Nyinabo

So I've been teaching myself about codependency. It explains a lot about my relationships with just about everyone. Now my question is how to break the cycle and not bring my children up to be codependent. Are there certain behaviours that are typical in parent-child relationships that lead to codependency?
(My husband is an alcoholic who hasn't drunk for 2 weeks, so my 3 and 1 year olds have definitely seen plenty of codependent behaviour.)

FireSprite

I put a lot of faith in the Brene Brown Parenting Manifesto. It isn't written from a perspective of recovery, but I find that all the things it discusses do recovery-like things..... like holding ME accountable for my words & actions first & foremost. The habits & traits that it helps encourage defy codependency, IMO:



The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (Brene Brown)

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

Kboys

Thanks for posting this... I've been thinking about this a lot myself lately.
My kids are 2 and 3.
I don't have an answer, but am interested to hear what others have to say

Nyinabo

This is lovely, thank you so much!! Will re-read once bedtime is done.

FireSprite

I'm glad you like it. I have it posted in our kitchen so that I keep it top-of-mind. Her website has great .pdfs of it that you can print off if you would like (it's listed under "Posters"). DD has a copy hanging in her bedroom.

Downloads - Brené Brown

She has a great saying that I always come back to, "Are you, right now, the adult you want your child to be when they grow up?" (I've heard it put this way too - "be the adult you needed when you were a kid".)

I do want to say, for the record, for all reading, that I know this is challenging at best & impossible at worst when your family is still in the throes of active addiction. (That lack of control thing again.)

Being an ACOA myself I can tell you that the most appreciated thing is honesty & transparency in an age-appropriate way. Don't tell your children things are great when they can hear/see/feel you struggling. That's a lie & they know it no matter how "white" of a lie you think it is. Your kids are super young yet but they are hard-wired to respond to your emotional grid in the absence of being able to use a lot of verbal expression- they know you better than you know yourself, lol. If there's an elephant in the room, call it an elephant - don't play semantics with labels & definitions.

The thing we parents sometimes lose sight of is that the Fear of a thing is almost always worse than the Thing Itself.... so take away the fear anytime you can. Talk to your kids, talk them through their fears & then actively listen to what they share with you. Teach them that feelings are OK, even bad ones! You aren't a bad person for having bad feelings & you can't erase them by stuffing them down inside either.

Give them tools to use in life, essentially, & keep adding to that toolbox as they grow when you find things that resonate for them. Teach them to fish, emotionally, so that they never starve!

Kboys

Love it! Thanks Firesprite

Ap052183

I will write from my own experience having a codependent mother and a codependent grandmother.
First having boundaries and having your own life are very important. I watched the two most important women in my life live completely dependent lives on chaotic addicts. I think developing a sense of self away from the addict is very important.
Teaching children to be self sufficient and confident in their beliefs and opinions is very important as well.

Kboys

Firesprite and Ap052183 have gotten me thinking about my mother....

she is an angel, and I hope to follow in her parenting footsteps in many ways,
But... I don't really feel like I know her, really. A lot of what I know about her life growing up, I learned from my aunts, and other people. I never knew that my grandmother was an alcoholic, until I was an adult. My aunt told me, like it was common knowledge... didn't know that.
I can count the times I've seen her cry... I've NEVER seen her yell, or get angry, only mumble words of frustration under her breath, she's never really shared her fears, hardships, or joy with me. .... As an adult, although I do talk to her or see her at least once per week, I really don't share any of myself with her... I don't go to her for comfort.
My children (2 and 3) are 15 months apart, and parenting them has been challenging to say the least. My brother and I are 15 months apart as well, so I did at one point put myself out there to her... tell her how much I was struggling.. I thought maybe she could relate. But instead, she told me that when my brother and I were babies, it was the best time of her life. We were great kids. She offered to come clean my house (which was really nice, and I'm not complaining... but some E,S &H would have been great)

She's just easy-going mom, who's always there if you need her, never says "no" to her children (even though you can tell she wants to sometimes... which makes it uncomfortable) never gets sick, never has a bad day, or if/when she does... you wouldn't know it.

Since I've been a mother, I have thought about this a lot, and how I am so similar to her in many ways. It's quite difficult for me to be vulnerable, direct, talk about my emotions, or ask for what I need. Though I'm working on it, and I know I need to for my children.

DoubleDragons

Thank you so much for this post. I am purposely commenting on it mow, so that I am reminded to come back to it with hopefully some thought and insight of my own and to read more responses when I have more time. Thank you, again!

piove

After years of "working" on myself and my issues I have discovered a very simple truth:
children learn to tolerate their distress by observing how their parents accept, honor and tolerate their own distress. Without pretending that everything is ok or turning everything into a catastrophe.
When my children were sad I tried to keep up a brave face, but inside I was falling apart because I never learned to accept my own fears and sadness. Yet I could not fool them. When my daughter was depressed I started to overprotect her , I believed that she was somehow damaged good. She learned that she was not good enough to take care of herself, and to expect that mom and dad would take care of her. I crippled her for years.
Things are better because I am learning to tolerate my own discomfort, I don't have the urge to take on my loved ones' distress, I trust that they are capable of doing it.. I allow them the respect of being the agents of their own lives.
It is ok to express my own disappointment or anger or fear or sadness , it does not destroy anybody, as long as I don't raise my voice, I speak in "I" ,and don't expect others to comply to make me feel "better". I am learning to say no (very difficult) and to say yes when I really mean it , since a reluctant yes is the source of later resentment. I am letting go of the illusion that I can control others.
It feels very strange and peaceful, and I like it

Nyinabo

Wow, this could be about my own mum! Particularly the bit where I opened up about struggling with 2 young kids and her saying it was the best time of her life and how easy we were. Thanks, mum!

I notice that codependency in parents/grandparents comes across as permissive parenting so I watch myself v carefully with laying out and enforcing boundaries for my kids' behaviour. I see that my kids also see the codependency in both their grandma's homes too so it really is everywhere they look. That's part of what worries me so much.
Does anyone have experience of stepping back a bit on contact with grandparents who are like this in order to strengthen good boundaries at home?

DoubleDragons

I am very codependent. My parents are likely personality disordered (according to a very good therapist whom I saw in my twenties) and my mom is an alcoholic, although the worst of this has manifested since my adulthood. What I believe my parents did to foster my codependency was to imply/instill, etc. that their emotional/social needs could be/should be met by me. That is a very "heady" feeling for a child. In some ways it made me feel very powerful, so I liked it, but it was also a huge burden to put on to a child. I was so focused on their needs that I never really had a chance to learn and understand much about my own. How they did this was to unload too many of their adult issues on to me, discussing their marital problems, telling me to talk to my baby sister about abortion/birth control, etc., and unloading their issues with extended family members. They used a lot of guilt and manipulation in order that I would blow off my friends, my life, my hobbies/work, to spend time with them, but somehow make it look like it was my choice and that they were fulfilling me. HA! Another thing that they did was to create a lot of emotional upheaval, but then expecting their children to "put on the happy face" and fake that everything was perfect at the drop of a hat. Image was the most important thing to them. It was to be protected at all costs. We were to have my parents on a pedestal. It was a very confusing way to grow up.

I have four children and have used my growing up as a template for what not to do. I do not dump any of my personal issues on to them. At the same time, I don't sugar coat things. For example, I have been very frank about my mother's alcoholism with them. I don't want them to be confused about their own perceptions of life. My husband and I have created a calm, serene household where they are told that they are loved on a daily basis. We show them that they are important to us, by attending their games/shows, etc. yet we go on our own date nights regularly. We encourage them to have their own lives/friends outside of our family and steer clear of guilt trips. I hate anything that smells of shaming. I want them to be comfortable in their own skin, so I don't compare them to each other or their friends. I have taught them that it is okay to say "no" and to set boundaries. My husband and I have standards that they are expected to keep, such as good grades, best foot forward in hobbies/sports and responsibilities such as chores around the house and outside jobs, but that is always mixed with fun and down time. We aren't perfect parents but we are very proud of the family that we have created considering both of our dysfunctional upbringings.