thequest

Finally most in the family agree the alkie/addict has a problem. Prolonged unemployment accompanied by excuses & stories has done more than seeing them fall down drunk or high at gatherings.

Problem is some don't know what to do next or don't want to treat them with honesty fearing they will tip them over the edge.

Personally I don't think tip toeing around the issue is going to help anyone. They don't have to lecture or berate but I think the alkie/addict needs to be called out more on lies, stories, excuses and yes even if a holiday or come down on excessive drinking.

How to take them from the realization or acceptance of a problem to advocating help or simply saying NO and/or parting ways is my question. Convincing the family who was naïve or in denial for decades to realize enabling his drinking is no good and call him out even more on his stories or doing something wrong about his money & job situation instead of it's not your fault sympathy.

Ann

I was a mama in denial, not about the fact my son was addicted to drugs, that was obvious and I think I knew it before even he did, but I was and remained in denial of how bad it really was.

My son who had always been respectful and caring, lied to us, stole from us, lied about that and stole again, overdosed 2 times, turned our home into a war zone, and eventually caused us to be afraid of him and what he might to...and I thought it wasn't "that bad".

It was, and worse.

How did I face reality and finally find help for myself? Meetings, for me it was CoDA and Al-anon, and coming here each day (for over 13 years now) to reclaim my sanity and find a healthier, happier way to live...regardless of how my son is/was doing.

If your question is "how can we make the family see all this" the answer is that you can't, anymore than you can change the addicted loved one. You can "suggest" they try meetings and read helpful books like "Codependent No More", and pray for them, as we pray for the addict.

I was a slow learner, it took me a long time to hit my own bottom and realize that I had a problem as big as my son's, and I needed to find help.

When you show someone where help is, even if they don't take it at least they will remember when the time comes to reach out. But you cannot and will not convince any mama I know that she needs to let go, it's the hardest thing any mama will ever do and we have to do it when we do it.

This may not be the answer you were looking for but it comes first hand from a mama who has been there, done ALL that and designed the T-shirt.

Hugs

thequest

Thanks for the input it absolutely does help.

I think the denial or question from many family and hopefully some of his friends is do they steer him towards rehab or steer away from him by detaching ,breaking ties or not enabling/tolerating his bad behavior.

The two biggest things I see now is direct enabling by tolerating drunken or high behavior in everyone else's presence. And more enabling by not calling him out on lies and stealing. He has been recently caught stealing and told them you have to at least let him know you know. By ignoring it he the alkie/addict looks at you as a idiot or someone that doesn't care and will do it again or more aggressively.

The first hurdle is over but as you said denial is still the biggest obstacle and here there is denial that more stern/definative responses to his actions are needed.

Stay Well. Stay around to impart your wisdom and experiences.

Thanks again!

Ann

The only thing steering an active addict is his/her need for more drugs,

The whole point of getting help for my codependency was to realize that nothing I did, said or threatened would steer my son to sobriety. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Detaching with love means we no longer have to decide whether to confront about stealing or live as a victim. It means we stop trying to control what is not ours to control, another human being, and we give them the dignity to find their own way and make their own decisions...however bad those decisions may be.

I used to fear my son living on the street until one day, at a time of sobriety, he told me that the street often led him to detox and rehab and another try at getting out of the hellhole of addiction.

I pray for my son and live my life in gratitude that God has us both in His care.

Hugs

JOIE12

Thank you Ann - this is the base for our own recovery as well as the addict. We are slow learners because we are compassionate and loving. I just try to remember that we would hate anyone putting something into our child's body that was killing them and enabling any other addict is tantamount to killing them slowly.

Love aside - that is the most disgusting thing that I could have ever helped with. I hate admitting that one way or another and addict can manipulate anyone into this place. But once we face it and understand that the relationship is impossible - we are on a path of our own.

Thank you. Much love and hugs to you for saving yourself and allowing your son to make his own life - his choice. Mr. Ann needs you too and all of us here on SR.

Ann

Thanks Joie, I need you all too.