Now what?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
Posts: 19
Now what?
Now what do I do? I thought everything was okay. My husband was in Cincinnati with a great job and we were trying to sell our home to join him. He came home the other night and told me that he lost his job. I don't really know the real reason. We have no other source of income and a fairly large mortgage. He sweared that he had stopped drinking and was still taking his anti-depressant medication. This morning I found a bottle of vodka hidden in his clothes. What do I do? I feel like everything is spiraling out of control.
Danielle G.
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 13
Anniecake, I was downsized in Jan. and faced a similiar situation (I have an alcoholic husband and I was the primary bread winner...also with a large mortgage). First, take a deep breath and know God is in control (even when that doesn't seem possible). Then, have your husband apply for unemployment immediately - it may not be much, but it will be something. Next, reevaluate: assess your bills and see what you can cut out (ex. HBO, Showtime; look for less expensive phone long distance/ local service...); what you can defer (ex. student loan payments); and whether any companies will give you a payment reduction (ex. gas/electric companies are willing to spread payments out; possibly your mortgage company?). I don't know what your situation is, but what kind of family support do you have? What is the practicality of your husband getting another job fairly soon? What is the possibility of you getting a job? Can you get a line of equity on your house just in case?
One word of caution (only because I learned this the hard way), be sure to protect yourself and your credit - when I was unemployed, my husband got drunk multiple times and ending up gambling away virtually all of our savings (close to $30K), plus all of his 401K and all of our stock investments. I say this because I learned the hard way to protect myself and put everything in my name. Hang in there - you will survive this!
One word of caution (only because I learned this the hard way), be sure to protect yourself and your credit - when I was unemployed, my husband got drunk multiple times and ending up gambling away virtually all of our savings (close to $30K), plus all of his 401K and all of our stock investments. I say this because I learned the hard way to protect myself and put everything in my name. Hang in there - you will survive this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
Posts: 19
I gave my husband the phone number of a drug/alcohol treatment center and told him to call today. I told him this was not negotiable and obviously, he can choose to call or not to call but I won't stay if he doesn't. Was that okay to do? I never seem to know the correct thing to do. I know that inaction is not helping. I have two beautiful little boys who adore their dad and are so happy that he won't be working out of town anymore. They don't really understand or care why he's home they just want him here. I want to do what's right, for them and me. I'm worried that my husband is sinking so deep that he may hurt himself. I need a break from all the worrying.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
Posts: 19
He has applied for unemployment. I own a business so I can't get a job. My business if for sale because we were going to move. I like the idea of selling even though the move is off. My business doesn't bring in enough money to pay the mortgage. I, thank God, have a very loving mom and dad just blocks away. I'm so ashamed to bring to them the entire depths of the problems here. They know about his depression and that he lost his job. I don't think they really know about the drinking. His parents are elderly and also nearby. They, I don't think, understand what's going on with him at all. I control all of the bills and bank accounts. His name is on the bank accounts as well and he has one credit card. He doesn't gamble, frankly doesn't have the energy. He is too busy feeling like a loser and sorry for himself.
I have contacted a real estate company about becoming an agent. This I can do with my business, they won't interfere too much with each other. I won't actually be making any money from it for awhile, though. We now have no health insurance because they let him go on 8/31-how convenient. We have prescription needs and two boys with doctor's appointments in a month. I know I'm rambling but it feels better to spit out everything that is sitting on my chest.
I have contacted a real estate company about becoming an agent. This I can do with my business, they won't interfere too much with each other. I won't actually be making any money from it for awhile, though. We now have no health insurance because they let him go on 8/31-how convenient. We have prescription needs and two boys with doctor's appointments in a month. I know I'm rambling but it feels better to spit out everything that is sitting on my chest.
Danielle G.
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alexandria, VA
Posts: 13
Yes! You did the right thing! I also gave my husband an ultimatum re treatment, which is the only reason he went. Your husband should have insurance through COBRA (which is a bit pricey), but the insurance may have agreements with certain treatment centers that would make the treatment less expensive. You have to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your sons - even if it means leaving. Feel free to email me directly if you want to chat.
Last edited by Dkstinem00; 09-03-2004 at 07:09 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
It sounds like your really going through some turmoil right now. It also sounds like you are thinking it through and figuring out your options - good for you !
Just some thoughts. Have you considered refinancing the house for a longer term so the payments will be lower? You may be eligible to continue your health insurance with your husband's company (you'll have to pay the premiums). I'm not sure about the laws in Ohio but, in Texas, you can continue the health insurance for at least six months.
Do you have a support group for yourself like Alanon? It's really hard when our As turn our lives upside down but it's important for you to have support.
Keep us posted - we care about you.
L
Just some thoughts. Have you considered refinancing the house for a longer term so the payments will be lower? You may be eligible to continue your health insurance with your husband's company (you'll have to pay the premiums). I'm not sure about the laws in Ohio but, in Texas, you can continue the health insurance for at least six months.
Do you have a support group for yourself like Alanon? It's really hard when our As turn our lives upside down but it's important for you to have support.
Keep us posted - we care about you.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Anniecake,
Another thing you could do is call the finance company and see if they could defer one of your house payments for a month you may have to pay the intrest but it would be alot less expensive. If you have auto loans you can do the same also.
Seek out what your goals for life are as far as a career is concerned and find stratagies to achieve that. Living with an A I have learned the hard way that I need to have a back up finacial plan for emergancies and that is what I am now having to impliment. Danielle also had alot of good advice also. You are not alone I have had to call churches and charities to help with rent and electric in the past, and I am currently on Foodstamps untill I can get on my feet myself. Ohh and since there is no income you may want to apply for that also, I don't know if you have children or not but you may want to see if you quailfy for medicaid for your family so if you have any medical issues that could step in and take care of that for you. I know alot of people don't like to reachout to those resources but if your family is in need of them that is what they are there for and there is nothing wrong with asking for help untill you can get back on your feet. Good luck and lots of prayers to you and your family. Know this God never closes a door without leaving open a window.
God Bless You,
Rose
Another thing you could do is call the finance company and see if they could defer one of your house payments for a month you may have to pay the intrest but it would be alot less expensive. If you have auto loans you can do the same also.
Seek out what your goals for life are as far as a career is concerned and find stratagies to achieve that. Living with an A I have learned the hard way that I need to have a back up finacial plan for emergancies and that is what I am now having to impliment. Danielle also had alot of good advice also. You are not alone I have had to call churches and charities to help with rent and electric in the past, and I am currently on Foodstamps untill I can get on my feet myself. Ohh and since there is no income you may want to apply for that also, I don't know if you have children or not but you may want to see if you quailfy for medicaid for your family so if you have any medical issues that could step in and take care of that for you. I know alot of people don't like to reachout to those resources but if your family is in need of them that is what they are there for and there is nothing wrong with asking for help untill you can get back on your feet. Good luck and lots of prayers to you and your family. Know this God never closes a door without leaving open a window.
God Bless You,
Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the muck
Posts: 19
Well he called one of the hospital treatment programs today. Since we no longer have insurance and no income, we couldn't afford their program. He is now at a treatment program with a sliding scale. He was supposed to go and meet with someone between 1-4 today. How do I know if he really went? He also said that the hospital referred him to an AA meeting nearby tonight. He says he's going. I can't let him get away with blowing any of this off. If he doesn't get help now it's going to get so much worse. This is the lowest we've ever been. We've never had such a financial blow like this and his career may be permanently damaged.
Thank you for the advice about asking the mortgage company for a deferral of a payment. I didn't know that was a potential option. I don't think I can refinance because our income is so low now. Unfortunately, we used pretty much all of the money that he brought in. We have a home equity line, mortgage, car payment, student loan (which I will defer), credit cards, car insurance blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Thanks for listening. I have found an Al-Anon meeting near me on Sunday night. I think I am going to go even though I'm terrified. It's at my church and I'm so afraid there will be people who know me. I know that's shallow but that's how I feel. One fear at a time, I guess.
Thank you for the advice about asking the mortgage company for a deferral of a payment. I didn't know that was a potential option. I don't think I can refinance because our income is so low now. Unfortunately, we used pretty much all of the money that he brought in. We have a home equity line, mortgage, car payment, student loan (which I will defer), credit cards, car insurance blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Thanks for listening. I have found an Al-Anon meeting near me on Sunday night. I think I am going to go even though I'm terrified. It's at my church and I'm so afraid there will be people who know me. I know that's shallow but that's how I feel. One fear at a time, I guess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I can't let him get away with blowing any of this off.
There's nothing you can do to "not let him get away with it". You can't make him do anything or punish him enough to get him to do what you want. The only way he will get into a program and stay sober long term is if he really, really wants to. Only time will tell on that one.
If we had some magic power to make them get sober, this board would be a very lonely place - huh?
We are powerless over alcohol. He's in charge of this one.
L
There's nothing you can do to "not let him get away with it". You can't make him do anything or punish him enough to get him to do what you want. The only way he will get into a program and stay sober long term is if he really, really wants to. Only time will tell on that one.
If we had some magic power to make them get sober, this board would be a very lonely place - huh?
We are powerless over alcohol. He's in charge of this one.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
anniecake
Lorelia is right you cannot make him do anything he has to do it for himself and he has to want it. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your needs not wants but needs. It is okay to set boundries for yourself and let him know about them these boundries are not to punish him but it is what you can and cannot live with and if he crosses that line than he has to deal with the consequences that come along with his actions. Just like my A can't loose weight for me and control my compulsive overeating I cannot control his urges to use and I cannot cure he has that to do for himself. I have to focus on me and the needs of my children and fix me and trust God that the rest will fall into place. You sound like a very resourceful lady I know you have the ability to make it through this. As women (no offence men) we tend to have the ability to be very resourceful in ways alot of men do not seem to understand how we use this ability is what can take us further in life.
Lorelia is right you cannot make him do anything he has to do it for himself and he has to want it. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your needs not wants but needs. It is okay to set boundries for yourself and let him know about them these boundries are not to punish him but it is what you can and cannot live with and if he crosses that line than he has to deal with the consequences that come along with his actions. Just like my A can't loose weight for me and control my compulsive overeating I cannot control his urges to use and I cannot cure he has that to do for himself. I have to focus on me and the needs of my children and fix me and trust God that the rest will fall into place. You sound like a very resourceful lady I know you have the ability to make it through this. As women (no offence men) we tend to have the ability to be very resourceful in ways alot of men do not seem to understand how we use this ability is what can take us further in life.
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