searching peace

We are scheduled to go before the judge in 21 days for the divorce. My AH who slept with me last week, told me he loved me Friday, went into full NPD mode and stopped communicating with me on Saturday. So I did my usual apologizing for anything I may have done to upset him, make him angry or offend him. Blah blah blah. I have also been doing much more reading on NPD. So after reading and my AH having all of the things listed in his behaviors and actions, a light bulb went off. Because they say that is it very common for them to cheat. He has had ample opportunity to do that our entire marriage. I am livid. I stopped texting, calling. He called yesterday and yelled at me about something at work. For the last few months work is all he will discuss with me. So today he sent me a text and told me to put his mail out on the porch and he would find time to come pick it up and that he wants other things also. REALLY?!!! Because there are things I want as well! Like not being abandoned after moving to a different state to be with him. Not being left with three children, no job and alone! He keeps texting! Please any advice would be appreciated!

searching peace

Ok so now he is cursing at me and threatening to have a court order tomorrow if he doesn't get "things". He must be trying to impress someone. Because I know he has a dove hunt coming up and promised some people to use some of his guns. I guess he should have thought of that before he discarded me!!!

InfoSponge

Please forgive me as I am new here, but if he is throwing legal threats at you, how well versed have you become in legal matters regarding these threats? Is there any legal basis for the threats? I ask this because such threats have been made to me before, and terrified me at the time, but once I looked into the actual legal grounds of what was threatened there WERE no grounds. Like, you would have had to refuse him what he is asking for for a period of time before he could request a court order. I know it varies state to state, but it's worth looking into. I also know that fear is a potent weapon, and it's one that my AH has employed often.

jjj111

SP, is it an option to turn off your phone or block his number? It sounds like you are getting the divorce sorted out in court, which I'm guessing must include the division of your property? Maybe there is no need to listen to his cr*p? Didn't you have a restraining order against him at some point?

FeelingGreat

SP, unless you have a real reason for keeping them, let him have his guns. Don't feel you have to give him anything you actually need for looking after the kids, or for yourself. You don't want hunting guns in the house.
Please keep all texts for later evidence if you have to take out an order against him for harassment.
You are used to giving in to him when he freezes you out, or bullies you so keep contact to an actual minimum. He's a weak bully, thinks he will get his own way, so he's likely to make mistakes if you don't give in every time, escalate the abuse. Get ready for it, and see it for what it is.

jjj111

IDK, this is just my two cents, but I wouldn't be eager to hand him a gun in this state of mind. Doesn't he have a history of violence toward you?

emilynghiem

Dear SP if he is being volatile with you, may I suggest having a common friend you both respect to be present when either you get things from him or he gets things from you. Do you have a family counselor or friend who can walk you through some of the steps that require interacting directly.

This sounds very volatile, and I am concerned for both of you, that you do not get into abusive reactions and conflicts but have someone you both trust and respect to be present at all times to keep it safe.

For separating your material property, and working out who owes what, can you find a legal mediator who can help you document and communicate which things are important to resolve, etc.

It sounds like you could both use a little help to stay focused, so the emotions don't take charge and drive you both over the edge into the nearest ditch.

You have legitimate business to sort out, so I am thinking either a family counselor or legal mediator to keep you both on track.
The emotions are going to vent, that is just part of the process,
but it shouldn't be so chaotic it gets in the way of you and him resolving your property and financial issues. That is serious stuff to be settled that deserves serious legal attention, apart from your personal emotional grief that needs counseling also.

Can you work on these separately and not run them together
where you are dealing with both emotions and legalities at the same time. That sounds like too much pressure on you both, so I would separate these and maybe ask separate counselors for help.

Sounds like you both need more space and support to work both levels out, so be kind and give yourself that much.

searching peace

I did have a protection from abuse order. He filed for divorce and it was buried in that court instead and I called the attorney's office a few weeks ago and the person that answered the phone told me the PFA expires after a year. It was granted in May 2014.

searching peace

I called the domestic violence shelter and set up an appointment to speak to the counselor. She doesn't have an appointment until the 15, but I am happy to have anything. I also called the police dispatcher and asked if they could please patrol the neighborhood a little more than normal.
The dispatcher told me to call and file a harassment report tomorrow. She said it doesn't have to be filed but, there will be a record of it.

I will call my attorneys office tomorrow. I called today to request a meeting and he didn't have anything until the 15. Must be a popular day to become available. Anyway, I did request a psychological exam for AH and I said I suspected cheating. My AH definitely has narcissistic personality disorder. I know a lot of yall disagree with how I have handled this whole mess. And I probably would agree with you. But I honestly felt if I communicated with him and tried to work things out, he would not be violent towards me anymore. I haven't seen this behavior since the night of the arrest. And I am very rattled. I don't want to leave my home for fear he will break in. But, I don't know if I feel safe to be here right now either. I am sure he has been drinking tonight. I'm sure he has bragged to people about his off shore fishing gear and his gun collection. And he said he wanted to go fishing this weekend. But all through text. He won't be man enough or mature enough to deal with me. I haven't done anything except forgive him and try to have a marriage with him. I'm not bending over backwards so he can impress some other woman as he dumps me! I know I should be the bigger person. And if he had asked me nicely, I would have given him anything he wanted from here. But he has only demanded, yelled and cursed at me through text messages. So yes, right now I am bitter and tired of him ruining the lives of four people for his own selfishness. My kids and I matter. We are not garbage to be crumpled up and thrown away with no regard. So yes, right now, I'm not being kind and probably not letting God shine through me. But, for the first time in my life I am standing up for myself and for what is right.

I HATE all of this! If he had only called and been half way nice, I would have given him his stuff. Even though there is a court order that states he cannot remove things from the house.

Mags1

Hello searching peace, I haven't any words of wisdom for you, just wanted to send you hugs, we've got your back. xxxx

FeelingGreat

I didn't realise you had an order about this. If you have a court order to back you, then you can hold your ground.

Once again, don't let your anger make you breach the protective order yourself by communicating or aiding him to break it. It will significantly weaken your position. Remember that cheating (even if it has happened) isn't illegal and needs to be kept out of any dealings with police. It will make you sound like a vengeful wife instead of someone who is being intimidated by a bully.

redatlanta

Listen - give him his things. Throughout this process you have used the Court system and Orders to your advantage when it worked for you, and then disregarding the Court system and Orders when it worked for you. You violated the PO within days of getting it.

You have allowed him to come in and out of your home and intimacy this entire time even though you have had multiple red flags that there might be other women. Now, convinced that there are other women, you have decided that he can't have his things. Its manipulation. Honestly you aren't acting any different than he is. Be nice to me give me what I want=you get what you want.

You have stated this "if he has only called and been halfway nice I would let him have his things......then........there is a Court Order that says he can't remove from the house". SO the Court says he can't remove things, but when YOU decide he can its ok. What has telling him he can't have them done for you? This is not your community property it is his personal property. Figure out a way to give him his things and be done with it - actually why don't you drop ALL of it off at his attorney's office and tell him to stay the hell away from your home?

SP we all want the best for you, I know this has been very difficult for you. You have participated in this madness, and had you abided by what the Court ordered in the first place this wouldn't be happening. I am glad you are opening your eyes to what you are dealing with. Please be safe and so what's best for you and your kids, not punishing to him - though he doesn't deserve a damn thing from you.

Refiner

SP... the ONLY way you will "win" when dealing with someone with NPD is to go NO CONTACT.

LexieCat

As far as I know, protective orders in Alabama--permanent ones, anyway--don't expire. I'd suggest calling the family court directly to find out the current status of the order.

IF the order is still in effect, it is not legal for him to possess a firearm.

Call the shelter and get some advice from an advocate on how to stay safe. If the original order is in effect he can be charged with a violation. If he is harassing you then you might be eligible for a new order. Let your lawyer handle the property issues.

You have orders and laws to protect you, but they are only as good as your willingness to enforce them. If you want to "stand up for yourself" let the law do its job.

searching peace

Thank you Lexi. I have a call in to the Attorney this morning. My order was ex parte' and never had a hearing because his attorney told him to file for divorce to have it buried in the other court (from my understanding). I will research and make calls today to find out. Thank you as always for you sage advice. I'm sure you have felt you were talking to a brick wall with me or hitting your head against a wall. But I have listened and unfortunately had to go through this journey in my time to come to the realization that you were correct all along.

Redatlanta, I agree with what you have said. I never mean to be manipulative but somehow it seems yall show me that I am. And I do see that when you point it out. I am not allowed to go to or send anything to his attorney's office. I do not have the money to pay my attorney to send him his things. And the truck, fishing poles and guns are considered marital property because they were used in the marriage by both of us and the truck I use more than he does. As far as breaking the PFA from the beginning, yes an attorney that I paid $500 to told me to contact Richard and try to work things out after I took the PFA to the attorney to let him read it and advise me. So that is how that began and yes I had been abused the entire relationship and once I contacted him his manipulations and mind games began again. I am not vengeful about his cheating. I just do not want anyone touching me that has been with someone else. I do not want an STD. I do not think it is moral or ethical to do that and my AH knows where I stand on monogamy within a marriage for myself. If that is what he chooses to do, have at it. Just don't have me at the same time. And yes, I have been stupid and naive and foolish. I thought of our marriage as real and I did what any normal, rational person would do to try to save a marriage she thought she had. But, as I have learned someone with NPD is only a shell of a person. There was nothing real about our relationship or marriage. And he had groomed me out entire lives to be his supply. I look back on conversations we had at 10, and again in high school and college. I actually am appreciative for him being in my life because it led me to discover my own issues and why I have married to men with NPD and was raised by a narcissistic mother. If I had not been so loyal, committed and in "love" with my husband, I would not have gone to the lengths I went to doing research and finally realizing what was looking at me through his eyes. I knew it was more than abuse, and more than alcoholism. And now I know the truth.

My point in saying "if he had only asked nicely... Was to make the point he never asked. I had no idea he wanted any of that until he started yelling and cursing and demanding and threatening me through texts. I am not holding anything of his hostage. I want this done and I never want to see, hear from or speak to him again. It will only be more damaging hurt and I have had enough to last 10 lifetimes. But, I am going to begin to stand up for myself which I have never done in my entire life. And it is going to start now. So if it is as little as me putting up my boundaries with what is considered marital property, then I will do that for my sake. I do not care about the stuff. But I do not want him coming to the house. And yes I have allowed him in. But he has reverted back, very suddenly to his abusiveness. I thought he was going to kill me the night he was arrested and he never laid a hand on me. And last night he had the same demeanor. He has an attitude that he is above the law and everything and anyone and if he views me as in the way of him getting what he wants, he would rather me be dead than to deal with me. I believe that without any doubt. I didn't know about NPD before and thought he was just abusive, and or alcoholic that became abusive. But that he loved me deep down and that if I could get him to look me in the eye and calm down and remember he had known me all of his life, he would calm down. He had let me believe that I had that effect on his rages. I know better now and know that he has no empathy and no regard for anyone's life. I have no control over him or anyone else besides myself. I do not know the man I am married to. This is the psychopath that invaded his body when he was a child and being abused. But no amount of love, empathy, or understanding is going to heal him or bring him back. The boy I loved is gone forever. And I feel sorry for the women he cons, and I feel pity for him. No resentful was and no vengeance.

redatlanta

I think you have definitely opened your eyes. Good for you. Stick to it and be rid of him. He is bad news.

Hangnbyathread

OK I have been through most all of this you describe. I'll try and make this short.

1. Give him stuff. If there is nothing titled or registered (vehicles, vessels, house, guns etc.) its all jointly owned stuff with no real way to prove ownership. Take pictures of what all he takes and keep logs of what he takes and when. That will matter down the road if the judge ever sees the divorce at final trial. Even if it never goes to final, the attorneys can use it to form a settlement. If he wants something titled, you say that will need to be done by court order. Within reason. I mean he needs a vehicle to go to work with. If you withhold it from his use that can go badly for you. But if he wants the boat to be removed, unless he is a boat captain, you request that the courts decide. Until then, they are by law supposed to be maintained in the marital estate.

2. Don't "qualify" how he gets them. "Be nice to me" etc......doesn't work at this point. You want as little conflict as possible. Your day will come later.

3. Get all guns out of your home unless you own them. If they are his, let him take them, as quickly as possible. In my case, mine didn't want to remove the guns, so I discreetly took them to a gunsmith and had the firing pins removed. Money well spent. She got on a drunken tear one night and went searching for them.

4. Ford God's sake stop sleeping with him. Talk about feeding into the mixed message bag.

5. Don't waste a lot of energy worrying about his legal threats. I'm going to get a court order blah blah blah. Until he does, its just hot air. Plus these cost money.

6. Your dealing with an addict. By that fact, they are unreliable, unpredictable, unstable, unwilling to listen, and morally askew. You want to be just the opposite of this. You do not want to enter into any exchanges with the above characteristics. To do so you will end up no better than them.

7. I went to the dispatcher of my local PD and asked to speak to a senior officer or detective. Preferably a veteran one. I'd actually ask for a senior patrol sergeant. They will ask why. Its a personal matter. Introduce yourself, candidly without emotion. Tell them candidly, no laws are being broken. As such, you don't wish to file a complaint, or cause any unnecessary trouble, however you have some concerns for your personal safety. Tell them briefly and matter of factually that you are divorcing an alcoholic, its beginning to escalate at home and you need some advice. Generally the long time cops have seen what addictions can do to families, many times over in their career. They can help you steer clear of what they know from experience can happen to you.

Trust me if they don't have to make out anything official, they can be a wealth of help to you. They can recommend helpful resources to aide you....and it can be done quietly and discreetly.

8. Don't be concerned that he is seeing others. He was before you knew, he will after you know, and he will after the divorce. But that doesn't mean you have to like it in your life. Get this over with quickly, and with as much personal safety as you can manage. Forget who or what he is does when this is over. You need to hope he falls head over heels for someone soon. It will make your divorce and its pending asset split go much more smoothly.

Please remember this. An addict will say they need you want you have to have you etc......all the while searching for the next replacement to you. Then when they think they have found them....you get dumped like a diseased hoe.

NYCDoglvr

The more contact you have with him the higher your anxiety will be. Alanon was a huge for me, especially in detaching, setting boundaries and, finally, leaving for good.

searching peace

Thank you all for all of your feedback. I am trying to keep busy, keep communication to a minimum. I went and spoke to a psychologist today that has known about everything since the very beginning of our marriage. AH was a patient of his, but he has helped me cope with the bizarre behavior of AH through the years. He had really great advice and it helped put things in perspective for me. I am going to a therapist this week to try and work on my codependency and issues from my FOO. I love my husband unconditionally. I always will. But I do not like how he has and is treating me. I'm trying to find a voice to say no to him. I haven't found it yet, but I'm working towards it. My situation is a little different because there is mental disorder with AH. So I'm trying to navigate that now along with the abuse and alcoholism. Plus work on my recovery and take care of my children. I think im ready to stop researching his behaviors and trying to figure out why and begin to research mine and become healthy for myself and my children. I have cried every day for over a year and a half. I am ready to not be sad and not have someone make me feel worthless.

Thank you all again for your help and feedback!

firebolt

This, hun. This EXACTLY. This will get you further than all the reading in the world about his issues. It'll take you through a life changing journey of self realization that leads to peace.

I left a stack of about 10 books on alcoholism, quitting drinking, moderating, blah blah at XABFs house when I moved out. I didn't do it to be passive aggressive, I didn't to it to show him why I left, I did it because I no longer wanted them, and maybe he would one day. Don't care what he did with them.

Books on codependency, love addiction, and letting go - those are within arms reach of me most of the time Life. Changing. You do you, sister - it will make all the difference.