What your choices reflect
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
What your choices reflect
In the course of a conversation this weekend w/XAH, who is currently living in the upper unit of my house, he got upset about something and became very defensive--"I didn't beat you or mistreat you, I held a job, I did things around here. YOU are the one who jumped into the divorce w/o giving me a chance. I've MORE than made up for anything I did and all the $$ I spent out of our savings by letting you have the house. You don't appreciate all that I've done for you. I didn't hit MY bottom, I hit YOURS, b/c you're the only one that has a problem w/things."
Now before anyone says "why are you listening to this, he is an X, why does he live there, etc.", let me head you off at the pass by saying that it is an arrangement that mostly works out OK. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, just wanting to share this experience in case it's useful for anyone else.
OK, w/that said--I proceeded to spend the next 2 days wondering if there was any truth to what he said. After all, he has done a lot of work around here over the years. And he never spent THAT much on his addictions in any month (at least I think not, he's never said for sure), it's just a lot over time. And if I'd stayed married (or at least separated, not divorced) to him, I'd still be on his health insurance and I wouldn't have had to worry about changing jobs. On and on. All the justification, the "it wasn't that bad", the "it was OK a lot of the time" stuff.
Then I came across a quote from Nelson Mandela -- "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." It seems my choices do reflect and always have reflected my fears to a great extent. I'm working to change this thru SR, Alanon and other learning and activities. I want to make my choices reflect who I want to be, even if I'm not there yet. And there IS a change, at least I believe there is.
And what have HIS choices reflected? The desire to drink. Above all else. A sampling over the years:
1) I suggested we move our short daily yoga practice to the afternoons after he got off of work. Nope, "just doesn't fit in, need to get upstairs and work on the model plane." But really b/c he needed to get upstairs and drink.
2) On weekend afternoons, we'd sometimes take a nap together. He would always set an alarm so he wouldn't sleep too long "b/c he would get lethargic, and needed to get upstairs to work on the plane." Really b/c he needed to have sufficient drinking time.
3) An infinite number of occasions where I'd suggest an afternoon activity--going to a park, going swimming, going to the art museum, working on some kind of fun project together--and it would be vetoed. "Nope, I really need some 'me' time, gotta go upstairs and work on the plane, the contest is in a month and I won't be ready." But again, really b/c he needed to be able to go upstairs and drink.
Oh, I forgot to mention--another of his complaints about me is that I never made him a priority...
So in a long-winded way, what I'm trying to say is that after 2 days of major self-doubt, tying myself in a knot, wondering if it really was good enough and I'd been a fool, I saw that quote and thought "NO. It was NOT good enough." My choices often reflected a need to control, and yes, reflected fear. That is gradually changing. HIS choices reflected a need to drink. Increasingly, that is ALL they reflect. And if that has changed, I haven't seen it yet.
I printed out the quote and have it posted at several different places in my house. Think I may write out a card for my wallet, too. Some things you just can't get too much of!!
Hugs and thanks, my SR pals--I'm grateful for all who've walked the path w/me, and I wish you strength and clarity each and every day.
Now before anyone says "why are you listening to this, he is an X, why does he live there, etc.", let me head you off at the pass by saying that it is an arrangement that mostly works out OK. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, just wanting to share this experience in case it's useful for anyone else.
OK, w/that said--I proceeded to spend the next 2 days wondering if there was any truth to what he said. After all, he has done a lot of work around here over the years. And he never spent THAT much on his addictions in any month (at least I think not, he's never said for sure), it's just a lot over time. And if I'd stayed married (or at least separated, not divorced) to him, I'd still be on his health insurance and I wouldn't have had to worry about changing jobs. On and on. All the justification, the "it wasn't that bad", the "it was OK a lot of the time" stuff.
Then I came across a quote from Nelson Mandela -- "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." It seems my choices do reflect and always have reflected my fears to a great extent. I'm working to change this thru SR, Alanon and other learning and activities. I want to make my choices reflect who I want to be, even if I'm not there yet. And there IS a change, at least I believe there is.
And what have HIS choices reflected? The desire to drink. Above all else. A sampling over the years:
1) I suggested we move our short daily yoga practice to the afternoons after he got off of work. Nope, "just doesn't fit in, need to get upstairs and work on the model plane." But really b/c he needed to get upstairs and drink.
2) On weekend afternoons, we'd sometimes take a nap together. He would always set an alarm so he wouldn't sleep too long "b/c he would get lethargic, and needed to get upstairs to work on the plane." Really b/c he needed to have sufficient drinking time.
3) An infinite number of occasions where I'd suggest an afternoon activity--going to a park, going swimming, going to the art museum, working on some kind of fun project together--and it would be vetoed. "Nope, I really need some 'me' time, gotta go upstairs and work on the plane, the contest is in a month and I won't be ready." But again, really b/c he needed to be able to go upstairs and drink.
Oh, I forgot to mention--another of his complaints about me is that I never made him a priority...
So in a long-winded way, what I'm trying to say is that after 2 days of major self-doubt, tying myself in a knot, wondering if it really was good enough and I'd been a fool, I saw that quote and thought "NO. It was NOT good enough." My choices often reflected a need to control, and yes, reflected fear. That is gradually changing. HIS choices reflected a need to drink. Increasingly, that is ALL they reflect. And if that has changed, I haven't seen it yet.
I printed out the quote and have it posted at several different places in my house. Think I may write out a card for my wallet, too. Some things you just can't get too much of!!
Hugs and thanks, my SR pals--I'm grateful for all who've walked the path w/me, and I wish you strength and clarity each and every day.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Love it! Way to pause, sort the info & think before reacting!
DD came home from school yesterday excited to share this video & discuss how we keep this thought at the forefront of our lives:
The Meaning of Life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y6YVLXprII
(It was actually part of her homework to discuss with a parent & write a summary of how the video impacts that parent's view of the choices that they make daily.)
I shared one of my Big Questions - the one I ask myself when I hear/see hesitation on my part even when I KNOW it's something I WANT to participate in: "If not now, then when?", I ask myself. "When will it be the "right" time?"
More often than not, the answer is "Right Now, because... why NOT???!!?"
DD came home from school yesterday excited to share this video & discuss how we keep this thought at the forefront of our lives:
The Meaning of Life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y6YVLXprII
(It was actually part of her homework to discuss with a parent & write a summary of how the video impacts that parent's view of the choices that they make daily.)
I shared one of my Big Questions - the one I ask myself when I hear/see hesitation on my part even when I KNOW it's something I WANT to participate in: "If not now, then when?", I ask myself. "When will it be the "right" time?"
More often than not, the answer is "Right Now, because... why NOT???!!?"
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Honeypig-I can't like this post enough!!!! Seriously, lady! I relate to so much in your post (working on my issues, owning my stuff) and really feel your soul searching coming through. As for your stbx? Bleh-still an alcoholi trying to hang the responsibility on you and playing the victim. Oh well-your life goes on!
Peace to you
Peace to you
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Then I came across a quote from Nelson Mandela -- "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears."
Hugs and thanks, my SR pals--I'm grateful for all who've walked the path w/me, and I wish you strength and clarity each and every day.
Hugs and thanks, my SR pals--I'm grateful for all who've walked the path w/me, and I wish you strength and clarity each and every day.
COD
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
- "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears."
I saw an interview with a star-let who's doing okay and not in rehab. When asked how she had the courage to enter into acting she said she didn't have a backup plan. She said she knows that sounds bad, but she just decided she'd have to make it work.
I saw an interview with a star-let who's doing okay and not in rehab. When asked how she had the courage to enter into acting she said she didn't have a backup plan. She said she knows that sounds bad, but she just decided she'd have to make it work.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by honeypig
quote from Nelson Mandela -- "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears."
Thanks you so much for this! I came back to the forum today looking for this quote! I have been feeling many of the same things lately... “it wasn’t that bad”, “he is trying” he bought dog food today with HIS money!
So I really needed to see this again today!
Peace to you!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm so glad that so many people have found this helpful. I wish I could tell you all that I've got it all handled now, 2-1/2 years later, and I'm acting courageously, consistently working from my hopes rather than barricading myself from my fears, but that wouldn't be the truth.
Instead, what I'd like to do is to share another quote w/you, one that for me is equally as important as the original one:
When I first went to Alanon and learned about detachment, I thought it was some kind of magic shield that would keep me from ever feeling pain again, as well as getting other people to do what I wanted them to do when they saw how safe I was behind my shield of detachment.
I'm guessing that most of you realize how deluded this was of me...
What I've had to learn, and am still working with, is that I don't need to feel I've completely purged myself of fear before daring to have hope. The two exist side by side, and I will likely NEVER be 100% in one place or the other; I will ALWAYS have a certain amount of fear even when I feel most hopeful. I will ALWAYS have a little bit of hope, even when I'm most fearful. And I think that's the way it's supposed to be--the little bit of fear to keep my feet on the ground and my thoughts realistic, the dab of hope so that things are not too heavy to bear.
Maybe total fearlessness isn't possible, or even desirable--but the courage, wisdom and hope to be able to work with, around and through my fears is surely very desirable, as well as very possible, or so I believe.
Instead, what I'd like to do is to share another quote w/you, one that for me is equally as important as the original one:
When I first went to Alanon and learned about detachment, I thought it was some kind of magic shield that would keep me from ever feeling pain again, as well as getting other people to do what I wanted them to do when they saw how safe I was behind my shield of detachment.
I'm guessing that most of you realize how deluded this was of me...
What I've had to learn, and am still working with, is that I don't need to feel I've completely purged myself of fear before daring to have hope. The two exist side by side, and I will likely NEVER be 100% in one place or the other; I will ALWAYS have a certain amount of fear even when I feel most hopeful. I will ALWAYS have a little bit of hope, even when I'm most fearful. And I think that's the way it's supposed to be--the little bit of fear to keep my feet on the ground and my thoughts realistic, the dab of hope so that things are not too heavy to bear.
Maybe total fearlessness isn't possible, or even desirable--but the courage, wisdom and hope to be able to work with, around and through my fears is surely very desirable, as well as very possible, or so I believe.
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