Frustrated by the enabling
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
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Frustrated by the enabling
Hi to all- Been lurking for a while but just felt I needed to post for guidance and thoughts. My story -- ABF of 3 years, finally got into a good residential treatment program through my insurance. (DOC - Crack and Alcohol). He had been trying to get clean and find recovery all summer through Outpatient and AA/NA meetings but never seemed to find it. Would go 2-3 weeks then start again.
Finally in July he had an epic binge, failed out of his summer class and walked off his job after showing up drunk and high (resigned instead of getting fired.) He kept spiraling down. Finally he agreed to residential (probably because I told him it was that or jail for selling my TV). He went in, and after a week started doing some real great step work. Finally got a sponsor and met some great guys in the community. I was also working on me (I am a very talented codependant seeking therapy myself). We talked alot about our programs and looked forward to recovering together.
Unfortunately, after 2 1/2 weeks, insurance cut off and he had to leave within 2 days. After my HP gave me a sign (a golf ball hit my car while I was on the highway thinking about ABF coming home) I agreed with the counselor and told ABF he could not come home, he had to go to sober living. That was a Friday.
He agreed. He was able to bring his car and I decided that I would not give him cash (no job, no money), but would give him gift cards. But he did have his drivers license. He was to start intensive outpatient on the following Tuesday. Well, by Monday he had relapsed after getting checks from the bank. He was honest with me and had to leave sober living. He decided to go back to his parents place- 2 hours away (he was 1/2 way there when he called to tell me about the relapse). The relapse was so impulsive that he left all his stuff at the sober living house.
Now I am so frustrated. His parents and drug/alcohol addict brother are the biggest enablers on the planet. They knew about rehab (they were planning to visit that week). They knew ABF was really deep into active addiction. They watched him drink and get high at their house for at least 7 years before I met him. They just hid their money and kept there nose down.
When I knew he was going back to his parents, I called and begged them to send him back to our hometown the next day after he sobered up. I told them that he had a new sober community and that we needed ABF to rely on that community for help. His brother promised me to send ABF home to go to IOP and to find a new sober living situation.
Now, its been two days and I have heard nothing from ABF or his family and no one will take my calls or respond to my emails. I talked to the treatment facility and they though that insurance may let him back to residential. ABF was actually upset to leave residential. He wanted more time to work on things.
I called the family, still ignored. I feel like I put all this effort into this and I am so insulted by the lack of response. I know that ABF is embarrassed (turned the phone off since his sponser and many others were trying to make contact).
But what kind of parents would allow their son (who is 35 btw) sit around and get drunk and high knowing that they have nothing else and after they were just out of rehab. And he only left when he did due to insurance. (Rehab called his family to see if they would help pay, and they said no).
Frankly, I am not sure who the bigger addict is, ABF or his family.
I sent an email to his mom telling her that if she did not kick her son out and send him back to recovery, I was not longer going to be allowing him on my insurance.
Thanks for listening to my vent.
Owl (looking for wisdom).
Finally in July he had an epic binge, failed out of his summer class and walked off his job after showing up drunk and high (resigned instead of getting fired.) He kept spiraling down. Finally he agreed to residential (probably because I told him it was that or jail for selling my TV). He went in, and after a week started doing some real great step work. Finally got a sponsor and met some great guys in the community. I was also working on me (I am a very talented codependant seeking therapy myself). We talked alot about our programs and looked forward to recovering together.
Unfortunately, after 2 1/2 weeks, insurance cut off and he had to leave within 2 days. After my HP gave me a sign (a golf ball hit my car while I was on the highway thinking about ABF coming home) I agreed with the counselor and told ABF he could not come home, he had to go to sober living. That was a Friday.
He agreed. He was able to bring his car and I decided that I would not give him cash (no job, no money), but would give him gift cards. But he did have his drivers license. He was to start intensive outpatient on the following Tuesday. Well, by Monday he had relapsed after getting checks from the bank. He was honest with me and had to leave sober living. He decided to go back to his parents place- 2 hours away (he was 1/2 way there when he called to tell me about the relapse). The relapse was so impulsive that he left all his stuff at the sober living house.
Now I am so frustrated. His parents and drug/alcohol addict brother are the biggest enablers on the planet. They knew about rehab (they were planning to visit that week). They knew ABF was really deep into active addiction. They watched him drink and get high at their house for at least 7 years before I met him. They just hid their money and kept there nose down.
When I knew he was going back to his parents, I called and begged them to send him back to our hometown the next day after he sobered up. I told them that he had a new sober community and that we needed ABF to rely on that community for help. His brother promised me to send ABF home to go to IOP and to find a new sober living situation.
Now, its been two days and I have heard nothing from ABF or his family and no one will take my calls or respond to my emails. I talked to the treatment facility and they though that insurance may let him back to residential. ABF was actually upset to leave residential. He wanted more time to work on things.
I called the family, still ignored. I feel like I put all this effort into this and I am so insulted by the lack of response. I know that ABF is embarrassed (turned the phone off since his sponser and many others were trying to make contact).
But what kind of parents would allow their son (who is 35 btw) sit around and get drunk and high knowing that they have nothing else and after they were just out of rehab. And he only left when he did due to insurance. (Rehab called his family to see if they would help pay, and they said no).
Frankly, I am not sure who the bigger addict is, ABF or his family.
I sent an email to his mom telling her that if she did not kick her son out and send him back to recovery, I was not longer going to be allowing him on my insurance.
Thanks for listening to my vent.
Owl (looking for wisdom).
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
CodeJob
I am really struggling with that notion -- what to do for me. Its hard when I look around my house and see his stuff, it taunts me out of sleep. Its hard to put away my hopeful feelings after seeing ABF really start to embrace recovery. I wonder if it had been any different if he could have at least had 30 days in treatment like was planned. Now I am struggling with the knowledge that unless his family gets out of his way, ABF will probably never really
recover.
I feel like I am morning the loss of the living dead, and my heart is just in pain.
So for today, I am going to not make any attempts at contact. It will be hard as 3 days is about the longest we have gone without talking in over three years. But he clearly does not want to talk to me and neither does his family. (Really pissed that I sent his mother flowers on her birthday last month).
If I can get out of work in time I will try to attend a Nar Anon meeting. I am going to try to enjoy the long labor day weekend, but it will be hard not to think about my ABF not being here with me.
Owl
I am really struggling with that notion -- what to do for me. Its hard when I look around my house and see his stuff, it taunts me out of sleep. Its hard to put away my hopeful feelings after seeing ABF really start to embrace recovery. I wonder if it had been any different if he could have at least had 30 days in treatment like was planned. Now I am struggling with the knowledge that unless his family gets out of his way, ABF will probably never really
recover.
I feel like I am morning the loss of the living dead, and my heart is just in pain.
So for today, I am going to not make any attempts at contact. It will be hard as 3 days is about the longest we have gone without talking in over three years. But he clearly does not want to talk to me and neither does his family. (Really pissed that I sent his mother flowers on her birthday last month).
If I can get out of work in time I will try to attend a Nar Anon meeting. I am going to try to enjoy the long labor day weekend, but it will be hard not to think about my ABF not being here with me.
Owl
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Good morning Owl,
I'm going to meet up with my running buddy today and tomorrow. We are getting close to our first half in the fall running season. I use running as a big time suck to keep my codependent self focused on my training imprinting into my work week rather than over-focusing on my H's business.
Can you hula hoop? That is a good image for me on what I can control. My son is now in high school. Even he's not in my hula hoop any more. He has his own hoop. Your BF? He can rock his own recovery and advocate for himself if he really wants it. He has his own hoop too. And telling his mother what to do? Do you really want her in your hula hoop?
And my son? He can hula hoop really well! He even won a pool contest a few years ago.
Have a good weekend!
I'm going to meet up with my running buddy today and tomorrow. We are getting close to our first half in the fall running season. I use running as a big time suck to keep my codependent self focused on my training imprinting into my work week rather than over-focusing on my H's business.
Can you hula hoop? That is a good image for me on what I can control. My son is now in high school. Even he's not in my hula hoop any more. He has his own hoop. Your BF? He can rock his own recovery and advocate for himself if he really wants it. He has his own hoop too. And telling his mother what to do? Do you really want her in your hula hoop?
And my son? He can hula hoop really well! He even won a pool contest a few years ago.
Have a good weekend!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I found when people in my Ex ABF's circle avoided me - it was because there were things that they knew that no one wanted me to hear about.
relapse is near 99%. There aren't clear cut statistics but from all of the people that I had watched go into detox during our relationship - none of them stayed clean.
I filled my head with what if's. I focused upon what I would do if he didn't do this or that. It was truly insane tho I didn't see it at that time.
All the worst fears and planning could never stop a man intent on doing his DOC. I wasted so much energy, money and effort.
Please keep your eyes open and lay some boundaries. Have an escape plan or a plan to have him out and all of his things if that is what you are considering.
Best to you
Hugs, Joie
relapse is near 99%. There aren't clear cut statistics but from all of the people that I had watched go into detox during our relationship - none of them stayed clean.
I filled my head with what if's. I focused upon what I would do if he didn't do this or that. It was truly insane tho I didn't see it at that time.
All the worst fears and planning could never stop a man intent on doing his DOC. I wasted so much energy, money and effort.
Please keep your eyes open and lay some boundaries. Have an escape plan or a plan to have him out and all of his things if that is what you are considering.
Best to you
Hugs, Joie
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Thanks for the reply's and support. I have tried to hula hoop, but its not a pretty sight Lol. But I love the hula hoop analogy. I will try to remember that
CodeJob, is this your first half marathon. I was really into running for many years and was working up to a 1/2 marathon, then I broke my arm. Then I just spent my time riding the wave of ABF drama. Now that it is getting a little less hot in Florida, I want to start running again.
Joie12, ABF just left his parents to come back to my house, he tried to come back a few days ago, but I could tell he was still using so I said no. He was sober the last two nights so I said he could come back. I have told him that I will need to lay boundaries this time. We are going to talk when he is back. But the most important thing I am going to try and do is not get him back on track. I will not call a sober living facility for him and I will not call the treatment center for him. I am going to try and leave him to the sober community he has started to develop.
Wish me luck, its hard when you love someone to watch them suffer.
Owl
CodeJob, is this your first half marathon. I was really into running for many years and was working up to a 1/2 marathon, then I broke my arm. Then I just spent my time riding the wave of ABF drama. Now that it is getting a little less hot in Florida, I want to start running again.
Joie12, ABF just left his parents to come back to my house, he tried to come back a few days ago, but I could tell he was still using so I said no. He was sober the last two nights so I said he could come back. I have told him that I will need to lay boundaries this time. We are going to talk when he is back. But the most important thing I am going to try and do is not get him back on track. I will not call a sober living facility for him and I will not call the treatment center for him. I am going to try and leave him to the sober community he has started to develop.
Wish me luck, its hard when you love someone to watch them suffer.
Owl
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Owl ... no one knows about watching someone suffer as we do. What finally motivated me was how much people may have known that he was a prisoner of his own addiction but I was the one enabling him. How I would have hated someone like me getting in the way of his bottom. We think we are doing the right thing. That somehow they will get back to whom they used to be. Our thinking becomes ill.
I imagined he was my dad, son, brother or friend .... and I cried over what I had been helping with. The self hatred ate away at my little self worth. While he was manipulating each moment of every day, the heroin was manipulating him too. It's a sad and destructive situation. Walking away is the only option, for everyone involved.
I'm glad that you have the strength and pray that you do the things that make you proud. I didn't for almost 3 years. At the end, I finally let him know that I wasn't coming back. Spoken and unspoken. I never dreamt that when I dropped him off, I would never see his face again. The incredible man that he was changed when heroin entered his life. His own choice. I'm only sorry that it took me so long. Perhaps he would have bottomed out long before. Maybe maybe maybe ... I miss him every single day but I am so happy that he no longer suffers. It tore his heart out when he would realize what he did each day. But that man was never let out again. He lived in his memory somewhere. Heroin made him a narcissistic. That part was tough but part of the territory.
It's difficult to put into words, so please forgive the broken thoughts.
I have two voicemails from him. One when he was sick and upset that I dropped him at a convenience gas station, the other when he was high and happy. I listen to them less as time passes but I cannot bring myself to let them go. It has been 6 months, healing is slow. Give yourself time, accept the painful process - as it is better than guilt and regret.
Sometimes things are just broken and can't be fixed.
I have faith in you and feel that you will be okay. Make your days a reality but lessen your pain by letting go of the maybe's. They will hold you back.
Blessings to you and wishing you strength. Hugs, Joie
I imagined he was my dad, son, brother or friend .... and I cried over what I had been helping with. The self hatred ate away at my little self worth. While he was manipulating each moment of every day, the heroin was manipulating him too. It's a sad and destructive situation. Walking away is the only option, for everyone involved.
I'm glad that you have the strength and pray that you do the things that make you proud. I didn't for almost 3 years. At the end, I finally let him know that I wasn't coming back. Spoken and unspoken. I never dreamt that when I dropped him off, I would never see his face again. The incredible man that he was changed when heroin entered his life. His own choice. I'm only sorry that it took me so long. Perhaps he would have bottomed out long before. Maybe maybe maybe ... I miss him every single day but I am so happy that he no longer suffers. It tore his heart out when he would realize what he did each day. But that man was never let out again. He lived in his memory somewhere. Heroin made him a narcissistic. That part was tough but part of the territory.
It's difficult to put into words, so please forgive the broken thoughts.
I have two voicemails from him. One when he was sick and upset that I dropped him at a convenience gas station, the other when he was high and happy. I listen to them less as time passes but I cannot bring myself to let them go. It has been 6 months, healing is slow. Give yourself time, accept the painful process - as it is better than guilt and regret.
Sometimes things are just broken and can't be fixed.
I have faith in you and feel that you will be okay. Make your days a reality but lessen your pain by letting go of the maybe's. They will hold you back.
Blessings to you and wishing you strength. Hugs, Joie
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Joie
Thank you for those words. I will probably read your message often over the next few days and I figure out my next steps for me. I am just trying to find some peace today. I know that it is a process. I also know that I cannot make ABF find recovery.
Much love to all the persons who love an addict.
Owl
Thank you for those words. I will probably read your message often over the next few days and I figure out my next steps for me. I am just trying to find some peace today. I know that it is a process. I also know that I cannot make ABF find recovery.
Much love to all the persons who love an addict.
Owl
Nature Girl
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Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Owl, I really do hope you find peace in all this, and time to take care of you.
The "if only's" and "what if's" can keep you stuck, asking yourself why he relapsed and why his family doesn't see things your way is also futile, I'm sorry to say.
Right now is a good time to find your own meetings, wrap yourself in your own support and think about how long you want to live like this and where you'd like to be 5 years from now...with or without him.
I lost my son to addiction and I know the pain of having to let go, but I promise you that letting him find his own way, or not, is the only way you can focus on yourself. Others are not ours to control, that really hurt when it was my own son, but is true nevertheless.
Hugs to you, this must be a difficult time.
The "if only's" and "what if's" can keep you stuck, asking yourself why he relapsed and why his family doesn't see things your way is also futile, I'm sorry to say.
Right now is a good time to find your own meetings, wrap yourself in your own support and think about how long you want to live like this and where you'd like to be 5 years from now...with or without him.
I lost my son to addiction and I know the pain of having to let go, but I promise you that letting him find his own way, or not, is the only way you can focus on yourself. Others are not ours to control, that really hurt when it was my own son, but is true nevertheless.
Hugs to you, this must be a difficult time.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
The ladies that responded to this post are the strongest women I have ever encountered. Joie, you took the right path, and your pain is so clear. But what else could you have done. I dont know that I would have done anything different. I have not faced your pain, I just know it is coming.
My ABF left his parents and is trying again. I see his commitment. I just need to be strong enough to get out of his way. Can I, I do not know. He still loves me so much and I do him. But my guard is up.
I am scared. Can I really do those things I need too. I want to believe him, that he can stop. I want to believe that I can be happy.
I want him to read the posts from you awesome people who have love and who have pain and get it.
This disease sucks.
Owl
My ABF left his parents and is trying again. I see his commitment. I just need to be strong enough to get out of his way. Can I, I do not know. He still loves me so much and I do him. But my guard is up.
I am scared. Can I really do those things I need too. I want to believe him, that he can stop. I want to believe that I can be happy.
I want him to read the posts from you awesome people who have love and who have pain and get it.
This disease sucks.
Owl
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
at first I wanted everyone to know about this site, but later realized that as things progressed, I needed a place to go to that I could be open and share my thoughts and questions. This site offers that and it's a great feeling since most of us cannot talk about our addict and happenings with others face to face except for in a meeting. If things go badly, you may have someone who comes here to see what you are writing and more or less 'stalking' your moves.
Your sadness has stayed with me. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. We are here any time that you need to share or have questions. Feel free to private message me. Joie
Your sadness has stayed with me. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this. We are here any time that you need to share or have questions. Feel free to private message me. Joie
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