Usfdv

I'm so sick and tired of well intending family and friends saying things such as ; you need to give "daughter" something stable or you should just do this or that or tell AH this or that and on and on. First of all, he's the abusive one yet even well intending people don't hear the blame in their statements . Why not tell him he needs to provide a stable home? I've been the stable everything. Why not tell him what he needs to do and say? He's the one with something wrong with him?

searching peace

Amen!

amy55

I can, really associate with that, but perhaps not. See, no one really said that to me because I was so good at lying and not talking about the abuse.

I remember my ex with start with a therapist, and he would then want me to go in for MC. Well as soon as therapist would start talking to me, he or she would no longer believe my ex. What sticks out the most for me was when I began to see them for individual therapy. He said, you did the best that you could with the tools that you had, now we are going to works on new tools for you.

This is your time to start the healing process.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

emilynghiem

I can sympathize.
What I get a lot of, is I am trying to fix problems in my neighborhood caused by other people and left behind by govt. It has caused a lot of stress on the community and neighbors. But instead of addressing the people who caused these problems, the stress gets blamed on whoever is the easiest available target. So in trying to fix things, if something goes wrong, then I get jumped on "disproportionately" because the people who put us in this situation are not around.

It is tiring to get blamed for the stress of fixing problems other people caused.

I don't even think they mean to do this.

I don't know if it's a form of displaced aggression or projection, but I know what you mean, I go through that, too. There is nothing that can make it better, but forgiving it prevents from feeling dumped on.

Can't stand it, but had to forgive it or I'd stay stuck in resentment.
People won't always address the real culprit so they just harp on whatever or whoever is convenient and overcompensate that way.

Cra Z nesssss!!!!

Tansy

I only managed to give my boys a stable home by leaving. Maybe that is what they mean? AH is not going to change. Mine never. I had to leave.

Usfdv

I left. Still hear comments that put the blame in the wrong place. Comments that aren't meant that way I know so my point is, this needs to change in society as a whole , I know it's not personal

dandylion

Usfdv.....that is why it is best to talk only to people who have "been there"...as much as humanly possible. Otherwise, they just don't understand.
It is tough, I know.

dandylion

hopeful4

Ugh. I know just what you mean. I believe it's because other codie people in life cannot understand why we cannot just make it all perfect. Whatever. Until they have lived and walked in my shoes, I don't even want to hear it.

I have come to a place that I have realized some people have deep denial and ignorance, and that is on them, not me. Not worth my time, or yours!

healthyagain

It is irrelevant whether or not they think, in my opinion. The truth is, people do not know any better. And one day, maybe some of those people get caught in the same net, unfortunately, of lies and manipulation.

When I told one of the ladies about my situation, she asked me if I could spill husband's alcohol. Supposedly, she does not have any A's in her family. I only smiled. But in my mind, I remembered when my stbxah threw all my food away from the fridge after I poured his whiskey down the sink. I did not tell her that. But I did tell her that you are not supposed to try to control alcoholism. Will she ever understand why I filed for divorce? Probably not. And I do hope she stays in the "normie darkness" forever and never experience what we did.

Knowledge that we have, no matter how hurtful at the moment, can save us from further pain. If truly aware, we are less likely to make the same mistake and get involved with an alcoholic partner again.

theuncertainty

I completely understand, Usfdv. I also have a hard time with well-meaning friends who say "Well, maybe he'll behave better with her." "Her" being the current GF. And it's almost always mentioned in connection with AXH's (non) visitation of DS or (non) payment of child support. It's really hard to help the friend understand it's not her, it wasn't me. It wasn't and isn't the _relationship_ that's abusive. It's him.

At the beginning, yes, he'll be nice and attentive to Her. "She" may even get him to start paying child support again, because he wants to look like he's a good dad. But, eventually, the romance period ends and he'll start treating Her the same way he's treated Me, and every other girl he's dated. Because he's abusive and he's not going to make long-term changes to how he treats his intimate partners without recognition and acknowledgement that his behavior is HIS fault. Not Mine. Not Hers.

Some days I'm able to quite easily let it roll off my back. And then there are days, when I find it incredibly hard to not let it hurt, or to not unload on the well-meaning-but-ultimately-clueless friend. FWIW, I know these friends don't mean to make it sound like it was my fault that AXH treated me the way he did, and I don't think they understand that that's how their statement comes across to this particular survivor of DV. It'd be nice to be able to get support from friends, but not every friend is able to understand the dynamics at play with an abusive partner or ex.