gingerbread81

Hello,

I come here often, but post rarely. I'm not sure exactly what I need from this post, other than to work through these feelings and work on moving on. Maybe my posts will help someone else too, because I sure know that everyone else's posts really help me to know that I am not alone.

I will try not to make this too lengthy. I was in a relationship for 8 years with an alcoholic. We met in our 20s (he was an alcoholic then and I knew it, but back then I had no clue what I was getting in to). We have been on and off the whole time due to his lying, cheating, verbal abuse, disappearing acts and not being responsible. He has 2 kids, so I tried so hard to help him and encourage him to be a good dad, which he has never been and still isn't. I left him back in January of this year because I almost failed school by getting caught up in his addict behaviors (described above). It was hard, I Went for months without talking to him. Then came the texts about how me needs to change and he's going to AA and drinking is killing him. This always tugs at my heart because I do love him, despite everything. So, stupidly, I allowed him back into my life about a month ago (not FULLY as I had before, but I allowed him to spend time with me as long as he was sober)....and of course he cheated with his friends wife (a trashy alcoholic) and disappeared without an explanation (well I found out that she came back in town on my own). Literally one day he loved me and was going to AA and the NEXT day he was drinking with her. This has happened before so the pain didn't last very long, as I have been guarded.

Well, I thought I was getting over this yet again and then Saturday night I went out with my friends. He walked into a bar and saw them together...earlier that same day, he texted me saying he loves me and hates what alcoholism does to him and etc... I didn't respond. But seeing them together just set me off. I went up to him to say hi and she gave me a mean look. I looked at her and told her I know her husband and I will be letting him know...she started saying they were only friends...whatever. I walked away but her and her rowdy friends started saying they would break bottles over my head and kept talking Sh** very loud. I was embaressed and we left. I know I shouldn't have said anything to him and her, but she acted like a fool by being all loud and threatening me. I was not going to start fighting. Right after I left, he started texting me again that he was sorry and all this stuff...when he was still with her.
I texted him back saying they deserve each other and that he lost me for the last time and to never text me about his alcoholism again. The next day, he replied with "whatevs"..... When I saw them together, I should have just ignored him like my plan was.
I have never seen him with another women, and knowing that she is an loud alcoholic and married makes me sick. I am hoping this is what I need to move on forever. I keep thinking about myself now, what I want, and I have been seriously looking at my past history with this man and am finally seeing that his words are so fake. I don't know if he truly wants to change and he is struggling or if it's all an act. I don't care anymore.
I am just upset with myself because I was working so hard on recovery. I was getting to the point of being truly happy. I just graduated nursing school a few weeks ago and I am proud of myself...I just can't believe I fell for it again. Like a fool.

Generallyspeak

I wouldn't deal with this. There is a difference between someone who says they will change and someone who truly wants to. It doesn't seem like he's truly trying to change it seems like he wants his cake and to eat it as well.

You have to take care of número uno. You've spent years, plural, on this guy which repeatedly dragged you down.

You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of him at all. After this many chances it seems clear he is not serious about the relationship so you should t be either. I would break away for several months, not even contact this guy, and regain what you missed out on poor opportunity cost. If he's serious about you and his health at all this will be incentive enough.

gingerbread81

Ugghhh I just re-read my post from the end of July when I let this toxic man back into my life....I feel so dumb that I even allowed him to hang out with me when he was sober and thinking that I was strong enough to not let my feelings get in the way. How do I gain that strength so I don't do this again? I think I already know my answer....no contact. I was able to do that for months and I was moving on.....feeling good. How could I fall for it again? This guy doesn't want to be sober or if he does, he does not have the strength. Alcoholism is so sad. It hurts the alcoholic and it destroys the people that love them. I feel sorry for him, despite all the crap he has done, but it's not my responsibility. If anything, me being there just hurts him more....I'm not allowing him to have consequences for his actions so he has NO reason to change. I'm the type of person that doesn't hold grudges and I can empathize with people so easily....this goes for my personal and professional life......I want to believe the best in people....I'm so worried that I will never be able to love someone again and trust someone....

gingerbread81

You're right generallyspeak....although I don't think I could ever trust this man again not to hurt me. I'm still working on myself and finding my self-worth.....and hopefully I will be strong enough to NEVER take this treatment from him or anyone else. It's weird, he is the ONLY person I have ever let treat me like this...it's like he knows exactly what to say and how to act to get my heart to melt....but he has no intentions of being a good man to me or anyone.

dandylion

gingerbread....that whole scene is now history. Don't obsess over it and wear out your brain cells.
The handwritting is very plainly on the wall. Reality sucks like a MoFo...but, to continue to ignore it serves to cripple us.

Specifically....what are you doing for your recovery?

dandylion

gingerbread81

Hi Dandylion,

Thank you.... to answer your question, I have been spending time with people who really love me, like family and friends. I have also been intentionally filling my time with these people and treating them better than I have before (not that I treated anyone bad, but I have been selfish and I am working on that). I have been removing anyone who I feel is toxic, even slightly.
I finished nursing school and now will be starting a new career, which I am looking forward to.
I read here daily, I pray again every day. and I am trying to put myself first and be HONEST with myself about my feelings and I am no longer hiding anything about my XA from my family. I used to make him look like a good man because I was embarressed and I knew my family and friends thought I could do better. I am no longer hiding my toxic relationship with a fake facade. Another thing that is huge for me is that I am getting out and about living my life doing what I want....before, I would "hide out" in my house and be depressed and not live my life. I am sure my XA loved this because he could do what he wanted without me interrupting or finding out about what he does. I got a gym membership to a nice gym with a nice pool and I go there often. I am also watching what I eat and starting to buy clothes and things that I like....things like that really help.
I am open to other suggestions of how to really MOVE ON. One thing I notice is that even though I am making these changes...I still have thins lingering sense of sadness and feel I could never let myself be close to another man, which sucks because I am 34 and I want family and kids, but I am so scared of intimacy and trusting another man that I see my dream fading away....

dandylion

gingerbread....everything that y ou have been doing id good! You seem to be very respectful of the need for self care....and you are smart to do so.

Chances are that you have baggage that you had even before this relationship....then compounded times ten by living with an alcoholic.
Have you read "Co-Dependent No More"? If not, get it and read it....you will find that so many things will resonate with you.

I also suggest that you get some face to face support from people who understand. Individual therapy and alanon is what the people on this forum who have been able to break the cycle report over and over.....and over....

I think that you need to recognize that you are still grieving...and expect that you will likely do this for weeks to months or longer.....
It is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.

AFTER you get healthy.....you will love again.
You can change all of this if you are willing to do the work....

dandylion

Refiner

This all sounds so high school. Actually middle school. Are you still questioning what needs to happen?

SeriousKarma

Well, Heck girl, Congratulations! That's fantastic.

So you had one minor slip. That's nothing. They were probably too drunk to remember anyway.

I think you've got this, Ginger. It sound like you're doing a whole lot more right than wrong. Keep looking at yourself with open eyes and you're going to do just fine.

emilynghiem

Dear Gingerbread

1. Even though he was the one doing all this and dragging you into it,
it's clear the reason you feel so stupid and bad is to motivate you to avoid him.
If you didn't feel awful, you are so willing to give people chances, you'd get sucked back in. This is a big warning to stay away, so be kind to yourself and know you are not good for him either.

2. What all these people need is a counselor willing to meet with the husband and wife separately, and also your ex; prepare them to work on their issues independently and then bring them together to make a commitment to support each other in that. And if they are not willing to commit to make peace together, they all need to stay away from each other. One or the other, but not this endless entanglement to get high off the drama.

That is like professional/high end spiritual help to resolve these problems.

Since you are not a professional counselor or minister in these areas,
clearly this isn't for you.

To back out of this, just keep envisioning and recommending these people get some real interpersonal counseling to save themselves and their relations.

And of course they will refuse. So that is your excuse to exit the story.

If they won't get real help, you don't need to be around and be abused.

so sorry you did get caught up in this.

I feel sorry for them and wouldn't want to be in ANY of their shoes.

Be glad you are YOU and not THEM.

Do NOT waste any time holding thoughts or issues against them, or that keeps you stuck in their solar system. You don't want to be any kind of satellite sucked into orbit around their egos, refusal to solve their problems, and bad energy.

Just forgive forgive forgive 77 times 77 times 77,777
and that will keep you away from their negative energy and ill intent.

If you harbor ill will or ill thoughts towards them, that ill energy attracts each other.

So keep forgiving the bad, and keep praying and wishing positive thoughts of compassion peace and healing, and those positive vibes will ward off the negative pull these people have.

Don't get caught up in their toxic energy, you don't deserve to poison your space with their messes they refuse to clean up.

Keep your heart and mind focused on positive healing and moving forward.
if they decide to move forward, they can drop this negativity and commit to positive corrections and changes.

Otherwise, you keep working on positive changes for yourself, and you will leave them behind. You will attract more positive people in your life, and there will be no room left for them to intrude.

Please take care, and consider yourself lucky to know better and to seek better than they are. So sad for them, but you don't deserve to be stuck in the mud with them. Good riddance and best wishes moving forward.
More power to you!

gingerbread81

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your words and advice.....

Emily, you are so right! I was just thinking last night about how I cannot be mad about what he has done to me anymore because it is keeping me stuck. The bottom line is that he is sick and that is sad and I can't directly help him (I know this because I have tried for 8 years). I know deep down he loves me and that's going to be good enough for me. I also know that every time I try to believe his words and let him in my life, I am the one getting burned, so my best option is to not talk to him or go places that he might be.
I will continue to pray and I will pray for him because he needs it right now. I am also working on forgiving him and forgiving myself for letting my self down. Deep down, he is not a bad person, but his alcoholism causes him to be one and to make horrible, selfish decisions....he knows it too. He struggles with it, but can't seem to make any lasting changes. If he wants to be a good honest man and father, that's on him. He is grown and he can make those choices. Loving an alcoholic can be a huge life lesson and you're right, I am lucky that I'm not like either of them and that I that I am striving to be a better person (even though I have set backs). Maybe he will make lasting changes, maybe not.....I can't worry about it anymore; it's time to move forward. Thank you so much