achintobe

My ex AGF has a 20 yo son who is a major underachiever considering his intelligence level. He has had numerous run-ins with the law and problems with substance abuse - namely heroin. I bailed on the relationship because I found I was engaging in a certain amount of enabling behavior myself, but also because I couldn't stand how she never allowed her son to stand on his own two feet. Of course, her drinking was a problem as well. She apparently is now with someone who "will do anything" for her - many favors, constant attention, buying her things, drinking with her and giving her wine, cooking for her, even providing her with Xanax from his own supply (he supposedly has his own issues like depression and anxiety).

I stopped by their house recently because the son had just come back home to get cleaned up. He was drinking and smoking heavily (as was mom) which I thought was odd considering he was supposedly trying to get healthy. My ex paid for his legal issues, got him a job where she works, doesn't charge him rent or food, has her new guy drive him to work less than a mile away, and (no moral judgement here) allows her son's 17 yo girlfriend to stay at the house with him. If its me, none of this happens with a son who needs to straighten up.

She is enabled in her own issues, but is it common for someone who has the problems she does to also pass along the enabling behavior to another? Isn't this a line of struggles that may never end since no one is learning anything about taking responsibility for themselves? What if he has kids one day? If things were to be corrected, who would be the one to take the lead? Mom, new BF, son.....? I'm guessing not me.

I ask because I am new to this problem drinking and drugging stuff, and I find human behavior fascinating in general.

FireSprite

Sure, anyone can make a habit of enabling, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we enable others because it helps disguise our own dysfunction. It's a human trait, really.

A word of caution though -be careful not to rush to judgment. We moms (& many a dad, this isn't a gender thing) sometimes DO that with our kids; sort of feeding them fish forever & never making them accountable to learning it for themselves....... we ALL parent differently & it sounds like you just have very different opinions, approaches & expectations of parenting. I've known people who talk a big game of discipline & control & then laugh when they do a 180 because the REALITY of parenting is much different than you can imagine, no matter HOW clearly you think you understand beforehand. I try to stay closer to the middle of both extremes, lol.

Is she "wrong" simply for not seeing it your way - nope. You aren't necessarily "right" - what works for you may not work for others. And your Ex aside, I've known situations where a parent totally "enables" a child in life but I also understand their reasons - like they nearly lost that child at birth & it changed their view. Or they lost another child & hold the rest more tightly. JMHO, of course!

BClare

Welcome!

I believe the original question is answered by what is going on: clearly, this A is also an enabler.

The second question,
'If things were to be corrected, who would be the one to take the lead? Mom, new BF, son.....?'
is just a guess, but in my opinion each one must find his/her own recovery path.

achintobe

You're right. I do not mean to sound judgmental about one's parenting style (I am also a parent). I just cannot get my head around the idea that someone who expressed such love and concern for her son's wellbeing would then allow the drinking and smoking in place of the drugs, and not pursue any kind of counseling for him.

I wonder if this is a result of her own issues. One of my character flaws is I always need to know "why".