Foolsgold186

My son is nearly 4 months old. I had a relapse after 13 months sober and I'm now at about a month and a half sober.

I had a huge argument with my boyfriend, so much so we've decided we need time apart. I've turned into this cold hearted, unemotional person and I don't know why, I'm so angry. I'm trying to find time to go to AA and be a better person. I'm struggling. I need help.

Anna

I'm sorry, but good for you for a month and half sober. You are doing what you need to do for yourself and to be a good Mom. I had a lot of anger too when I stopped drinking and it took awhile to realize that most of it was directed towards myself. I had to stop the negative thoughts about myself that I was having and I had to focus on gratitude and being positive. You can do this.

Foolsgold186

Anna I can't! I look at my son and I love him, I can't gather enough love for myself to say get a grip, get better for him! I'm so selfish.

ReadyAtLast

You can do this. congratulations on your sober time. you can get back there again, I know how hard it is with a young baby. the first thing I did when I got my son home from the hospital was open a bottle of wine.

It took me till he was 2 to get sober but wish I'd done it sooner. luckily he won't remember me drunk. maybe look at getting some more help or support whether it's AA either in person or online.I'm in Scotland too and my GP is brilliant, Or perhaps counselling, see your doc. I used AVRT and love it.

And SR of course there is always someone here to help.

OneLessLonely

You only have to muster enough anything to not drink today. Having a new and small child is an extremely life changing often times difficult event itself, before even adding in sobriety. Certainly try to allow yourself to adjust to alll that. Have you talked to your doctor about possible post partum depression? It looks different in different people.

Fly N Buy

Foolsgold,

I know I had to make time. Whatever the price to be paid, I had to find a way to go. I checked out meetings online and f2f - I found a way.

One of the first things I read in the program was we were willing to go to any lengths. I thought of that often. How bad, really did I want what other sober people had?????

Once I became totally willing it became much simpler. I had to stop fighting myself then others.

Glad you're here with us.......
keep coming back

sleepie

hi Foolsgold, did you say 13 months sober? That's pretty great... I bet that you can do that and more. I'm sorry you've had a hard time with your boyfriend. SR is a good place to be when you are feeling bad or need a place to vent and avoid drinking.

Soberwolf

Il tell you one thing now you are not selfish out of your love you refused to drink I don't care what anyone says not only are you a great fantastic mum your a good person

You know what my gut says ? Forgive yourself

Your husband might want to go couples therapy with you for mediation

Foolsgold186

Flynby -sorry
I don't know why

ScottFromWI

You can do this, in fact you just did it for 15 months. And then again for another month. Do you have any family near? Other close friends? If you want to get back to AA all you need is someone to help you for an hour or so. Some meetings even allow children so all you'd need is a ride there if you can't drive yourself.

Above all, just remember that drinking won't solve anything. In fact it will make everything worse. It would be the single worst possible decision you could make. Remember also now that you have another life to care for - if you can't get to meetings or seek the help that you need for yourself, use your child as a motivator.

entropy1964

Have you thought about getting some counseling? Might help you uncover the source of your anger and how to move past it.

soberclover

You can. You can do this. You can do this with help. What kind of help makes sense for you.....counseling? Having a friend or relative come stay with you for awhile?

dwtbd

A return to drinking is not going help in any way. It won't help being a mother, it won't help your son and it won't help with your relationship issues.
Maybe finding help with anger, emotional issues should be explored speaking with your GP and a referral to some counseling?
I hope you are safe and that your argument(s) do not involve any kind of abuse with anyone involved. If that is the case , my gut reaction is that time apart would be a less than good idea. Parenting a small child is hard. Neither parent should be left with the 24/7 responsibility alone. Moms need to be tough sometimes to get dads to man up.

Dee74

don't be too hard on yourself foolsgold

Like Anna said, anger is pretty common in early recovery - I would imagine even more so if you were down on yourself for relapsing.

If you think you need more support - be it AA or some other recovery group, or a counsellor or even juts simply posting more here - why not go for it?

Add whatever you can to your 'toolbox' to make things easier

write down all the things stressing you out and how you might make them better or eliminate them completely

You absolutely can do this

D

Cleomie

Go easy on yourself.
Your body is still adjusting after just having a baby.
Stay on SR as much as you can.
And get some sleep. (Easier said than done, I know)
Praying for you.

Alynn

Take if easy on yourself. You've got what it takes. It can be an emotional roller coaster after a relapse. Chin up, dust off and continue on. You can do this.

MythOfSisyphus

In my experience that's a side effect of early sobriety. Getting sober is absolutely essential! So don't misunderstand me, sober is good. But the early months are tough. I really struggled with this shapeless unfocused anger. Truth be told rage is a better word. I was just angry/grumpy much of the time. My normal outlet was drinking; without that I didn't know how to deal with my frustrations so they spilled out over everyone around me.

It does pass with sober time and with some experience in how to live without the crutch of booze.

Marcher13

Foolsgold your little boy is not quite four months, you've been sober for a month and a half -- you are barely over the birth and you are dealing with recovery. That's a huge challenge -- your hormones are yet to settle after the pregnancy and birth and you are dealing with the emotions that come with sobriety.

Do you have a good doctor who looks after you all the time? I really think you should be talking to him/her about everything -- being a new mother, recovering from both your pregnancy and alcohol, your sleep patterns and how you are eating. You deserve a full overall assessment to help you help you.

Foolsgold186

Thank you everyone. I wish I could tell you all how much your words mean.

I'm lost. I feel empty. I look at my wee boy and I want to cry, I feel like a martyr. I've had a good life! Why am I like this?!? I've moved areas so my gp is different. My poor boyfriend, he's got this fruitcake to contend with. Im not right and I'm trying my hardest to be.

Dee74

I think seeing a Dr could be a good step fg.

Like Marcher said your wee one is still very small, you're dealing with all that and recovery too - get some help.

There's absolutely no shame in it.