I Have One Million Excuses
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 6
I Have One Million Excuses
Hi,
I stumbled across this site after putting the search phrase "face swollen after drinking" into Google. It took me a while to recognize the significance of what I was searching.
I'm not really sure where to start, but I know I have a problem. I have one million excuses to drink. Sometimes, it doesn't even end up in me getting drunk. But, nevertheless, I drink to excess. Last night was particularly bad; it was made worse by the fact that I was enjoying it.
I have tried to quit before, after getting into an argument with my partner and being unusually nasty. I went something like four days. That I have tried to quit before is probably what I consider to be my biggest symptom that I do have a problem. That, and that I didn't stick to it.
I tell myself I'm still young -- I'm in my late twenties -- and that I've only been drinking daily for 5 years. Then it hits me, I've had at least three drinks nearly every single day of the last 5 years.
I tell myself it's because of my job -- I write for a living -- and that the alcoholic artist is a common trope because it is a common thing. But then I realize that the alcohol has hurt my career more than it has helped it.
I tell myself that because I struggle with so much self-hatred, that alcohol is the only way for a few hours of respite, where I can actually feel good and laugh again. Only, I don't always feel good, and even if I do, it inevitably leads to more self-hatred. Then I remember that my self-hatred comes mostly from my body image issues because I've put on weight... the alcohol played a part in that.
I tell myself that people quitting cold turkey has lead to them dying, and so obviously I can't, even though I know the correct course of action would be to consult a doctor and get medicine if appropriate.
I tell myself that how much I drink isn't that bad -- that there are people who drink way more and for way longer, and that I am a long ways off. Heck, I only average half a bottle of vodka a day. Then I realize that before all of this started, I wouldn't have gone through half a bottle on a night out with mates.
I tell myself that I don't always get drunk, and certainly only rarely blackout, and if so, only ever for a few hours. I say that I'm a "high functioning alcoholic", as if that's supposed to comfort me. It's a contradiction.
Originally I came here to say that I had one million reasons to drink, but I'm struggling to come up with more.
It seems there are really only one million reasons not to drink. It's given me love handles, makes me a nasty person, makes me miss deadlines, makes me miserable, etc.
I am not yet on the path to recovery. I'm only at the point where I know I have a problem. Thing is, I've known for some time... maybe a year or two.
Sorry, I know that was one big, tiring self-absorbed essay. Just reading it back is embarrassing, but it kind of helped to write it down.
I stumbled across this site after putting the search phrase "face swollen after drinking" into Google. It took me a while to recognize the significance of what I was searching.
I'm not really sure where to start, but I know I have a problem. I have one million excuses to drink. Sometimes, it doesn't even end up in me getting drunk. But, nevertheless, I drink to excess. Last night was particularly bad; it was made worse by the fact that I was enjoying it.
I have tried to quit before, after getting into an argument with my partner and being unusually nasty. I went something like four days. That I have tried to quit before is probably what I consider to be my biggest symptom that I do have a problem. That, and that I didn't stick to it.
I tell myself I'm still young -- I'm in my late twenties -- and that I've only been drinking daily for 5 years. Then it hits me, I've had at least three drinks nearly every single day of the last 5 years.
I tell myself it's because of my job -- I write for a living -- and that the alcoholic artist is a common trope because it is a common thing. But then I realize that the alcohol has hurt my career more than it has helped it.
I tell myself that because I struggle with so much self-hatred, that alcohol is the only way for a few hours of respite, where I can actually feel good and laugh again. Only, I don't always feel good, and even if I do, it inevitably leads to more self-hatred. Then I remember that my self-hatred comes mostly from my body image issues because I've put on weight... the alcohol played a part in that.
I tell myself that people quitting cold turkey has lead to them dying, and so obviously I can't, even though I know the correct course of action would be to consult a doctor and get medicine if appropriate.
I tell myself that how much I drink isn't that bad -- that there are people who drink way more and for way longer, and that I am a long ways off. Heck, I only average half a bottle of vodka a day. Then I realize that before all of this started, I wouldn't have gone through half a bottle on a night out with mates.
I tell myself that I don't always get drunk, and certainly only rarely blackout, and if so, only ever for a few hours. I say that I'm a "high functioning alcoholic", as if that's supposed to comfort me. It's a contradiction.
Originally I came here to say that I had one million reasons to drink, but I'm struggling to come up with more.
It seems there are really only one million reasons not to drink. It's given me love handles, makes me a nasty person, makes me miss deadlines, makes me miserable, etc.
I am not yet on the path to recovery. I'm only at the point where I know I have a problem. Thing is, I've known for some time... maybe a year or two.
Sorry, I know that was one big, tiring self-absorbed essay. Just reading it back is embarrassing, but it kind of helped to write it down.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
What will it take to put you on the path to recovery?
I'm pretty sure I knew I had a problem when I was 40. At least I think I did. Hard to say, since I drank for 13 more years.
Don't drag it out as long as I did.
Originally Posted by turtle21 
I am not yet on the path to recovery. I'm only at the point where I know I have a problem.
I'm pretty sure I knew I had a problem when I was 40. At least I think I did. Hard to say, since I drank for 13 more years.
Don't drag it out as long as I did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
What will it take to put you on the path to recovery?
I'm pretty sure I knew I had a problem when I was 40. At least I think I did. Hard to say, since I drank for 13 more years.
Don't drag it out as long as I did.
What will it take to put you on the path to recovery?
I'm pretty sure I knew I had a problem when I was 40. At least I think I did. Hard to say, since I drank for 13 more years.
Don't drag it out as long as I did.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome turtle! We're so glad you joined us.
I felt all alone until I came here. Up 'til then I was sure no one had the same experiences or challenges as I did. I found out we're all quite similar - and being in good company here helped me find the strength to quit. You never have to feel alone. We know you can do it, turtle - and have a better life.
I felt all alone until I came here. Up 'til then I was sure no one had the same experiences or challenges as I did. I found out we're all quite similar - and being in good company here helped me find the strength to quit. You never have to feel alone. We know you can do it, turtle - and have a better life.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
Turtle glad you Googled , Now that your found SR there's a lot of information , great people that will help & listen .
You mentioned alcohol is already causing issues in your relationship , work & health . Your young enough to turn that around . Don't wait till it causes bigger problems . I learnt too late lost a lot .
Read posts , make a plan
You mentioned alcohol is already causing issues in your relationship , work & health . Your young enough to turn that around . Don't wait till it causes bigger problems . I learnt too late lost a lot .
Read posts , make a plan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by NestWasEmpty
Turtle glad you Googled , Now that your found SR there's a lot of information , great people that will help & listen .
You mentioned alcohol is already causing issues in your relationship , work & health . Your young enough to turn that around . Don't wait till it causes bigger problems . I learnt too late lost a lot .
Read posts , make a plan
You mentioned alcohol is already causing issues in your relationship , work & health . Your young enough to turn that around . Don't wait till it causes bigger problems . I learnt too late lost a lot .
Read posts , make a plan
You're right; it's caused troubles in every aspect of my life. I visit my parents once a week, and for years now, I've never once been sober. It's lead to arguments that I start because I'm hot-tempered, and I ruin the get-together.
My father's family had alcoholics all the way up it, and he has often spoken about how difficult it was to have an alcoholic father. I know the day is coming where he's going to find out he has an alcoholic child, and I'm going to let him down. I don't want that to happen, and for the purely selfish reason that it's going to break my heart, and make me feel so ashamed. It's a rotten and selfish way to think.
My Google search history is littered with "am I an alcoholic?" searches, and I don't want to be an addict, but stopping seems so daunting. I will continue to read around, yes. So many posts I've read in just the couple of hours I've been on here have been illuminating.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I'm glad you're here! 
The great thing is you're at a point you realize you need to do something about it and you have a community behind you. I wish I would have quit in my late 20's and knew about SR. Those 10 years since my late 20's went by very quickly, but I kept thinking I would outgrow it. It wasn't until this year I came to the realization that I wasn't going to get sober unless I was proactive about getting sober.
The great thing is you're at a point you realize you need to do something about it and you have a community behind you. I wish I would have quit in my late 20's and knew about SR. Those 10 years since my late 20's went by very quickly, but I kept thinking I would outgrow it. It wasn't until this year I came to the realization that I wasn't going to get sober unless I was proactive about getting sober.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by turtle21
My father's family had alcoholics all the way up it, and he has often spoken about how difficult it was to have an alcoholic father. I know the day is coming where he's going to find out he has an alcoholic child, and I'm going to let him down. I don't want that to happen, and for the purely selfish reason that it's going to break my heart, and make me feel so ashamed. It's a rotten and selfish way to think.
Every day that I choose not to drink is a day that the people in my life get the real me and not the junked up version of me.
Welcome to the forum. Not having face puff is a great benefit, among many others, of not drinking.
Keep writing! We will all keep reading.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
There are a lot on here in their 20's. I'm so impressed that they've recognized a problem and have taken steps to correct it. I wish I had taken action sooner than I did - but everything happens for a reason.
You've found a great place here.
You've found a great place here.
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Hi Turtle,
Sorry for why you're here, but I'm glad you found us. While it may not seem like it to you right now, the fact that you have realized the situation you are in is excellent news because now that you realize you are in the alcohol trap, you can take action and be cured forever before you harm yourself permanently. Drinking alcoholically is a mug's game and the only reason people do it because the chemical addiction has warped their rational mind. The good news is that you no longer have to live this way and you can return to health and a normal life by learning about the addiction and taking action. Please make the effort to quit drinking now so that you can avoid the parade of horribles that most certainly awaits you if you let this thing go unchecked...
Sorry for why you're here, but I'm glad you found us. While it may not seem like it to you right now, the fact that you have realized the situation you are in is excellent news because now that you realize you are in the alcohol trap, you can take action and be cured forever before you harm yourself permanently. Drinking alcoholically is a mug's game and the only reason people do it because the chemical addiction has warped their rational mind. The good news is that you no longer have to live this way and you can return to health and a normal life by learning about the addiction and taking action. Please make the effort to quit drinking now so that you can avoid the parade of horribles that most certainly awaits you if you let this thing go unchecked...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
You've already started a recovery journey, believe it or not. Just being honest with yourself is really the most critical component!
This is a great place to educate yourself so you can take the next leap: action!
Please come back. You seem really bright.
This is a great place to educate yourself so you can take the next leap: action!
Please come back. You seem really bright.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi turtle and welcome. I too had the same thoughts as you in my mid to late 20's. I am now 36 and finally addressing the issue seriously, but only after years and years of unnecessary hurt and drama. Trust me, it only gets worse and worse. Really and truly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Welcome turtle21. About your dad....I think he would be proud of you for recognizing and stopping the cycle. My family was full of drinkers, all sober now (sister, rehab for drugs/alcohol....brother, quit drinking years ago cold turkey and never looked back....and my Dad, rehab for alcohol....etc, etc, etc). I seemed to be the last one, playing the "I'm okay, just a social drinker) game for years. Well, it finally caught up and I'm on day 23. I wasn't a fall down drunk, rarely drank during the day, rarely had blackouts (though many "fuzzy" nights).....but drank every day starting 3-5p and continued till bed. All the while, knowing that wasn't right....knowing I was trapped. I woke up on Aug 10th and just decided to stop the madness. I had not planned it. Something inside just gave up, surrendered if you will. I could no longer believe alcohol was the "answer".
I have not told my father yet. I'm not sure if he knew the magnitude of my drinking because during family functions I never showed the true drunk I was. But, what I can tell you....after his experience with alcohol in our family, I'm willing to bet he would be sooooooooo thankful I chose not to drink, no matter the amount I was drinking. Anyone who has experienced alcoholism, directly or indirectly, I believe would never be disappointed with someone choosing to stop.
I thought I had a problem in my late 20's too.....and my 30's.....and 40's. Dismissed it with pretty much the same excuses.
I'm now 50, and didn't grow out of it...I grew into it, and became exactly what I was worried about back in my 20's, 30's 40's etc.
One of my thoughts these last 23 days? I wish I would've listened to myself in my 20's. Life wouldn't have been so heartbreaking....but I brought it on all on myself by drinking. Took me 30 years to realize that. So much time wasted (literally) but better late than never.
Sorry to talk about myself so much, but wanted you to know you're not alone. This is a great place to talk about the things you may not be able to say out loud, face to face with someone at this point. Keep talking. You'll find your way. My wish for you is that find happiness sooner, rather than later.
I have not told my father yet. I'm not sure if he knew the magnitude of my drinking because during family functions I never showed the true drunk I was. But, what I can tell you....after his experience with alcohol in our family, I'm willing to bet he would be sooooooooo thankful I chose not to drink, no matter the amount I was drinking. Anyone who has experienced alcoholism, directly or indirectly, I believe would never be disappointed with someone choosing to stop.
I thought I had a problem in my late 20's too.....and my 30's.....and 40's. Dismissed it with pretty much the same excuses.
I'm now 50, and didn't grow out of it...I grew into it, and became exactly what I was worried about back in my 20's, 30's 40's etc.
One of my thoughts these last 23 days? I wish I would've listened to myself in my 20's. Life wouldn't have been so heartbreaking....but I brought it on all on myself by drinking. Took me 30 years to realize that. So much time wasted (literally) but better late than never.
Sorry to talk about myself so much, but wanted you to know you're not alone. This is a great place to talk about the things you may not be able to say out loud, face to face with someone at this point. Keep talking. You'll find your way. My wish for you is that find happiness sooner, rather than later.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 6
Thank you for all your welcomes, everybody, and for sharing your stories. I truly appreciate it. Your support is helping to make me feel accountable to someone other than myself, and I always seem to let myself down.
On the accountability note, my partner is supportive of my decision to stop (I came 'clean' last night -- though I'm sure I wasn't hiding it that well), and admits that it was an issue, which to be honest made me feel terrible, embarrassed, and ashamed.
Reading through this forum has been great and very educating. I know now that many others have shared the fears I have, and that my case is nothing special. I do want to say, though, that I do have one fear that seems to trump my others, and that is simply: What do I do in the time I would usually spend drinking?
I typically start at around noon, sometimes earlier. I don't often get very drunk, but sometimes it happens. But I do drink right through to bed. I hate that, and hate that I haven't felt well-rested in as long as I can remember. As I have started drinking more, I find I nap during the day when before I never would have. I'm just so tired and exhausted all the time.
Anyway, one of the most daunting things to me is that all that time I spend while under the influence will now not be. I know the solution is simple: Do what you need to do, anyway (work), and then in your free time, find a replacement activity, something that can take your mind off it.
I know a great deal of this will come down to willpower, but the truth is I don't trust myself, and I need to formulate a daily plan or schedule that will help me get through the day without pouring myself a drink. Reorganizing my work and exercise schedules seems one way to do it. I work from home, and I do all my drinking at home, so it's time to move my work out of home. I don't want to be afraid of my house, but at the moment I don't think I can continue to work from home without slipping. Even with no drink at home, the shop is only a 2 minute walk away. A cafe that doesn't serve alcohol, or library seems best.
I'm going to move my exercise to night time from the morning because I won't work out if I've been drinking, the risk for injury is too great even on something simple like the treadmill.
I've also found that I keep trying to bargain with myself. "How about just no drinking at home?" ... "How about just beer?" ... "What if you only start after 8pm?"
To be honest, these all sound like very attractive compromises, but I don't think I can ever limit myself to that. I've tried before, actually, on all 3... and none lasted more than a week or two at most. I don't like that I don't have any self-control when it comes to this. I quit smoking a couple of years ago after over 10 years of a pack a day, and had convinced myself if I could kick that, I had the willpower to control anything. But I can't control this, and I've known for some time, and not wanted to face up to it.
I know to many of you, what I've just typed you've heard and read about many times before, and maybe experienced, too. I don't mean to be boring, but typing it out is helping me get my thoughts on it settled.
Anyway, thank you all again. I will continue to check back in. It's nearly noon here and I'm getting the itch, so I'm taking my behind out to the library to work there.
It get's me down, though, that I didn't mange to not have a drink yesterday, even after I started this thread. I try to excuse myself and say but I only had a couple, but that's the problem... sometimes it's only a couple, but more often than not it's half the bottle.
On the accountability note, my partner is supportive of my decision to stop (I came 'clean' last night -- though I'm sure I wasn't hiding it that well), and admits that it was an issue, which to be honest made me feel terrible, embarrassed, and ashamed.
Reading through this forum has been great and very educating. I know now that many others have shared the fears I have, and that my case is nothing special. I do want to say, though, that I do have one fear that seems to trump my others, and that is simply: What do I do in the time I would usually spend drinking?
I typically start at around noon, sometimes earlier. I don't often get very drunk, but sometimes it happens. But I do drink right through to bed. I hate that, and hate that I haven't felt well-rested in as long as I can remember. As I have started drinking more, I find I nap during the day when before I never would have. I'm just so tired and exhausted all the time.
Anyway, one of the most daunting things to me is that all that time I spend while under the influence will now not be. I know the solution is simple: Do what you need to do, anyway (work), and then in your free time, find a replacement activity, something that can take your mind off it.
I know a great deal of this will come down to willpower, but the truth is I don't trust myself, and I need to formulate a daily plan or schedule that will help me get through the day without pouring myself a drink. Reorganizing my work and exercise schedules seems one way to do it. I work from home, and I do all my drinking at home, so it's time to move my work out of home. I don't want to be afraid of my house, but at the moment I don't think I can continue to work from home without slipping. Even with no drink at home, the shop is only a 2 minute walk away. A cafe that doesn't serve alcohol, or library seems best.
I'm going to move my exercise to night time from the morning because I won't work out if I've been drinking, the risk for injury is too great even on something simple like the treadmill.
I've also found that I keep trying to bargain with myself. "How about just no drinking at home?" ... "How about just beer?" ... "What if you only start after 8pm?"
To be honest, these all sound like very attractive compromises, but I don't think I can ever limit myself to that. I've tried before, actually, on all 3... and none lasted more than a week or two at most. I don't like that I don't have any self-control when it comes to this. I quit smoking a couple of years ago after over 10 years of a pack a day, and had convinced myself if I could kick that, I had the willpower to control anything. But I can't control this, and I've known for some time, and not wanted to face up to it.
I know to many of you, what I've just typed you've heard and read about many times before, and maybe experienced, too. I don't mean to be boring, but typing it out is helping me get my thoughts on it settled.
Anyway, thank you all again. I will continue to check back in. It's nearly noon here and I'm getting the itch, so I'm taking my behind out to the library to work there.
It get's me down, though, that I didn't mange to not have a drink yesterday, even after I started this thread. I try to excuse myself and say but I only had a couple, but that's the problem... sometimes it's only a couple, but more often than not it's half the bottle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by InTheEnd
Welcome turtle21. About your dad....I think he would be proud of you for recognizing and stopping the cycle.
Maybe he does know, or has an inkling, but he's the kind of man who would confront me on it, so I'm not sure... maybe he does know and doesn't know what to do.
Either way, the uncertainty is (and I know this is so selfish) something that I find very difficult to handle, so I just don't think about it.
I threw out a ton of empty bottles today. I've known for some time that all of my grocery shopping is planned around whether or not I need to buy alcohol. The only reason my vegetable drawer is always so stocked is because I've tricked myself. "I need to go down and buy healthy food, and also 2 bottles of vodka." It's time to actually only buy groceries.
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