Tansy

A close friend of mine's husband has cancer. He seemed to be doing OK and as we don't live close by her way of distracting herself was to email me several times a day and I emailed her about life etc. During the course of this ( well over a year) my life became very eventful and not particularly joyful so I stopped telling her about things. She begged me to carry on ( oh stupid me ) so I did. I didn't off load a lot of negative onto her and I made quite a lot of it humorous. Now her husband is dying. We ( her friends in the 3 way email loop) are all devastated but her reaction to me as been sad but understandable. She is now asked me to not send emails about my "trivial" worries ( the same ones she asked me to keep sending) as she says they are unhelpful. She is also angry with me my ex is still alive when her husband is dying and doesn't want to hear from me again.

I feel she is blaming me that my exah is still alive while her social drinking dh is dying ( and I get that. I'd be angry too but when did it become my fault? ) and moved the goalposts on the emailing after the event to make me feel bad. Which has worked cos I do. She made me feel like I was insensitive when I kept saying she did not want to hear about my life and she insisted she did. I am not emailing her anymore even tho I am very sad for her and worried how she is. It seems like the end of 10 year friendship.

meggem

While her reaction may be understandable I still don't think it's acceptable. I don't advise that you email her back, 1 because she doesn't seem to be in a reasonable state and 2 her husband is dying but perhaps in the future when she comes back saying Tansy I am so sorry for what I said please forgive me, maybe then you can throw something in on your own behalf.

I'm sorry your friend's husband is dying.

I'm also really sorry that you were treated the way you were by someone you called friend.

Just because people are hurt or angry doesn't give them the right to treat people like sh*t.

FeelingGreat

Tansy, seeing you guys go back a long way, how about a card telling her you're sorry if you've inadvertently offended her, you understand that this is a bad time so you won't contact her unless she wants you to, you love her and her husband and are praying for them both (if you're religious) in this difficult time? If there's anything at all you can do for them, just name it.

That way you can convey your concern for her, express regret without actually admitting you've done something wrong, and let her know she can approach you if she changes her mind.

LexieCat

Agree with FG. People swimming in grief don't always behave as they should. It sounds like she's been a good friend for a long time, and I think I'd try to let this go as a product of grief.

Hugs,

Tansy

Yeah it's not acceptable really. I offered to go and care for her kids even tho she lives 100's miles away and have been as supportive as I can given the distance. I think I will leave it for now. Maybe I'll send a card when they have come to terms with the situation. I already sent a message via a mutual friend saying I love them all and am praying for them. :/

firebolt

It's tough, Tansy - the anger part of grief can come out sideways to say the least. I hope you guys are back to normal after the dust clears - it sounds like a friendship worth saving if you both want it.

Tansy

It's not looking hopeful tbh. She asked me to email her again. Then totally ignored what I sent her.Then she asked how I was again so I sent her another telling her the latest news, nothing too heavy. She sent a snipy one sentence reply. It was clear from it she didn't REALLY want me to email despite asking me too twice so I am not anymore.

NYCDoglvr

I agree, a kind card telling her you're there for her. Grief and fear frequently distorts thinking so I'd cut her some slack.

dandylion

Tansy.....do you think it is p ossible that your friend might secretly tip the bottle a bit, herself?

dandylion

maia1234

Tansy,
If it was me, I wouldn't take anything she says personally. Her husband is dying and she is just trying to survive!! We all go though crisis's and we should never be held "accountable" when we are in that state. I am sure she misses you, but is so over whelmed she can't think straight.

I would also send her a card, thinking of you, praying for you....blah blah. If you ever want to talk, I am always here for you. Short and sweet. Door is open from her side.

Hugs Tansy, you are a good friend that cares!!

Tansy

Ooh never thought of that but maybe Dandylion. Nothing would surprise me tbh. I think me not contacting her is cutting her some slack cos it's clear the more I say the more upsetting I am too her. It's not helped that she sees my exah as somehow deserving of death whereas her dh isn't. It doesn't help me to say both of us are going to have fatherless children, children who never deserved any of it and at least her dh is there for her and her kids now. She has great memories of their time together. Mine never was there for us and we have no good memories. I can't say this so I keep quiet but I'd like too.

redatlanta

Its not a contest about who got sh*t on more. Tit for Tat doesn't work in relationships.

I think after the smoke clears you might be able to repair this. A dying spouse is devastating. While it may not be fair for her to think the way she is, anger is part of the grief stage. I'm sorry she has chosen you as her target. For whatever reason it sounds like she has some resentments toward you, and now is not the time to work them out. She may reach out to you at some point.

Tansy

I think she feels bad cos since ex ah and I split she been saying how she'd love some alone time. I told her she really wouldn't but she disagreed. I know it's not a contest in who got dumped on the most but she has turned it into one. I was pointing out how I see it. It's what I think( the good memories etc she has) . Not what I say. I know it's devastating for her. I love her and I wish I could do more but she does resent me.You are right about that. She resents my inner strength. She's been cossetted in her marriage. I never had that luxury. I have no idea what it feels like to be cared for. She has no idea what it feels like not to be. She resents that my exah is still alive. She's scared stiff and she knows , ultimately, out of all our coupled, lurved up friends am the only one who can help her through this time and beyond. Am the only one who knows what it's like to be alone...utterly alone.... with kids to care for. Am proof there is life after a very long marriage and she doesn't want to think about that at the moment. I only posted this here cos exah is a bone of contention to her.

unsureoffuture

Sometimes when people are grieving they search for someone to blame. Her life is spiraling out of control and this is something she CAN control. It sounds like she may be displacing that anger onto you. She cant blame her husband for getting cancer and tearing her world apart so she blames you for having a living husband and sending her trivial emails. Let her know you are there for her and give her space. Since your friendship goes way back, she will likely come around once she has moved past her anger.