Nyinabo

My husband hasn't drunk anything in 10 days since I gave him an ultimatum (stop drinking or leave). I wasn't really expecting it to work but so far so good. He sulked for the first week but the last couple of days have been great, he's been exercising loads and we've been taking the kids out to do things we haven't done in ages.
I just want to know if I can be hopeful that this might be it or if this is typical behaviour of someone who has just stopped drinking. Should I be expecting a relapse? Should I have a back up plan? He has no interest in going to any groups, he says he's in control of himself and it's got nothing to do with anyone else.

buk1000

Speaking as an alcoholic, he's got a long, long way to go. I don't know if I'd say you should be "expecting" a relapse, at least in ways that could become vocal. But you should definitely not be getting ahead of yourself as far as expectations are concerned. I don't know your story but 10 days is nothing in terms of achieving long term sobriety.

dandylion

Nyinabo.....I believe that he was drinking significant amounts on a daily basis?
It is likely that he is "white knuckling" at this point in time.
It is possible to white knuckle it for varying amounts of time.....weeks to months and even longer sometimes.....
If he is truly an alcoholic....then don't expect that he is "cured".

Putting down the drink is just the first step for an alcoholic. Recovery involves working a program so that they can change their THINKING...leading to a change in attitudes....leading to a change in actions.
This requires a lot of work and effort....and it doesn't happen overnight.
The hardest thing for most alcoholics is to admit that they need help and accept it.

He may believe that he has "control" over it....but, for an alcoholic...that alcoholic voice is whispering in his ear 24/7.

To answer your question.....I say "YES"....absolutely, have a back-up plan.

I suggest that y ou go to the "stickies" at the top of the page--just above the threads. Go to the one labled: "Classic Readings". Then, scroll down to the one that is titled: "10 Ways to Tell If Your Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap".
That will give you a pretty good yardstick.

dandylion

D122y

So much info here ma.am.

Sounds like he is trying, but is he doing any research on his own?

As a recovering drunk, I, constantly Google, and look here for advice and info.

No expert here..10 days was just the calm before my next binge..so was 14, and 27.

I had to hit a bottom, then I decided I was out of control.

How to Quit Drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous: 5 Steps

Austin4Wyo

I agree. I'm in recovery, and have white knuckled it before. I'm friends with non-alcoholics partnered with alcoholics, and see it often there as well. I'm speaking generally, but without some sort of program of recovery, which addresses the internal motivations for altering a reality through substances, he remains at high risk for a return to the old behaviors. Part of it is not knowing any other way to combat those internal motivations, and part of it may flat out be denial of many things. For me, I denied I was a problem drinker/alcoholic drinker/alcohol dependent (pick whichever term you feel is appropriate). When I quit without a program, I denied any sense of loss for the "solution" I knew, ineffective as it was. So I was a miserable drunk who denied he had a problem with himself followed by a dry drunk who still didn't want to admit he had a problem with himself. I was the boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits referenced in the Big Book

It could be that your husband isn't typical, and that would be amazing. However, I'm a firm believer that the reason a reality is altered through substances is because there is a percieved benefit. Until that benefit is negated or achieved through other means (or both), there is no intrinsic motivation to quit altering reality.

I hope that makes sense. Best vibes for both of you.

Nyinabo

Thanks for the link dandylion. What is white knuckling?

Nyinabo

You have all pretty much confirmed what I was thinking by the way.

LexieCat

"White knuckling" is where you are simply going on pure willpower not to drink. It tends not to work for alcoholics. It will work short-term, but not over time.

I'd DEFINITELY have a backup plan (or several).

Liveitwell

As long as he thinks he's in control of his drinking he will be heading towards a relapse. Yes-have a backup plan. Take care of yourself and don't listen to any of his words-listen to his actions.

NYCDoglvr

Ditto what everyone else says. As a recovering alcoholic I wouldn't have gotten or stayed sober without the support of a 12 Step program. I understand cognitive therapy helps some.

Nyinabo

That was useful reading dandylion. I stayed up late reading the classic readings properly which I'd only skim read before. He really does fit the pattern that is described over and over again. I also recognise myself as the typical enabler/codependent.
I am making efforts to detach myself, not get my hopes up, make myself happy without it involving him. I think this is great advice whether dealing with an alcoholic or not. Nobody's happiness should depend entirely on the behaviour of their partner.
I'm learning so much from people here. Thanks for all the great advice.

FeelingGreat

Nyinabo, ex-A here, so I have an idea of what your husband is experiencing. I agree with the others that relapse is likely, but who knows? Sometime it just clicks, the mind adjusts and quitting becomes easier.
The danger is that he mightn't be convinced that he can't drink again. Lots of As, including myself, think that once they've been sober for a while they'll be able to control their drinking. Not so.
While it lasts, let him know you appreciate it.