Partner of 2.5 years left me following rehab
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Partner of 2.5 years left me following rehab
Words cannot explain how devastated I am and shocked.. I'll explain as briefly as I can..
She was an addict for many years. Had issues dating to early childhood, never resolved and turned to drugs at 17 (she's now 35). We met just 2 months after her last relapse. She knew she wasn't supposed to be with anyone but we fell madly in love and became each others world. She said she would have never stayed clean this long if it wasn't for me. Our relationship was good even tho the struggle with cravings etc was ever present. She always said I was everything to her, we were supposed to be together forever. Don't get me wrong; it didn't feel like she swapped her addiction for me. She was very independent and not clingy. End of March this year, after two years clean she suffered a relapse. Tried extremely hard to stop but it ended up turning into full on use. Months of tragic events followed, some truly devastating. I decided to stand by her. Following near death, she finally admitted she had to go into rehab. This is first time ever she accepted help. She did those 2 years clean on willpower alone and never had skills to cope. Now she is learning for the first time. This monday I received a letter from her that she cannot be with me. She said recovery has to be her number one or drugs will be her number one. She isn't able to be in a relationship and deal with everything that has to from 5 years old. We are no longer in an equal relationship. She was devastated by what she had done to me. Her obsessive behaviours don't belong in my life. She needs to learn to live from scratch and she needs to do that alone.. I am absolutely shattered. I truly believed I could stand by her. She always begged me not to give up on her. That she was fighting for us. I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Often also said I'm too good for her and that we come from such different worlds and she is trying to live in mine. That I am such perfection and she' such failure. I am devastated beyond words...
She was an addict for many years. Had issues dating to early childhood, never resolved and turned to drugs at 17 (she's now 35). We met just 2 months after her last relapse. She knew she wasn't supposed to be with anyone but we fell madly in love and became each others world. She said she would have never stayed clean this long if it wasn't for me. Our relationship was good even tho the struggle with cravings etc was ever present. She always said I was everything to her, we were supposed to be together forever. Don't get me wrong; it didn't feel like she swapped her addiction for me. She was very independent and not clingy. End of March this year, after two years clean she suffered a relapse. Tried extremely hard to stop but it ended up turning into full on use. Months of tragic events followed, some truly devastating. I decided to stand by her. Following near death, she finally admitted she had to go into rehab. This is first time ever she accepted help. She did those 2 years clean on willpower alone and never had skills to cope. Now she is learning for the first time. This monday I received a letter from her that she cannot be with me. She said recovery has to be her number one or drugs will be her number one. She isn't able to be in a relationship and deal with everything that has to from 5 years old. We are no longer in an equal relationship. She was devastated by what she had done to me. Her obsessive behaviours don't belong in my life. She needs to learn to live from scratch and she needs to do that alone.. I am absolutely shattered. I truly believed I could stand by her. She always begged me not to give up on her. That she was fighting for us. I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Often also said I'm too good for her and that we come from such different worlds and she is trying to live in mine. That I am such perfection and she' such failure. I am devastated beyond words...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
lena, I'm so sorry you've had this terrible shock after standing by her for so long.
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the letter is probably a sign that she's taking recovery very seriously. Recovery is a serious business, and she's right to put all her energy into it because what's the alternative? You might feel you can help her but she needs all her emotional energy for success.
The woman you knew and the new one, will be different people. She wrote you a sincere letter. Read it again carefully and accept that she needs to make this journey on her own.
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the letter is probably a sign that she's taking recovery very seriously. Recovery is a serious business, and she's right to put all her energy into it because what's the alternative? You might feel you can help her but she needs all her emotional energy for success.
The woman you knew and the new one, will be different people. She wrote you a sincere letter. Read it again carefully and accept that she needs to make this journey on her own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Lena
As hard as this is for you, this opens up unbelievable opportunities for you to work your own program.
We chose addict mates because we need healing. If you read all my posts, you will see my journey. This has not been easy, but had I stayed, I am convinced my mate stands a greater chance of dying from Alcoholism. He might anyway, but I am not there enabling that.
If you can think of think of this turn of events as a choice between her getting well or dying of her disease, it might take a little of the sting off. Unfortunately, those of us who remain enablers often die untimely deaths too, sometimes at the addict's hands.
I am also learning what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are plenty of good stickies on this site that help in that regard. The idea that a good relationship is two whole people who are better together was a revelation to me. Most of my life, my concept of "love" was "rescue." I have confused "Love" with "pity."
Please keep coming back. Get into a group like AlAnon. Get well!!!
As hard as this is for you, this opens up unbelievable opportunities for you to work your own program.
We chose addict mates because we need healing. If you read all my posts, you will see my journey. This has not been easy, but had I stayed, I am convinced my mate stands a greater chance of dying from Alcoholism. He might anyway, but I am not there enabling that.
If you can think of think of this turn of events as a choice between her getting well or dying of her disease, it might take a little of the sting off. Unfortunately, those of us who remain enablers often die untimely deaths too, sometimes at the addict's hands.
I am also learning what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are plenty of good stickies on this site that help in that regard. The idea that a good relationship is two whole people who are better together was a revelation to me. Most of my life, my concept of "love" was "rescue." I have confused "Love" with "pity."
Please keep coming back. Get into a group like AlAnon. Get well!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
lena1982,
I see this is your first post. It is a courageous step---and you are
to be commended for it. I am sorry you are so devastated and shocked.
All of us here understand these emotions all too well.
A useful tool for me (when I was at a similar juncture, suggested to me
by another SR member privately). .... was to conduct a thought experiment
and to be completely honest with myself.
The central question to myself was....would I rather she fly away from
this ghastly illness forever, or would I rather she be tethered to my "help",
allowing me the ego boost of donning white armor and riding to the rescue?
Everyone knows the 'right' answer----and of course everyone will try to
blurt it out faster than the bloke beside them to prove their 'goodness'
bona fides.
But this is an anonymous website. Honesty here doesn't have the real world
cost of truthfully answering a question....(your 350# boss asking "do I look fat?")
"Gee, Bob.......you look absolutely SVELTE"
I honestly answered the question for myself----and I didn't like the answer.
I got off on being a rescuer. Rushing off secretly to 'save' her.
Furtive meetings on street corners pressing cash into her palm.
Once I came across SR I realized my 'helping' was destroying her.
That's the moment you truly discover if you truly care.....and for whom.
I faced the question dead on: Would I rather destroy her or have her
hate me forever by turning away?
I chose the latter. It was a good choice. But I don't have to tell you, my friend----
it HURTS LIKE HELL!!!
She is being honest. That is one hell of a difficult thing right now
----she knows she is in a life or death struggle for her very existence.
We as codependents need to learn to respect that. A 'relationship'
right now is her surest path to the grave..
.....and she is (rightly) scared to death.
Respect her need to fix her life.
Easy? Bullcrap! I threw a flower off a bridge in Boston to say
goodbye. I'd say some words----toss flower----watch flower go away,
and that'd be the end of it. It was touching...... snowy, cold as hell.
But it wasn't the end of it. I ran down to the next bridge, and the
next, and the next. If you happened to be walking the Charles in Beantown
a few winters ago and watched some spastic idiot running bridge to bridge
chasing some stupid flower.......
....that would have been Vale.
(Moron!)
But eventually rivers hit the ocean. And if we try to follow---we are
going to freeze and drown. Neither of which is on anyones A-list of
fun things to do.
You don't know it now---but you have just been given what may add up to
the most benevolent gift of your life. It may have been wrapped up in some
weird ass paper---but don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Once again, I an so sorry you are so hurt and devastated. We all know
that feeling. It feels like it'll never go away.
But it will.
I see this is your first post. It is a courageous step---and you are
to be commended for it. I am sorry you are so devastated and shocked.
All of us here understand these emotions all too well.
A useful tool for me (when I was at a similar juncture, suggested to me
by another SR member privately). .... was to conduct a thought experiment
and to be completely honest with myself.
The central question to myself was....would I rather she fly away from
this ghastly illness forever, or would I rather she be tethered to my "help",
allowing me the ego boost of donning white armor and riding to the rescue?
Everyone knows the 'right' answer----and of course everyone will try to
blurt it out faster than the bloke beside them to prove their 'goodness'
bona fides.
But this is an anonymous website. Honesty here doesn't have the real world
cost of truthfully answering a question....(your 350# boss asking "do I look fat?")
"Gee, Bob.......you look absolutely SVELTE"
I honestly answered the question for myself----and I didn't like the answer.
I got off on being a rescuer. Rushing off secretly to 'save' her.
Furtive meetings on street corners pressing cash into her palm.
Once I came across SR I realized my 'helping' was destroying her.
That's the moment you truly discover if you truly care.....and for whom.
I faced the question dead on: Would I rather destroy her or have her
hate me forever by turning away?
I chose the latter. It was a good choice. But I don't have to tell you, my friend----
it HURTS LIKE HELL!!!
She is being honest. That is one hell of a difficult thing right now
----she knows she is in a life or death struggle for her very existence.
We as codependents need to learn to respect that. A 'relationship'
right now is her surest path to the grave..
.....and she is (rightly) scared to death.
Respect her need to fix her life.
Easy? Bullcrap! I threw a flower off a bridge in Boston to say
goodbye. I'd say some words----toss flower----watch flower go away,
and that'd be the end of it. It was touching...... snowy, cold as hell.
But it wasn't the end of it. I ran down to the next bridge, and the
next, and the next. If you happened to be walking the Charles in Beantown
a few winters ago and watched some spastic idiot running bridge to bridge
chasing some stupid flower.......
....that would have been Vale.
(Moron!)
But eventually rivers hit the ocean. And if we try to follow---we are
going to freeze and drown. Neither of which is on anyones A-list of
fun things to do.
You don't know it now---but you have just been given what may add up to
the most benevolent gift of your life. It may have been wrapped up in some
weird ass paper---but don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Once again, I an so sorry you are so hurt and devastated. We all know
that feeling. It feels like it'll never go away.
But it will.
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