allthatsgood

It was five years ago this month that I discovered my son was using/addicted to heroin. Although many things have changed over these past 5 years, one thing has not. To this day, I still can't believe I did not see or know that he was involved with drugs . I found a syringe in a laundry basket - that's how I found out. Ever since then, I continue to think , well I didn't know what was going on right under my nose then, maybe I don't know what's going on now. I guess the bottom line is I haven't learned to trust myself or him. He has had long stretches of sobriety followed by a few relapses which thankfully did not last long. I recognized when he relapsed but then again I was not 100% sure. I believe he is sober but then my mind says wait a minute ...remember what got past you before. Is there anyone else who has felt this way ? If so , how did you turn your mindset around.

NSH

My sister has been an addict darn near her whole life. A number of years ago, she began abusing heroine and now she is in prison because of it. Prior to her going to prison, I (privately) constantly second-guessed her claim of sobriety. I grasp how you feel having been duped in the past and have zero clue how to turn my mindset around and actually believe the words coming out of her mouth since I was lied repeatedly regarding her using/non-using status. I too would be interested in reading responses of people who have turned their mindset around since I haven't managed to do so myself.

Chino

I stopped focusing on the addiction and instead concentrated on behaviors. If what is going on between my daughter and me is good and balanced, then that's what I look at. If it's bad, then I walk away until balanced is restored.

Turtleneckie117

I wish I knew how to get past it as well. My son abused alcohol for a few years and had stopped but I fear relapse. I can't go down this road again. He has so much to lose.

MyJoey

Well only thing I can add is if they aren't working the program, chances are when the mouth opens its all lies. All that's good my son is a heavy heroin user, I could tell every time he was using. He is facing jail now and not using heroin but he is using something this I know. Can't tell you for sure what but call it a mothers instinct I know. If he lives in your home do random test, you can buy them fairly cheap online.

Anaya

Hello, allthatsgood. Hope your day is going well.

My son has not lived in our home for well over a year and I do not see him much. However, when I do see him and hear comments he makes, I start to wonder if he is still using drugs and/or continuing with manipulating. Then I reel myself in. I remind myself (sometimes more than once) to keep my boundaries in place and to focus on myself.

dorton

I know exactly how you feel. I no longer trust either myself or my son. We have had a good two years but tonight my trust is shaken. All because he "went for a walk" after I went to bed. Now I'm back to all the old insecurities. I really wish I had an answer for both of us.

allthatsgood

Thank you everyone for responding to my post and apologies for not saying thank you sooner. Guess when it comes down to it, there's no easy answer to what ails us. Maybe it's acceptance of our circumstances that helps us to get through? Speaking about my own circumstances, it's still hard accepting the reality of my son's addiction. There has not been any signs, or behavior that points to him using but only my own continued suspicions . And rightly or wrongly he is not working a program. He is trying to live his life like he never had a problem. I just don't know,

dorton

The thing that worries me the most is that my son is also not working a program. I think I wouldn't worry so much if I felt he was actively working a program. I just try to tell myself that all the worrying in the world won't change the decisions he will make. Peace to you.

Wishful04

I have constantly second guessed myself...or rather been advised that I "need" to trust. Need to focus on the positive/changes more.

Of course I started to try to do that in an ok instead of he can't/won't remain clean for more than 2.5-5 months to say well he's "only relapsed twice
In the past 11 months"....only to get hit with a positive
Hair test for meth &
Cocaine.

My counsellor was saying it's a self protection/coping mechanism to start worrying/doubting/triggering if things "seem" to be going ok to avoid letting our guard down and getting hurt/disappointed again....I was starting to believe it was me needing to reframe ...but no as a previous poster pointed out it's the behaviours that speak volumes.

alterity

"My counsellor was saying it's a self protection/coping mechanism to start worrying/doubting/triggering if things 'seem' to be going ok to avoid letting our guard down and getting hurt/disappointed again."

That sounds right to me. Makes sense.

hopepraylove

I wish I could say something more optimistic...but in my experience, trust is nearly impossible to earn back.

My sponsor said to me "you don't WIN trust back, you EARN it."

Puddinface52

Omg Allthatsgood!.....if I haven't felt like that every year for the past 10 years! I usually start to suspect pretty quickly when my son relapses. It's usually the attitude, the avoiding conversation, the way he doesn't take care of his hygiene like he should....then the "missing in action" stint. No phone calls, no texts, and if he does - he makes no sense. Even when he relapses for a short time - I still don't believe what he tells me. It is awful.

allthatsgood

I know I should be focusing on my own recovery rather than getting all caught up with my son , who is either in or out of recovery. It's just not that easy for me and I obviously lack the discipline to keep the focus on me rather than him. But I'm trying.

Breezy11

I haven't read the responses yet, but I'm so happy to see that you posted this. I feel the exact same way, and my husband isn't even out of treatment yet. I'm so worried that if something happens again, I won't recognize it, just like I didn't this time... for a year.

Looking forward to seeing feedback...

Puddinface52

allthatsgood.......I am right beside you. Going through the exact same thing right now. Allowed him to stay in my home - with the hopes things had changed. My suspicions began almost immediately. You know something is going on...but you are just not 100% sure - but then again - you know your instincts are right. Then, you are looking at his eyes - something just doesn't seem right. You start noticing that he is withdrawing from family again. You confront him - he tells you he is doing nothing. You feel guilty for mistrusting him again and not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Then - your anxiety begins. Every time he walks out the door - you are obsessing over who is is with and what he is doing. You are thinking that he is going to do something irresponsible once again. Then - he disappears for a couple days. And the vicious cycle of your life of living with an addict has once again begun. Last night, I confirmed my suspicions. I found the evidence. Pills. More than likely oxycodones. Today, he is out. My husband is done. He has been holding back for my sake but he is now done. I sent my son a heartfelt text last night - longing to get some kind of loving answer - some sign of empathy for breaking my heart. Some sign of wanting to help himself. But, once again...nothing. I am sorry. I am ranting. I am aching inside. I know what I have to do. I have to let him go.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Puddinface, what a perfect description of the living hell of living with an addict. I was there and whenever JJ is around (whether in recovery or not), this obsession thing hits me too! One thing for me is that JJ cannot stay with me. It is too much temptation for him and for me to resume the dance of addict/codependent. JJ is almost out of rehab, my codie feelers are already tingling (F.E.A.R) but I know that for ME I have to detach.

MsPINKAcres

for me when overwhelmed with fear, insecurity in the future and all the "what if's" I have found reading page 131 of ODAT in Al-Anon has helped me. . .

a quote from that page "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."

When I have that uneasy feeling & sense of doom. . . I remind myself to reach out to my HP and ask that the truth be revealed to me to keep me healthy and safe.
I won't say that I immediately know but I will say it does give me peace that there is nothing more for me to do right now until I am lead otherwise.

Just my experience, strength & hope,

PINK HUGS