The beginning of the fall?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
The beginning of the fall?
It's been a while since I've posted, life has been stable for awhile now. Found out about a month ago that I'm pregnant with our 3rd. My husband has been clean from heroin since Mar 2014, with the help of suboxone. He has drank a few times, 2 beers at the most, up until about 2 months ago, when he came home with a 6 pack. It sat in the fridge for probably 2 weeks, when he brought home 2 6 packs. Those didn't go much faster, I think 1 of the 12 is still in the fridge. Earlier this week he brought home another 6 pack. Last night after a very vivid pregnancy nightmare, where we finally had the talk about the drinking I'd been wanting and of course it went all terrible. So I woke up and moved to the couch cause I felt terrible overall and when he got up this morning, I told him that I was concerned about the drinking, he hadn't really communicated with me what his intentions or thoughts were. So I got that whole "I don't even like alcohol, 99% of time I don't finish the one beer I open, I never had a problem with alcohol, AA just isn't for me, I tried to find a sponsor and couldn't," etc etc, the same thing we all hear. Did not make me feel any better, just made me accept that I have to figure out what boundaries to put into place. If he wants to believe he is better than every other addict out there that switched addictions, fine. I know better than that. The difficulty I'm having with the boundaries I think is partly from me being healthier while dealing with this again- I have no desire, time or energy to try to keep track of how much he's drinking. I'm in the first trimester and exhausted so I go to bed and he sits up and nurses his 1 beer and watches t.v. I'm not going to know when he's drinking the entire beer, or when it becomes 2. I assume I'll figure it out if he's drinking 3 a night, but as long as he's not getting drunk the house isn't going to fall to pieces. I feel like my boundary has to be "When this household isn't a healthy one, he will have to leave." But that feels so vague. I want a concrete "well if he uses heroin he's gone" or "If he drinks 6 beers a night" but I know he's going to be able to drink a little for awhile and keep functioning. (I do know that it will turn into an addiction very rapidly because of the nature of the disease). I'm not comfortable with him drinking at all. I also don't feel like it's grounds to remove him from our home again. I feel like I have to just wait while he does start losing control, and hope he catches himself before he loses his wife and now 3 kids again-He went through a rehab program, he knows the tools to be sober. Before we were married, I figured I would have to deal with a functional alcoholic. And like any other naive young girl with no background or experience with addicts, I thought that would be okay. I also told him if he every tried heroin we were over. I took that back, so there is no reason I have to stand by my idea that it would be okay to be with an alcoholic, functional or not. I know right now he is frustrated by my lack of attention to the house, I'm sick all the time and tired and supper is no longer ever made, but this has to be a compromise. Life is going to change with 3 kids-he's going to have to accept that i'm not a &*@#$*(& maid and cook, I am his wife and the mother of 2.3 kids and I have a full time job I attempt to do from home while doing the best job I can with those kids and it's hard enough to keep everyone fed all day I can't handle supper on the table when he walks in the door from work! We have to be partners, not he goes off to work for 8 hours every day and gets to come home, eat his food, clear his plate and the kids', bitch at me for not rinsing the dishes cause god forbid he clear my plate with everyone else's...Oh wait, I'm usually trying to eat once the kids are no longer at the table!
Pregnancy is hard.
Being married to an addict is so much harder.
Pregnancy is hard.
Being married to an addict is so much harder.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh sweetie...you sound super overwhelmed. You know what, I would day if dinner is not made for him, he will find a way to eat. If things are not cleaned the way he wants, maybe he should clean them himself.
Just b/c you don't have some set in stone ultimatiums does not mean you cannot have boundaries for yourself. I would say to sit down with him and communicate how you feel, and set some of those boundaries. For example, I will do X and X, you will do X. I did this once with my X. I stopped doing his laundry LOL. I did not scream and holler about it, or anything else. I still did mine and my kids. I just wanted him to appreciate the effort that goes into it. That did change some things. So even though I did that for my own benefit, it did prove a point somewhat.
I also set a boundary near the end of my marriage that the second my X would start nagging or being negative, I would not listen to it. I very calmly told him I was not interested in fighting, and would leave the room. He did get the hint eventually. While that did not really change his behavior that much, it did bring me some peace in my own life.
I hope you take good care of you. The first trimester is hard, you are so so super tired all the time. It's ok to rest. You deserve that, as does your baby.
Many hugs to you!
Just b/c you don't have some set in stone ultimatiums does not mean you cannot have boundaries for yourself. I would say to sit down with him and communicate how you feel, and set some of those boundaries. For example, I will do X and X, you will do X. I did this once with my X. I stopped doing his laundry LOL. I did not scream and holler about it, or anything else. I still did mine and my kids. I just wanted him to appreciate the effort that goes into it. That did change some things. So even though I did that for my own benefit, it did prove a point somewhat.
I also set a boundary near the end of my marriage that the second my X would start nagging or being negative, I would not listen to it. I very calmly told him I was not interested in fighting, and would leave the room. He did get the hint eventually. While that did not really change his behavior that much, it did bring me some peace in my own life.
I hope you take good care of you. The first trimester is hard, you are so so super tired all the time. It's ok to rest. You deserve that, as does your baby.
Many hugs to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Well he will cook and he will clean...but the attitude he has about it is very obvious. He did say he thinks I'm over dramatizing how badly I feel. Its mainly a problem when I try to sit down and get work done, he thinks I need to get the cleaning and laundry done first. Some days, I work on the cleaning and the laundry. Those days I neglect my work. So other days, I need to catch up on work, and I do, and he doesn't like it. I go off and cry and "isolate myself" for a bit and then I go back to my desk and ignore him.
I was looking through posts on the secular page, and I think I've got a better idea how to deal with him wanting to drink. I'd like him to talk to his counselor about it, decide with her what is an appropriate amount for him to drink. He wants to push his limits, fine, I'd rather he do it in an open way. I will ask that he also discuss with her some of the recovery programs that are not spiritually based so that he has some sort of plan in place for when he pushes his limits too far. I know I can't force him to, but I'd like him to just realize there are some other options out there besides AA.
I realized after typing my first post that I think I have a lot of fear right now. The pill addiction turned to heroin right around when I got pregnant with our last child. He has never handled my pregnancies well, and now we have another unexpected one. I also want his counselor to talk to him about why sitting with our son in front of the t.v. for a minimum of half an hour every morning and anywhere from 1-3 hours every night is not okay. I think we'll maybe just have a couples counseling session.
I was looking through posts on the secular page, and I think I've got a better idea how to deal with him wanting to drink. I'd like him to talk to his counselor about it, decide with her what is an appropriate amount for him to drink. He wants to push his limits, fine, I'd rather he do it in an open way. I will ask that he also discuss with her some of the recovery programs that are not spiritually based so that he has some sort of plan in place for when he pushes his limits too far. I know I can't force him to, but I'd like him to just realize there are some other options out there besides AA.
I realized after typing my first post that I think I have a lot of fear right now. The pill addiction turned to heroin right around when I got pregnant with our last child. He has never handled my pregnancies well, and now we have another unexpected one. I also want his counselor to talk to him about why sitting with our son in front of the t.v. for a minimum of half an hour every morning and anywhere from 1-3 hours every night is not okay. I think we'll maybe just have a couples counseling session.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
You said "he never handled" your pregnancies very well. In what way? Are you in any danger?
I wanted to say that no amount of alcohol is acceptable for an addict. It's still a drug and he should be abstaining completely from any drug. He is fooling himself and you. He is not being honest with himself.
I wanted to say that no amount of alcohol is acceptable for an addict. It's still a drug and he should be abstaining completely from any drug. He is fooling himself and you. He is not being honest with himself.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
Wanted to give this a conclusion, I suppose. No, I am not in any danger. I would flatten him if he ever thought about hurting us. I am not someone who will allow herself to be abused. When he got sober last year, I found out that a lot of the most stupid decisions regarding drugs he's made were made while I was I was pregnant. The stress of a pregnancy certainly affects men differently. I am sure that in the past I have been unintentionally dismissive of him and how he's coping-because, really, when I'm puking all day and taking care of kids, he gets to go to work!! What's he got to stress about! So I know enough to pay more attention to him...once I get to the 2nd trimester and have the energy to do so lol.
I know the risks that come with the addiction. I don't agree with but I do understand him wanting to push those limits. What good will it do for me to say "no. You can't do this." I can't control his actions. So I did what I could. I said "honey, I'm terrified by this. This is how I can be more comfortable going forward if you choose to push those boundries." We discussed parameters and having plans in place for when those parameters aren't enough. And I think he's had 1 beer in the week it's been since that discussion. So, TODAY, the problem has not escalated. If our relationship/household reaches a non healthy place, he will be removed from the household. Just like when I found out about the heroin addiction a year and a half ago. I hope that doesn't happen...but I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't change it. So I'm trying to change my response to the problem, because last time around, the begging and pleading didn't get us anywhere. I will also be discussing this in the group I attend weekly, once everyone else's crises have receded and I have a chance to talk. So...for today...well, I've been puking since I woke up and I caught the kids cold, so today really sucked and I don't really care about his problems lol. Que Sera .
I know the risks that come with the addiction. I don't agree with but I do understand him wanting to push those limits. What good will it do for me to say "no. You can't do this." I can't control his actions. So I did what I could. I said "honey, I'm terrified by this. This is how I can be more comfortable going forward if you choose to push those boundries." We discussed parameters and having plans in place for when those parameters aren't enough. And I think he's had 1 beer in the week it's been since that discussion. So, TODAY, the problem has not escalated. If our relationship/household reaches a non healthy place, he will be removed from the household. Just like when I found out about the heroin addiction a year and a half ago. I hope that doesn't happen...but I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't change it. So I'm trying to change my response to the problem, because last time around, the begging and pleading didn't get us anywhere. I will also be discussing this in the group I attend weekly, once everyone else's crises have receded and I have a chance to talk. So...for today...well, I've been puking since I woke up and I caught the kids cold, so today really sucked and I don't really care about his problems lol. Que Sera .
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
I was a fool 2 years ago. I am not now. I think I was clear in all my posts that I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. WHICH IS WHY I POSTED AT ALL! Looking for help on setting appropriate boundaries from people who have already walked this path. But there is no formula! 1 person picks up a beer and 3 days later they are drunk as a skunk and in full addiction swing. Other people have different timelines.
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Join Date: May 2010
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You are so right. Every addict has a disposition to be addicted to something, and that is quite scary for those of us who are not addicts. I think it's really important not to future trip all the time about what could happen next. I think you are spot on in your thinking and in talking to him, letting him know what's out there, and letting him decide for himself how to proceed with that.
Have you thought of asking him to do a parenting class with you? My X and I did one years ago. We did it b/c his work was part of the sponsorship for it, but it turned out to be a very positive experience for us. I think we both learned a lot. I cannot make him implement what he learned, but at that time our children were smaller, and I have to say, he did help out a lot more, and he did learn a lot about what children need. He took better care of our kids during that time. It's just a thought.
I hope you take good care of yourself, and that you feel better soon. I am not prego, but last week I caught a cold and it was awful. I feel for you having a cold while in the first trimester.
Keep posting, you are not alone!!!!
Have you thought of asking him to do a parenting class with you? My X and I did one years ago. We did it b/c his work was part of the sponsorship for it, but it turned out to be a very positive experience for us. I think we both learned a lot. I cannot make him implement what he learned, but at that time our children were smaller, and I have to say, he did help out a lot more, and he did learn a lot about what children need. He took better care of our kids during that time. It's just a thought.
I hope you take good care of yourself, and that you feel better soon. I am not prego, but last week I caught a cold and it was awful. I feel for you having a cold while in the first trimester.
Keep posting, you are not alone!!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
"When this household isn't a healthy one, he will have to leave."
I would add......when this household isn't a healthy one for ME and my CHILDREN.
I've found that setting a boundary is the easy part and actually following through with it is the hard part.
Maybe instead of focusing on very specific boundaries, 2 beers 4 beers, etc. focus on a plan for yourself and your children if the boundary gets crossed. I think we all believe they will just leave but that's usually never the case.
Our plan must include getting ourselves and kids out of the unhealthy home when they refuse to leave. Legal separations with specifics spelled out such as support, custody and visitation. These are the things we should begin to think about when our A’s begin the downward spiral.
I would add......when this household isn't a healthy one for ME and my CHILDREN.
I've found that setting a boundary is the easy part and actually following through with it is the hard part.
Maybe instead of focusing on very specific boundaries, 2 beers 4 beers, etc. focus on a plan for yourself and your children if the boundary gets crossed. I think we all believe they will just leave but that's usually never the case.
Our plan must include getting ourselves and kids out of the unhealthy home when they refuse to leave. Legal separations with specifics spelled out such as support, custody and visitation. These are the things we should begin to think about when our A’s begin the downward spiral.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
The parenting class-EXCELLENT IDEA. I am going to look for one!
I had a pretty easy time kicking him out last time, and he didn't fight me. I have family that is close that I could call for help if he did try to fight leaving. I spoke with a lawyer when he was in treatment about divorce and all of that. I am a strong woman, and I will protect our children with my life. If I say go, he will go. I will not take my children's home from them, I will not lose my home, because of my husband's disease. That is what I have control of. If he is active in any addiction, he will not be seeing the kids. I will not expect or ask for money from him. If he provides it, good for him. I don't need money from him to keep the kids fed or pay the bills, I can do that on my own.
When this household isn't a healthy one, to me, very obviously means for me and the children. The house isn't going to be sick.
I like boundaries, and I stick to them. I am a rule follower, and I expect other people to be held to the rules. I think the motorcycles in town finally quit speeding because I called the cops over and over and told them I would call every single time I heard them, so I think the cops finally told their buddies to knock it off or they would have to pull them over because I was not going to shut up about it. Where I struggle is just figuring out what the appropriate boundary is. I would love to have the boundary set so that I can enforce it.
I fear the disease of addiction, I fear what the future may bring. But I believe in myself. I have full confidence in ME. That is what I can control, and no one can take it away from me.
I had a pretty easy time kicking him out last time, and he didn't fight me. I have family that is close that I could call for help if he did try to fight leaving. I spoke with a lawyer when he was in treatment about divorce and all of that. I am a strong woman, and I will protect our children with my life. If I say go, he will go. I will not take my children's home from them, I will not lose my home, because of my husband's disease. That is what I have control of. If he is active in any addiction, he will not be seeing the kids. I will not expect or ask for money from him. If he provides it, good for him. I don't need money from him to keep the kids fed or pay the bills, I can do that on my own.
When this household isn't a healthy one, to me, very obviously means for me and the children. The house isn't going to be sick.
I like boundaries, and I stick to them. I am a rule follower, and I expect other people to be held to the rules. I think the motorcycles in town finally quit speeding because I called the cops over and over and told them I would call every single time I heard them, so I think the cops finally told their buddies to knock it off or they would have to pull them over because I was not going to shut up about it. Where I struggle is just figuring out what the appropriate boundary is. I would love to have the boundary set so that I can enforce it.
I fear the disease of addiction, I fear what the future may bring. But I believe in myself. I have full confidence in ME. That is what I can control, and no one can take it away from me.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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My boundaries were/are - I will not live with an addict who is not clean and sober AND working some kind of recovery program!
I will not make excuses for other people's behavior.
I will only share my life with someone who has MY best interest in mind always and I will have theirs!
I will not make excuses for other people's behavior.
I will only share my life with someone who has MY best interest in mind always and I will have theirs!
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