Would appreciate your thoughts please
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Would appreciate your thoughts please
I mentioned in a previous thread that I wasn't so sure about my new counsellor. She has previously said how much God loves me and basically that is all I need to know and should be enough for me to love myself??
So I met with her last night and I was talking about the shame and guilt I felt over my behaviour with old friend, and not understanding why I keep beating myself up over how I behaved how I know I need to change my behaviour but I feel so insecure and worthless, I keep seeking reassurance from people. I also told her submitting my cross petition and that I didn't know how I was feeling about that!
Her response was that I keep going over the same issues and I need to move on, yes I know that but I said I need to understand why I behave the way I did and how I can ensure or at least learn strategies to as not to in the future, I need to understand why I engage in self destructive behaviours. I also said to her that I struggle with identifying my feelings and understanding why I feel the way I do, that I pushed my own feelings down for so many years the only thing that mattered was stbxah feelings and making sure he was ok. I need help understanding my thoughts, feelings and behaviours!!
Her response was well you know why you had a difficult childhood, when I asked her I need to know more about how and why my childhood has impacted on me today she said but we have touched on this, you didn't feel wanted, that's why you are the way you are! Is it really as simple as this, I had crap childhood so this is the result? I always thought there was more to it and she doesn't feel that I need to keep talking about my childhood as we have discussed it!!
She is very keen however in talking about God and for me attending an alpha course which will tell me about God and help me understand his love for me. I've told her I won't be attending I believe in God and I know he loves me but that won't help me understand why I am the way I am. She thinks it will then recommended I read some of the course books!!
I don't know I've had 4 sessions so far and don't really feel that I've gotten anywhere. One of the sessions was with stones and I had to pick a stone that represents me and then place other stones around me that represent people in my life and why I placed them where I did. I thought this would lead to somewhere or some exploration of something I don't know. Anyway I didn't get to finish and we have never talked about it again feels kind of pointless!!
Sorry for the long post I just don't know if this counsellor is right for me but I'm worried about saying to the manager as I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to have to wait for another 6 months!!!!
So I met with her last night and I was talking about the shame and guilt I felt over my behaviour with old friend, and not understanding why I keep beating myself up over how I behaved how I know I need to change my behaviour but I feel so insecure and worthless, I keep seeking reassurance from people. I also told her submitting my cross petition and that I didn't know how I was feeling about that!
Her response was that I keep going over the same issues and I need to move on, yes I know that but I said I need to understand why I behave the way I did and how I can ensure or at least learn strategies to as not to in the future, I need to understand why I engage in self destructive behaviours. I also said to her that I struggle with identifying my feelings and understanding why I feel the way I do, that I pushed my own feelings down for so many years the only thing that mattered was stbxah feelings and making sure he was ok. I need help understanding my thoughts, feelings and behaviours!!
Her response was well you know why you had a difficult childhood, when I asked her I need to know more about how and why my childhood has impacted on me today she said but we have touched on this, you didn't feel wanted, that's why you are the way you are! Is it really as simple as this, I had crap childhood so this is the result? I always thought there was more to it and she doesn't feel that I need to keep talking about my childhood as we have discussed it!!
She is very keen however in talking about God and for me attending an alpha course which will tell me about God and help me understand his love for me. I've told her I won't be attending I believe in God and I know he loves me but that won't help me understand why I am the way I am. She thinks it will then recommended I read some of the course books!!
I don't know I've had 4 sessions so far and don't really feel that I've gotten anywhere. One of the sessions was with stones and I had to pick a stone that represents me and then place other stones around me that represent people in my life and why I placed them where I did. I thought this would lead to somewhere or some exploration of something I don't know. Anyway I didn't get to finish and we have never talked about it again feels kind of pointless!!
Sorry for the long post I just don't know if this counsellor is right for me but I'm worried about saying to the manager as I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to have to wait for another 6 months!!!!
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Well, I myself think you need to find another counselor. I have a religious support group that I attend, for free. A therapist I am paying to dive deep into myself, and that has nothing to do with religion.
That us just my .02.
When I was seeing my guy, he did ask me about what support group I had, and told me to pay special attention to the serenity prayer b/c it is so very true. That was the extent of our talk about religion.
That us just my .02.
When I was seeing my guy, he did ask me about what support group I had, and told me to pay special attention to the serenity prayer b/c it is so very true. That was the extent of our talk about religion.
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She knows I attend alanon. The counselling service is run by a church but they are all independent counsellors. my last counsellor didn't bring up religion or push me in any direction she let me talk about what I needed to talk about, we delved into how I felt about things, the first time I'd ever done that and also started to look at the negative view I have of myself. I could talk to her about anything I felt that I was being told off last night. That can't be good!! She seems to do most of the talking and I'm paying for this!!
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Thank you everyone. Your right in what your saying and I know that just wanted your views to make sure I wasn't being overly critical.
Now I just have to ring the manager and tell her we are not a good fit!!
Now I just have to ring the manager and tell her we are not a good fit!!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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This sounds like maybe a good opportunity to practice setting boundaries? It sounds like the relationship isn't a good fit. Not really anyone's fault, you two just don't have the same priorities. So maybe it's better to let the relationship go and open yourself up to something new!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I study psychology, and I also think (a see the others) that this definitely doesn't sound as something you should be paying for.
I agree in that it might be a better option to leave and perhaps search for someone else.
I agree in that it might be a better option to leave and perhaps search for someone else.
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Originally Posted by Butterfly 
I mentioned in a previous thread that I wasn't so sure about my new counsellor. She has previously said how much God loves me and basically that is all I need to know and should be enough for me to love myself??
So I met with her last night and I was talking about the shame and guilt I felt over my behaviour with old friend, and not understanding why I keep beating myself up over how I behaved how I know I need to change my behaviour but I feel so insecure and worthless, I keep seeking reassurance from people. I also told her submitting my cross petition and that I didn't know how I was feeling about that!
Her response was that I keep going over the same issues and I need to move on, yes I know that but I said I need to understand why I behave the way I did and how I can ensure or at least learn strategies to as not to in the future, I need to understand why I engage in self destructive behaviours. I also said to her that I struggle with identifying my feelings and understanding why I feel the way I do, that I pushed my own feelings down for so many years the only thing that mattered was stbxah feelings and making sure he was ok. I need help understanding my thoughts, feelings and behaviours!!
Her response was well you know why you had a difficult childhood, when I asked her I need to know more about how and why my childhood has impacted on me today she said but we have touched on this, you didn't feel wanted, that's why you are the way you are! Is it really as simple as this, I had crap childhood so this is the result? I always thought there was more to it and she doesn't feel that I need to keep talking about my childhood as we have discussed it!!
She is very keen however in talking about God and for me attending an alpha course which will tell me about God and help me understand his love for me. I've told her I won't be attending I believe in God and I know he loves me but that won't help me understand why I am the way I am. She thinks it will then recommended I read some of the course books!!
I don't know I've had 4 sessions so far and don't really feel that I've gotten anywhere. One of the sessions was with stones and I had to pick a stone that represents me and then place other stones around me that represent people in my life and why I placed them where I did. I thought this would lead to somewhere or some exploration of something I don't know. Anyway I didn't get to finish and we have never talked about it again feels kind of pointless!!
Sorry for the long post I just don't know if this counsellor is right for me but I'm worried about saying to the manager as I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to have to wait for another 6 months!!!!
So I met with her last night and I was talking about the shame and guilt I felt over my behaviour with old friend, and not understanding why I keep beating myself up over how I behaved how I know I need to change my behaviour but I feel so insecure and worthless, I keep seeking reassurance from people. I also told her submitting my cross petition and that I didn't know how I was feeling about that!
Her response was that I keep going over the same issues and I need to move on, yes I know that but I said I need to understand why I behave the way I did and how I can ensure or at least learn strategies to as not to in the future, I need to understand why I engage in self destructive behaviours. I also said to her that I struggle with identifying my feelings and understanding why I feel the way I do, that I pushed my own feelings down for so many years the only thing that mattered was stbxah feelings and making sure he was ok. I need help understanding my thoughts, feelings and behaviours!!
Her response was well you know why you had a difficult childhood, when I asked her I need to know more about how and why my childhood has impacted on me today she said but we have touched on this, you didn't feel wanted, that's why you are the way you are! Is it really as simple as this, I had crap childhood so this is the result? I always thought there was more to it and she doesn't feel that I need to keep talking about my childhood as we have discussed it!!
She is very keen however in talking about God and for me attending an alpha course which will tell me about God and help me understand his love for me. I've told her I won't be attending I believe in God and I know he loves me but that won't help me understand why I am the way I am. She thinks it will then recommended I read some of the course books!!
I don't know I've had 4 sessions so far and don't really feel that I've gotten anywhere. One of the sessions was with stones and I had to pick a stone that represents me and then place other stones around me that represent people in my life and why I placed them where I did. I thought this would lead to somewhere or some exploration of something I don't know. Anyway I didn't get to finish and we have never talked about it again feels kind of pointless!!
Sorry for the long post I just don't know if this counsellor is right for me but I'm worried about saying to the manager as I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to have to wait for another 6 months!!!!
Telling you that you need to forgive and move on
vs. helping you identify and pray for each memory and thought
that needs forgiveness and letting go
are two different things.
If this person does not help you dig up the stuck points that need the forgiveness, then you may stay stuck.
Can you start with issues from your mother's side of the family, are there any patterns you see repeating there? Forgiving those and committing to change will open doors in that direction.
What about your dad's side of the family, anything there you notice repeating in your later romantic relations or conflicts with others?
if you pick through your past, and see what memories or people trigger "negative" responses or fears, those are the key areas where forgiveness means liberating you from blockages from the past.
If you need help to identify and pray to remove these areas of unforgiven issues or conflicts, I posted a list of some resources on www.spiritual-healing.us for further research study on this method of therapy that has healed people of unconscious patterns inherited from past generations. I recommend this to anyone of any faith or no faith at all, as it has even helped atheist friends of mine to be freed from issues they thought they were stuck with until forgiveness prayer removed them and freed their minds.
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counseling is perhaps the MOST intimate of relationships...and if you are not comfortable FOR ANY REASON then you need to find a new counselor/therapist. that doesn't mean you shop til you find what you WANT to hear, but if your personal ethics, morals or beliefs are being compromised, then that is NOT a therapeutic situation.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
It is TOTALLY inappropriate and unprofessional for a counsellor to foist their religious beliefs on you.
It sounds as if she has an agenda that is getting in the way of really _listening_ to what you need, and what you want to talk about.
You deserve someone more professional.
It sounds as if she has an agenda that is getting in the way of really _listening_ to what you need, and what you want to talk about.
You deserve someone more professional.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B- in my crazy life. I went to two marriage counselors and then 1 myself on and off for a year. I have to tell you in my situation the best place for me was alanon. They totally understood. I went every week for 3 months at the therapist, spent a fortune and she kept saying, detach ,detach but never showed me anything.
I gave up on counselors. Hooked up with a sponsor, 2 alanon, 2 open aa and sr. Then it finally hit. Maybe u should look towards an addiction specialist. Not sure
Hugs my friend!!
I gave up on counselors. Hooked up with a sponsor, 2 alanon, 2 open aa and sr. Then it finally hit. Maybe u should look towards an addiction specialist. Not sure
Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 60
Hi Butterfly
I concur with everything everyone has said, you can't continue with this counsellor if all she says is 'move on'. Her role is to help you navigate the feelings you have, to help you look deeply into them and come to some kind of peace and understanding. The moving on will happen naturally when you can do that.
Good luck with the call and let us know how you get on.
K8
I concur with everything everyone has said, you can't continue with this counsellor if all she says is 'move on'. Her role is to help you navigate the feelings you have, to help you look deeply into them and come to some kind of peace and understanding. The moving on will happen naturally when you can do that.
Good luck with the call and let us know how you get on.
K8
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Butterfly,
I think you've given it a fair shot, I was waiting to see if you mentioned how long you have been with her - I think 4 weeks/sessions is enough to make an educated decision to see if you jive with her or not.
Also, therapists are not really supposed to "answer" your questions, they are supposed to guide you to answer your own. The therapist that I was seeing before she moved her location (I would ask her similar things that you did) - she would not say very much but say enough to where the question ended back with me - she would ask questions to lead me...
Also God is great, but for me, God doesn't belong in a psychological setting. That's just my feeling. I'll do my God thing on my own, I'm in therapy to get info from a person who has a Masters/PHD in Psychology, etc.
Ditch her.
I think you've given it a fair shot, I was waiting to see if you mentioned how long you have been with her - I think 4 weeks/sessions is enough to make an educated decision to see if you jive with her or not.
Also, therapists are not really supposed to "answer" your questions, they are supposed to guide you to answer your own. The therapist that I was seeing before she moved her location (I would ask her similar things that you did) - she would not say very much but say enough to where the question ended back with me - she would ask questions to lead me...
Also God is great, but for me, God doesn't belong in a psychological setting. That's just my feeling. I'll do my God thing on my own, I'm in therapy to get info from a person who has a Masters/PHD in Psychology, etc.
Ditch her.
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I agree Meg and certainly my past experience of counselling has been that I haven't been given the answers but guided to find them for myself and that certainly helps things to stick for me!!
I have spoken with the manager and requested a new counsellor and explained my reasoning!! Big step for me as previously I wouldn't have had the nerve to do this and just wouldn't have returned!! Feeling proud of myself today
I have spoken with the manager and requested a new counsellor and explained my reasoning!! Big step for me as previously I wouldn't have had the nerve to do this and just wouldn't have returned!! Feeling proud of myself today
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I agree that she is not a good fit for you B, in 4 sessions you should have a much greater comfort level with her IMO.
You SHOULD be proud, great job!
Now - can you see this situation as not toooooo different than the one with your friend?
You can accept that it just wasn't right with the therapist & that it's not a reflection of YOU - so you aren't worried about HER approval or reassurance, right?
It's not really that different with him - all the details are of course, the relationship is fully different - but the "issue" isn't YOUR fault alone & doesn't reflect your worthiness in any way. It's the same mentality in both situations. Sure, you could've handled it better.... but so could he!
Is it different because he's a man? Or because it was a more personal relationship? IDK - you do
..... Dig, dig, dig into your emotions & thought processes about that!
I agree with both of you - it IS that simple on the surface but the roots go deeper. That IS the cause but it created a thousand little symptoms that you need help identifying too, to see how it is still playing out for you today & ESPECIALLY since your split from AH.
BIG HUGS Butterfly, you are getting there!
Big step for me as previously I wouldn't have had the nerve to do this and just wouldn't have returned!! Feeling proud of myself today
Now - can you see this situation as not toooooo different than the one with your friend?
I was talking about the shame and guilt I felt over my behaviour with old friend, and not understanding why I keep beating myself up over how I behaved how I know I need to change my behaviour but I feel so insecure and worthless, I keep seeking reassurance from people.
It's not really that different with him - all the details are of course, the relationship is fully different - but the "issue" isn't YOUR fault alone & doesn't reflect your worthiness in any way. It's the same mentality in both situations. Sure, you could've handled it better.... but so could he!
Is it different because he's a man? Or because it was a more personal relationship? IDK - you do
..... Dig, dig, dig into your emotions & thought processes about that!
Her response was well you know why you had a difficult childhood, when I asked her I need to know more about how and why my childhood has impacted on me today she said but we have touched on this, you didn't feel wanted, that's why you are the way you are! Is it really as simple as this, I had crap childhood so this is the result?
BIG HUGS Butterfly, you are getting there!
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Originally Posted by maia1234
B- in my crazy life. I went to two marriage counselors and then 1 myself on and off for a year. I have to tell you in my situation the best place for me was alanon. They totally understood. I went every week for 3 months at the therapist, spent a fortune and she kept saying, detach ,detach but never showed me anything.
I gave up on counselors. Hooked up with a sponsor, 2 alanon, 2 open aa and sr. Then it finally hit. Maybe u should look towards an addiction specialist. Not sure
Hugs my friend!!
I gave up on counselors. Hooked up with a sponsor, 2 alanon, 2 open aa and sr. Then it finally hit. Maybe u should look towards an addiction specialist. Not sure
Hugs my friend!!
Combined experience dealing with what we deal with measured in decades.
Some therapists are great for one person and not another. The guy I liked figured out pretty quick that I knew I'm not all there in certain areas and I'm cool with it... I needed to get an expert opinion on WHERE my perceptions and reactions were 'off'. Once I had that I could figure out the why and then the when - what triggers it.
Knowing THAT helped me start seeing where I was the problem and working on that.
Prayer is a beautiful thing. Tell her you prayed about it and God wants you to receive sound, structured, goal-oriented counseling with a purpose and a plan. Sounds nicer then "God put you through school to get a degree in this stuff and told me he'd like you to get off your ass and use your training, He's got His part handled".
See... I'm an a-hole. I see stuff like this and my snarky region of my brain lights up like a damned christmas tree. ...working on it.
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Thanks firesprite
I think it is different with the old friend but not because he's male but because he really was a really good friend to me way back when and yes we kissed back then and I knew he liked me but it was never more than friendship. I stopped seeing him when we stopped working in the same place and stbxah didn't like him and gave me a hard time for spending time with him so when he left the job I didn't maintain contact it was easier! I've always felt guilty and wondered what he was up to. So when we met up I was thrilled. But I fell into old habits of believing words that I so desperately wanted to be true and I thought he was the same person I knew back then who would never have mistreated me and always looked out for me, he knew what I went through with stbxah even then. I trusted him. He started the sex talk and I made it clear that I was ready for anything other than friendship, that I was damaged and messed up and hadn't come to terms with everything that had happened, and he said he was grand with that and we continued talking and he was supportive of my situation, not that I told him everything but he kept up the sex talk and I didn't respect my own boundaries, I was excited that someone found me attractive and thought about me that way.
Intimacy with stbxah was always on his terms, when I tried he rejected me but when he wanted it he constantly tried and tried until I gave in, I felt pressured and when he was drinking I avoided him but a few times in recent years I wasn't able to and being intimate was humiliating and painful.
So when he kissed me it felt good to be attractive and to be with someone who wanted me. He even told me that he knew if we were to have sex he would want to do it again, I told him there was plenty of time for that and I just wanted to see how things went and to get to know him, he said that was what he wanted. But then he started freaking out saying about not wanting to get hurt or to hurt me then he said its best we just stay friends which I was grand about, I didn't want o lose his friendship. I asked him why he kissed me and he said that was how he felt (should have been a red flag given he knew where I was emotionally) But when he didn't talk to me as regularly as he had been and when he did it was only in response to my text I began to think I'd done something wrong, maybe I wasn't clear that I would like something with him so I told him I did, how I hoped he could feel for me the way he use to, even though deep down I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted someone to want me and again I kept thinking he won't hurt me, he said so. I wanted it to go back to the way it was, talking every day and didn't understand what had happened.
My insecurities kicked in and I kept trying to fix it I apologised for things I didn't even know if I had done or not but because I thought I had done something wrong and if I apologised everything would be ok!! I kept asking what had changed and he thought it was about us kissing then becoming friends and it wasn't and I kept telling him that. He wouldn't admit his attitude had changed so I kept belief ng it was something I had done so kept apologising and pushing and explaining why I was so insecure and what I needed from people in my life, I was literally spewing feelings and emotions!! until he did tell me he didn't want to be friends. It's my fault I lost the friendship due to my insecurities. I sent him a text a few weeks ago again apologising and that I didn't want to lose his friendship but I understand why. I've deleted his number as I honestly don't trust myself to not contact him. I behaved .desperate, obsessive and crazy!! I pushed him away and maybe I did this deliberately, he got close too soon and I opened up and took a risk, who knows!!
I've to learn from that and look at my insecurities and why I need others to validate me. But my behaviour and loss of friendship has added to my feelings of guilt, shame and not being good enough. Sorry I know I've said this all before.
I think it is different with the old friend but not because he's male but because he really was a really good friend to me way back when and yes we kissed back then and I knew he liked me but it was never more than friendship. I stopped seeing him when we stopped working in the same place and stbxah didn't like him and gave me a hard time for spending time with him so when he left the job I didn't maintain contact it was easier! I've always felt guilty and wondered what he was up to. So when we met up I was thrilled. But I fell into old habits of believing words that I so desperately wanted to be true and I thought he was the same person I knew back then who would never have mistreated me and always looked out for me, he knew what I went through with stbxah even then. I trusted him. He started the sex talk and I made it clear that I was ready for anything other than friendship, that I was damaged and messed up and hadn't come to terms with everything that had happened, and he said he was grand with that and we continued talking and he was supportive of my situation, not that I told him everything but he kept up the sex talk and I didn't respect my own boundaries, I was excited that someone found me attractive and thought about me that way.
Intimacy with stbxah was always on his terms, when I tried he rejected me but when he wanted it he constantly tried and tried until I gave in, I felt pressured and when he was drinking I avoided him but a few times in recent years I wasn't able to and being intimate was humiliating and painful.
So when he kissed me it felt good to be attractive and to be with someone who wanted me. He even told me that he knew if we were to have sex he would want to do it again, I told him there was plenty of time for that and I just wanted to see how things went and to get to know him, he said that was what he wanted. But then he started freaking out saying about not wanting to get hurt or to hurt me then he said its best we just stay friends which I was grand about, I didn't want o lose his friendship. I asked him why he kissed me and he said that was how he felt (should have been a red flag given he knew where I was emotionally) But when he didn't talk to me as regularly as he had been and when he did it was only in response to my text I began to think I'd done something wrong, maybe I wasn't clear that I would like something with him so I told him I did, how I hoped he could feel for me the way he use to, even though deep down I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted someone to want me and again I kept thinking he won't hurt me, he said so. I wanted it to go back to the way it was, talking every day and didn't understand what had happened.
My insecurities kicked in and I kept trying to fix it I apologised for things I didn't even know if I had done or not but because I thought I had done something wrong and if I apologised everything would be ok!! I kept asking what had changed and he thought it was about us kissing then becoming friends and it wasn't and I kept telling him that. He wouldn't admit his attitude had changed so I kept belief ng it was something I had done so kept apologising and pushing and explaining why I was so insecure and what I needed from people in my life, I was literally spewing feelings and emotions!! until he did tell me he didn't want to be friends. It's my fault I lost the friendship due to my insecurities. I sent him a text a few weeks ago again apologising and that I didn't want to lose his friendship but I understand why. I've deleted his number as I honestly don't trust myself to not contact him. I behaved .desperate, obsessive and crazy!! I pushed him away and maybe I did this deliberately, he got close too soon and I opened up and took a risk, who knows!!
I've to learn from that and look at my insecurities and why I need others to validate me. But my behaviour and loss of friendship has added to my feelings of guilt, shame and not being good enough. Sorry I know I've said this all before.
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That's just details B - it ISN'T all that different except for the way you are rationalizing it in your mind.
When you talk of "way back" with this friend you're talking decades? (not sure I remember that right) Essentially when you met up again he was a stranger that you had fond memories of knowing previously..... in all those years he'd changed just as much as you had.
Sooooo.... it IS different because he's a man!? You have a different set of criteria for valuing yourself in this kind of relationship vs. the "kind" with your therapist, right? But he didn't deserve any more brain power figuring out "what went wrong" than the amount you put into thinking about your therapist..... you didn't struggle there because your worthiness isn't attached to that relationship, you don't draw personal definition from it. (But to put it into black & white thinking - they're both strangers, right?)
I don't think it's just "others" that you look to for validation, I think this is specific to your father/XAH influences in your life. I think you've discussed having abandonment issues in the past? In both situations you had a set of expectations going into it - you expected he would treat you well & was being honest & you expected she would provide you the kind of therapy you needed. But with him you invested yourself because your individual, personal value related to how he treated you. When it turned bad & you caught a whiff of that feeling of abandonment, you fought hard to do anything to stop that from happening. Failing that, you're left with this residual guilt & shame over something you had no control over.
And honestly, it sounds like he had an agenda from the very first moment you reconnected - and likely thought you were thinking along the same lines until you continued to enforce your boundaries. That's HIS failure, not yours.
When you talk of "way back" with this friend you're talking decades? (not sure I remember that right) Essentially when you met up again he was a stranger that you had fond memories of knowing previously..... in all those years he'd changed just as much as you had.
Intimacy with stbxah was always on his terms, when I tried he rejected me but when he wanted it he constantly tried and tried until I gave in, I felt pressured and when he was drinking I avoided him but a few times in recent years I wasn't able to and being intimate was humiliating and painful.
So when he kissed me it felt good to be attractive and to be with someone who wanted me.
So when he kissed me it felt good to be attractive and to be with someone who wanted me.
I don't think it's just "others" that you look to for validation, I think this is specific to your father/XAH influences in your life. I think you've discussed having abandonment issues in the past? In both situations you had a set of expectations going into it - you expected he would treat you well & was being honest & you expected she would provide you the kind of therapy you needed. But with him you invested yourself because your individual, personal value related to how he treated you. When it turned bad & you caught a whiff of that feeling of abandonment, you fought hard to do anything to stop that from happening. Failing that, you're left with this residual guilt & shame over something you had no control over.
And honestly, it sounds like he had an agenda from the very first moment you reconnected - and likely thought you were thinking along the same lines until you continued to enforce your boundaries. That's HIS failure, not yours.
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