Pia

I hate to ask this but please tell me it's non of my business or She is capable of making her own decisions.

So my mother (75yrs old) is living with me . I have taken up the caregiver role. Since my father passed away almost a year ago I have stopped my life to be a caregiver to my mother. I have two older sisters who have stolen and verbally and emotionally abused her.Neither of them wants her to live with them. They only want her when they need money.

Mom was acting strange this morning,picking a fight with me. Even telling me she is going to be free from me for a few hours. I could tell she was hiding something. My older sister says she is coming over to take her out and spend time with her.
A little voice told me to check moms second bank account. The bank account I had to set up so my sisters wouldn't know about and steal from her. Not only did she withdrawn a huge amount she closed the checking account then xfered a large sum to the first bank account where my sisters can have access too.

I don't know if I should say anything or what?
I have gone above and beyond to ensure mom is safe and financially taken care of the rest of her life.

Me delima is
#1 she is living with me do I turn a blind eye it is hard enough dealing with her lies and forgetfulness already.
#2 I feel betrayed and don't want to be around people who are not honest and do things behind my back.

I keep wondering now if she has been lying to my sister and making me a bad person.
Why didn't she tell me about this?

She got home and has been hiding in her room all night.

I'm frustrated.

emilynghiem

I'm not worried so much about you directly, ie this doesn't reflect badly on you at all.
I'm worried the sister can take advantage of your mom and her money.

How this affects you is if your sister does abscond with it,
that means you will be stuck trying to get help for your mom without any money to work with if it is all misspent.

Can you find a way to appoint a neutral friend that all of you trust
if your mom needs an accountant or guardian to watch the money?

If you don't trust your sister and she doesn't trust you,
can you agree to pick someone you both trust?

is there anyone else in your family that could serve as guardian or cosigner to make sure your mom's money stays with her to pay for her care.

Maybe if both you and your sister have to both co-sign, that would protect from any unauthorized expenditures, would that help?

If a red flag has gone up and alarms are going off, then I would review the situation and put a safety check on it that all of you can agree will make sure the money goes to your mom first. Too many situations like this have gone bad, I might advise you to check with a family/estate/probate lawyer to find the easier and safest way to protect your mom's money.

Pia

My sisters take advantage of mom in every which way possible. Even leaving her out of the city in the middle of no where kicked her out of the car!!!!
But she can not stand up to them she feels she would be a bad mom to talk back.

She has no friends to appoint a neutral person and she will not go to a accountant or lawyer.Again she feels she would be a bad mother to do so.

My sisters would never agree to sign something. I can hear there response in my head already and they would be so mad.

Making decisions for someone is an awful position to be in. I always try to make the honest, right decision. Watching my mom grow old and all the things that go with that is something that I am tryng to deal with.

I feel that if mom was not living with me I wouldn't be as upset because she allows this and you can't change her mind.

I just don't know how to handle this all. I got rid of one problem (AH) and now this.

Pia

I'm trying to talk myself through this.

I am the one that invited mom to live with me. I wanted her to heal and be safe.
Since I invited her I should just come to the conclusion that my sisters will milk her for everything and expect me to pay for her medical bills and expenses.

I don't want anger and resentment in my house or in me. I want to treat her with respect and honor her as an elderly aging woman.

Since I invited her in my home I should just let her do whatever she wants and not say anything even if I disagree.

happybeingme

I would try sitting with your mom and telling her that you respect her right to decide what she does with her money but you are concerned she might accidentally short change herself. See if the two of you can set up a budget to make sure she can cover her monthly expenses plus a little extra for the unexpected. Then put all her extra money in a different account that she can do whatever she wants with.
As she ages and her mental faculties continue to decline if she makes bad choices you could become legal responsible for her expenses. You must protect yourself.

You can also meet with an attorney who specializes in elder law yourself without even involving your mom.

redatlanta

You mentioned your mom's forgetfulness, ho would you describe her mental state at this point? Does she have dementia, or any other physical issues that could be compounding her decisions?

Here is how I would handle this situation. IF your mom has issues that your sisters are taking advantage of in the way of taking advantage of dementia etc. I would go and see an an elder care attorney STAT. There are things that can be done to protect your mom from issues such as this.

If she does not have dementia and is just handing out funds to your sisters because its what she has always done, then me and mom would be having a talk. I have two very sick parents so I have become schooled in this arena (not having to deal with siblings taking from them though). You have allowed your mom to live with you and she is elderly. She should have seen an elder care attorney within the past couple of years to update her will and plan accordingly. Things like the medicare 'lookback" period and so forth become very important when reaching this age.

Of course we all hope our parents to live very long and healthy lives, but you have realistic about the possibilities that she could have something happen to her that could be a game changer. The medicare lookback that I reference is regarding pay down of an estate in order to qualify for medicaid. Medicare will not pay for nursing home facilities or long term care (and is limited to how much it will pay to in home nursing care if needed and so forth). If your mom were to have a heart attack, or stroke etc and need this type of care, medicaid which pays for it, will look at her finances for the past 7 years. If she has made any gifts or transfers of assets in that time that will factor in to medicaid picking up her up. For example if she gifted someone 10k, or 20k, or a house, or car the choice will become to either pay it back to the estate, or to WAIT the period of time they determine the amount equates to before they will enroll her.

Additionally, she needs to appoint a legal health surrogate as well as a POA to handle her finances should she become too ill to do so. YOU will not be held accountable for her medical bills under any circumstance even if she lives with you. That is a fallacious urban myth that many people think. (as a side note if you mom were to ever have to go to a long term health facility you could be asked to "cosign". Do NOT do this under any circumstances you CAN be held accountable. Its not illegal for them to ask for a co-signer, but it is also not necessary, and should have zero influence as to whether she goes).

Since she lives with you, naturally you should be aware of her financial planning and should have access to her funds, OR she should secure an outside administrator that does should she become incapacitated would be able to have access. Your alternative without that is going through the Court system to appoint a guardian which is very costly and time consuming.

This situation I think is uncomfortable for most people to discuss, but a necessity. You are in a precarious situation here - because if your mom is doing things that would disqualify her from long term care then living with you and being incapacitated while waiting for her to qualify might be what ends up happening. This is a fate worse than any alleged medical bill.

You need to know everything about your mothers financial situation - does she have a supplemental insurance policy along with medicare that picks up the 20%? Does she have other assets that can be liquified in the case of needing to? Our current health insurance situation is a joke. My parents do have supplemental insurance and their medical costs are exorbitant nonetheless. When my father had his stroke we had to employ a 24 hours caretaker for 3 months at a cost of $600 a DAY. My mother's chemo pills are 13k a month and only partially covered by insurance. Not even touching on things you don't think about like having to renovate a house to accommodate a handicap. We moved my parents onto a retirement campus as they could no longer care for themselves in the home. The entry fee alone was 170k and the rent is 4k a month. One would think this is a ritz carlton property and it is just a nice simple 800 sq foot apartment.

What would I do? If it were my parent this would be handled in a manner in which I was protected, and they were as well or they would have to move. No way would I sit back and watch my siblings and parent participate in actions that could leave me as a caretaker to a person who didn't give a sh!t about what happened to me because of their choices. Gotta plan! In as much as we would like to take care of our parents as they age the reality most of the time is their medical needs, especially after a serious illness or fall, will overcome the ability we have to take care of them.

Me and mom would be having a meeting yesterday.

honeypig

Redatlanta's post is right on, Radiant--there is a lot to think about and look into, and it's especially hard when the issues are clouded w/emotion, as they are bound to be in this situation. Please do seek legal help as soon as possible.

It's tough to look at someone who is so clearly helpless now and think "well, the choices she made throughout her life have landed her where she is at this point." However, that is the case, although of course dementia (if it's present) is another factor that changes the picture, and you may want to try to bear this in mind as you weave your way thru this complicated part of your life--what you can/should do to help, at what cost to yourself, is going to be a tricky equation to work out. Legal advice will probably help clarity this to a great extent.

I wish you strength and clarity to get thru it.

Pia

I've tried that many times it doesn't work. I was on her account and now she closed her checking account down and only has her savings.
I'm going to look into the lawyer thank you so much.

LexieCat

You're getting great advice here.

And one other thing to consider is that, as your mom's caretaker (which by law you are, most places), your failure to act if it appears she is being financially exploited could wind up putting YOU in legal hot water for "neglect."

I'd consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law ASAP, in addition to anything else you try to do. It may be that you are obligated to make some kind of report to Adult Protective Services so they can investigate. The lawyer should be able to advise you of what you must do. They can also help with the planning that red was talking about up there.

Hugs,

Pia

I lost everything I wrote to happybeingme, honeypig, redatlanta and emilynghiem,

I can not thank you enough for your advice. I talked to the doctor this week about her memory and it was kind of brushed under the table like she was too young but to watch it. Now I start to make a journal of her behavior. I took it as she was still healing from my dad passing. wow what an eye opener now.

Again- I can not thank everyone enough for responding to my OT question.