Relapse vs planning to drink less
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Relapse vs planning to drink less
My AH went to treatment in January for 31 days. When he checked in he knew he need detox. As he learned the program, he believed it could help him be just a social drinker. Very soon after he got out, he started drinking and hiding it. He was testing himself to see if he could drink just 1 or 2.
His drinking escalated to heavy drinking again. Finally I told him I needed a separation because it was destroying me to watch him live as an active alcoholic. The terms of the separation are based on him seeking sobriety AND recovery.
The first two days he chose to stay an active alcoholic. By the third day he knew he needed help. His best friend and me, his wife, see the deterioration of his health and quality of life. He was ready to go back to treatment. He called to tell his family. Some said they didn't believe he was an alcoholic and some said if you go, make sure it's got your self and not for anyone else.
After his family conversations, he wants to go to rehab with the goal to come out a social drinker. He thinks my request is that he has to be perfect. He thinks if he has one slip that I will leave again. He doesn't understand the difference between a relapse and living with a plan to drink.
Do any of you have experienced I can share to help him understand the problem with his goal to be a social drinker? He hasn't drank socially since even before he went to rehab. He is a lone drinker. When we did go to parties he isolated himself and people would say he was tough to be around drinking or not.
His drinking escalated to heavy drinking again. Finally I told him I needed a separation because it was destroying me to watch him live as an active alcoholic. The terms of the separation are based on him seeking sobriety AND recovery.
The first two days he chose to stay an active alcoholic. By the third day he knew he needed help. His best friend and me, his wife, see the deterioration of his health and quality of life. He was ready to go back to treatment. He called to tell his family. Some said they didn't believe he was an alcoholic and some said if you go, make sure it's got your self and not for anyone else.
After his family conversations, he wants to go to rehab with the goal to come out a social drinker. He thinks my request is that he has to be perfect. He thinks if he has one slip that I will leave again. He doesn't understand the difference between a relapse and living with a plan to drink.
Do any of you have experienced I can share to help him understand the problem with his goal to be a social drinker? He hasn't drank socially since even before he went to rehab. He is a lone drinker. When we did go to parties he isolated himself and people would say he was tough to be around drinking or not.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What you say to him about alcoholism isn't going to have any weight. If he's willing to talk to some fellow alcoholics, AA can send a couple of guys over to talk to him. Sometimes someone who's been where he is can get through.
But rehab for someone who plans to continue drinking is a big waste of time and money. People who desperately WANT to quit drinking often can't afford to go to rehab.
He's a pretty poor bet to live with as long as he's drinking.
But rehab for someone who plans to continue drinking is a big waste of time and money. People who desperately WANT to quit drinking often can't afford to go to rehab.
He's a pretty poor bet to live with as long as he's drinking.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi, I'm a sober A and I firmly believe that the overwhelming majority of As can't drink socially. This belief comes from being a member of SR for a few years and reading the experiences of other, and from my own experience and research.
When we drink excessively for a long time the brain rewires and we develop receptors to alcohol. They can go quiet after a long period of sobriety, but they're always there waiting to light up if we start drinking again. That's why we can't go back to moderation.
My guess is that your AH will not be able to drink socially, ever, but he doesn't understand this yet. He's probably very afraid of giving up alcohol (I'd still love a drink after all these years), and until he can come to terms with never drinking he'll still be an active A.
If you want him to understand more about this why not show him SR and get him to search for the term moderation. He'll read about many experiences of trying and failing.
When we drink excessively for a long time the brain rewires and we develop receptors to alcohol. They can go quiet after a long period of sobriety, but they're always there waiting to light up if we start drinking again. That's why we can't go back to moderation.
My guess is that your AH will not be able to drink socially, ever, but he doesn't understand this yet. He's probably very afraid of giving up alcohol (I'd still love a drink after all these years), and until he can come to terms with never drinking he'll still be an active A.
If you want him to understand more about this why not show him SR and get him to search for the term moderation. He'll read about many experiences of trying and failing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My X has tried and tried to be a social drinker. Not possible...at all. An alcoholic has an addiction and cannot be social drinkers. Until HE sees that and realizes he has to make that change in his life, rehab, and anything else anyone pushes on him, is going to be a waste.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is the dream of every alcoholic to one day be a "normal" drinker. That's why Step One in AA is admitting powerlessness over alcohol. It's clear from your post you already know this is wishful thinking. If your separation from his depends on his recovery, nothing has changed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's a thought. Ask him to research which rehabs have the highest rate of clients who successfully return to normal drinking.
If he can't find those stats anywhere, ask him to consider why that might be.
Not that it will get you anywhere in terms of convincing him to get sober, but at least he might realize that rehab won't teach him how to do it.
If he can't find those stats anywhere, ask him to consider why that might be.
Not that it will get you anywhere in terms of convincing him to get sober, but at least he might realize that rehab won't teach him how to do it.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Thank you all for your comments! They are all very helpful. I have accepted I am powerless over him and I will continue my journey toward my recovery from a wife of an alcoholic. I just can't sit by and watch him deteriorate and isolate any longer.
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Join Date: May 2012
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blurple, if you use the search engine in the menu up top & just look for "moderation" in thread titles alone, you'll probably turn up more threads than you can read about the attempts & failures others have shared here at SR. (you can also search for the word in all posts, not just titles)
The most powerful threads (for me) are found in the Alcoholism & Newcomer's forums because it's told by the addicted person, not the affected family member. (That search won't even turn up all related posts, many have less description titling like, "I'm back, you all were right", etc.)
I agree that he won't want to hear any of this from you, but I can totally understand you wanting to read more/know more about attempts to moderate for your own education.
The most powerful threads (for me) are found in the Alcoholism & Newcomer's forums because it's told by the addicted person, not the affected family member. (That search won't even turn up all related posts, many have less description titling like, "I'm back, you all were right", etc.)
I agree that he won't want to hear any of this from you, but I can totally understand you wanting to read more/know more about attempts to moderate for your own education.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Here's a thought. Ask him to research which rehabs have the highest rate of clients who successfully return to normal drinking.
If he can't find those stats anywhere, ask him to consider why that might be.
If he can't find those stats anywhere, ask him to consider why that might be.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
If he is an alcoholic, alcohol in any capacity, is not an option for him. Its simply his way of trying to balance on a beam between abstinence and over drinking. That beam will eventually narrow to a point of drinking to excess again.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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he wants to go to rehab with the goal to come out a social drinker.
but he tried that once already, didn't he?
As he learned the program, he believed it could help him be just a social drinker. Very soon after he got out, he started drinking and hiding it. He was testing himself to see if he could drink just 1 or 2.
His drinking escalated to heavy drinking again.
his denial is pretty intact and his thinking is pretty skewed if he believe that rehab can turn him into a social drinker. and while HE may not recognize that, YOU do and can begin your own journey away from the madness........
but he tried that once already, didn't he?
As he learned the program, he believed it could help him be just a social drinker. Very soon after he got out, he started drinking and hiding it. He was testing himself to see if he could drink just 1 or 2.
His drinking escalated to heavy drinking again.
his denial is pretty intact and his thinking is pretty skewed if he believe that rehab can turn him into a social drinker. and while HE may not recognize that, YOU do and can begin your own journey away from the madness........
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
My ex was drinking within a month of finishing rehab, if not sooner.
There's no way an alcoholic can turn into a "social drinker". I believe you can certainly cut down if you're a "problem drinker"...but once you've crossed the line, that's it.
Don't forget alcoholism is progressive - so once he cuts down he will not only eventually get back to where he was, he'll get worse. Please look out for yourself & your family! Sometimes hanging on is more painful than letting go.
There's no way an alcoholic can turn into a "social drinker". I believe you can certainly cut down if you're a "problem drinker"...but once you've crossed the line, that's it.
Don't forget alcoholism is progressive - so once he cuts down he will not only eventually get back to where he was, he'll get worse. Please look out for yourself & your family! Sometimes hanging on is more painful than letting go.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 28
My husband has done the "gonna cut down" so many times I can't count. He gets back to where he left off plus some in no time. Each and everytime. I'd prefer to not even have the cut back attempts due to how it's worse in no time.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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His goal of social drinking after rehab is a proven fail. This is quacking. Nothing more. Trying to stop the divorce and maintain his best friend booze at the same time.
My advice is to proceed with the separation. If you have any interest in pursuing the marriage I would tell him he needs to be sober a year before you will consider it. If that doesn't suit him just tell him it isn't all about him - if his goal of continuing a path of failed moderation is more important than his marriage than have at it Pal, and see ya later.
My advice is to proceed with the separation. If you have any interest in pursuing the marriage I would tell him he needs to be sober a year before you will consider it. If that doesn't suit him just tell him it isn't all about him - if his goal of continuing a path of failed moderation is more important than his marriage than have at it Pal, and see ya later.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
My husband did this all the time. He would cut back, start hiding it then be worse than ever in no time. I think he had himself convinced that he could someday return to what he called normal drinking. It was impossible to reason with him.
He died surrounded by hundreds of empty cans and bottles. Nothing I said or did made any impact on his drinking.
He died surrounded by hundreds of empty cans and bottles. Nothing I said or did made any impact on his drinking.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Do what Mrs sw done I chose drink every time so she moved out and wasn't having it
He proberly knows he can't drink safely or responsibly so ask why would that change with rehab
rehab gives you tools to live without alcohol/drugs not to live with them
His moderation idea/argument will only lead him round in circles
I think you should focus on you
He proberly knows he can't drink safely or responsibly so ask why would that change with rehab
rehab gives you tools to live without alcohol/drugs not to live with them
His moderation idea/argument will only lead him round in circles
I think you should focus on you
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Location: New York, NY
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After his family conversations, he wants to go to rehab with the goal to come out a social drinker.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B- As said above, go to the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. I am sure most every alcoholic asks about moderation. Read what our sober friends say!!
You have two options, you can stay and watch him kill himself or you can leave so you don't sit and watch him kill himself. I chose to leave and my life is so much calmer. He wasn't going to do it on my watch!! Hugs my friend!!
You have two options, you can stay and watch him kill himself or you can leave so you don't sit and watch him kill himself. I chose to leave and my life is so much calmer. He wasn't going to do it on my watch!! Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
I have to agree with everyone else. My AH planned to just drink socially (and only beer) after he got off of probation last time. It slowly but surely grew right back into a daily vodka and whiskey festival.
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