mamaof3boyz

Here is my story...I've been with my Husband for 10 years. We have 2 boys, 6 and 4 and he has a son, 16 from a previous marriage. When I met my husband he told me he was in recovery for heroin addiction and was clean going on 10 years. I didn't think much about it because he was responsible, established and was a good father to his son who was 6 at the time. Part of me was in denial that he was truly an addict. Since our first date there was such a passion. He swept me off my feet but at times made me feel terrible. There were a lot of red flags I ignored in the beginning. We argued a lot but he always had a way of making me forget the arguments. We married 2 years later which was not a very pleasant process. The wedding itself was amazing and special but getting there was a rough road. He didn't want to commit after putting an engagement ring on my finger. About 10 months later we started trying to have a baby. Got pregnant right away and had our first healthy boy, all this time my husband was clean. He was not however attending NA meetings and did not openly admit to most he was an addict. He began a pattern of jumping from job to job to job. In a period of 10 years he has had over a dozen jobs. He says its due to him not finding the "right" job that he will enjoy doing. He has been laid off, fired, quit...all of it. Has taken jobs just for a pay check. Basically he is not fulfilled professionally and not willing to do the work to help himself figure out what he wants out of life. I have been the stability for this family. I've had a steady career for over 10 years and I'm feeling the pressure of always having to carry him. So back in March he told me he relapsed. He went on Subs for a short time. I told him if he relapsed again he would have to leave the house and kids. He relapsed for a second time in May and everything that goes along with it...lies, money gone, manipulation, another job loss etc...Driving my kids high which hurt the most. I told him he had 24 hours to pack and leave our home. He checked into a vacation rental then started attending an out patient program. He attends group therapy twice a week plus daily meetings. After 5 weeks I decided to let him come back home because my boys missed their dad. Since he's been home he's been compliant with his therapy and meetings. Hes getting great reports from his therspist as well. What he isn't doing though is honest work. He has a job which requires him to work out in the field so basically he doesn't report to anyone. He is in jeopardy of losing this job because 1. He hates it 2. He really isn't working when he says he is and 3. He is isn't producing. I've been monitoring his cell phone which he is unaware of. He spends most of his days browsing the Internet sometimes searching for jobs, sometimes reading the news, and there's always a daily dose of porn in there somewhere. Basically he is sitting on his butt all day pretending to work! My question is this, Am I being too hard on him if I kick him out again? I feel he is taking advantage of me, taking advantage of his current job and he is not concerned about providing for his family. Are these addict behaviors he is displaying? He lies to me about what he does during the day. Says he is working but I know better. I've talked to him about how I fear he will lose another job and have asked him so many times to do some soul searching to figure out what job will make him happy! I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. This has been going on for years and continues. What would you do? Is he displaying addict behavior?

Eauchiche

I wouldn't dare to advise you on what to do, although others here might feel more qualified to do so.
I am just so sorry for your pain. You have not mentioned your own program. I cannot urge you strongly enough to at least go to AlAnon once a week. If you work your own program, perhaps you will gain the tools to know how best to help your husband.
Keep coming back!!!

mamaof3boyz

Thank you for your reply. I've been seeing a psychologist to work through this. The sad thing is that I'm feeling "over it" Like I just don't want to be in this marriage anymore. Like I've given up and I'm looking for a reason to make it easier for me to leave him. I don't know if things will change with him. They really haven't changed since I've been with him the 10 years. I feel like I'm tired of waiting for him to be happy and responsible in his life. I agree with you...I need to go to a naranon or coda meeting. Ugh but it just feels like another thing I have to do and I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I won't let him drive the boys anywhere so on top of my day job, my job as a mommy, I'm also a taxi driver. I don't like leaving the boys alone with my husband either. I'm just so scared he might use again when I least expect it. Thats what happened last relapse...I Didn't see it coming

CodeJob

Good morning Mama,

If you're 'over it,' that's enough. You don't need to have anything more than that.

People with addiction have problems with relationships and emotions. It impacts their work capabilities for sure. You are tracking him by his phone but how in honesty can you bring up any of what you know? Stop.

If you don't think you can get the trust back, dissolve the marriage.