to being a patient, loving, nurturing mom. I was doing it all on my own before when I lived with him, so it's not much of a stretch to be on your own. It broke my heart to see him constantly disappoint them.
I have an MBA from an elite school and currently I scrape by because of the financial ruin brought about by the alcoholism. Ugh I want to kick myself sometimes. Which brings me to the next point - you can't convince him of anything. You have zero power or control over what he does. You do, however, have 100% control over HisSecretLife. Happiness is an inside job - read & post here, try to get to some al-anon meetings and find what makes you happy. Happy mama = happy babies <3
I have an MBA from an elite school and currently I scrape by because of the financial ruin brought about by the alcoholism. Ugh I want to kick myself sometimes. Which brings me to the next point - you can't convince him of anything. You have zero power or control over what he does. You do, however, have 100% control over HisSecretLife. Happiness is an inside job - read & post here, try to get to some al-anon meetings and find what makes you happy. Happy mama = happy babies <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Thank you for taking time to respond.
We actually separated for a year two years ago when he went to live with and care for his mother while she was lapping her cancer battle, and I lived by myself with all of our kids. We visited him 3 times in that year. It was certainly easier emotionally for me to deal with this absence. Taking care of the children felt routine, it toon up a huge amount of my time, but I did not feel the anger I feel in having him there, but him always being gone. And it also left less mess for me to clean, more peace in not having to wonder about him, worry about where he was, or listen to his lies or fight with him.
Unfortunately I believe he used this time to become more of an alcoholic. He didn't even seem to miss us. Rarely called me- we spoke on average 1-2 hours per month, he skyped with the kids maybe 5x. When I called he was never there. Eventually I stopped calling. And I stopped worrying. And I stopped caring. I felt happy then.
But since he has come back, he seems more of a distant bachelor than ever. We don't even sleep in the same room together. Rather than realizing how lucky he is to have his family back (as I also threatened with divorce during this time) he has just become more secretive than ever.
Recently my car got totaled also, so on top of him being gone all the time I feel like a prisoner. Luckily I work from home, but still, I am unable to ever leave to cool down or to escape this situation as he is always gone with his car.
Rather than trying to convince him, how do I change within me what I need to change to find my happiness again?
A wise friend told me that happiness is a misnomer. We all have shite lives, and the happy people are those who choose to focus on being happy and create their own fictional happiness, people like me dwell on the negative and sit in despair.
We actually separated for a year two years ago when he went to live with and care for his mother while she was lapping her cancer battle, and I lived by myself with all of our kids. We visited him 3 times in that year. It was certainly easier emotionally for me to deal with this absence. Taking care of the children felt routine, it toon up a huge amount of my time, but I did not feel the anger I feel in having him there, but him always being gone. And it also left less mess for me to clean, more peace in not having to wonder about him, worry about where he was, or listen to his lies or fight with him.
Unfortunately I believe he used this time to become more of an alcoholic. He didn't even seem to miss us. Rarely called me- we spoke on average 1-2 hours per month, he skyped with the kids maybe 5x. When I called he was never there. Eventually I stopped calling. And I stopped worrying. And I stopped caring. I felt happy then.
But since he has come back, he seems more of a distant bachelor than ever. We don't even sleep in the same room together. Rather than realizing how lucky he is to have his family back (as I also threatened with divorce during this time) he has just become more secretive than ever.
Recently my car got totaled also, so on top of him being gone all the time I feel like a prisoner. Luckily I work from home, but still, I am unable to ever leave to cool down or to escape this situation as he is always gone with his car.
Rather than trying to convince him, how do I change within me what I need to change to find my happiness again?
A wise friend told me that happiness is a misnomer. We all have shite lives, and the happy people are those who choose to focus on being happy and create their own fictional happiness, people like me dwell on the negative and sit in despair.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you've found us.
The hiding, lying and emotional distancing are all symptoms of alcoholism. It's not personal. It is a part of the disease. My inability to deal with it, my frustration, anxiety, and many other physical, mental and financial problems were my symptoms of this Family Disease of Alcoholism.
Through Alanon I'm working on my own recovery, gently, with help, with support of others who've been through this and understand me in ways I'm just beginning to understand.
As my viewpoints change, everything changes. There is hope, and I'm finally finding peace, joy and fun in my life.
Here's a link for finding meetings:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
How do you know if you are affected by someone else's drinking?:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/affec...eones-drinking
The hardest part of my recovery was walking through the door and learning to reach out. It's been the best gift I ever could have given myself and our children.
Keep posting. You are not alone.
The hiding, lying and emotional distancing are all symptoms of alcoholism. It's not personal. It is a part of the disease. My inability to deal with it, my frustration, anxiety, and many other physical, mental and financial problems were my symptoms of this Family Disease of Alcoholism.
Through Alanon I'm working on my own recovery, gently, with help, with support of others who've been through this and understand me in ways I'm just beginning to understand.
As my viewpoints change, everything changes. There is hope, and I'm finally finding peace, joy and fun in my life.
Here's a link for finding meetings:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
How do you know if you are affected by someone else's drinking?:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/affec...eones-drinking
The hardest part of my recovery was walking through the door and learning to reach out. It's been the best gift I ever could have given myself and our children.
Keep posting. You are not alone.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi HSL, I'm glad you found this forum because you'll realise you aren't alone, and you can tap into shared wisdom.
Just some thoughts from me; you can take the ones that seem useful, and leave the ones that don't.
- You are dissatisfied with your life which is good because it will give you incentive to change things. Powerlessness is the most debilitating conditions, so prepare to take power into your hands again.
- Make a list of the positives in your life: you're educated, intelligent, obviously literate, you can work from home and earn money, you have (I hope) healthy children who love you...
- You don't say whether your husband contributes to the family financially; if he doesn't this is one way of approaching your need for a car and more money for the household. There are some strategies you can explore to make this happen.
- You sound understandably depressed. Good news is that you can see your doctor, talk to him/her, possibly get some medication to get you out of this trough and give you the energy to repair your life. Please don't be too wary of anti-depressants as they can be wonderful in the short term for lifting debilitating depression.
- you have the ability to make a plan for the future. Start with small steps like 'today I'm getting up early, washing my hair, dressing, and making pancakes.' Another step is to write a summary of your financial situation, incoming, outgoing, chances to increase your income.
- Play snakes and ladders with the kids at night instead of watching telly
I haven't mentioned your AH because it seems that any path you take will have to be without him. This is not to say he can just abrogate his responsibility to you, but that might have to be dealt with through legal measures.
Just wondering; if he's well can you get his disability reviewed, or at least keep it as a bargaining chip?
Just some thoughts from me; you can take the ones that seem useful, and leave the ones that don't.
- You are dissatisfied with your life which is good because it will give you incentive to change things. Powerlessness is the most debilitating conditions, so prepare to take power into your hands again.
- Make a list of the positives in your life: you're educated, intelligent, obviously literate, you can work from home and earn money, you have (I hope) healthy children who love you...
- You don't say whether your husband contributes to the family financially; if he doesn't this is one way of approaching your need for a car and more money for the household. There are some strategies you can explore to make this happen.
- You sound understandably depressed. Good news is that you can see your doctor, talk to him/her, possibly get some medication to get you out of this trough and give you the energy to repair your life. Please don't be too wary of anti-depressants as they can be wonderful in the short term for lifting debilitating depression.
- you have the ability to make a plan for the future. Start with small steps like 'today I'm getting up early, washing my hair, dressing, and making pancakes.' Another step is to write a summary of your financial situation, incoming, outgoing, chances to increase your income.
- Play snakes and ladders with the kids at night instead of watching telly
I haven't mentioned your AH because it seems that any path you take will have to be without him. This is not to say he can just abrogate his responsibility to you, but that might have to be dealt with through legal measures.
Just wondering; if he's well can you get his disability reviewed, or at least keep it as a bargaining chip?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello,
You sound full of rage and deeply depressed. Your H is no life partner as he has ditched you for his addiction.
There's a lot of wisdom here on SR. I'm glad you posted.
So you are saving laundry money. Is this the start of your exit plan? Your name is all about him. What do you want for yourself and your kids?
You sound full of rage and deeply depressed. Your H is no life partner as he has ditched you for his addiction.
There's a lot of wisdom here on SR. I'm glad you posted.
So you are saving laundry money. Is this the start of your exit plan? Your name is all about him. What do you want for yourself and your kids?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hello, HisSecretLife! I am glad that you were able to come here and share your situation with us. I think that all of us who have had little children can relate to your feelings.
I know you feel overwhelmed (and understandably, a bit on the depressed side).
Please know that changing your life is very doable and that you have more strength residing within you than you really know. That is true for all of us!
Feeling Great made some excellent suggestions for how to get started, I think.
I especially like the concept of making small baby steps to get yourself onto a path. Many baby steps, added together, make giant steps, eventually.
Every tiny thing you do that is in a positive direction is progress!
I especially liked FeelingGreat's idea of playing games with the children instead of the televison. I know, from having the little ones, that when mommy is feeling under the weather or stressed....they respond by wanting more attention--in order to feel secure---thus, becoming more needy.
This is what I was able to do that the children seemed to like---reading or telling them stories; singing songs together; going outdoors with them--even if they are playing, they love to have you watching them do it; just going for walks with them; playing games of any kind; letting them "help" you with household chores--and, lavishing praise for their efforts. (trying to not "yell"....as that just increases their anxiety (and yours).
I hope you will continue to post and let us know how we can be of help to you....
You are not alone....
dandylion
I know you feel overwhelmed (and understandably, a bit on the depressed side).
Please know that changing your life is very doable and that you have more strength residing within you than you really know. That is true for all of us!
Feeling Great made some excellent suggestions for how to get started, I think.
I especially like the concept of making small baby steps to get yourself onto a path. Many baby steps, added together, make giant steps, eventually.
Every tiny thing you do that is in a positive direction is progress!
I especially liked FeelingGreat's idea of playing games with the children instead of the televison. I know, from having the little ones, that when mommy is feeling under the weather or stressed....they respond by wanting more attention--in order to feel secure---thus, becoming more needy.
This is what I was able to do that the children seemed to like---reading or telling them stories; singing songs together; going outdoors with them--even if they are playing, they love to have you watching them do it; just going for walks with them; playing games of any kind; letting them "help" you with household chores--and, lavishing praise for their efforts. (trying to not "yell"....as that just increases their anxiety (and yours).
I hope you will continue to post and let us know how we can be of help to you....
You are not alone....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi HSL, I'm glad you found this forum because you'll realise you aren't alone, and you can tap into shared wisdom.
Just some thoughts from me; you can take the ones that seem useful, and leave the ones that don't.
- You are dissatisfied with your life which is good because it will give you incentive to change things. Powerlessness is the most debilitating conditions, so prepare to take power into your hands again.
- Make a list of the positives in your life: you're educated, intelligent, obviously literate, you can work from home and earn money, you have (I hope) healthy children who love you...
- You don't say whether your husband contributes to the family financially; if he doesn't this is one way of approaching your need for a car and more money for the household. There are some strategies you can explore to make this happen.
- You sound understandably depressed. Good news is that you can see your doctor, talk to him/her, possibly get some medication to get you out of this trough and give you the energy to repair your life. Please don't be too wary of anti-depressants as they can be wonderful in the short term for lifting debilitating depression.
- you have the ability to make a plan for the future. Start with small steps like 'today I'm getting up early, washing my hair, dressing, and making pancakes.' Another step is to write a summary of your financial situation, incoming, outgoing, chances to increase your income.
- Play snakes and ladders with the kids at night instead of watching telly
I haven't mentioned your AH because it seems that any path you take will have to be without him. This is not to say he can just abrogate his responsibility to you, but that might have to be dealt with through legal measures.
Just wondering; if he's well can you get his disability reviewed, or at least keep it as a bargaining chip?
Just some thoughts from me; you can take the ones that seem useful, and leave the ones that don't.
- You are dissatisfied with your life which is good because it will give you incentive to change things. Powerlessness is the most debilitating conditions, so prepare to take power into your hands again.
- Make a list of the positives in your life: you're educated, intelligent, obviously literate, you can work from home and earn money, you have (I hope) healthy children who love you...
- You don't say whether your husband contributes to the family financially; if he doesn't this is one way of approaching your need for a car and more money for the household. There are some strategies you can explore to make this happen.
- You sound understandably depressed. Good news is that you can see your doctor, talk to him/her, possibly get some medication to get you out of this trough and give you the energy to repair your life. Please don't be too wary of anti-depressants as they can be wonderful in the short term for lifting debilitating depression.
- you have the ability to make a plan for the future. Start with small steps like 'today I'm getting up early, washing my hair, dressing, and making pancakes.' Another step is to write a summary of your financial situation, incoming, outgoing, chances to increase your income.
- Play snakes and ladders with the kids at night instead of watching telly
I haven't mentioned your AH because it seems that any path you take will have to be without him. This is not to say he can just abrogate his responsibility to you, but that might have to be dealt with through legal measures.
Just wondering; if he's well can you get his disability reviewed, or at least keep it as a bargaining chip?
I have oft time considered having his disability reviewed, but I don't see him getting a job if his disability is removed and then we will struggle even more because he does get enough from disability that at least he's not stealing my income to pay for alcohol. I wonder if his disability was removed if he might have to quit drinking- but this seems far-fetched. Where there's a will there's a way.
You've given me some good ideas- a to do list to get myself going sounds great. Focusing on my positives is clearly something I need help with, so again, comprising a list should prove very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hello,
You sound full of rage and deeply depressed. Your H is no life partner as he has ditched you for his addiction.
There's a lot of wisdom here on SR. I'm glad you posted.
So you are saving laundry money. Is this the start of your exit plan? Your name is all about him. What do you want for yourself and your kids?
You sound full of rage and deeply depressed. Your H is no life partner as he has ditched you for his addiction.
There's a lot of wisdom here on SR. I'm glad you posted.
So you are saving laundry money. Is this the start of your exit plan? Your name is all about him. What do you want for yourself and your kids?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
You sound like you are experiencing quite severe depression.
I think it would be necessary for you to seek some professional help.
Of course, your social circumstances are having a big impact on how you are feeling. I always found myself more impatient with my child when my husband was in the picture. Now that he is not here, I am better with her and have a lot more patience.
There is nothing you can do to force your husband to do what you would like him to do, even though it is the better path. It will continue to be very frustrating and depressing for you to maintain the belief that you can change him.
He is who he is and he is doing what he wants to do. What you can do firstly is accept the reality and then decide what you are going to do - stay and find ways to cope and function better living with an alcoholic or leave.
I think it would be necessary for you to seek some professional help.
Of course, your social circumstances are having a big impact on how you are feeling. I always found myself more impatient with my child when my husband was in the picture. Now that he is not here, I am better with her and have a lot more patience.
There is nothing you can do to force your husband to do what you would like him to do, even though it is the better path. It will continue to be very frustrating and depressing for you to maintain the belief that you can change him.
He is who he is and he is doing what he wants to do. What you can do firstly is accept the reality and then decide what you are going to do - stay and find ways to cope and function better living with an alcoholic or leave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Yes- I agree whole-heartedly I need therapy. I've actually started looking for a therapist these past couple of weeks. Once I get a quote from insurance (for my car) and get that taken care of, I will work harder on finding the right therapist and I will start going as often as they will let me. My depression is so bad at this point that I am also hoping they will put me on medication. I have had depression off and on much of my adult life, but have never done the medication bit so I feel a little nervous about that, but I just feel like counseling alone will not cut it.
I do not want to feel this way anymore. My current goal, in even coming on this site, is to work on myself. Get to the point where I feel I am where I should be, functioning at my best, and then from there I hope to try marriage counseling, and following that major decision making time.
i feel like such an emotional wreck that I'm fairly certain I'm not capable of making the right decision in regards to this situation. Somewhere in this chaos I lost my strength, and my sense of self. I don't know how long it will take me to regain control of my life, but until then i don't want to misstep.
I guess I'm also hoping for advice on what works and what doesn't work as far as approaching this taboo subject with my husband. He's very closed and extremely secretive about it, and in the years I have in my naiievety tried to speak to him about it, it goes nowhere but him getting angry.
I do not want to feel this way anymore. My current goal, in even coming on this site, is to work on myself. Get to the point where I feel I am where I should be, functioning at my best, and then from there I hope to try marriage counseling, and following that major decision making time.
i feel like such an emotional wreck that I'm fairly certain I'm not capable of making the right decision in regards to this situation. Somewhere in this chaos I lost my strength, and my sense of self. I don't know how long it will take me to regain control of my life, but until then i don't want to misstep.
I guess I'm also hoping for advice on what works and what doesn't work as far as approaching this taboo subject with my husband. He's very closed and extremely secretive about it, and in the years I have in my naiievety tried to speak to him about it, it goes nowhere but him getting angry.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I am so glad you found SR. You will find a whole lot of strength, experience and hope here.
Many of us has walked in your shoes and I see lots of great advice above.
I am sorry for the awful situation you find yourself on. Keep reading and keep posting and take baby steps to begin with.
It has to start with focusing on yourself as there is nothing you can to for your husband. He is responsible for himself.
Please know you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you for sure can't cure it.
You can however start to focus on yourself and the rest will follow. I know it sound hard at the start but it really really does make a difference.
SR and Al Anon keep me sane. My husband is the alcoholic in my life and we have three children. Since working on myself my life is so much more manageable, nothing has changed with his drinking but myself and the children are so much happier and it started with me making small changes over the years and it has made the most enormous difference.
All the best to you and your children. There really is hope although right now it may not seem that wAy.
Take care keep posting Phiz
Many of us has walked in your shoes and I see lots of great advice above.
I am sorry for the awful situation you find yourself on. Keep reading and keep posting and take baby steps to begin with.
It has to start with focusing on yourself as there is nothing you can to for your husband. He is responsible for himself.
Please know you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you for sure can't cure it.
You can however start to focus on yourself and the rest will follow. I know it sound hard at the start but it really really does make a difference.
SR and Al Anon keep me sane. My husband is the alcoholic in my life and we have three children. Since working on myself my life is so much more manageable, nothing has changed with his drinking but myself and the children are so much happier and it started with me making small changes over the years and it has made the most enormous difference.
All the best to you and your children. There really is hope although right now it may not seem that wAy.
Take care keep posting Phiz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by HisSecretLife
I have oft time considered having his disability reviewed, but I don't see him getting a job if his disability is removed and then we will struggle even more because he does get enough from disability that at least he's not stealing my income to pay for alcohol. I wonder if his disability was removed if he might have to quit drinking- but this seems far-fetched. Where there's a will there's a way.
You've given me some good ideas- a to do list to get myself going sounds great. Focusing on my positives is clearly something I need help with, so again, comprising a list should prove very helpful.
You've given me some good ideas- a to do list to get myself going sounds great. Focusing on my positives is clearly something I need help with, so again, comprising a list should prove very helpful.
My mum is an alcoholic. She had a job which went wrong. She now has no income of her own.... did she stop drinking? No... she now uses other means to get money, stealing, borrowing, pestering friends and neighbours, selling jewelry etc. So if your h doesn't have any money he won't stop drinking he will just use any other means to feed his addiction. Let him have his money, you focus on yourself and the kids xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I think that's great you are seeking the help of a therapist and medication can be a great help to get you thinking straight and back on track.
In my personal experience with antidepressants, I too felt very depressed when I was with my husband. I went on antidepressants and they did help me feel happier, they helped me cope with the situation. And I absolutely did need that help because I had really spiralled.
I found though, when they started working and I was feeling a bit better I could see things more clearly. I could see what craziness I was allowing myself to remain in and really evaluate my relationship and see how detrimental it was to my life. I realised then that I could keep taking them and they would help me to cope and remain in a bad situation because I could stifle my emotions but I didn't want to have to take medication to keep me sane in the relationship. I left and I went off them and now I am out of the relationship the depression is gone.
In my personal experience with antidepressants, I too felt very depressed when I was with my husband. I went on antidepressants and they did help me feel happier, they helped me cope with the situation. And I absolutely did need that help because I had really spiralled.
I found though, when they started working and I was feeling a bit better I could see things more clearly. I could see what craziness I was allowing myself to remain in and really evaluate my relationship and see how detrimental it was to my life. I realised then that I could keep taking them and they would help me to cope and remain in a bad situation because I could stifle my emotions but I didn't want to have to take medication to keep me sane in the relationship. I left and I went off them and now I am out of the relationship the depression is gone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great that you are planning to work on yourself--that will pay off more for you, in the long run, than anything else.
Just a heads-up--marriage counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic is pretty much a guaranteed waste of time and money. Even if he suddenly were to decide to get sober, he wouldn't be capable of making any progress in marriage counseling for at least a year.
You feel you never should have married him, you no longer love him and actually feel hateful toward him. I'm not sure what the point would be of marriage counseling. The money would be better spent on therapy for you and the kids--who are going to need some help.
Just a heads-up--marriage counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic is pretty much a guaranteed waste of time and money. Even if he suddenly were to decide to get sober, he wouldn't be capable of making any progress in marriage counseling for at least a year.
You feel you never should have married him, you no longer love him and actually feel hateful toward him. I'm not sure what the point would be of marriage counseling. The money would be better spent on therapy for you and the kids--who are going to need some help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello,
There are some SR members here whose stories may help you. Wisconsin just moved out. Stung is getting divorced and doesn't have family to lean on. Yurt did a lot of planning and preparation before she divorced. Lizatola isn't recently divorced with a son. There are indeed others but I fear I don't remember their names exact. If you look them up, you can read their threads and comments.
Perhaps visit your MD regarding your depression. They can recommend a counselor. Meds take awhile to work - expect at least an 8 week run in. I have taken meds twice in my life and have used counseling As well with successful results.
Peace,
There are some SR members here whose stories may help you. Wisconsin just moved out. Stung is getting divorced and doesn't have family to lean on. Yurt did a lot of planning and preparation before she divorced. Lizatola isn't recently divorced with a son. There are indeed others but I fear I don't remember their names exact. If you look them up, you can read their threads and comments.
Perhaps visit your MD regarding your depression. They can recommend a counselor. Meds take awhile to work - expect at least an 8 week run in. I have taken meds twice in my life and have used counseling As well with successful results.
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HSL- Welcome to SR, glad you are here. Reading all these wonderful comments from these wonderful people will change your life!!! I can see from your first post and your recent comments responding to others, that you see "hope". There is so much hope and support in these walls. We all have walked in your shoes, some how and some way, and survived. We did what we had to do for our kids and eventually for us. Just stick around!!
Good for you for reaching out to a Dr. When we finally stop our addiction to our addict and focus on us and our children, our minds free up. There is hope that we can get through that hour, day or week. We start to sleep a little better and can focus. This is a long process and lots of baby steps as everyone says, it gets you where you need to go. In alanon they say make no major decisions for at least 6 months, as your thinking is crazy now. Let things calm down and run its course, and then you can make decisions that you need to make. Try and have a fun positive day with you and your kids.Your babies deserve the best mom you can be. With saying that, you have to put your health in front of his.
Your husband is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. To them alcohol is like air and water to us, they have to have it to survive. It is a terrible disease that robs us of our love ones. But that is his battle and only his. You do no benefit to yourself to try and take care of him, give him to God or his higher power to watch over him.
Hugs my friend, take one day at a time and you will be ok!! We are all here to help and support you along this journey!! Post questions, read the stickies up top, go to an alanon meeting, read the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. So much information to tap into!! There is always hope!!
Good for you for reaching out to a Dr. When we finally stop our addiction to our addict and focus on us and our children, our minds free up. There is hope that we can get through that hour, day or week. We start to sleep a little better and can focus. This is a long process and lots of baby steps as everyone says, it gets you where you need to go. In alanon they say make no major decisions for at least 6 months, as your thinking is crazy now. Let things calm down and run its course, and then you can make decisions that you need to make. Try and have a fun positive day with you and your kids.Your babies deserve the best mom you can be. With saying that, you have to put your health in front of his.
Your husband is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. To them alcohol is like air and water to us, they have to have it to survive. It is a terrible disease that robs us of our love ones. But that is his battle and only his. You do no benefit to yourself to try and take care of him, give him to God or his higher power to watch over him.
Hugs my friend, take one day at a time and you will be ok!! We are all here to help and support you along this journey!! Post questions, read the stickies up top, go to an alanon meeting, read the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. So much information to tap into!! There is always hope!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
not to add to your burdens, but the situation sounds as if there might be more than "just" drinking going on here.
i'm glad you are here and that you started a savings campaign. and i hope you start checking out resources available to you. this is no way to live. you being so sad and depressed (understandably so!) must be addressed. there IS hope, it just may not turn out the way you think or hope right now.
you and your children deserve safety and stability. and your AH does NOT provide that. and may not ever. he doesn't sound like he's on the verge of a breakthru.....just using your HOME like a motel 6.
i'm glad you are here and that you started a savings campaign. and i hope you start checking out resources available to you. this is no way to live. you being so sad and depressed (understandably so!) must be addressed. there IS hope, it just may not turn out the way you think or hope right now.
you and your children deserve safety and stability. and your AH does NOT provide that. and may not ever. he doesn't sound like he's on the verge of a breakthru.....just using your HOME like a motel 6.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Welcome to SR, HisSecretLife!
Everything you say sounds painfully familiar.
The fact is, you cannot change this man, and from what you are saying, he picked alcohol over you, over children. He lies to you, disrespects you, is being sarcastic, ignores your feelings. These are all red flags. You are trying to reason and be normal with someone who is not normal, who is ill. And his disease is going to progress.
You sound really unhappy (you talk about him as if he is some kind of a stranger, household intruder), so perhaps it is time to do some soul searching, and consider other options. Most people know what alcohol does to one's body, but it is not stressed enough what it does to A's partners, to their children, this sickening family dynamics that leaves deep scars. Take small steps, read, find out more about how alcoholism works, and eventually, you will know what to do.
Everything you say sounds painfully familiar.
The fact is, you cannot change this man, and from what you are saying, he picked alcohol over you, over children. He lies to you, disrespects you, is being sarcastic, ignores your feelings. These are all red flags. You are trying to reason and be normal with someone who is not normal, who is ill. And his disease is going to progress.
You sound really unhappy (you talk about him as if he is some kind of a stranger, household intruder), so perhaps it is time to do some soul searching, and consider other options. Most people know what alcohol does to one's body, but it is not stressed enough what it does to A's partners, to their children, this sickening family dynamics that leaves deep scars. Take small steps, read, find out more about how alcoholism works, and eventually, you will know what to do.
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