Am I being too hard on him...?

Old 08-26-2015, 08:18 AM
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Am I being too hard on him...?

I had another discussion w/ my AH last night. It definitely did not go so well. I felt like he turned everything around on me. I'm being hypocritical because I've been sober less than a month. I'm being judgmental about his drinking. I've changed and he hasn't. I'm making these decisions to not be affectionate and loving.

I told him I'm just sick of it and I can't see him like this anymore. He finally admitted that he's fundamentally unhappy w/ his life and that's why he drinks. It's his "escape." I asked him what we can do to change this, go talk to someone? He's completely against therapy, says it's not going to make a difference. I just don't know what to do for him anymore.

I feel angry....but am I being too hard on him? Am I being hypocritical? Is it too early in my own recovery to be dealing w/ him? But as I told him, I have to live w/ him every day and I just don't know how I feel right now...I feel like my 13 year relationship is just collapsing right now and I don't know what to do...
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Old 08-26-2015, 08:34 AM
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I don't think you are being a hypocrite. But, you have quit and he hasn't. That is the reality. His fundamental unhappiness can only be changed by him. The best you can do is lead by example. Stay sober. Work on fixing what is wrong in your life . Maybe if he sees how happy you are sober he will decide to give it a try. Just don't have any expectations.
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Old 08-26-2015, 08:43 AM
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First off, congratulations on your sobriety. That's great. I hope you have a good support system in place.
Do you feel that his drinking is a threat to your sobriety? One partner getting sober is a big change in a relationship dynamic, especially if the other partner is still drinking. It's hard to watch someone we love hurting themselves.

He finally admitted that he's fundamentally unhappy w/ his life and that's why he drinks. It's his "escape." I asked him what we can do to change this, go talk to someone? He's completely against therapy, says it's not going to make a difference. I just don't know what to do for him anymore.

He's probably fundamentally unhappy with his life BECAUSE he drinks. Alcohol is a depressant after all. I wasted a lot of time trying to make my ex happy so he wouldn't "have to" drink.
If he's not willing to go to therapy or do anything to help himself, maybe you could go on your own. I would also recommend Alanon, which is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. There are lots of members who are on both sides, in recovery themselves while also dealing with a family member's substance abuse. The more support you get the better chance you have of maintaining your own sobriety. That's the most important thing.
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Old 08-26-2015, 10:30 AM
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Dear Climbing
My heart goes out to you. I lost a 14 year relationship.
I'm sad/happy to observe that those of us affected by the disease of alcoholism have an awful lot in common.

My mate and I have been separated 1-1/2 years. For me, this has been very difficult. I am still working through the losses. In spite of this, I cannot go back under the circumstances.

Others on this site sometimes recover faster than I have, but some of the stories they relate about abuse from their mates are pretty horrendous. My mate has always been basically nice. I was drinking too, very heavily. When I quit, I never took another drink. I am afraid our relationship had a bigger stake on the drink than I realized.

Keep coming back. You will find a lot of support here!
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Old 08-26-2015, 02:49 PM
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^^^ this! It is hard to lose a person you love-and it is hard to somewhat realize that that relationship was based on drinking. That's how it seems to me looking back as well. You are not being a hypocrit; I was called that as well-it seems these A's have a handbook on things to say and how to be asses. You're also not being too hard on him-just keep looking after yourself and God will take care of you.
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Old 08-26-2015, 10:00 PM
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CO, there's a couple of things to think about here. One is whether you having got to the point where you were ready to become sober, you expect him to be that that point as well. It rarely happens that way. If it is going to happen it might take a while for him to work through all the barriers to sobriety, just as you probably thought about it for a period until you were ready. So he's obviously a bit upset that you expect him to be mentally in the same place as you.

The second point is that now you're sober you don't find drinking or drunkenness attractive any more. This is such a common reaction. I remember someone joking to me that her friends had become super boring now she was sober. I'm sure they felt the same about her. Drunk and sober don't mix well, and maybe you need to think about the long term future if you BF decides to keep drinking.
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Old 08-27-2015, 07:16 PM
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Your points are exactly right. I know I'm in a different place than him right now. He's always said that I'm ready for things before him, getting married, buying a house, quitting smoking, wanting kids (we don't have any yet.) Maybe it's a girl thing. I know I need to give him time, it's just hard, because exactly to your second point, I have to live w/ him while he continues to drink every night and I don't enjoy being around him when he's drunk anymore. I don't know...I don't want to lose our relationship, but I also need to focus on my own health and sobriety at this point too...Thanks everyone for the advice/kind words/letting me vent..
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Old 08-28-2015, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by ClimbingOut1982 View Post
I had another discussion w/ my AH last night. It definitely did not go so well. I felt like he turned everything around on me. I'm being hypocritical because I've been sober less than a month. I'm being judgmental about his drinking. I've changed and he hasn't. I'm making these decisions to not be affectionate and loving.

I told him I'm just sick of it and I can't see him like this anymore. He finally admitted that he's fundamentally unhappy w/ his life and that's why he drinks. It's his "escape." I asked him what we can do to change this, go talk to someone? He's completely against therapy, says it's not going to make a difference. I just don't know what to do for him anymore.

I feel angry....but am I being too hard on him? Am I being hypocritical? Is it too early in my own recovery to be dealing w/ him? But as I told him, I have to live w/ him every day and I just don't know how I feel right now...I feel like my 13 year relationship is just collapsing right now and I don't know what to do...
Dear ClimbingOut
the last time I had a friend tell me he was fighting in a relationship with someone where BOTH people had abuse issues, I said NO WAY.

There is NO WAY you are going to put two people together who both have a separate grief and recovery process to go through. That isn't even healthy much less wise!

I told him it was as unsafe as sticking two people still bleeding from surgery in the same hospital bed sharing bandages. NO WAY.

You need space to heal separately, and don't need to be picking at each other's scabs and competing who is healing and who is sick.

That is awful to go through, and I begged him not to do that to himself.

May I please urge you to give yourselves separate space to work through your process alone first. Maybe later you can help each other, but not while you are both so sensitive still. You both deserve better and not to upset or trigger each other.


I'm sure he has his own issues to work out, with past family history that he needs to deal with. And same with you. It is way too confusing to mix these together. I went through that the hard way, and it was too much for my family to take. Please be careful, and respect your space that you deserve to work this out in peace.

If it gets too confusing, it's probably a sign you both need to work separately. Please take care, and try not to pressure yourself to take on more than your share. You have enough to deal with and don't deserve to be overwhelmed, which can just make it worse. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve that!

Take care and hugs from Houston
Yours truly,
Love, Emily
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Old 11-01-2016, 04:11 PM
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He went to inpatient rehab today. I'm numb. I'm cried out. I'm no longer sober and don't know what to do now. I'm thinking outpatient. We can't afford for us both to go somewhere. I feel guilty. Is that weird? I don't know how to carry on with day to day at this point. Please tell me it gets better. The look on his face as we said goodbye could've killed me. I'm lost.
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Old 11-01-2016, 05:09 PM
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If I were you, I'd consider finding the nearest AA meeting.

It does get better, but first you've gotta get sober. I know plenty of people who have gone into a meeting, asked for help, and got it--along with a brand new life. You can't possibly process any of this while you're still drinking.
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Old 11-01-2016, 06:02 PM
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It does get better Climbing, I promise you that. I second Lexie. Get yourself to an AA meeting. You can handle life so much better when you're sober. Take some other women's numbers and get to as many meetings as you can. I used to think I could only get sober if I went to rehab and I couldn't afford rehab so I kept drinking for another few years. In the end, I didn't need it. I just started going to AA. You can do this!
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Old 11-01-2016, 06:17 PM
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Yup, rehab was my "Plan B" that I promised myself if I was still drinking after 90 meetings in 90 days. Never needed Plan B, because I never picked up another drink using Plan A.

This is actually perfect timing, too, while he is away at rehab. You can focus completely on yourself and your own recovery without the distraction of living with someone else who is drinking or newly sober. You can actually create your own "rehab" by working diligently on your own recovery.
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Old 11-02-2016, 04:03 AM
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ClimbingOut.....AA is there for you every day. So will your sponsor.
Your sobriety will be your first priority....as will his.....
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Old 11-02-2016, 08:29 AM
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How are you doing today Climbing?

Just sending you many, many ((((((Hugs)))))) I truly believe it gets better but that like the others said, your sobriety HAS to be the priority right now. Nothing can start getting better without that piece of the puzzle. Hit a meeting every day if you need to, keep posting, keep purging all those "guilty" thoughts.
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Old 11-02-2016, 08:52 AM
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(((Climbing Out))) hugs to you.

I thought for the longest time my marriage would never survive my sobriety.

After all, we bonded over booze. How would we survive with me sober and him still drinking?

I had to get sober or, I was going to end up dead or in jail.

I got sober using the program of AA. I knew I had to be sober despite my other half's drinking or not.

I was advised to work on me, work on my recovery and see how things worked out. I am the eldest child of an alcoholic, I am alcoholic and I am married to a heavy drinker. I had (and still have) alot to work on. Thankfully, I have to programs of AA and Al-Anon to help me recover.

I remember being newly sober, and just hating the way my hubby acted, especially when drinking. Everything he said or did just made my skin crawl. I wondered how I would be able to stay with him.

He is working on him, he is in rehab. What are you doing for your sobriety? Look at the insanity of alcoholism, he goes to rehab to get help (which is what you wanted) and you drank. Alcoholism is truly baffling!

There is so much support here on the boards, and face to face meetings to help you.

You can do this, you can get sober.
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Old 11-02-2016, 07:44 PM
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Thank you everyone for your kind words. I was a wreck this morning, but finally got to talk to him this evening and he sounded so good, happy, and hopeful. It's the most spark I've heard from him in years. I know I need to work on myself now. It is the best time, with him being gone. I've never been to an AA meeting..just nervous going alone, not knowing anybody, but I know I need to do something. Going cold turkey without any kind of support system has not worked for me in the past. I know I need to just take the plunge..headfirst..
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Old 11-02-2016, 07:59 PM
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If you call the local AA Intergroup office, they will send a couple of women to take you to a meeting, so you don't have to go by yourself.

And here's a link to a terrific article about what to expect at your first AA meeting: Your First AA Meeting
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Old 11-03-2016, 12:59 AM
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Good to hear from you Climbing. I was terrified going to my first meeting too. I can even still get nervous if I go to a new meeting. But once you're in the door, it's great. The hardest part for me was walking up those stairs into the meeting but once you're in, it's great. These days, I bounce up those steps. You can do this. It sounds like you're so ready for this.
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Old 11-14-2016, 09:18 AM
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Well a lot's been happening in the last week and a half. I've been regularly attending meetings. Sometimes two a day if I feel the need. I finally told my Dad last night everything that's going on. I'd been avoiding that one. I truly believe that if it weren't for the rooms and the people in them, I don't know where I would be right now. I would've found it especially difficult to tell my father, but I found it to be easier than I thought and I think it's through the strength that I've gained from being in those meetings. It all just kind of came out.

My husband's doing well. I went up to see him on Saturday and he looked good. He's terrified about getting back out to the real world and I don't blame him. It's hard out here. But I know picking up a drink isn't going to make anything easier or better. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm going to my first al-anon meeting tonight. It's time. I'm working on myself but I also need to work on our relationship if anything's going to last. Thank you for letting me ramble and thank you all for just listening.
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Old 11-14-2016, 09:34 AM
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Al-Anon can be really helpful and supportive, ClimbingOut. Give it a go!
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