What to do..
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 13
What to do..
Bf of 6 roller coaster years just can't kick booze. He's been trying for 3 years now, has been able to go 6 months sober. This last year his grandfather died and its been a constant struggle since then.
Last Friday I caught him drinking, I just walked out of his apt and didn't answer the 30+ phone calls or 40+ texts. I proceeded to shut his phone off (family plan) and just went home and was numb. I've felt so anxious and upset all week over this, we've talked a bit on fb but its mainly him being mad and saying mean things. Well today, I had therapy and talked to the therapist about suggesting rehab to him. So I met up with him and suggested that. Turns out he was/is all for it. He is currently at the weekly SR meeting here and we are going to talk more when it's over.
This rehab thing is new for us, its never been a suggestion before. He's always just tried on his own. What will it be like? Will he actually get better?
As of now I'm still not back together but he did ask me to be there when he gets out. I told him I'd support him in this decision. He also wants me to turn back his phone on so he can communicate with his family.
My family does not want us together and my roommate/bestie and I just got in a huge arguments over this.
I am so confused and conflicted. I want him to be healthy and that great guy, but I also know I'm so fed up with the drinking and the lies and the verbal abuse.
I know I haven't been perfect in the relationship, and need to work on myself. Would me doing therapy, him doing rehab and then together us doing therapy fix it? I believe he is my one, and that's why I have such a hard time walking away.
Last Friday I caught him drinking, I just walked out of his apt and didn't answer the 30+ phone calls or 40+ texts. I proceeded to shut his phone off (family plan) and just went home and was numb. I've felt so anxious and upset all week over this, we've talked a bit on fb but its mainly him being mad and saying mean things. Well today, I had therapy and talked to the therapist about suggesting rehab to him. So I met up with him and suggested that. Turns out he was/is all for it. He is currently at the weekly SR meeting here and we are going to talk more when it's over.
This rehab thing is new for us, its never been a suggestion before. He's always just tried on his own. What will it be like? Will he actually get better?
As of now I'm still not back together but he did ask me to be there when he gets out. I told him I'd support him in this decision. He also wants me to turn back his phone on so he can communicate with his family.
My family does not want us together and my roommate/bestie and I just got in a huge arguments over this.
I am so confused and conflicted. I want him to be healthy and that great guy, but I also know I'm so fed up with the drinking and the lies and the verbal abuse.
I know I haven't been perfect in the relationship, and need to work on myself. Would me doing therapy, him doing rehab and then together us doing therapy fix it? I believe he is my one, and that's why I have such a hard time walking away.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Wonderish, there's really no way to predict if/when/how he will quit. Sounds like he's been trying for a very long time without success. Also sounds like your friends and family are very concerned about you. Why do you think that is? Is this the same guy who assaulted you in 2011?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by jjj111 
Wonderish, there's really no way to predict if/when/how he will quit. Sounds like he's been trying for a very long time without success. Also sounds like your friends and family are very concerned about you. Why do you think that is? Is this the same guy who assaulted you in 2011?
And yes, he has been trying. This morning my roommate/bestie left me a letter on my dresser saying she can't support my relationship with him and is putting up boundaries where we don't talk about it at all.
So now I'm even more stresses out and confused.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
I don't think you should pay for his phone.
He is a grown man, and part of being an adult is paying your own bills.
Saying he'll go to rehab may just be a way to reel you back in.
If you really want to know if he's serious, tell him you want to go no contact
until he's proven he's really in recovery with six months - year of sobriety
after rehab. And that you won't be paying for his phone.
Chances are, the "mean things" will start being said again when he can't manipulate you back into his life.
Isn't six years long enough to put your life on hold waiting for him to recover?
Going into rehab is just the very beginning of a long difficult road.
He is a grown man, and part of being an adult is paying your own bills.
Saying he'll go to rehab may just be a way to reel you back in.
If you really want to know if he's serious, tell him you want to go no contact
until he's proven he's really in recovery with six months - year of sobriety
after rehab. And that you won't be paying for his phone.
Chances are, the "mean things" will start being said again when he can't manipulate you back into his life.
Isn't six years long enough to put your life on hold waiting for him to recover?
Going into rehab is just the very beginning of a long difficult road.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Wonderish,
Evidently there is quite a bit of history which I don't know, but....
"Would me doing therapy, him doing rehab and then together us doing therapy fix it?"
I have a theory about rehab which many agree with: "Going to rehab is like going to college; meaning that you get out of rehab exactly what you put into it." You can skate through college or skate through rehab - both attempt to teach the tools which you need to achieve your goals - how well they are learned is up to you.
"I believe he is my one, and that's why I have such a hard time walking away." Not long ago on these boards, Ann said,"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here." Truer words were never spoken.
Good luck on your journey, keep coming back!
Jim
Evidently there is quite a bit of history which I don't know, but....
"Would me doing therapy, him doing rehab and then together us doing therapy fix it?"
I have a theory about rehab which many agree with: "Going to rehab is like going to college; meaning that you get out of rehab exactly what you put into it." You can skate through college or skate through rehab - both attempt to teach the tools which you need to achieve your goals - how well they are learned is up to you.
"I believe he is my one, and that's why I have such a hard time walking away." Not long ago on these boards, Ann said,"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here." Truer words were never spoken.
Good luck on your journey, keep coming back!
Jim
Last edited by JimC60; 09-04-2015 at 12:56 PM. Reason: Corrected Ann's quote
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I don't think you should pay for his phone.
He is a grown man, and part of being an adult is paying your own bills.
Saying he'll go to rehab may just be a way to reel you back in.
If you really want to know if he's serious, tell him you want to go no contact
until he's proven he's really in recovery with six months - year of sobriety
after rehab. And that you won't be paying for his phone.
Chances are, the "mean things" will start being said again when he can't manipulate you back into his life.
Isn't six years long enough to put your life on hold waiting for him to recover?
Going into rehab is just the very beginning of a long difficult road.
He is a grown man, and part of being an adult is paying your own bills.
Saying he'll go to rehab may just be a way to reel you back in.
If you really want to know if he's serious, tell him you want to go no contact
until he's proven he's really in recovery with six months - year of sobriety
after rehab. And that you won't be paying for his phone.
Chances are, the "mean things" will start being said again when he can't manipulate you back into his life.
Isn't six years long enough to put your life on hold waiting for him to recover?
Going into rehab is just the very beginning of a long difficult road.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I don't think you should pay for his phone.
He is a grown man, and part of being an adult is paying your own bills.
Saying he'll go to rehab may just be a way to reel you back in.
If you really want to know if he's serious, tell him you want to go no contact
until he's proven he's really in recovery with six months - year of sobriety
after rehab. And that you won't be paying for his phone.
Chances are, the "mean things" will start being said again when he can't manipulate you back into his life.
Isn't six years long enough to put your life on hold waiting for him to recover?
Going into rehab is just the very beginning of a long difficult road.
He is a grown man, and part of being an adult is paying your own bills.
Saying he'll go to rehab may just be a way to reel you back in.
If you really want to know if he's serious, tell him you want to go no contact
until he's proven he's really in recovery with six months - year of sobriety
after rehab. And that you won't be paying for his phone.
Chances are, the "mean things" will start being said again when he can't manipulate you back into his life.
Isn't six years long enough to put your life on hold waiting for him to recover?
Going into rehab is just the very beginning of a long difficult road.
I spoke with him breifely last night and just told him how I feel and he said I need to do what I need to do for myself. He finds out his rehab date next week tho.
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