Detachment and moving on
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
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Detachment and moving on
I've been broken up with my ABF for 3 weeks now. After catching him trying to use synthetic urine on an at-home drug test, I kicked him out of the house. He has since been in a psych ward and relocated to Arizona to stay with his mother. His mother has been out of his life for 6 years, but he was at the end of his rope-or as he phrased it "had burned all other bridges" and contacted her.
I emailed him on Friday and asked him not to reach out to me for two weeks. I need to take some time to regroup and gather my thoughts. But, his mother reached out to me yesterday to tell me how much her son "loves me" and is "trying really hard." She sent me several large paragraphs over the weekend saying she "applauds me" for how I handled the situation, and that she knows that he needs to "earn back my trust." She then proceeded to follow me on Instagram...
Please note that I have stood by this man for 3 serious relapses (how many slips? Not sure.) He's been to rehab 3 times in the last year, and has been admitted to a psych ward twice in the last year. In totality he has been to seven rehabs and 4 or so psych wards. Needless to say, it's been a very difficult and challenging relationship.
Let me say that, I know this is a disease. I know he is sick. On top of the addiction, he suffers from PTSD, bipolar disorder, paranoia, etc.
I love him. But, I am at the end of my rope. I do not want this to be my life. I can't deal with the anxiety, nerves, uneasiness. Questioning his sobriety when I come home from work...looking for small pupils, or tics, sweating or clammy hands...Over exhaustion...the uneasy feeling in my gut when he says he will go to a meeting and doesn't.
With all of this being said. I feel 80% ready to move on, and 20% inclined to "stay and help him." I talked to my sponsor (I'm in al-anon) and he said to me: "I think you've tried that before, but HEY YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN. As long as YOU are willing to pay the price."
AKA, don't be an idiot.
I'm just looking for support, a similar story? Anything. Despite my meetings and friends in program, I'm really struggling with not feeling compelled to try and help see him through this again.
Thank you.
I emailed him on Friday and asked him not to reach out to me for two weeks. I need to take some time to regroup and gather my thoughts. But, his mother reached out to me yesterday to tell me how much her son "loves me" and is "trying really hard." She sent me several large paragraphs over the weekend saying she "applauds me" for how I handled the situation, and that she knows that he needs to "earn back my trust." She then proceeded to follow me on Instagram...
Please note that I have stood by this man for 3 serious relapses (how many slips? Not sure.) He's been to rehab 3 times in the last year, and has been admitted to a psych ward twice in the last year. In totality he has been to seven rehabs and 4 or so psych wards. Needless to say, it's been a very difficult and challenging relationship.
Let me say that, I know this is a disease. I know he is sick. On top of the addiction, he suffers from PTSD, bipolar disorder, paranoia, etc.
I love him. But, I am at the end of my rope. I do not want this to be my life. I can't deal with the anxiety, nerves, uneasiness. Questioning his sobriety when I come home from work...looking for small pupils, or tics, sweating or clammy hands...Over exhaustion...the uneasy feeling in my gut when he says he will go to a meeting and doesn't.
With all of this being said. I feel 80% ready to move on, and 20% inclined to "stay and help him." I talked to my sponsor (I'm in al-anon) and he said to me: "I think you've tried that before, but HEY YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN. As long as YOU are willing to pay the price."
AKA, don't be an idiot.
I'm just looking for support, a similar story? Anything. Despite my meetings and friends in program, I'm really struggling with not feeling compelled to try and help see him through this again.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Everyone here who has loved or currently loves an addict understands that pull. If you sway now though, your stats are likely to reverse like your sponsor stated. If you are truly serious about your own recovery, because you are recovering too, personally I feel you should also cut off his mom at this point. Seems to me her efforts to enable him by playing on your emotions is a trigger for you. She is responsible for seeking her own help and made her choice to take him on so she must deal with it. You don't need the tugs on the heartstrings. The only way I know to alleviate that is to tell her "sorry, but I'm moving past this myself", maybe offer her advice on where she can get support for herself but then not participate in reading what she sends you. Fill your time with other supportive people and other things you enjoy. Distraction really helped me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by waitingforhope 
Everyone here who has loved or currently loves an addict understands that pull. If you sway now though, your stats are likely to reverse like your sponsor stated. If you are truly serious about your own recovery, because you are recovering too, personally I feel you should also cut off his mom at this point. Seems to me her efforts to enable him by playing on your emotions is a trigger for you. She is responsible for seeking her own help and made her choice to take him on so she must deal with it. You don't need the tugs on the heartstrings. The only way I know to alleviate that is to tell her "sorry, but I'm moving past this myself", maybe offer her advice on where she can get support for herself but then not participate in reading what she sends you. Fill your time with other supportive people and other things you enjoy. Distraction really helped me.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. Welcome to the Board.
This caught my attention:
Let me ask you a serious question. Given these diagnoses, and given the fact that he's an addict, what evidence is there that he is capable of being a committed, responsible partner?
This caught my attention:
Let me say that, I know this is a disease. I know he is sick. On top of the addiction, he suffers from PTSD, bipolar disorder, paranoia, etc.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by zoso77
I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. Welcome to the Board.
This caught my attention:
Let me ask you a serious question. Given these diagnoses, and given the fact that he's an addict, what evidence is there that he is capable of being a committed, responsible partner?
This caught my attention:
Let me ask you a serious question. Given these diagnoses, and given the fact that he's an addict, what evidence is there that he is capable of being a committed, responsible partner?
I do know addicts/alcoholics who are in recovery and have had healthy relationships...obviously this is after years of long-term sobriety and rigorous program working.
At this point...he is not capable of it. I also know that if he does not work a program, he very well may never be.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by hopepraylove
Hi there. Thank you for commenting, and it's nice to meet you (informally of course!)
I do know addicts/alcoholics who are in recovery and have had healthy relationships...obviously this is after years of long-term sobriety and rigorous program working.
At this point...he is not capable of it. I also know that if he does not work a program, he very well may never be.
I do know addicts/alcoholics who are in recovery and have had healthy relationships...obviously this is after years of long-term sobriety and rigorous program working.
At this point...he is not capable of it. I also know that if he does not work a program, he very well may never be.
It is also true that your ABF suffers from a serious mood disorder, and that is convolved with PTSD and paranoia. What you're left with is the psychiatric issues and the addiction issues are taking turns feeding one another. You've seen the result.
And frankly, it sucks. He didn't ask for Bipolar Disorder. Nor did he ask to be traumatized. It's not fair at all. But you've had three years of this, Hope. And the chances that somehow, someway he's going to pull this together and right the ship are small.
It doesn't matter how much you love him or want to be there for him. He is incapable of absorbing it, for a myriad of reasons. So while I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, what I will tell you is you have to take your heart out of the equation when it comes to making the best decisions for yourself. And those decisions may mean doing something you don't want to do.
Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by zoso77
Yes, it is true that addicts are capable of recovery.
It is also true that your ABF suffers from a serious mood disorder, and that is convolved with PTSD and paranoia. What you're left with is the psychiatric issues and the addiction issues are taking turns feeding one another. You've seen the result.
And frankly, it sucks. He didn't ask for Bipolar Disorder. Nor did he ask to be traumatized. It's not fair at all. But you've had three years of this, Hope. And the chances that somehow, someway he's going to pull this together and right the ship are small.
It doesn't matter how much you love him or want to be there for him. He is incapable of absorbing it, for a myriad of reasons. So while I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, what I will tell you is you have to take your heart out of the equation when it comes to making the best decisions for yourself. And those decisions may mean doing something you don't want to do.
Keep us posted.
It is also true that your ABF suffers from a serious mood disorder, and that is convolved with PTSD and paranoia. What you're left with is the psychiatric issues and the addiction issues are taking turns feeding one another. You've seen the result.
And frankly, it sucks. He didn't ask for Bipolar Disorder. Nor did he ask to be traumatized. It's not fair at all. But you've had three years of this, Hope. And the chances that somehow, someway he's going to pull this together and right the ship are small.
It doesn't matter how much you love him or want to be there for him. He is incapable of absorbing it, for a myriad of reasons. So while I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, what I will tell you is you have to take your heart out of the equation when it comes to making the best decisions for yourself. And those decisions may mean doing something you don't want to do.
Keep us posted.
It is a terrible deck of cards he has been dealt, and without sounding entirely selfish...it is a hand I do not want to hold. It has been a very painful year and a half. I can understand the addiction and mental health suffering, but the lying and manipulation is something that I likely would have a life-long issue with.
I'm leading my al-anon meeting today. I'm feeling very anxious about it all, but I've been in my program 6 months. All I can do really is keep going to my meetings and keep writing on these forums to get the support I so desperately need.
Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by hopepraylove
It is a terrible deck of cards he has been dealt, and without sounding entirely selfish...it is a hand I do not want to hold. It has been a very painful year and a half. I can understand the addiction and mental health suffering, but the lying and manipulation is something that I likely would have a life-long issue with.
Hugs.
Glad you took my reply in the other thread seriously. I hope you take this just as seriously...
It is NOT selfish to want to have healthy, fulfilling, reciprocal relationships. It is NOT selfish to choose not to endure abuse (intended or otherwise). It is NOT selfish to do what is right for yourself so that you may be sane, healthy, reasonably well adjusted, and able to seek your own personal happiness and contentment in life.
It is also not selfLESS to wish to take care of the other party if you are in a codependent relationship. Your sense of fulfillment is based on their reciprocation. From what I an gather, that reciprocation won't happen. It wasn't going to happen from me to my ex. Codependency, at least in my dunce-mind, pretty much eliminates altruism. If your self-worth is tied to him, and he can't return that love, where does that leave you?
You're making the right choice for you. Healthy choices aren't selfish. Keeping your sanity isn't selfish.
I hope you're treading lightly with his mom...sounds like she's trouble.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Sounds like Mom wants to dump him back in your lap ASAP
Don't bite--he has a long road ahead and needs to focus on his own recovery,
not a relationship.
You've done everything and more to try and help him--his turn to help himself.
Move on guilt-free
Don't bite--he has a long road ahead and needs to focus on his own recovery,
not a relationship.
You've done everything and more to try and help him--his turn to help himself.
Move on guilt-free
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by Austin4Wyo
Yer killin' me, Smalls!
Glad you took my reply in the other thread seriously. I hope you take this just as seriously...
It is NOT selfish to want to have healthy, fulfilling, reciprocal relationships. It is NOT selfish to choose not to endure abuse (intended or otherwise). It is NOT selfish to do what is right for yourself so that you may be sane, healthy, reasonably well adjusted, and able to seek your own personal happiness and contentment in life.
It is also not selfLESS to wish to take care of the other party if you are in a codependent relationship. Your sense of fulfillment is based on their reciprocation. From what I an gather, that reciprocation won't happen. It wasn't going to happen from me to my ex. Codependency, at least in my dunce-mind, pretty much eliminates altruism. If your self-worth is tied to him, and he can't return that love, where does that leave you?
You're making the right choice for you. Healthy choices aren't selfish. Keeping your sanity isn't selfish.
I hope you're treading lightly with his mom...sounds like she's trouble.
Glad you took my reply in the other thread seriously. I hope you take this just as seriously...
It is NOT selfish to want to have healthy, fulfilling, reciprocal relationships. It is NOT selfish to choose not to endure abuse (intended or otherwise). It is NOT selfish to do what is right for yourself so that you may be sane, healthy, reasonably well adjusted, and able to seek your own personal happiness and contentment in life.
It is also not selfLESS to wish to take care of the other party if you are in a codependent relationship. Your sense of fulfillment is based on their reciprocation. From what I an gather, that reciprocation won't happen. It wasn't going to happen from me to my ex. Codependency, at least in my dunce-mind, pretty much eliminates altruism. If your self-worth is tied to him, and he can't return that love, where does that leave you?
You're making the right choice for you. Healthy choices aren't selfish. Keeping your sanity isn't selfish.
I hope you're treading lightly with his mom...sounds like she's trouble.
"You're killing me smalls!"
To answer you...it leaves me feel unappreciated, void, empty, and quite frankly...like a victim (YES I REALIZE I PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION TO FEEL THAT WAY.) I'm going to alanon and CODA weekly.
I haven't spoken to his mom since early this week. She hasn't reached out since I responded to her last text with a "friendly suggestion that she attend an alanon meeting..."
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by hopepraylove
LOL, you sound like my sponsor.
"You're killing me smalls!"
To answer you...it leaves me feel unappreciated, void, empty, and quite frankly...like a victim (YES I REALIZE I PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION TO FEEL THAT WAY.) I'm going to alanon and CODA weekly.
I haven't spoken to his mom since early this week. She hasn't reached out since I responded to her last text with a "friendly suggestion that she attend an alanon meeting..."
Sounds like you're on the road to success, even if it doesn't feel good right now. Keep at it.
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