AH blames me for his using
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: CT
Posts: 13
AH blames me for his using
Hello. I have been married to an opiate addict for the past 7 years. The past 4 of those years he started using heroine. I kicked him out 3 years ago and have been on my own in a different state with limited friends and no family raising our two little children. I have tried as much as I thought I could to guide him to get help. He has been to in patient rehab once, and out patient at least 3 times. He has been to detox at least 5 times. I have found him AA meetings, NA meetings, physiatrists, psychologists, proper doctors who can treat him with sabaxone, etc. He has not followed through with anything and yet he says that I have not done enough for him, and I as much to blame for his addiction as he is. I didn’t love him enough and support him enough. And if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have done more. I should have went to Alanon meetings (mind you- he doesn’t go to any meetings, but thinks I should go so I know how to handle him better). And we should go to marriage counseling, so I can help him deal with his addiction- which would help him get sober. I try to explain to him, I could not even attempt to go to any marriage counseling with him until he went himself to treat his addiction. I am at the end of this marriage and plan to file for divorce within the next few weeks and he is killing me more so than ever bc he does not want a divorce. And he is blaming me now more than ever. That I am a quitter. That I failed him, and our children. That is is MY fault. As much as I know it isn’t, there’s a part of me that wonders if I could have done something a bit more? He goes to these shady doctors to get sabaxone and everything and anything else he can sell, and does nothing to help HIMSELF, yet I sit here and think that I could have done more? I know I need to get out for my own sake and the sake of our children. But why do I question what I could have done to save him when he hasn’t done anything to save himself? I have been going to therapy and it has been helping me. We haven’t had a relationship in years. We haven’t slept in the same bed, we haven’t had sex, and I don’t love him anymore and I want out. But he is making this so hard for me. I am still young and have a good job and he is killing me and killing my soul. Any advice is appreciated. or expericence in this. thank you
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
And he is blaming me now more than ever. That I am a quitter. That I failed him, and our children. That is is MY fault. As much as I know it isn’t, there’s a part of me that wonders if I could have done something a bit more?
I have tried as much as I thought I could to guide him to get help. He has been to in patient rehab once, and out patient at least 3 times. He has been to detox at least 5 times. I have found him AA meetings, NA meetings, psychiatrists, psychologists, proper doctors who can treat him with sabaxone, etc.
There is no evidence that he will accept any responsibility for his choices. He is the one that got hooked on heroin. You supported him until you concluded your support did not change his behavior for the better.
When two people get married and bring children into the world, the implicit promise is neither person will do anything to undercut the viability of the marriage or the family. He has chosen, time and time again, to renege on that implicit promise. And because he's not playing by the rules you both agreed to, you are well within your rights to protect yourself and your children and dump his arse.
You're still young. You have a good job. And most importantly, you have two children who are depending on you. Do what is best for them.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Broken Wife,
First, welcome to the forum, this is a great place for support.
Second, and more importantly, you husband's heroin addiction is not you fault, never was, never will be.
"But why do I question what I could have done to save him when he hasn’t done anything to save himself?"
This question has two facets - But why do I question... - you question because addicts are great manipulators -- he has at least partially convinced you that HIS addiction is YOUR fault. Forget that thought!
"...what I could have done to save him when he hasn’t done anything to save himself?" The answer is nothing - it sounds as if you have offered rehab services in the past and that is realistically all you can do. He will not get clean until HE wants to - it is as simple and complex as that.
The real question for you is "What am I doing to help myself in MY recovery from him?" There are numerous answers, but the one which worked for me was to seek out a local Nar-Anon meeting and start attending. There you will learn several things - you are not alone; there are people there who have walked in your shoes and understand - gather their strength and experience for yourself - they offer it freely and without strings attached; it is OK to cry publicly - the others have all done so and will not think less of you for it; they are un-shockable - they have heard or lived it all before - "been there, done that, got the tee shirt."
Keep coming back!
Jim
First, welcome to the forum, this is a great place for support.
Second, and more importantly, you husband's heroin addiction is not you fault, never was, never will be.
"But why do I question what I could have done to save him when he hasn’t done anything to save himself?"
This question has two facets - But why do I question... - you question because addicts are great manipulators -- he has at least partially convinced you that HIS addiction is YOUR fault. Forget that thought!
"...what I could have done to save him when he hasn’t done anything to save himself?" The answer is nothing - it sounds as if you have offered rehab services in the past and that is realistically all you can do. He will not get clean until HE wants to - it is as simple and complex as that.
The real question for you is "What am I doing to help myself in MY recovery from him?" There are numerous answers, but the one which worked for me was to seek out a local Nar-Anon meeting and start attending. There you will learn several things - you are not alone; there are people there who have walked in your shoes and understand - gather their strength and experience for yourself - they offer it freely and without strings attached; it is OK to cry publicly - the others have all done so and will not think less of you for it; they are un-shockable - they have heard or lived it all before - "been there, done that, got the tee shirt."
Keep coming back!
Jim
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But why do I question what I could have done to save him when he hasn’t done anything to save himself?
because you've been the only TRYING to get this thing called recovery going! it's become YOUR mission....calling here, arranging for that, setting up this, searching always searching for the thing that will WORK. problem has been the person that you wish would recover, get well, ISN'T INTERESTED.
ever try to take a midday nap? what happens? phone rings, someone knocks on the door, the children start disassembling the furniture, your neighbor decides NOW is a good time to pressure wash. interruption after interruption, and you're screaming maybe quietly maybe not, CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE??????????
on a much fiercer meaner and grander scale that's how it is with addicts and those that want to take their drugs away from them. or want to talk to them about quitting. or about rehab, meetings, RECOVERY. big ole interrupting nuisance. they just want to be left alone to get high in peace. they don't want to hear about responsibilities, or bills, or what the children need, or what a loser they are, they want it all to GO AWAY. cuz that sh!t is a real BUZZ KILL.
and when people will not get off their backs, they lash out. they blame others for their problems, for their current state, for everthing, because the alternative is unthinkable....to accept they are themselves to blame, that this is all a mess of their making, and quitting is the wise thing to do. and they've never been more terrified in their lives.........
because you've been the only TRYING to get this thing called recovery going! it's become YOUR mission....calling here, arranging for that, setting up this, searching always searching for the thing that will WORK. problem has been the person that you wish would recover, get well, ISN'T INTERESTED.
ever try to take a midday nap? what happens? phone rings, someone knocks on the door, the children start disassembling the furniture, your neighbor decides NOW is a good time to pressure wash. interruption after interruption, and you're screaming maybe quietly maybe not, CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE??????????
on a much fiercer meaner and grander scale that's how it is with addicts and those that want to take their drugs away from them. or want to talk to them about quitting. or about rehab, meetings, RECOVERY. big ole interrupting nuisance. they just want to be left alone to get high in peace. they don't want to hear about responsibilities, or bills, or what the children need, or what a loser they are, they want it all to GO AWAY. cuz that sh!t is a real BUZZ KILL.
and when people will not get off their backs, they lash out. they blame others for their problems, for their current state, for everthing, because the alternative is unthinkable....to accept they are themselves to blame, that this is all a mess of their making, and quitting is the wise thing to do. and they've never been more terrified in their lives.........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Zoso writes poetry..........
to whit:
"When two people get married and bring children
into the world, the implicit promise is neither
person will do anything to undercut the viability
of the marriage or the family. He has chosen, time
and time again, to renege on that implicit promise.
And because he's not playing by the rules you both
agreed to, you are well within your rights to protect
yourself and your children and dump his arse."
Vale &Mrs. Vale get to celebrate their 30th
imminently. We remember the big shindig (1985)
(for whose benefit I have no idea!)......but what
REALLY mattered wasn't the chanting of some
'rent-a-priest'----
It was the bona fide "I've got your back.......
to the end" we traded later that evening.
You owe NOTHING to the one who has
shown you they won't watch your back.
In (serious) wartime, they shoot sleeping sentries.
to whit:
"When two people get married and bring children
into the world, the implicit promise is neither
person will do anything to undercut the viability
of the marriage or the family. He has chosen, time
and time again, to renege on that implicit promise.
And because he's not playing by the rules you both
agreed to, you are well within your rights to protect
yourself and your children and dump his arse."
Vale &Mrs. Vale get to celebrate their 30th
imminently. We remember the big shindig (1985)
(for whose benefit I have no idea!)......but what
REALLY mattered wasn't the chanting of some
'rent-a-priest'----
It was the bona fide "I've got your back.......
to the end" we traded later that evening.
You owe NOTHING to the one who has
shown you they won't watch your back.
In (serious) wartime, they shoot sleeping sentries.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: CT
Posts: 13
Thank you all for your replys. I think what happens is that when someone says something to you over and over again, you start to believe it. When a husband says to a wife, your fat, or a parent to a child, your stupid, etc... Eventually you start to believe it. Even today with this divorce looming , I still feel sorry for him. And worry about him. And if he will be ok? Will he be lonely? And the truth is I hate him for what he is done to this family and can't forgive him. And know I must leave. But still feel sorry for him. Maybe Bc I do take some responsibility for this still.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
[I]
they just want to be left alone to get high in peace. they don't want to hear about responsibilities, or bills, or what the children need, or what a loser they are, they want it all to GO AWAY. cuz that sh!t is a real BUZZ KILL.
they just want to be left alone to get high in peace. they don't want to hear about responsibilities, or bills, or what the children need, or what a loser they are, they want it all to GO AWAY. cuz that sh!t is a real BUZZ KILL.
wow, While this advice was directed to someone else, did this strike a cord with me this morning... Thank you for this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Maybe they should rename Addiction SELFISH AS*HOLEISM. I would just tell you to consider the source. You moving on and leaving him in your rear view mirror sounds like the best thing you can do for you and your children. You deserve so much more. So does he, but unfortunately only he can change that and doesn't sound like he is even close to doing that. Probably will never happen. Take care of yourself and your kids and never too late to start anew. Take Care!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Dear very temporarily broken and soon to be repaired wife, I concur with what almost everyone here is saying. I want to add that you gave him a lot more than he deserved. How irritating have a grown-up child around the house to take care of.
Of course he's having a tantrum now the gig's up, and expect it to escalate as he works our you're not backing down. He might even make attempts at recovery and a few promises. Remember that actions count, not words.
Of course he's having a tantrum now the gig's up, and expect it to escalate as he works our you're not backing down. He might even make attempts at recovery and a few promises. Remember that actions count, not words.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I still feel sorry for him. And worry about him. And if he will be ok? Will he be lonely?
i'd like to suggest that you are projecting those thoughts and concerns towards HIM, when in fact those are concerns you hold for yourself. but it's been so long since you put your own needs FIRST, that you automatically assume any concern you have is for HIM.
he's over 18 right? he is employable to some degree? didn't just stumble out of the woods after 15 years and not have a sense of how things work in the world? then he is absolutely capable of taking care of himself. mr big shot i can do what i want can now DO WHATEVER HE WANTS. and if he makes a bungled mess of things, he can reap the rewards of all that.
sadly he does not see you as an equal, as a partner or even a friend, simply something between a doormat and an obstacle. you have been his whipping boy, scape goat and caretaker. once you are out of the way he'll have only himself to face. don't expect this to get any easier, or for him to suddenly see the light. just keep taking the steps you need to get out.
i'd like to suggest that you are projecting those thoughts and concerns towards HIM, when in fact those are concerns you hold for yourself. but it's been so long since you put your own needs FIRST, that you automatically assume any concern you have is for HIM.
he's over 18 right? he is employable to some degree? didn't just stumble out of the woods after 15 years and not have a sense of how things work in the world? then he is absolutely capable of taking care of himself. mr big shot i can do what i want can now DO WHATEVER HE WANTS. and if he makes a bungled mess of things, he can reap the rewards of all that.
sadly he does not see you as an equal, as a partner or even a friend, simply something between a doormat and an obstacle. you have been his whipping boy, scape goat and caretaker. once you are out of the way he'll have only himself to face. don't expect this to get any easier, or for him to suddenly see the light. just keep taking the steps you need to get out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Of course he blames you.
You learn pretty quickly & painfully that the addict him/herself is NEVER to blame, in their own mind. It's always someone else's fault. There are always extenuating circumstances.
The only thing more difficult to deal with in terms of accountability is when they start posturing & admitting that indeed, it is they who have the problem, but "You knew this about me before we started dating/got married/etc", or, "Well, yeah, I did XYZ, why do you care?"
You will eventually, on your own time, in your own way, learn to see through all the smoke & mirrors to the only truth that matters here:
Not your circus, not your monkey.
His choices are his whether he takes responsibility for them or not, and so are yours. Once your choices start reflecting the fact that you have learned self-respect & that things are never as they seem (aka, as the addict says they are), things will start to improve for you.
You are never to blame for anyone's actions but your own...
You learn pretty quickly & painfully that the addict him/herself is NEVER to blame, in their own mind. It's always someone else's fault. There are always extenuating circumstances.
The only thing more difficult to deal with in terms of accountability is when they start posturing & admitting that indeed, it is they who have the problem, but "You knew this about me before we started dating/got married/etc", or, "Well, yeah, I did XYZ, why do you care?"
You will eventually, on your own time, in your own way, learn to see through all the smoke & mirrors to the only truth that matters here:
Not your circus, not your monkey.
His choices are his whether he takes responsibility for them or not, and so are yours. Once your choices start reflecting the fact that you have learned self-respect & that things are never as they seem (aka, as the addict says they are), things will start to improve for you.
You are never to blame for anyone's actions but your own...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Blame game. Welcome to the club.
It's the berate and blame game here. And as you see pretty common. Besides the substance there are probably other issues there since drugs/alcohol frequently lower inhibition or self control. Unfortunately many hear what the addict really thinks or sees what they actually want to do and that could include acting out with no limits such as a tantrum or tirade.
Be safe, do not engage. They want what they want when they want it. And when they don't get what they expect is when all heck breaks lose.
Stay safe.
It's the berate and blame game here. And as you see pretty common. Besides the substance there are probably other issues there since drugs/alcohol frequently lower inhibition or self control. Unfortunately many hear what the addict really thinks or sees what they actually want to do and that could include acting out with no limits such as a tantrum or tirade.
Be safe, do not engage. They want what they want when they want it. And when they don't get what they expect is when all heck breaks lose.
Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TBW- Welcome. I am sure this is overwhelming hearing all this information. You have to understand, we have all lived some sort of what you are going through. We speak from experience, as you can go back and look at when we all joined. It might sound kind of scary for you of what people are saying. But think about it, you have done everything possible to get him sober, has it worked? So maybe you might want to try something different.
First off he is telling you that are ruining this "awesome" marriage that you have. You have to understand an addict eventually take no responsibility for anything. We take "over" because they can't handle it. By asking for a divorce, he will have to find a home, move, set up all the utilities and pay bills, clean a house and so on. This is a lot of work and an addict will have to be clear headed. Now why would he want to do that??
When you reach out to an attorney to find out your legal rights, he will start getting nervous. Then you will hear maybe I will try rehab or do it on his own. He will start coming around, words are cheap. You will see on this forum they say 6 months to a year of sobriety before you can "truly" trust an addict again. There is so much for you to learn, Take your time and things will fall into place. You have support here, we have been there. Hugs my friend!! life will get better for you and your kids, with him or with out!!
First off he is telling you that are ruining this "awesome" marriage that you have. You have to understand an addict eventually take no responsibility for anything. We take "over" because they can't handle it. By asking for a divorce, he will have to find a home, move, set up all the utilities and pay bills, clean a house and so on. This is a lot of work and an addict will have to be clear headed. Now why would he want to do that??
When you reach out to an attorney to find out your legal rights, he will start getting nervous. Then you will hear maybe I will try rehab or do it on his own. He will start coming around, words are cheap. You will see on this forum they say 6 months to a year of sobriety before you can "truly" trust an addict again. There is so much for you to learn, Take your time and things will fall into place. You have support here, we have been there. Hugs my friend!! life will get better for you and your kids, with him or with out!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
all great advice here from people who have been thru the fire.
Compassion is okay but at this point, save it for your own strengthening. You must face countless hurdles but they are in no way as high or impenetrable as staying with an addict who gaslights. You can do this. The feeling of freedom from the craziness is like a cool breeze in the desert. No it's not your fault. No you didn't do anything to make him an addict. Keep telling yourself - each day as often as you need. His words are desperation from his brain - manipulation. Guilt. Stop listening, after all - he has a degree from the College of Users. We are here any time you need us.
Compassion is okay but at this point, save it for your own strengthening. You must face countless hurdles but they are in no way as high or impenetrable as staying with an addict who gaslights. You can do this. The feeling of freedom from the craziness is like a cool breeze in the desert. No it's not your fault. No you didn't do anything to make him an addict. Keep telling yourself - each day as often as you need. His words are desperation from his brain - manipulation. Guilt. Stop listening, after all - he has a degree from the College of Users. We are here any time you need us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
with my ex husband who was a 'problem drinker' (his words) - the moment that I walked out of the attorney's office - I felt strength pour thru me. I felt 20 pounds lighter and so proud of getting thru it.
Best to you as you walk maneuver thru this week. It's a sad thing and scary too. Hugs TBW
Best to you as you walk maneuver thru this week. It's a sad thing and scary too. Hugs TBW
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
