goldiilocks

I haven't been on this forum in over a year. I had a stretch of sobriety in September 2014 which lasted about 6 months (went to outpatient rehab), but in February, I picked up again. I have relapsed 4 or 5 times since February, every time going back into the rooms and getting a desire chip right after, usually until I get relief from the pain I've caused. A month or two will pass and then I pick up again.

September 2nd (Wednesday) I drank again. This time I blacked our and said some really vile things to my parents. Things I don't think I can ever take back. I don't remember most of them, but I do know I told my mom I hope she dies soon because I won't take care of her when she is older. While I was screaming at them, my successful older brother who doesn't live with us anymore, walked in. I grabbed a backpack and walked out.

I don't known what to do about this. I don't know why I keep relapsing. When I dont drink, things are really good... but it's like I decide to self sabatoge and pick up again.

My sponsor is picking me up today at 11 and we are going to a meeting. I don't know how she has had the strength to stick with me through all of this.

I don't even want to insult my parents with an apology. I've already apologized so much and said it was the last time so much that words are meaningless at this point. I think I should apologize for my words, but show them with my actions that I am going to stop drinking.

Just feeling really broken at the moment and could use some support or encouragement...

doggonecarl

If you haven't taken drinking off the table, completely, then the choice to use, even when it is a terrible choice, is available.

If SR helped in the past, I hope you stick around.

BD84

Every single day ask yourself why am I not going to drink today. We cant have a few so just dont do it. Dont hurt any more. I dont know you but I feel the pain and love you as a fellow human being.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back goldilocks. Seeing your sponsor today and going to a meeting sounds like a good idea. Letting your actions speak for you rather than apolgizing yet again is also a fantastic observation. The one thing you CAN do to help heal the wounds of the past is find a way to live sober.

Another observation you mentioned - you "don't know how" your sponsor has the strength to stick with you. Why don't you ask her? I think what you'll find is that she is absolutely dedicated not only to you but also to her own sobriety. Part of the way you help yourself is by helping others, and that's exactly what she's doing. I'd suggest asking all the same questions to her and others that you just asked here.

You've proven that you can be sober for extended periods of time, so you know you can live without alcohol, no question. You just need to find a way to keep motivated and follow through with your commitment.

goldiilocks

I just wonder if everyone, including myself has given up on me. Someone once said in the rooms that once you relapse, you can no longer trust yourself. It rings true to me now. I feel like a child for wanting them to not give up on me because if they don't give up on me, I can't give up on me. However I don't think it's fair of me to ask that of them judging by my track record.

Wastinglife

HI Goldilocks, I can relate. I haven't been invited to my parents house in over 3 years since my last visit when I got blackout drunk and yelled at my mother about her being an alcoholic (which she is). I also got into a physical confrontation with my brother, spent the night in jail. Been pretty much estranged since. I'm not even invited over at Christmas time.

All we can do is focus on sobriety and hopefully let time heal wounds. I'm sure many people on here have similar stories and have been forgiven eventually.

ScottFromWI

You just mentioned that your sponsor hasn't given up. And if you are here trying again ( and going to meeting today ) you haven't give up either. Addiction isn't about "fairness"....and the number of times you may have drank really doesn't matter. This time, today, is all that matters.

Soberwolf

Welcome back Goldilocks

NestWasEmpty

I feel your pain goldilocks . Of the 10+ years of my drinking I said horrible words to my parents , even after health started failing . Lost my Mom during that time too. A big blur of Heartache I'm dealing with . Only thing I did right was be sober for my Dad after the lose of my Mom - until he passed . I hope you get control some how , so you won't find yourself in my shoes
Your on the right track - show them you can Fight that Beast !! Stay strong

goldiilocks

Thank you

Fly N Buy

Thanks for the post - you're not alone, many of us have gone through what you're going through now. It's part of the cycle of becoming accepting and reaching the state of readiness. Until we reach that point we bounce around like a ping pong ball, repeating the same mistakes and experiencing the shame = pain. This is why those who become sober eventually decide they've had enough. Until the consequences get bad enough, we simply keep drinking. Each persons definition of bad consequences varies = how much pain do we want to endure and cause others?!??

The problem is not everyone "survives" the point of being ready. Some die, some do irreparable harm to relationship that can never be mended. This is one reason people refer to sobriety as a gift. It's never guaranteed we can accept the fact we can't drink, at all and become truly ready to stop and stay stopped.

AA tells us in the journal of the first 100 who recovered - it's not theory, this is what they actually did - this; More about Alcoholism - alcoholism is (1) a permanent condition, it is (2) a progressive disease, (3) it is a very patient disease; the “insidious insanity.” and (4) without spiritual help it is fatal.

Read Acceptance was the Answer - pg 449. Read it everyday..........
Your thread will help many others btw - good for you on posting, you've done some service work today

Anna

Goldilocks, I'm glad you're back and that your sponsor is supporting you.

It's not true that once you relapse, you can no longer trust yourself. I relapsed and I trust myself and I have faith that I will do the right thing regarding alcohol.

Surround yourself with people who believe in you. If you feel like no one believes in you now, then come here and read and post, because we believe in you.

labgirl

We haven't given up on you goldilocks! Don't give up on yourself!

entropy1964

Hi Goldilocks

I know so well how you are feeling. I too said some things a while back (sober however...figure that out) that are beyond reproach. Some of it is actually my truth. But the way in which I handled it was deplorable. I feel horrid. Time is easing some of the pain but I know the only way out of this regret (which is a killer to recovery) is to forgive myself and let go. There is no repairing my situation. I know my regret is because I'm so ashamed of myself...even if I had some 'right' to my feelings. I'm going to write a long letter to this person owning all my misgivings. I can't send it but I'm hoping it will help me move forward and stop beating myself up.

I don't know if you have kids but as a parent I know how deep the love for my child goes. That doesn't mean she can abuse me non stop without consequences but it would take an awful lot to sever that tie. You sound like you understand what you need to do. Just keep doing the right thing, each minute, each day. That will add up, you will feel better and your parents will see the progress. Maybe after some time progresses you can sit down with them and express your remorse.

AA is a good program. The Big Book chapter on How it Works is an excellent tool for uncovering issues, discovering who you are, and discarding resentments and thinking that isn't working. The fellowships of AA, the meetings, are a different story. They are all different from eachother, comprised of people with unique stories and experiences. Much is said in the fellowships that is never even mentioned in the book. The book doesn't even mention sponsors....something that is considered so pivotal to the program (and I think it is btw). What I'm saying is, you'll hear LOTS of things in AA that aren't true for everyone. There are no absolutes. With sober time under your belt, you can learn to trust yourself again. You relapsed. Okay. Its what you learn from that that will make the difference. Look at step one long and hard. There is a step guide from NA that I think is great for really breaking down the steps. NA/AA doesn't matter. We're all addicts.

Hang in there.

Dee74

Welcome back

I'll back what Anna said - I can absolutely trust myself now and I have faith in myself to do the right thing.

don't confused the addicted you for the essential you - you might think they're the same, but they're not.

There was a you before addiction and there'll be a you after it

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!!

goldiilocks

Thank you everyone for your words.

Got my desire chip, and the meeting I went to was about relapse.... well then, who would have thought.
I'm still very depressed and back on day 1. I'm not counting yesterday because I drank a Heineken upon awakening.

I just keep telling myself that this is the last time I have to feel like this, but it's going to take a lot of work and I have to make my sobriety my number one priority.

I want to live a life I'm proud of.

Dee74

It's a worthy aim Goldilocks and I absolutely believe you can do it

D

thomas11

Hi Goldilocks, this may come across rather direct. The only one that matters in terms of giving up, is YOU. If YOU don't give up on yourself, you still have a chance. Everyone in the whole world can support you, but if you still want to drink, you're going to drink and when you drink, it sounds like bad things happen. I support you unconditionally because i know alcohol is a demon. But please believe in yourself, and have the confidence in yourself that you can achieve what you want (sobriety) if you put in the work. read around this site, there are tons of people who have been sober for a looooonnng time, and not one of them will tell you it was easy. But they did it. That's what keeps me going. Knowing it can be done. The only standing between you and your sobriety is work and effort. I wish you the best.