Butterfly

So he just texted with xoxoxo. Nothing else.

It's weird right but of course I think what's wrong and I want to check that he's ok but the other hand I think is this an attempt to hook me back in to see if I'm still waiting about for him??

I haven't responded!!

Your views would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

LexieCat

QUACK.

I'd ignore it.

biminiblue

I would suggest you stop trying to figure out his thinking, it's impossible.

He's a drunk. Drunks go looking for "love" in all the wrong places.

Ask me how I know.

Butterfly

I'm trying all my instincts tell me he's trying to see if I'm still waiting about for him and as I didn't respond to his last xo he's trying again!

However my need to be wanted and loved are screaming out saying reply ask him if he's ok why send that? But I know if I do he will respond with something like I'm sorry I shouldn't have sent it or something that will knock me again!!

Butterfly

How am I the wrong place?

FireSprite

Quack, quack, quack. It's nonsensical, don't waste your brain cells butterfly, he's not worth it. Really, pick out some happier things to think about & every time you feel tempted to give this BS your attention, say, "I'll think about that later. ..." & force yourself to change the script. (That's why I suggest having some go-to happy thoughts.... in the moment it can be harder to think your way out. In time it gets easier.)

healthyagain

You need to develop a brain trash can for all the quacks and manipulation attempts. Of course, you have to recognize them first, and I think you already know how. Ignore the message and do not respond.

jjj111

Butterfly, this is even less than the meaningless words of an alcoholic. This is a few letters! What if he did want to get back with you? Would you really want to after all the things he's put you through?

Butterfly

Here's the pathetic part I probably would

FireSprite

He typed out 6 characters on a keyboard, in a subjective acronym, with no tone, no emotion, no WORDS. SIX x's & o's. Whoop dee freaking do.

But look how much hard work you are putting into interpreting! If anything, he's hoping to stay on your good side til the divorce is settled; selfish.

jjj111

IDK, Butterfly, it seems like now and then you think you might want him back, but then when you actually have to deal with him you realize you don't. Like recently when he offered to take your son out to lunch, and you started feeling sentimental, but then he started being his bossy, blaming self and you seemed to realize that maybe he wasn't so fun to have around after all.

Hawkeye13

Timing again;
Cross petition is coming and he darn well knows it.

Don't let this derail you.
If he were serious about getting back with you, he'd be working a program of sobriety.

He isn't, and quite frankly he most likely won't ever stop drinking.

I think when you see what he is desperately trying to hide in his financials you'll see to the bottom of this.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I really think that's what is going on Butterfly.
File those papers right away.

theuncertainty

Butterfly, I got a straight "Love you!" text from AXH while he was living with another woman. Pretty unambiguous... Until you throw in that it was coming from an active alcoholic who was trying to hide his addiction. It didn't mean much more than: If *this* doesn't work out, I want to try to re-open the door with TU so I have someplace to go.

It's just words. Sweet nothings. I never really understood why people thought "sweet nothings" were something to melt over. Nothing, sweet or otherwise is still nothing.

healthyagain

Are you sure it is him him or the him that you imagine in your head? Because, tell you what, what you imagined about him is not real. And I am going through something similar. I would like my husband back, the person I used to love, but that person is gone.

It is not pathetic. You are grieving at the moment. But you are also moving on. He is not. He is still spinning.

SparkleKitty

I dunno, B. I think you're missing someone who does not exist.

I can't help see these texts as directly tied to your initiation of the divorce. He dragged his feet, and now you've pressed the issue before he's ready. Oh well. That's life.

I could be wrong, but the instinct to interpret this is as anything more than that comes from you and what you feel deprived of -- both now, and when you were a child. He is no better prepared to heal that wound for you now than he ever was. Nobody can do that but you.

searching peace

My first instinct was of course respond, he is reaching out. Maybe he is better and wants to really try. And then woah stop!!!! This is not trying! He only put childish little symbols. It is awful how we take crumbs and turn them into a magnificent gourmet meal! Do not listen to words, listen to his actions! Actions speak much louder than words ever can! I hope you do not make the mistakes I have made. You are smarter than I am and will see through his minimal attempt at a reaction from you.

Liveitwell

Oh Lord - this is just quacking and more craptastic crap. My ex did this all the time. It's just baiting and then he will try and gut you if you respond. Ask me how I know. He's not recovered-he's still playing the game. Don't fall for it! If he was truly recovered/working on sobriety, you would know. Peace to you

biminiblue

I'll expand, Butterfly.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

I am not putting emphasis on "wrong places" - I'm putting emphasis on "love." In reality, every place is wrong when someone is an active alcoholic, because they aren't capable of a healthy relationship.

He has no intention of "Love" the way you and I would view it. Sexxy time, maybe. Manipulation, absolutely. He would use your kindness and desire for closeness against you. So he is looking for "Love" just about as much as he is looking to get sober - which is not at all. He gets his ego stroked by seeing you squirm, to know that he is still the man and can still yank your chain. Alcoholic delusion and ego - nothing more. Who sends xoxoxoxo to the woman who is divorcing him? He left many months ago. Nothing has changed. You are playing along by engaging him in your mental processes. What happened to no contact?

This is a perfect example of the two puzzle pieces that fit together when an addict finds someone to match his illness.

Ugh and some more ugh.

atalose

Your desperation is like a mirror of his alcoholism. He thinks he can’t live without the bottle. He needs the bottle to validate whatever his twisted thoughts tell him.

You need him and his crumbs of attention to validate whatever twisted thoughts are running through your head.

Your need to be wanted and loved will never be fulfilled by an alcoholic no matter what quacking justification your thoughts try and tell you……………

AnvilheadII

so the timestamp on your post says 8:46 Pacific Coast Time, US.....what time was it in the UK when he texted? and have you considered maybe it wasn't even meant for you?

surely, SURELY, this isn't all it takes Butterfly. surely you aren't still right back at square one.