Newby to here - 5 months in sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1
Newby to here - 5 months in sobriety
I found this website after coming in last night after being at a party, with my hubby & 2 boys!!! I stayed sober but ended up in a bad mood & arguing with my hubby as I don't feel he understand how hard being around drunken people is!!! I can cope with everyone drinking around me, until they get stupid drunk!!! When I was clearly ready to go & told my DH I wanted to go home, he went and got another bottle of beer!! Then when I challenged him about it he said he didn't realise I meant straight away. The kids were playing up, it was 9.30pm (we had been there since 3pm), my little one (7yrs) has a footie tournament today, so needed rest, DH was driving this morning too etc etc, so loads of reasons y we should have come home, but I end up feeling guilty getting upset about us having to leave the party, my kids were upset (they know I have a drink problem).
I have been out of rehab 6 weeks after a 2 weeks relapse, back in March which put me in there, I am determined to stay sober, I love my sober life (been trying to stay sober since sept 2012, longest being 18 months!). Just not sure how to deal with drunk people, my DH has made it clear he WILL NOT stop drinking & all our friends are drinkers, most are heavy drinkers but not "alcoholic drinkers" they don't drink when they have work etc. So all of our social life involves drink.
Not sure what to do, I am scarred to talking to him as it will start an argument which I always end up taking the blame for apologies & that it will change our relationship and force a decision of whether we can stay together or not!!!
We have just come back last week from a 3 week holiday in Spain where this happened most nights as well, because I couldn't cope with being around him drunk then either!! Is it me or do we all live in a culture were everyone drinks constantly now unless they are working!!! Sorry am babbling
I have been out of rehab 6 weeks after a 2 weeks relapse, back in March which put me in there, I am determined to stay sober, I love my sober life (been trying to stay sober since sept 2012, longest being 18 months!). Just not sure how to deal with drunk people, my DH has made it clear he WILL NOT stop drinking & all our friends are drinkers, most are heavy drinkers but not "alcoholic drinkers" they don't drink when they have work etc. So all of our social life involves drink.
Not sure what to do, I am scarred to talking to him as it will start an argument which I always end up taking the blame for apologies & that it will change our relationship and force a decision of whether we can stay together or not!!!
We have just come back last week from a 3 week holiday in Spain where this happened most nights as well, because I couldn't cope with being around him drunk then either!! Is it me or do we all live in a culture were everyone drinks constantly now unless they are working!!! Sorry am babbling
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hi Sobershell ,
Congratulations on the 6 weeks
Wow going to a party that pretty full on and a challenging thing to do … I didn't go anywhere like that for over 6 months to a year so i could build some strong "sober muscles" , even then i got outta there early .
If and when i do go to something like that , i always plan quite a few reasons to get out and leave , i always make sure i have the autonomy to "just" get out of there .
At 6 weeks it can seem like the whole of the rest of the world drinks , i think we go through a stage where we are hyper aware to it or i certainly did within that time frame , my obsession was still obsessing
Welcome to SR ,
Bestwishes, m
Congratulations on the 6 weeks
Wow going to a party that pretty full on and a challenging thing to do … I didn't go anywhere like that for over 6 months to a year so i could build some strong "sober muscles" , even then i got outta there early .
If and when i do go to something like that , i always plan quite a few reasons to get out and leave , i always make sure i have the autonomy to "just" get out of there .
At 6 weeks it can seem like the whole of the rest of the world drinks , i think we go through a stage where we are hyper aware to it or i certainly did within that time frame , my obsession was still obsessing
Welcome to SR ,
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello Sobershell,
Have you 'prayed' about the situation?
In my experience since the Miracle of Sobriety happened in me, prayer most often does not bring about 'God' coming out of the sky and zapping the situation to 'fix' everything. Prayer, for me in most situations, brings things into a 'perspective' and sets things on 'paths' to change.
It may be a time for you to start separating some activities? When he goes to the ever-happening drunk parties, maybe you go to an AA meeting, or go to a movie or dinner with Sober friends? Take the kids with other Sober friends to a movie or the Park, or ???
On vacation, I have had great experiences finding and going to AA meetings, and meeting new Sober friends. People are generally very willing to give phone numbers and offer support and friendship to a visiting Sober 'Alcoholic'.
Prayer can also start new processes in the 'other' person we pray about. Everyone, even your Drunken Husband, has a mind that perceives more than they realize, and a Soul / Spirit that 'God' can influence.
Also, it seems like it may be good for you to show your kids that Sober people don't HAVE TO be dragged to Drunk Parties, 'every time'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I have prayed for God to set NEW paths in motion for you and your family, including the DH.
ps - paths and new directions generally take time and commitment, well beyond the 1st prayer. Enjoy the 'journey', even the rocky roads and the uphill struggles that are inevitable in life.
Have you 'prayed' about the situation?
In my experience since the Miracle of Sobriety happened in me, prayer most often does not bring about 'God' coming out of the sky and zapping the situation to 'fix' everything. Prayer, for me in most situations, brings things into a 'perspective' and sets things on 'paths' to change.
It may be a time for you to start separating some activities? When he goes to the ever-happening drunk parties, maybe you go to an AA meeting, or go to a movie or dinner with Sober friends? Take the kids with other Sober friends to a movie or the Park, or ???
On vacation, I have had great experiences finding and going to AA meetings, and meeting new Sober friends. People are generally very willing to give phone numbers and offer support and friendship to a visiting Sober 'Alcoholic'.
Prayer can also start new processes in the 'other' person we pray about. Everyone, even your Drunken Husband, has a mind that perceives more than they realize, and a Soul / Spirit that 'God' can influence.
Also, it seems like it may be good for you to show your kids that Sober people don't HAVE TO be dragged to Drunk Parties, 'every time'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I have prayed for God to set NEW paths in motion for you and your family, including the DH.
ps - paths and new directions generally take time and commitment, well beyond the 1st prayer. Enjoy the 'journey', even the rocky roads and the uphill struggles that are inevitable in life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
One thing I've learned is that I need as escape strategy to be in place before I go anywhere that there will be drink involved. My partner knows (now) that when I tell him I'm going, and he can come with me or find another way home, that I mean it. (I've overheard him in conversations with others who want a lift saying, get another beer if you want, but it's a long walk, and she might not be shouting, but she means it). It took a while (and a few surprise train journeys home) for him to realise that though 
.
I've never been good at making clear boundaries. Most of the arguments we have tend to come from me not saying clearly what I want, and then getting resentful when it doesn't happen. This is pretty much the kind of communication that I remember my parents having as well. It's a bit of a learning curve for me / us. I'm in AA but have also recently started going to CoDa as well, which I'm hoping will help with this side of things.
.I've never been good at making clear boundaries. Most of the arguments we have tend to come from me not saying clearly what I want, and then getting resentful when it doesn't happen. This is pretty much the kind of communication that I remember my parents having as well. It's a bit of a learning curve for me / us. I'm in AA but have also recently started going to CoDa as well, which I'm hoping will help with this side of things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi SoberShell. Welcome to SR.
It must have been so frustrating being at a drinking party. I realized when I quit drinking that I had to change a lot. My husband was still drinking but we didn't socialize. I started crafting a new, sober life on my own, me and the kids. I've got two, 7 & 10. We go to sober picnics, sober dances, hang out with other like minded people. They, and I, have had more fun and done more things, than when I lived my life in a prison created by alcohol.
Don't apologize for how you feel. Take care of you. And your sobriety. Not everyone drinks. It just seems that way. It's true that birds of a feather flock together but you are seeking to leave that flock. Put in the work to find alternatives.
Hang in there.
It must have been so frustrating being at a drinking party. I realized when I quit drinking that I had to change a lot. My husband was still drinking but we didn't socialize. I started crafting a new, sober life on my own, me and the kids. I've got two, 7 & 10. We go to sober picnics, sober dances, hang out with other like minded people. They, and I, have had more fun and done more things, than when I lived my life in a prison created by alcohol.
Don't apologize for how you feel. Take care of you. And your sobriety. Not everyone drinks. It just seems that way. It's true that birds of a feather flock together but you are seeking to leave that flock. Put in the work to find alternatives.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Congratulations on getting through this party without drinking, Sobershell. I agree with mecanix that, this early in sobriety, you may want to avoid situations where a lot of alcohol is available. I needed to focus on me, and my recovery, in those early weeks. It is ok to be a little selfish like that. In fact, I think it is necessary. We have to keep our sobriety as our #1 priority above all else.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.
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