No Contact vs. Detachment
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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No Contact vs. Detachment
I have asked my drug addict ex-bf, not to contact me for two weeks while I take some time to work my Al-Anon/Naranon program. He relapsed about three weeks ago and has since left for Arizona to stay with his mom. We live in Los Angeles. I find that I am more at ease when I do not speak with him on the phone. I am always emotionally hungover after I get off the line with him. However, if he text messages me, or emails me, I am able to respond at my own pace and feel that the ball is more "in my court." I am detaching with love, but not shutting him off entirely. My sponsor is aware of what I am doing, but I was wondering if anyone had any experience in a similar situation?
Thank you!
Thank you!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
Yes! I am struggling so much in my attempts to go no contact. I've been able to avoid phone calls and in person meetings, but as you said its easier to be strong when you have time to think about your responses rather than just saying the first thing that pops into your head. Stay strong!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
My gf of 15 years Mrs sw moved out told me don't phone me il phone you il know when your ready
That changed the game for me she stayed away for months it was the biggest wake up call I've ever had I thought I had lost her
That changed the game for me she stayed away for months it was the biggest wake up call I've ever had I thought I had lost her
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"emotionally hung over" - I like that description - very suitable.
and yet we forget so quickly and answer even when we know that it will be more of the same. That's what convinced me that I was just as bad as my ABF and I would die just like he would if I did not work to save myself.
and yet we forget so quickly and answer even when we know that it will be more of the same. That's what convinced me that I was just as bad as my ABF and I would die just like he would if I did not work to save myself.
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I don't see us having a relationship in the near future, at the very least it would be several months down the line with serious commitment to his program and sincerity in his sobriety. Even then, I'm unsure I would be able to trust him again...I know this is the best decision for me (as well as for him) but, it is a hard habit to break. He's been my best friend & my partner.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
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When I had the urge to call him, I tried distraction first. If that didn't work, I'd call a friend instead. I went to meetings. I wrote in a journal. Went for a walk. Did something with my kids. Anything to just let the urge pass.
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Originally Posted by waitingforhope 
When I had the urge to call him, I tried distraction first. If that didn't work, I'd call a friend instead. I went to meetings. I wrote in a journal. Went for a walk. Did something with my kids. Anything to just let the urge pass.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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This is a question that I honestly dread answering because it requires the truth and I don't like to give an answer to people when they ask, that makes them fearful their feelings about the addict will not resolve in a length of time they feel they can get through, especially when it's only recently they've ended things and they are feeling vulnerable. For me personally, for a number of reasons specific to me, it took what seemed a long time. To permanently end the relationship completely from the time I was just fed up with tolerating life as it was, it took me 18 months from the time I separated from my husband to the time I filed for divorce. Honestly, I still loved my husband when I finally filed for divorce or at least thought I did. I had to go through the process of allowing logic to get control of my emotions. Whether or not to stay in my marriage had to become a matter of what is logical and reasonable, not a matter of how I wished things were. What I hoped for and wanted was an entirely different thing than what I actually had. But going through that process was so important now that I look back on it. The rationalizing, working through the urges to contact him, the setbacks, the small steps forward.......all of that was so necessary and now I'm actually thankful for that and how I've grown from it. I wish I could save everyone on here who loves an addict from having to experience what I did and yet at the same time I know they must go through the hard stuff to completely conquer it and truly move on. It really was baby steps. One thing at a time I did working towards my own recovery and improving my own life for my kids and myself that built up to the point that things became too good to continue giving him the power to come back in with all the stress and chaos and uncertainty he brings along with him. It was also a very deliberate process. I specifically had a plan for dealing with things such as when I felt sad and had the urge to call him for instance. I wrote down a page of other things I could do instead of call him to remind myself. It sounds crazy but for me, having a deliberate plan to deal with the things I know are triggers for me really helped. People laugh when I tell them about it but ultimately making my healing a primary goal and having a plan helped me more than anything and I've seen it help so many other people.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think it all depends on what your end goal really is. You asked him NOT to contact you for 2 weeks, he texts and emails which is NOT respecting your wishes, you replying to those messages is not respecting your own wishes as well which brings me back to – what was your end goal with no contact for 2 weeks?
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Originally Posted by atalose
I think it all depends on what your end goal really is. You asked him NOT to contact you for 2 weeks, he texts and emails which is NOT respecting your wishes, you replying to those messages is not respecting your own wishes as well which brings me back to – what was your end goal with no contact for 2 weeks?
I think you're confused by my post. He has not reached out to me since I implemented NC last week. Prior to me emailing him asking for NC, we had been in contact after our break up.
I set the boundary last Friday and have since not heard, nor spoken to him. However, his mother contacted me this weekend. (sigh)
I need these two weeks to really process everything that I've encountered in the last month.
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Gottcha!!! I’ve always found the no contact was a blessing because it initially helped me to step away from the chaos catch my breath and see things I was unable to see while in the mist of it all.
I was able to clearly see that he was using long before I caught on to it and he confessed.
Which then allowed me to clearly see all of his lies and manipulations that had been going on for months and months.
We all must travel down this road ourselves, experience the hurt and disappointment that comes with a relationship with an A. Me and others could tell you no contact is the best and healthiest thing you could do for you. Move forward and away from this because usually there are never any happy endings with an A. BUT we all must come to that conclusion on our own at our own pace.
There certainly are distinct similarities with A’s but it takes us the loved ones to truly see them because we always thing our situation is unique and not like others. But eventually we do see the things we desperately didn’t’ want to see while trying anything and everything to hold onto someone we felt a strong love to.
Keep reading the stickies, try and stay no contact and maybe find a support group in your area like al-anon or nar-anon and if you really find yourself completely obsessed with him and the relationship than explore codependency and maybe reach out for some counseling.
I was able to clearly see that he was using long before I caught on to it and he confessed.
Which then allowed me to clearly see all of his lies and manipulations that had been going on for months and months.
We all must travel down this road ourselves, experience the hurt and disappointment that comes with a relationship with an A. Me and others could tell you no contact is the best and healthiest thing you could do for you. Move forward and away from this because usually there are never any happy endings with an A. BUT we all must come to that conclusion on our own at our own pace.
There certainly are distinct similarities with A’s but it takes us the loved ones to truly see them because we always thing our situation is unique and not like others. But eventually we do see the things we desperately didn’t’ want to see while trying anything and everything to hold onto someone we felt a strong love to.
Keep reading the stickies, try and stay no contact and maybe find a support group in your area like al-anon or nar-anon and if you really find yourself completely obsessed with him and the relationship than explore codependency and maybe reach out for some counseling.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by Charioteer
Yes! I am struggling so much in my attempts to go no contact. I've been able to avoid phone calls and in person meetings, but as you said its easier to be strong when you have time to think about your responses rather than just saying the first thing that pops into your head. Stay strong!
Hope you're doing well! Thank you for the kind words. Hope your NC is going alright.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by atalose
Gottcha!!! I’ve always found the no contact was a blessing because it initially helped me to step away from the chaos catch my breath and see things I was unable to see while in the mist of it all.
I was able to clearly see that he was using long before I caught on to it and he confessed.
Which then allowed me to clearly see all of his lies and manipulations that had been going on for months and months.
We all must travel down this road ourselves, experience the hurt and disappointment that comes with a relationship with an A. Me and others could tell you no contact is the best and healthiest thing you could do for you. Move forward and away from this because usually there are never any happy endings with an A. BUT we all must come to that conclusion on our own at our own pace.
There certainly are distinct similarities with A’s but it takes us the loved ones to truly see them because we always thing our situation is unique and not like others. But eventually we do see the things we desperately didn’t’ want to see while trying anything and everything to hold onto someone we felt a strong love to.
Keep reading the stickies, try and stay no contact and maybe find a support group in your area like al-anon or nar-anon and if you really find yourself completely obsessed with him and the relationship than explore codependency and maybe reach out for some counseling.
I was able to clearly see that he was using long before I caught on to it and he confessed.
Which then allowed me to clearly see all of his lies and manipulations that had been going on for months and months.
We all must travel down this road ourselves, experience the hurt and disappointment that comes with a relationship with an A. Me and others could tell you no contact is the best and healthiest thing you could do for you. Move forward and away from this because usually there are never any happy endings with an A. BUT we all must come to that conclusion on our own at our own pace.
There certainly are distinct similarities with A’s but it takes us the loved ones to truly see them because we always thing our situation is unique and not like others. But eventually we do see the things we desperately didn’t’ want to see while trying anything and everything to hold onto someone we felt a strong love to.
Keep reading the stickies, try and stay no contact and maybe find a support group in your area like al-anon or nar-anon and if you really find yourself completely obsessed with him and the relationship than explore codependency and maybe reach out for some counseling.
Thanks for writing back. That's exactly how I feel, this NC is allowing me to step back and take a breather. It's really refreshing actually to not have the constant angst of worry shadowing me all day at work..scared to what I may come home to. At the same time, I am missing the companionship (and habit really) of having him at home, waiting for me, watching TV, laughing together, etc.
I attend alanon meetings weekly. In fact, I led my meeting last night.
It was pretty nerve wrecking, and I jumbled so many words (and cried) 
but, it was very therapeutic. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow to go over my step work too. In hindsight, I believe I knew he was using. It was my own denial that really prevented me from opening my eyes entirely to it.
I'm staying strong, but I'd be lying if I said that it was easy. I know that this is what I need to do, I'm doing my absolute best, but sometimes even that doesn't feel like it's nearly enough. I miss him. (And I'm using this space to vent, not to say that I will break my NC and contact him...) Reading so many of these threads actually makes me really sad. Sometimes I find strength from it, and other times I feel like it triggers my fears.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by waitingforhope
This is a question that I honestly dread answering because it requires the truth and I don't like to give an answer to people when they ask, that makes them fearful their feelings about the addict will not resolve in a length of time they feel they can get through, especially when it's only recently they've ended things and they are feeling vulnerable. For me personally, for a number of reasons specific to me, it took what seemed a long time. To permanently end the relationship completely from the time I was just fed up with tolerating life as it was, it took me 18 months from the time I separated from my husband to the time I filed for divorce. Honestly, I still loved my husband when I finally filed for divorce or at least thought I did. I had to go through the process of allowing logic to get control of my emotions. Whether or not to stay in my marriage had to become a matter of what is logical and reasonable, not a matter of how I wished things were. What I hoped for and wanted was an entirely different thing than what I actually had. But going through that process was so important now that I look back on it. The rationalizing, working through the urges to contact him, the setbacks, the small steps forward.......all of that was so necessary and now I'm actually thankful for that and how I've grown from it. I wish I could save everyone on here who loves an addict from having to experience what I did and yet at the same time I know they must go through the hard stuff to completely conquer it and truly move on. It really was baby steps. One thing at a time I did working towards my own recovery and improving my own life for my kids and myself that built up to the point that things became too good to continue giving him the power to come back in with all the stress and chaos and uncertainty he brings along with him. It was also a very deliberate process. I specifically had a plan for dealing with things such as when I felt sad and had the urge to call him for instance. I wrote down a page of other things I could do instead of call him to remind myself. It sounds crazy but for me, having a deliberate plan to deal with the things I know are triggers for me really helped. People laugh when I tell them about it but ultimately making my healing a primary goal and having a plan helped me more than anything and I've seen it help so many other people.
Thank you for your candor and honesty. Sending you love and healing prayers.
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