ArtFriend

I would like to do a lessons learned analysis of what happened last night. I got the call from my uncle that my cousin had committed suicide. My uncle was the one who found him. He was barely able to speak due to crying so hard. They were more like brothers than uncle/nephew.

Upon hanging up, I sat there just stunned for awhile. The tears came and then I went to the liquor store. Came home, sat down and drank. No TV just me and my thoughts. Then I posted here. I had one more drink after signing off here and I went to bed.

So what could I have done differently? I was alone and I had no one to call about this. I am estranged from my brothers and almost all my extended family, except my uncle.

I am asking SR for ideas on what I could have done differently. Obviously, I could just not drink (duh) but the coping mechanism to drink flipped on like a light.

Thanks

silentrun

I haven't had to deal with a situation that extreme yet. My over my head coping mechanism is SR and my friends. I have logged on here and unloaded both in PMs and in a thread. I regularly vent to my friends about everyday things so they don't blow up. So I guess talk, talk, talk. I would think there is a lot more ahead of you dealing with this. Get a support system in place ASAP. The grief section might be a good place to start. Have at least one person that understands the whole story that you can lean on.

Aellyce

First off, I am sorry about all this, AF

An idea I just had is what I am doing myself. I joined a grief counseling group after my dad died recently. We meet once a week but there is a lot of extra interaction among the group members at times, both collectively and in pairs. For the collective, the group has a privacy-protected online networking site that I also joined and sometimes there are great discussions. We also have each-others' phone numbers with a list who is willing to receive phone calls under what conditions -- a bit like in AA I guess. I have not really reached out via phone between sessions because I have not felt the need so far, but some of the other members do and we had a few pretty deep conversations so far when they called me at times of need, which I find helps me in turn much better than talking about myself primarily. Some of them have also become friends outside of the group and do things together, I have not participated in any of this yet but I think it's really cool.

And it's very cheap since the official group is in my insurance's network. I was thinking of this since you have shared losses also in your past with us here that you still feel uneasy about. At least two of my group mates actually don't have any recent losses to deal with, they participate because they want to talk about old events and how they still struggle with them. The group is ongoing and dynamic, people come and go.

Something else I did was finding artists that use artistic ways to express their grief and frustration with loss.

If the critical issue is how not to pick up the drink in response to stressful and traumatic events... so what's going on with that CBT thing again?

Finally, what I can confidently share is that the real turning point in my sober life occurred when I started using a variety of resources to cope with temptations and to deal with issues, different things that I mix up in time as I feel the need. For example, during the times when I tried to rely on SR alone for everything, it was far less productive as I would fixate on one thing all the time instead of using what works best to address different components of my problems.

Soberwolf

You said you had no one to call but you had us Art

ccam1973

Artfriend, sorry for your family's loss. You never know what blows life is going to throw you from day to day.

I had to completely take drinking off of the table as a coping mechanism. Until I made the decision that drinking was not an option, not in any form or fashion, not a little or a lot, not today, I was setting myself up to fail.

It happened time and time again that I would bargain with my AV until I caved. There will always be a reason to drink; during the happy times or the sad times.

I finally realized that if I drink, my life will be worse tomorrow than if I don't drink today; no matter the situation. Simple as that. I finally realized that I might not have too many more tomorrow's left to bargain with.

Continue to lean on us when you are feeling weak. Ultimately it will be up to you to decide to live for today and give yourself the best chance at a bright tomorrow by not drinking.

We believe in you.

ArtFriend

Yes, Wolfie I know I had you guys. I was in shock. Came here too late.

ScottFromWI

First off, again sorry to hear about your cousin. I've been near 3 suicides close to my family/immediate circle of friends in the past year and it literally makes no sense at all, it probably never will.

Also remember that drinking is NOT a coping mechanism. It is an avoidance/escape mechanism and a ineffective one at that. It actually causes more problems than there were in the first place.

Regarding things that you "could" do as coping mechanisms in highly stressful/emotional situations like this.

1. Log onto SR. If SR is your primary support, you need to come here first.
2. Call a local or national crisis hotline or an AA hotline. There are many that are staffed 24/7 and the people at the end of the line are there solely to help people like you ( us ) who are in need of someone to listen to and care when you think you are going to drink. Look up those numbers and program them into your phone.
3. I cannot remember if you've done AA or have a sponsor, but that would be another option. Having numbers to call from other AA members or a sponsor to "talk you down" can be very effective.
4. Call a member of the clergy or a local church that you trust. Ministers/pastors are trained in dealing with crisis.


Those are just a few....but the bottom line is that you need to start re-training your brain to realize that drinking is simply not an option, ever. It makes things worse and it's not a coping strategy.

Fly N Buy

I don't know what will work for another and I'm sorry your cousin took his own life.

Simply, I had to find a power greater than myself or other people. I had demonstrated on multiple occasions my will power as far as alcohol was concerned could not keep me sober nor could other people.

Once I tap into a God of my understanding, all I have to do is follow a few simple rules.

I was drunk at several funerals including my parents - it was very self centered. Really had little to do with the person being mourned. Just another "good reason" to get drink. I had the emotional sobriety of a 12 year old........

Sorry for the loss

Ruby2

ArtFriend, I'm sorry for your loss. If you want to Monday morning quarterback what happened, this is what I see:

You got bad news
You cried
You got yourself up and had to make an effort to get to the liquor store
You got home and had to make an effort to open a bottle and pour a drink
You drank

ONLY THEN did you post on SR. At any point in time before putting keys in hand and walking out the door you could have posted.

I had to take any thoughts of drinking at any time, under any circumstances, off the table. Never, ever, ever drink.

My dad is not doing well at all. He's ambulatory. He's not lost interest in life, but he's walking around with a ticking time bomb in his chest and slowly his body is shutting down. This was reinforced in a hospital stay this week. That the end is coming, more probably sooner than later. Wistful, wishful thoughts of drinking floated through my head. But I don't drink anymore. Ever.

So monday, I went to an AA meeting. I talked to a woman there. Tuesday, I talked to a friend who is grieving the loss of her sister and I did a little crying. I remembered my dad in healthier days. I logged onto SR frequently ever since. I'm still being reflective. I'm still reaching out to people. I'm still making plans in my head about what I will do and how I will handle things when my mother calls me with that inevitable, final call that will one day surely come. In addition to the sadness I've been dealing with junk at home, best described as dirty laundry, which is making me angry. Even with these concurrent double whammies, I'm not drinking.

Part of that process involves answering posts like yours. It causes me to examine myself and what I'm doing right, what I can work on, what needs tweaking in my plan. It helps.

You can do this but it all starts with saying no to drinking. I think that the idea of grief support is a great one. You've had a lot of hurt and extra support is a good thing.

Be well.

ArtFriend

Thanks everyone for the insight. I appreciate your input very much.

Soberwolf

Please next time just run to SR I was in shock but I did not drink I spoke to D I literally unloaded on him I wanted to cry I remember I couldn't I tried to figure it out & couldn't just a lot of looking at the ceiling shaking my head

Please reach out Art even if its every single second do not drink take it off the menu

doggonecarl

...and for non-alcoholics that is where is ends. Shock, tears, grief. No drinking.

There is no "coping" with the grief, no coping with your emotions. You grieve. You sit with your emotions no matter how bad they are. But your addiction says you have to cope, and you've always done that with drinking.

I hope you figure out how to quit running to the bottle.

MIRecovery

So sorry for your loss. I have found grief is something I must go through. Not over, under or around and it is hard.

Quick question. Were did the alcohol come from?

SoberLeigh

What a great group of responses from a great group of friends. These are some of the ones who would have popped right up with support.

Lean on them/us, sweet ArtFriend.

I remember so well that knee-jerk/reach for the wine response for anything and everything. It is so important that that response be broken; it takes practice. I would suggest nailing-down and practicing some healthy responses:

Taking a walk. If it's a rainy day, plan to drive to an enclosed Mall to walk.

Meditation/mindfulness. It takes practice and more practice so start now if it is something that you feel you could get into.

A sober friend you can turn to. They are sometimes hard to find, I know. (Volunteer at a nursing home; people there are overwhelmingly lonely; I'll bet you could find a favorite person there that you could visit in an emergency - it would give them the added benefit and comfort that someone needs them, too).

An art project; a knitting or crocheting project; a rug-making project - something for distraction and mental absorption.

You can do this, friend; you can do this.

ArtFriend

I went out and bought it

MIRecovery

This maybe a good line in the sand for you. Make a mental commitment now that should something like this happen again you will reach out for help before you walk out of the house

Shining~Again

I can understand the knee jerk reaction you had to such news.
((((I'm very sorry about your cousin)))))

This is a triggering topic for me so forgive typos/grammar. Am typing and posting fast before I lose my nerve.
Tips that help me:
-I leave the house and go cry with the outside. My 'company' is barn cats, cows, sometimes it's just me and my dog.
Mainly I just go where I feel I can sob/think/mutter and no one can get near me. At moments when the (my) world has gone dark, I desperately need to be alone. That's what helps me to begin to get back together.
-I have at times PM'd someone on here that felt safe to me. Often there isn't any relationship with that person other than I've gotten a good vibe from them over years times. I still grieve for many people and tend to remember those that remember that about me.
- While I'm not one for church, I'm close to the people there, including the pastor. I also have email address for my therapist. I've yet to actually make a call to any of my "can call with anything, no matter what" peeps but knowing they are there, is invaluable and makes me not feel alone. Even when I need to be alone, I don't like to think of myself as ever truly alone.....if that makes sense?
Last thing I can think of for now is I've learned to remember to breathe. It's odd how little that sounds, but shocked emotions/broken hearts tend to shallow breath or hold breaths. By focusing on breathing for even 5 minutes can make quite a bit of difference.

take care ArtFriend....again, I'm so sorry for your pain.

Bird615

I've been through the deaths of my father, my sister, other relatives, ex-boyfriends and friends, fortunately all when I had been sober for some time. My first reaction was to call my friends (other sober people) and in the case of my dad and sister, I went to AA meeting those evenings.
I had been around long enough to know that a crisis situation like that was enough to put me on a bit of unstable ground with my sobriety, so I instinctively did what I could to shore up my defences.

And like MIR mentioned,I have found no way to deal with grief other than going straight through it. There's no getting around it if I want to heal. Thankfully it tends to come in waves, allowing me to catch my breath before I have to dive into the next one. I just let myself feel it, cried all I needed to, and in the case of my sister, I wrote to her in my journal for about a year afterwards.

ArtFriend

Just realized something... When my dad died I was 7 years old. We acted like he never existed. There was no processing of feelings and all that. Stuff it and shut up. Maybe I have 50 years of unprocessed grief? Just a thought

jezza

Hi Art Friend... Like everybody else I'm very sorry for your loss & totally understand what you are going through having lost a friend who I had known for over 30 years to suicide.. The best advice I can give is come straight to SR... I works!!! The few cravings I have had have been washed away just by talking here... You'll be amazed how quickly the thoughts of drinking subside... Wishing you well & keep posting..