Help me break the chains of codependency!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Help me break the chains of codependency!
I thought I would never be "that one" to write in a message board about her highly functional alcoholic husband. In a way, I think I was in denial as much as he, but today I feel a sense of sadness, because I want to break the chains - finally.
I grew up in Romania during communism and had several family members as alcoholics. I immigrated to Canada at a young age with my family and went through some tough times, losing my mom to cancer, going through my own partying days... Getting married once, divorced... Dating again... Getting married again...
I knew from the beginning of the relationship that he had issues with alcohol, but I hoped, like anyone else that things would change, after all, who am I to judge, I had my own skeletons in my closet, so I want to do everything I can to keep this marriage together. Anything. Including destroy my confidence and self esteem.
I wanted to show myself that I too, can love, unconditionally, and that it's me that is the controlling person, that I should be the one more understanding, that he might go overboard because of me.
We got married and had a son, my life my everything. Throughout my entire life, I somehow managed to take care of myself, and managed to build a good career in computers. After my son was born, my husband started partying while I was sleeping, yet still being able to hold his job and be a good father to our son.
We decided to live in Mexico for a while, to give our son a fun childhood and I was hoping that maybe this would motivate him to live a healthier life. I sacrificed my life, my career, my friends and everything to come here and we decided I would be a stay at home mom until I build my own business. As you can see, my level of codependency has gotten worse and worse where in the last year, I have felt useless and scared to leave because of no money, in a country I can't legally work. I lost all my motivation to build my online web design business and I am often exhausted from even living.
He doesn't lose control every day, but when he does, he blows all his money, parties hard and blacks out. Everytime that happens, he tells me this opened his eyes, he doesn't want to lose his family and this was everything he needed in order to change. He does... For 1-3 months.
During these months, I work hard on myself to get my emotional energy back, motivation to continue with my business and just try to get some sleep without nightmares.
But the cycle never ends and I am exhausted. Exhausted and sad. I want out and these last two days have been my light.
He decided on a weeknight to watch a poker tournament and told me he would be home in an hour. He returned at 4am, wasted. He told me he understands he made a mistake and that he knows he shouldn't do this on a week night, he was just having fun. He said he wants to make me happy and that we will have a great weekend. Then he kissed me goodnight and told me he is going to the bank to take out money so we can pay the rent.
He returned this morning at 9:30am, incoherent, with an empty wallet.
I am very good at what I do, I love web design and I love working hard, but I feel like I just don't give a **** to even work on myself anymore. I hate myself for losing all my strength to take my son out of this mess and start a new life. My husband is never going to change (this has happened too many times, with too many broken promises, too much debt and too much pain). He told me he doesn't have a problem, and I need to stop being so controlling.
I want my old self back. I want to be successful in my business, I want my discipline back and I want out of this, but I feel I am chained to this situation.
I really loved my husband, but I feel it's time I love myself as well, but I have no idea where to start.
I have been through so much all my life and I am disappointed I can't figure a way out of this.
I grew up in Romania during communism and had several family members as alcoholics. I immigrated to Canada at a young age with my family and went through some tough times, losing my mom to cancer, going through my own partying days... Getting married once, divorced... Dating again... Getting married again...
I knew from the beginning of the relationship that he had issues with alcohol, but I hoped, like anyone else that things would change, after all, who am I to judge, I had my own skeletons in my closet, so I want to do everything I can to keep this marriage together. Anything. Including destroy my confidence and self esteem.
I wanted to show myself that I too, can love, unconditionally, and that it's me that is the controlling person, that I should be the one more understanding, that he might go overboard because of me.
We got married and had a son, my life my everything. Throughout my entire life, I somehow managed to take care of myself, and managed to build a good career in computers. After my son was born, my husband started partying while I was sleeping, yet still being able to hold his job and be a good father to our son.
We decided to live in Mexico for a while, to give our son a fun childhood and I was hoping that maybe this would motivate him to live a healthier life. I sacrificed my life, my career, my friends and everything to come here and we decided I would be a stay at home mom until I build my own business. As you can see, my level of codependency has gotten worse and worse where in the last year, I have felt useless and scared to leave because of no money, in a country I can't legally work. I lost all my motivation to build my online web design business and I am often exhausted from even living.
He doesn't lose control every day, but when he does, he blows all his money, parties hard and blacks out. Everytime that happens, he tells me this opened his eyes, he doesn't want to lose his family and this was everything he needed in order to change. He does... For 1-3 months.
During these months, I work hard on myself to get my emotional energy back, motivation to continue with my business and just try to get some sleep without nightmares.
But the cycle never ends and I am exhausted. Exhausted and sad. I want out and these last two days have been my light.
He decided on a weeknight to watch a poker tournament and told me he would be home in an hour. He returned at 4am, wasted. He told me he understands he made a mistake and that he knows he shouldn't do this on a week night, he was just having fun. He said he wants to make me happy and that we will have a great weekend. Then he kissed me goodnight and told me he is going to the bank to take out money so we can pay the rent.
He returned this morning at 9:30am, incoherent, with an empty wallet.
I am very good at what I do, I love web design and I love working hard, but I feel like I just don't give a **** to even work on myself anymore. I hate myself for losing all my strength to take my son out of this mess and start a new life. My husband is never going to change (this has happened too many times, with too many broken promises, too much debt and too much pain). He told me he doesn't have a problem, and I need to stop being so controlling.
I want my old self back. I want to be successful in my business, I want my discipline back and I want out of this, but I feel I am chained to this situation.
I really loved my husband, but I feel it's time I love myself as well, but I have no idea where to start.
I have been through so much all my life and I am disappointed I can't figure a way out of this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Are you a U.S. citizen? I don't know what resources might be available in Mexico (I take it you are still there). Can you legally live/work in the U.S.? There are many resources available here to help you--many programs that can help women who have been out of the workforce get back on their feet.
You might want to consult an attorney who can advise you of how you might make out in a divorce, as well as advise you on any immigration issues you have. How old is your son now? Is he grown or still at home?
There are always solutions. Sometimes it takes some work to identify them and put them into action.
You might also look into the availability of Al-Anon where you are. It's helped many of us regain our sanity as we figure out how we want our lives to look.
You might want to consult an attorney who can advise you of how you might make out in a divorce, as well as advise you on any immigration issues you have. How old is your son now? Is he grown or still at home?
There are always solutions. Sometimes it takes some work to identify them and put them into action.
You might also look into the availability of Al-Anon where you are. It's helped many of us regain our sanity as we figure out how we want our lives to look.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
My son is almost 3, we are Canadian citizens, we actually travel to Canada every 4-5 months (husband works for a Canadian company and when I do websites, my clients are also back home in Canada. My business is registered in Canada, so I can continue to pay my taxes there.
I have actually been searching for an Al-Anon group here, I speak 4 languages, so even a Spanish one would be great. I am scared and ashamed to go, but I need to, I feel so alone.
I have actually been searching for an Al-Anon group here, I speak 4 languages, so even a Spanish one would be great. I am scared and ashamed to go, but I need to, I feel so alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm glad that you reached out. I didn't for a really long time. I felt like it was my shame to deal with. IDK, moving you to a country that you can't work in, that sounds a little like trying to isolate you. Just know that we are here for you. I really don't know anything about Mexico. Canada I think has better resources.
Like I said, here for you, and thank you for reaching out.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Like I said, here for you, and thank you for reaching out.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
It was my decision actually. We live in Riviera Maya, which is full of ex pats and international schools. I was able to locate 5 meetings in my town.
I have waited almost 10 years to reach out and even now, I am ashamed. I am so ashamed, I don't even know how I can find the strength to show my face at these meetings.
I have waited almost 10 years to reach out and even now, I am ashamed. I am so ashamed, I don't even know how I can find the strength to show my face at these meetings.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think finding an Al-Anon group would be an excellent first step to NOT feeling ashamed or alone anymore. You will meet many warm, wonderful, caring people who know EXACTLY how you feel. Do you have friends and family in Canada that you could stay with, if you choose to relocate? Just on a temporary basis.
It might sound as if I'm suggesting you have to leave him, which isn't the case, but it sounds as if you might have more support and opportunities back in Canada. Your son's childhood won't be "fun" in Mexico or anywhere else with an active alcoholic for a father, and a miserable, depressed mother.
Could you consider taking a trip back home to visit with friends or family and give yourself a break?
It might sound as if I'm suggesting you have to leave him, which isn't the case, but it sounds as if you might have more support and opportunities back in Canada. Your son's childhood won't be "fun" in Mexico or anywhere else with an active alcoholic for a father, and a miserable, depressed mother.
Could you consider taking a trip back home to visit with friends or family and give yourself a break?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
We just came back from visiting canada 3 weeks ago, it was just my son and I and we actually couldn't wait to go back here. He has friends here, he absolutely loves his school and I have some real solid friends here too. Canada as well, of course.
Where I am going with this is that, I feel more comfortable continuing here than going back. I know if I actually put in the work, I can totally support myself and my son, comfortably.
I just feel numb and lazy and it's very hard for me to admit that. Almost like it's so much easier to live like this than anything else.
I think what I meant about alone is alone in the sense that I don't know how to put my plan into action.
Where I am going with this is that, I feel more comfortable continuing here than going back. I know if I actually put in the work, I can totally support myself and my son, comfortably.
I just feel numb and lazy and it's very hard for me to admit that. Almost like it's so much easier to live like this than anything else.
I think what I meant about alone is alone in the sense that I don't know how to put my plan into action.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You don't have anything to be ashamed of.
Like Lexie said - everyone at those meetings understands. You will find so much support and hope there - and in here.
I felt the same way, mainly shame at staying so long, but I am working on that. We do the best we can, and make our decisions as they come. Every day is a new day - there is no shame in wanting to get better.
(((HUGS)))
Like Lexie said - everyone at those meetings understands. You will find so much support and hope there - and in here.
I felt the same way, mainly shame at staying so long, but I am working on that. We do the best we can, and make our decisions as they come. Every day is a new day - there is no shame in wanting to get better.
(((HUGS)))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, if you want to stay put and get strong, now is the time to begin!
You said above that your son is 3, but that he has friends and loves his school? Is he 3, or was that a typo? Just wondering about "school"--is that a nursery school/preschool?
Either way, it's good that you won't need childcare for your meetings. If you feel scared to walk in by yourself, try calling the main number for Al-Anon there, and maybe someone can go with you to your first meeting. I think you'll be surprised how much better you feel to be with others who understand.
You said above that your son is 3, but that he has friends and loves his school? Is he 3, or was that a typo? Just wondering about "school"--is that a nursery school/preschool?
Either way, it's good that you won't need childcare for your meetings. If you feel scared to walk in by yourself, try calling the main number for Al-Anon there, and maybe someone can go with you to your first meeting. I think you'll be surprised how much better you feel to be with others who understand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Hehe yes, 3. The school system is different here where school really means kindergarten, they actually learn to read and write by 5. (Education is one of the reasons why we are here).
Also, I can bring him with me to the meetings as well, the society is very child-friendly here.
Also, I can bring him with me to the meetings as well, the society is very child-friendly here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Soulful 
My son is almost 3, we are Canadian citizens, we actually travel to Canada every 4-5 months (husband works for a Canadian company and when I do websites, my clients are also back home in Canada. My business is registered in Canada, so I can continue to pay my taxes there.
I have actually been searching for an Al-Anon group here, I speak 4 languages, so even a Spanish one would be great. I am scared and ashamed to go, but I need to, I feel so alone.
I have actually been searching for an Al-Anon group here, I speak 4 languages, so even a Spanish one would be great. I am scared and ashamed to go, but I need to, I feel so alone.
I hope and pray you find that same healing and peace, as it can totally turn your life and family around into more than you imagined. Worse people have been transformed into totally new personalities, where you wouldn't even recognize them before and after. More love, grace and blessings to you. You surely have the wealth of talents you have because you are meant to do great things with them. Thank you for that in advance, I know you will succeed and be much happier in the future. This is just a bump in the road, to force you to stop and ask directions. And after you know what to do, your life will take off again and all thing will work out, just wait and see. Love and peace, yours truly, Emily
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Thank you so much Emily, I sent you a PM. 
My first meeting is next Thu, which seems like a lifetime from now.
My husband has been binging since Wed night now. He goes out, drinks and returns the next morning.
Truthfully this has been his worse binge, since he usually goes one night and then he is good for another 2 months or so. This time has been 3 days straight. He got home at 6:30am and went straight to his bed (we haven't sleeping together for almost 2 years now, I co sleep with my son). I went to check on him and asked him what is going on, he said he is scared of seeing me, and he is drinking because of that. It really makes no sense with me, if he knows it is ruining our relationship, why continue doing it and why is this my fault?
I feel such sense of responsibility, but I know I am codependent to him and deep down inside, I know it's not my fault. I told him I am worried about him and left him be, but I can't forget him telling me he is scared of me, so he stays out and drinks.
My first meeting is next Thu, which seems like a lifetime from now.
My husband has been binging since Wed night now. He goes out, drinks and returns the next morning.
Truthfully this has been his worse binge, since he usually goes one night and then he is good for another 2 months or so. This time has been 3 days straight. He got home at 6:30am and went straight to his bed (we haven't sleeping together for almost 2 years now, I co sleep with my son). I went to check on him and asked him what is going on, he said he is scared of seeing me, and he is drinking because of that. It really makes no sense with me, if he knows it is ruining our relationship, why continue doing it and why is this my fault?
I feel such sense of responsibility, but I know I am codependent to him and deep down inside, I know it's not my fault. I told him I am worried about him and left him be, but I can't forget him telling me he is scared of me, so he stays out and drinks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey Soulful,
I think you are looking at the which can first thing. The chicken or the egg. Seems like he does a lot of the "blame game". My ex did this also. He had my head so screwed up. He wouldn't be drinking and going out so much if I wasn't such a nag about it, well I wouldn't have been a nag about it, if he wasn't going out so much, drinking. To tell you the truth though, I wasn't even a nag about it. I just wanted a phone call so that I would know not to hold dinner for him.
We went to this psychologist this one time, and he actually told this person, that he gets "mad" if I am upset. Psychologist told him that is so messed up, that he should be able to listen to me if I am upset, and that we could then work things out. My ex didn't want to hear any of that. He just wanted to get "mad" if I was upset. This allowed him in his mind to go out and get drunk anytime he wanted to.
What was funny in a way, but also sad, even if I didn't say anything at all, he would get mad at me as he was leaving the bar, because he knew I would be upset when he came home 3 or 4 days later.
I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Just know that none of this is your fault. Happy that you are reaching out.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I think you are looking at the which can first thing. The chicken or the egg. Seems like he does a lot of the "blame game". My ex did this also. He had my head so screwed up. He wouldn't be drinking and going out so much if I wasn't such a nag about it, well I wouldn't have been a nag about it, if he wasn't going out so much, drinking. To tell you the truth though, I wasn't even a nag about it. I just wanted a phone call so that I would know not to hold dinner for him.
We went to this psychologist this one time, and he actually told this person, that he gets "mad" if I am upset. Psychologist told him that is so messed up, that he should be able to listen to me if I am upset, and that we could then work things out. My ex didn't want to hear any of that. He just wanted to get "mad" if I was upset. This allowed him in his mind to go out and get drunk anytime he wanted to.
What was funny in a way, but also sad, even if I didn't say anything at all, he would get mad at me as he was leaving the bar, because he knew I would be upset when he came home 3 or 4 days later.
I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Just know that none of this is your fault. Happy that you are reaching out.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
I think that we have all been at the point where we blamed ourselves for the drinking. "If I had just done this....", ""If I ignore the behavior, it will get better." I can tell you from experience that if you "fix that one thing" that makes them drink, they will have another reason quicker then you can believe. He is going to make his choices...for better or for worse...when he is ready. Nothing that you do or don't do will change that.
I'm so glad that you reached out. There is no reason to feel shame. None of this is your fault. I know it can feel embarrassing and you can feel defeated because you can't fix it. I look at it this way though...if someone has cancer, can you fix it through anything you do or don't do? Can you love them enough to make it go away? We can't (and almost all of us have tried). He is putting you through enough unhappiness right now, don't go adding more to your plate yourself.
Hugs to you...keep posting. Talking about is amazingly helpful!
I'm so glad that you reached out. There is no reason to feel shame. None of this is your fault. I know it can feel embarrassing and you can feel defeated because you can't fix it. I look at it this way though...if someone has cancer, can you fix it through anything you do or don't do? Can you love them enough to make it go away? We can't (and almost all of us have tried). He is putting you through enough unhappiness right now, don't go adding more to your plate yourself.
Hugs to you...keep posting. Talking about is amazingly helpful!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
He came home last night around 1:30am, sober. Sober-ish.
He said he knew I would be mad, so he wanted to stay away from me.
What I don't understand is, why continue to drink, gamble and be ridiculous for 3 days straight if you know I am mad? I find that as excuse just to continue partying, because it's so much fun for him.
I told him I am glad he is safe, and that I don't want to talk about this. I told him his son has been asking constantly about him and it makes me really sad he doesn't understand what he is doing is not healthy. I told him our marriage is done and that I know I have said this a million times before, and I am not interested if he believes me or not, I believe myself.
I told him I plan to leave by November, because I want to make sure I can take care of myself and our kid.
He just kept saying how all he did was play a little poker and drank a little bit, what's the big deal?
I didn't want to hear it anymore, so I told him we can talk about this in couple of days.
I said good night and that I love him. I told him I am sorry he never liked the fact that I chose not to work for a while, that it felt really nice to be taken care of and I thought staying at home with my son wouldn't make him resent me so much. He said he never did and that never bothered him, but to be honest, I only said that for me.
I have worked all my life, since I was 15 years old and I just wanted to take a break and raise our son, so I think I needed to tell him that so I can release myself from constantly feeling guilty about it and forgive myself.
That was the extend of the conversation.
He said: don't worry, I am done going out, so tomorrow everything will be normal. I suppose this is his normal - binging, and then working hard at fixing the broken glass for couple of months until he feels the urge to do it again.
I know that and I will use that time wisely to get ready to move out.
I feel excited in a way... To leave him. I am not scared, not anymore.
I am sad and broken hearted because I loved him so much. Still do. But I know I deserve to be free of this, I deserve to be strong and happy. I wanted to keep this marriage together because I already failed at one (ironically the first marriage wasn't even remotely this hard to end, it was amicable and we are still friends). Because I come from a broken home.
Because he told me many times I have experience with ruining marriages and that I don't know what it means to stay together, because his family is together and somehow that makes him better than me.
He comes from a Muslim home (although he was born in Canada and he never followed the religion). His parents do and I understand the dynamic of his environment. He wasn't allowed to do much and when he finally moved out on his own (at 27, mind you), he let loose. Really loose.
I have my own skeletons in my closet. I made a ton of mistakes in my life and I am sure I still do, things that I often use to beat myself up for failing yet another marriage.
I love my son more than my life and I just don't want him to go through this anymore. Last night he was telling me that daddy is gone, he isn't coming home anymore and that he is mad at him, that is why he isn't home.
This innocent little man is paying the biggest price and no matter how imperfect I am, no matter how lazy I have been about working, or whatever I haven't done... I know I have been a good mom to him and I need to do the right thing and get him out of this toxic nonsense.
I am so sad, so angry, but I am ready to work hard to move on.
I don't really get so deep with my friends about all this, I too feel burden to talk to them about this, so I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read this.
He said he knew I would be mad, so he wanted to stay away from me.
What I don't understand is, why continue to drink, gamble and be ridiculous for 3 days straight if you know I am mad? I find that as excuse just to continue partying, because it's so much fun for him.
I told him I am glad he is safe, and that I don't want to talk about this. I told him his son has been asking constantly about him and it makes me really sad he doesn't understand what he is doing is not healthy. I told him our marriage is done and that I know I have said this a million times before, and I am not interested if he believes me or not, I believe myself.
I told him I plan to leave by November, because I want to make sure I can take care of myself and our kid.
He just kept saying how all he did was play a little poker and drank a little bit, what's the big deal?
I didn't want to hear it anymore, so I told him we can talk about this in couple of days.
I said good night and that I love him. I told him I am sorry he never liked the fact that I chose not to work for a while, that it felt really nice to be taken care of and I thought staying at home with my son wouldn't make him resent me so much. He said he never did and that never bothered him, but to be honest, I only said that for me.
I have worked all my life, since I was 15 years old and I just wanted to take a break and raise our son, so I think I needed to tell him that so I can release myself from constantly feeling guilty about it and forgive myself.
That was the extend of the conversation.
He said: don't worry, I am done going out, so tomorrow everything will be normal. I suppose this is his normal - binging, and then working hard at fixing the broken glass for couple of months until he feels the urge to do it again.
I know that and I will use that time wisely to get ready to move out.
I feel excited in a way... To leave him. I am not scared, not anymore.
I am sad and broken hearted because I loved him so much. Still do. But I know I deserve to be free of this, I deserve to be strong and happy. I wanted to keep this marriage together because I already failed at one (ironically the first marriage wasn't even remotely this hard to end, it was amicable and we are still friends). Because I come from a broken home.
Because he told me many times I have experience with ruining marriages and that I don't know what it means to stay together, because his family is together and somehow that makes him better than me.
He comes from a Muslim home (although he was born in Canada and he never followed the religion). His parents do and I understand the dynamic of his environment. He wasn't allowed to do much and when he finally moved out on his own (at 27, mind you), he let loose. Really loose.
I have my own skeletons in my closet. I made a ton of mistakes in my life and I am sure I still do, things that I often use to beat myself up for failing yet another marriage.
I love my son more than my life and I just don't want him to go through this anymore. Last night he was telling me that daddy is gone, he isn't coming home anymore and that he is mad at him, that is why he isn't home.
This innocent little man is paying the biggest price and no matter how imperfect I am, no matter how lazy I have been about working, or whatever I haven't done... I know I have been a good mom to him and I need to do the right thing and get him out of this toxic nonsense.
I am so sad, so angry, but I am ready to work hard to move on.
I don't really get so deep with my friends about all this, I too feel burden to talk to them about this, so I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read this.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
Please try to understand that your husband while drinking has a difficult time having a real authentic relationship with anyone. If he is still blaming you for drinking he is nowhere close to being able to see that he is an alcoholic. Please attend Alanon and read on this site. Food for thought, through therapy I realized that some of the shame I had about my ex's alcoholism was my own shame about being a poor immigrant and coming from a dysfunctional family. You have come so far and are a survivor, you will succeed. Please take care of yourself and your son.
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