"Nobody asked you to leave"...
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
"Nobody asked you to leave"...
...was what axbf told me today. I told him that Damien did (I had a name for AV even before I discovered RR!!!)... And he responded with "whatever helps you sleep at night".
Someone told me in one of my previous posts that he's not sleeping at night. Of course he's not - he didn't when I lived there even!!!
He claims to be getting our stuff together to return to me & our tiny kids...but JC/ HP/ Damien/ God - and you & I know there's an ulterior motive.
Please, SR friends...please help me resist him! I'm afraid to see him. I'm sooo afraid. My heart is being a jerk & trying to overrun my brain!!!
Someone told me in one of my previous posts that he's not sleeping at night. Of course he's not - he didn't when I lived there even!!!
He claims to be getting our stuff together to return to me & our tiny kids...but JC/ HP/ Damien/ God - and you & I know there's an ulterior motive.
Please, SR friends...please help me resist him! I'm afraid to see him. I'm sooo afraid. My heart is being a jerk & trying to overrun my brain!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why does there have to be an ulterior motive? maybe he IS just getting your stuff back to you.......
as it is, he is JUST a faulty human. he has no special powers. he can't perform ****** on you. don't set yourself up for a fall. stand strong, and deal with what is real.
as it is, he is JUST a faulty human. he has no special powers. he can't perform ****** on you. don't set yourself up for a fall. stand strong, and deal with what is real.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BlackSabbath.....Please don't let false guilt untie your shoes!
He is pushing the guilt button....because he knows it works.
Don't forget why you left this man. Write the reasons on a piece of paper and read it over and over...as often as y ou need....when you start to weaken.
Don't let the fantasy of what you wanted the relationship to be wreck your ship.
I was what it was...not what you wanted and needed.
What are you going to believe? What he says (words are cheap)....OR....what you KNOW??
It takes weeks to months....about a year.....after a breakup to start feeling comfortable in you skin. You are grieving. You have to grieve in order to heal enough to go on with your own life. There is no easy way around it...just straight through it....
Keep as much time and space as you possibly can between you and him.
If you are afraid to see him.....DON't see him.
Can you live without the stuff?
If not.....send a couple of friends or family or HIRE somebody to go over and gather and bring it to you.
Time and space away from him will help a great deal. Do keep you head in charge (silence your heart, for now).
dandylion
He is pushing the guilt button....because he knows it works.
Don't forget why you left this man. Write the reasons on a piece of paper and read it over and over...as often as y ou need....when you start to weaken.
Don't let the fantasy of what you wanted the relationship to be wreck your ship.
I was what it was...not what you wanted and needed.
What are you going to believe? What he says (words are cheap)....OR....what you KNOW??
It takes weeks to months....about a year.....after a breakup to start feeling comfortable in you skin. You are grieving. You have to grieve in order to heal enough to go on with your own life. There is no easy way around it...just straight through it....
Keep as much time and space as you possibly can between you and him.
If you are afraid to see him.....DON't see him.
Can you live without the stuff?
If not.....send a couple of friends or family or HIRE somebody to go over and gather and bring it to you.
Time and space away from him will help a great deal. Do keep you head in charge (silence your heart, for now).
dandylion
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
This is the third time he is having me come over to pick up our stuff. Anyone interested in a clean break would have had everything ready the first time they said they would. But no, he had me come a second time for "everything else" - which ended up being only one more box and there is still a lot of things there & he knew it. I'm not going into details but yes Anvil - there are ulterior motives. I was supposed to do a porch pick up last time but he bounced out of his house as soon as I pulled up. I might not have control over my heart right now, but I know what's going on. Our two year old had plenty of toys there that I'm sure haven't been cleaned up.
We are all human. He is the father of my kids. We've been on & off for over three years - I recognize the patterns and welcome practical suggestions as to how to resist the man I love. I hate his addiction though, and left because I'm not codependent. Just happen to have fallen in love with a demon & his host. I posted with the hopes of setting myself up for success for the inevitable meeting - my heart wants to jump his bones but my head knows better.
Alas, it is *I* who is the faulty human.
We are all human. He is the father of my kids. We've been on & off for over three years - I recognize the patterns and welcome practical suggestions as to how to resist the man I love. I hate his addiction though, and left because I'm not codependent. Just happen to have fallen in love with a demon & his host. I posted with the hopes of setting myself up for success for the inevitable meeting - my heart wants to jump his bones but my head knows better.
Alas, it is *I* who is the faulty human.
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Yes, danylion...I am still grieving the loss of my "fantasy" life with him. I read my two lists of why I left often. Just last night, I thought I had a breakthrough - I read the crap list when he was running around in me head and kept me awake & was convinced I was done. I am done, right?!
Not stuff we can live without. I sew for a living - and he has a machine of mine. If there was no ulterior motive, he would have returned that stat as he knows that's what I'm living off right now.
No one to go get it for me. You know, my friends & family have backed off due to the "drama". They hate him more than they love me, apparently. I'm not doing well the past two weeks, even before he contacted me today. I'm really not doing well. I focus on my kids - but once they go to sleep, I go to sleep shortly thereafter & this is the s h * t that runs through my head when I wake up to feed baby.
Not stuff we can live without. I sew for a living - and he has a machine of mine. If there was no ulterior motive, he would have returned that stat as he knows that's what I'm living off right now.
No one to go get it for me. You know, my friends & family have backed off due to the "drama". They hate him more than they love me, apparently. I'm not doing well the past two weeks, even before he contacted me today. I'm really not doing well. I focus on my kids - but once they go to sleep, I go to sleep shortly thereafter & this is the s h * t that runs through my head when I wake up to feed baby.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you could still be giving him way too much credit for the ability to get his sh!t together AND to respect your boundaries. i understand you have feelings for him, i'm just saying they are just FEELINGS, and its helpful to NOT read anything more into actions than presented....even if there are ulterior motives. his "tricks" wont' work unless YOU LET THEM. so you really do have the power here......
you could make it really easy and just not go. just consider the remainings collateral damage. you've managed without the stuff so far......sorry i see you mention the sewing machine. can i ask why you didn't take it with you when you left if it is that important? or demand on the two prior visits????
you could make it really easy and just not go. just consider the remainings collateral damage. you've managed without the stuff so far......sorry i see you mention the sewing machine. can i ask why you didn't take it with you when you left if it is that important? or demand on the two prior visits????
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey BlackSabbath, I think I hold the "chit trophy" for how many times I let my ex back in. I have to tell you though, it got worse each time. His behavior got worse and his drinking got worse. I really don't know if this happened because he knew he could step on my boundaries, or if it got worse because he "upped" the abuse, so that I would become more afraid of him and his temper.
So, I will leave it as "it gets worse each time you go back". Don't fall for the "honeymoon period, the hoover". It doesn't last long.
I read in your other post that he has not even attempted to contact the children since I think it was June 4th.
Do you have anyone that can go over for you to pick up the next round of another box? Yes, I will agree with you that most likely he has a motive for doing it like this. You said you have been "back" and "forth" for a few years. He knows this and is waiting for you to "break". It's called manipulation.
Is this the way you really want the rest of your life to be? This constant back and forth thing? Also knowing that he will get worse and worse. I didn't want to believe that, but it is what happened.
Get someone to pick the stuff up for you, or at least someone to go with you.
Start thinking of a life that you could have. I remember when I was married, there was no way that I could think of a future. It was always just trying to get through the day. Now I can see a future, I can see a blue sky, I can see trees, I can see all of the beauty in nature. I couldn't see this when I was married.
I do want the best for you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
So, I will leave it as "it gets worse each time you go back". Don't fall for the "honeymoon period, the hoover". It doesn't last long.
I read in your other post that he has not even attempted to contact the children since I think it was June 4th.
Do you have anyone that can go over for you to pick up the next round of another box? Yes, I will agree with you that most likely he has a motive for doing it like this. You said you have been "back" and "forth" for a few years. He knows this and is waiting for you to "break". It's called manipulation.
Is this the way you really want the rest of your life to be? This constant back and forth thing? Also knowing that he will get worse and worse. I didn't want to believe that, but it is what happened.
Get someone to pick the stuff up for you, or at least someone to go with you.
Start thinking of a life that you could have. I remember when I was married, there was no way that I could think of a future. It was always just trying to get through the day. Now I can see a future, I can see a blue sky, I can see trees, I can see all of the beauty in nature. I couldn't see this when I was married.
I do want the best for you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Anvil - I took clothing & the baby's bassinet when we left. Whatever I could fit in my car in 5 minutes. I didn't have the luxury of going back to collect everything. I wasn't in the frame of mind to have a checklist of my items...it's pretty clear what was mine. Our history is rife with him kicking me out when he's raging, so I took it upon myself to leave.
I wish I was where you are, but my self confidence and self worth isn't where it needs to be right now. I still feel vulnerable. Otherwise I wouldn't be asking for support.
I wish I was where you are, but my self confidence and self worth isn't where it needs to be right now. I still feel vulnerable. Otherwise I wouldn't be asking for support.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BlackSabbath.....Do you not have a friend in this world that world that would pick up the stuff for you? Or...you could stay in the car and your friend coud get the stuff of the porch.
In reality...2yr. olds forget the old toys as soon as they see a n ew toy. I k now toys can be expensive---but, you can get used ones from yard sales (sterilize them) and they are "new" to the toddler.
Have you considered that you may be holding on to this "conflict" over picking up the stuff as a way to still have a connection to him...even if it seems like a negative connection. It is still a connection that is taking up space in your head.
The "inevitable" meeting does not have to take place....unless you want it to. Not a meeting with you and him alone...where you would h ave a ch ance to "jump his bones". Do not let that happen.
Yes....you are soo right...it is your feelings that you need to "manage". The feeling may still be there...but, you can MANAGE them! You must.
The jumping of the bones is the absolutely, unquestionably, the worst thing that you could do to yourself. It will set you back 100 miles.
Right now....write the l ist of the worst things that happened in the relationship on paper.....and, read it over and over....keep it with you at all times.
dandylion
In reality...2yr. olds forget the old toys as soon as they see a n ew toy. I k now toys can be expensive---but, you can get used ones from yard sales (sterilize them) and they are "new" to the toddler.
Have you considered that you may be holding on to this "conflict" over picking up the stuff as a way to still have a connection to him...even if it seems like a negative connection. It is still a connection that is taking up space in your head.
The "inevitable" meeting does not have to take place....unless you want it to. Not a meeting with you and him alone...where you would h ave a ch ance to "jump his bones". Do not let that happen.
Yes....you are soo right...it is your feelings that you need to "manage". The feeling may still be there...but, you can MANAGE them! You must.
The jumping of the bones is the absolutely, unquestionably, the worst thing that you could do to yourself. It will set you back 100 miles.
Right now....write the l ist of the worst things that happened in the relationship on paper.....and, read it over and over....keep it with you at all times.
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BlackSabbath...oops...I posted a bit too soon. sorry. I now have more infor about your situation.
Then....pay someone to go with you. Scrape up a few dollars. You can ask the police to go with you if necessary. He likely won't do anything with someone present...and, you would'nt jump his bones with someone looking on.....lol.
YES....keep reading the "crap" list.....I read mine until the paper was shreads in my hand....lol.
dandylion
Then....pay someone to go with you. Scrape up a few dollars. You can ask the police to go with you if necessary. He likely won't do anything with someone present...and, you would'nt jump his bones with someone looking on.....lol.
YES....keep reading the "crap" list.....I read mine until the paper was shreads in my hand....lol.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If you are feeling vulnerable then don’t go. Make arrangements for a friend or family member to pick up your items.
It’s kind of like an alcoholic in early recovery not wanting to go out to eat at a certain restraint because there is a bar inside. They make the healthy choice NOT to.
And you are in early recovery from your addiction which is him. The choice is yours to make.
It’s kind of like an alcoholic in early recovery not wanting to go out to eat at a certain restraint because there is a bar inside. They make the healthy choice NOT to.
And you are in early recovery from your addiction which is him. The choice is yours to make.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The police will generally "stand by" for a property removal if you call in advance and schedule it.
Maybe if you tell him you're making those arrangements you can pick up your stuff with minimal drama. Tell him you are expecting to pick up x, y, and z. No more, no less. Tell him you would like a definite time in the next week or so. The police presence should discourage him from any antics.
Maybe if you tell him you're making those arrangements you can pick up your stuff with minimal drama. Tell him you are expecting to pick up x, y, and z. No more, no less. Tell him you would like a definite time in the next week or so. The police presence should discourage him from any antics.
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
I've already contacted the po-po. They'll come with me, but also agreed that unless he has provoked it that it might be best not to poke the sleeping bear. We've been there before and I don't care to relive it especially if he's been drinking or has a coke hangover. If I could buy all these things, I would - but I can't.
This post isn't about my things. It's about letting go. It's about acceptance, nurturing the will to go on and living up to my potential as a person. About your axbf not getting why you left and all of the frustration that goes with that.
I ran into a mutual acquaintance today...she didn't know what went on. I bawled my eyes out when she asked why she never sees my car there any more. So so so sad.
This post isn't about my things. It's about letting go. It's about acceptance, nurturing the will to go on and living up to my potential as a person. About your axbf not getting why you left and all of the frustration that goes with that.
I ran into a mutual acquaintance today...she didn't know what went on. I bawled my eyes out when she asked why she never sees my car there any more. So so so sad.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey, how's it going? I really do understand what you are feeling right now. It's not too much about the stuff, it is yours, and you do want it back, but I think it's more about the feeling of seeing him again.
I've been through that. I don't know, sometimes I think people just think logically, well, if it's the stuff then get it back or leave it. It's only material things. I actually left a house full of furniture, just because I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I couldn't deal with the hatred that I felt from him. I left mine also. It was OK when he was disappearing from me for 1 week, going up to 3 months at a time, but when I left him, it was all my fault, because "how can you have a relationship, if one of party in the relationship isn't there"? This is what he said to me, after him disappearing up to 3 months at a time.
I don't know, perhaps I wanted validation, or acknowledgement, or just something. I didn't get that, I just got anger. He treated me like I didn't exist most of the time. I think that was probably better, then when he would go into that cute boyish act, and sometimes apologize, but nothing changed anyway.
Your relationship was abusive, just as mine was. Did alcohol cause this. No it didn't. He would be the same way with or without the alcohol. My ex dealt with situations or emotions that he couldn't handle with alcohol and anger. For a long time I dealt with situations (his anger) that I couldn't control with alcohol. I would hide in the garage and drink, just so that I could sleep that night. (slept in the car many nights, afraid to go into the house)
I know that you are looking for a way to deal with this, how to handle this. Drinking isn't the way. It just puts it off longer and longer. (I did read your prior posts).
I was a strong person also, then he just kept wearing me down, and more down, I started to isolate myself. I was walking on eggshells around him. I was married for 27 years. I remember the feeling of when "we would make up". I put that in quote purposely. It was just that I was so relieved that the fighting stopped. I remember feeling those butterflies in my stomach when this happened, and I also just wanted to "jump his bones". I realize now that it was a trauma bonding. Not once did he stop anything that was abusive to me. He may have been decent to me for a week or so, (hoovering), but that was reduced to maybe a half a day, and anytime he was somewhat decent to me, I was still walking on those eggshells. The year that I finally did leave, he wasn't talking to me at all for 320 days. The other 45 days, I was watching everything that I said, because, yes, I was walking on eggshells. I think at the end the 320 days that he wasn't speaking to me was better, then the 45 days that he was.
You really are so much better then this. So am I.
You really do have a lot to look forward to in your life. You are a wonderful person, with 2 adorable children.
I know you do think about the life you had with him. I think about that a lot also. In a way, I do thank him for that. After everything that I went through with him, I now know what I do what, and what I don't want.
I bought a foreclosure log home in the country. It needed a lot of work, it was abused, and so was I. We are healing together, and now I can see a tree, not just the forest.
It was so overwhelming before, and now I can appreciate any little thing in my life.
I care a lot about you and your children.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I've been through that. I don't know, sometimes I think people just think logically, well, if it's the stuff then get it back or leave it. It's only material things. I actually left a house full of furniture, just because I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I couldn't deal with the hatred that I felt from him. I left mine also. It was OK when he was disappearing from me for 1 week, going up to 3 months at a time, but when I left him, it was all my fault, because "how can you have a relationship, if one of party in the relationship isn't there"? This is what he said to me, after him disappearing up to 3 months at a time.
I don't know, perhaps I wanted validation, or acknowledgement, or just something. I didn't get that, I just got anger. He treated me like I didn't exist most of the time. I think that was probably better, then when he would go into that cute boyish act, and sometimes apologize, but nothing changed anyway.
Your relationship was abusive, just as mine was. Did alcohol cause this. No it didn't. He would be the same way with or without the alcohol. My ex dealt with situations or emotions that he couldn't handle with alcohol and anger. For a long time I dealt with situations (his anger) that I couldn't control with alcohol. I would hide in the garage and drink, just so that I could sleep that night. (slept in the car many nights, afraid to go into the house)
I know that you are looking for a way to deal with this, how to handle this. Drinking isn't the way. It just puts it off longer and longer. (I did read your prior posts).
I was a strong person also, then he just kept wearing me down, and more down, I started to isolate myself. I was walking on eggshells around him. I was married for 27 years. I remember the feeling of when "we would make up". I put that in quote purposely. It was just that I was so relieved that the fighting stopped. I remember feeling those butterflies in my stomach when this happened, and I also just wanted to "jump his bones". I realize now that it was a trauma bonding. Not once did he stop anything that was abusive to me. He may have been decent to me for a week or so, (hoovering), but that was reduced to maybe a half a day, and anytime he was somewhat decent to me, I was still walking on those eggshells. The year that I finally did leave, he wasn't talking to me at all for 320 days. The other 45 days, I was watching everything that I said, because, yes, I was walking on eggshells. I think at the end the 320 days that he wasn't speaking to me was better, then the 45 days that he was.
You really are so much better then this. So am I.
You really do have a lot to look forward to in your life. You are a wonderful person, with 2 adorable children.
I know you do think about the life you had with him. I think about that a lot also. In a way, I do thank him for that. After everything that I went through with him, I now know what I do what, and what I don't want.
I bought a foreclosure log home in the country. It needed a lot of work, it was abused, and so was I. We are healing together, and now I can see a tree, not just the forest.
It was so overwhelming before, and now I can appreciate any little thing in my life.
I care a lot about you and your children.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SB, I hope this helps!!!
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Hugs my friend!!
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Hugs my friend!!
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Thank you for the share, Amy55. Ugh, the eggshells! I am still unclear about the relationship between alcohol and abuse (kind of like the dilemma of the chicken and the egg!) - regardless, I think addressing the abusive behaviour during active addiction is futile. I love that your cabin is a metaphor for you to rebuild your life - beautiful! I can't even imagine moving on right now. Quitting drinking is a good move for me - makes me feel like less of a hypocrite if nothing else!
Maia1234 - I believe that's "A Letter From My Addict"? Classic reading, thank you for posting that. I also like the letter from God about the addict. I don't know why I choose to educate myself on this rather than just forget about it & focus my energy somewhere more productive. Progress, not perfection - right?
I appreciate the hugs!!! I need them. I want Daddy healthy for the kids. I pray every night that he'll turn himself over or find an alternate way to get better. For now I'll continue to detach and love from a distance <3
Maia1234 - I believe that's "A Letter From My Addict"? Classic reading, thank you for posting that. I also like the letter from God about the addict. I don't know why I choose to educate myself on this rather than just forget about it & focus my energy somewhere more productive. Progress, not perfection - right?
I appreciate the hugs!!! I need them. I want Daddy healthy for the kids. I pray every night that he'll turn himself over or find an alternate way to get better. For now I'll continue to detach and love from a distance <3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Always remember that anger at times is a healthy reaction. I think I got angry many times. All the times that he crossed my boundaries.
I kept lowering the bar, until I couldn't even live with myself anymore.
You are such a nice, sweet person. You deserve someone so much better. You deserve a really good life.
I really do know the feelings that you are going through right now. I wish I didn't.
Hang in there. It will be OK. I'm here for your whenever you need to vent or cry.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I kept lowering the bar, until I couldn't even live with myself anymore.
You are such a nice, sweet person. You deserve someone so much better. You deserve a really good life.
I really do know the feelings that you are going through right now. I wish I didn't.
Hang in there. It will be OK. I'm here for your whenever you need to vent or cry.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: New England
Posts: 15
BS - you have helped me have strength tonight through your post and the replies. I thought I would share since it's 4:15 am and if I don't, I'm afraid of what I might do.
My phone buzzed a few minutes ago. I haven't heard from my husband in many days (finally!), so it never occurred to me that it would be him. I panicked – tonight is a night without my daughter (7) and my older son lives away from home (19) so I immediately thought someone was in trouble. I picked up the phone and the text was from my AH…it was an offer to come over to umm…well…as you so eloquently put it, jump his bones. He offered for me to come over for “carnal purposes only – no talking”, stating that he is “tired of not sleeping.” I sat here wanting to jump in my car – I could be there and back in 2 hours, no one would know and wouldn’t it be nice to see him, touch him, smell him? And then BOOM, I remembered reading your post earlier. I opened my computer, and read everything written. Then I realized that it would be the worst thing I could do for myself. I didn’t even respond to the text, as much as I wanted to. I really want to say “I’m sorry – I can’t. I wish I could” but I think even that will open the door a little too much for me.
Anyway, thank you for sharing…your post really saved me tonight. I miss him and the thought of touching his skin is so tempting, but it will hurt me and as hard as it is for me to wrap my head around, it will hurt him too. Because by seeing him and letting him have even a little of me, he can’t fully feel the loss of the life that might be if he wants it badly enough for himself. I need to let him hit his bottom.
I fully understand that this isn’t about your stuff. It’s about your heart. But you need to keep your heart safe. I know right now I can’t be around my husband for any reason, even a legitimate one. I am not strong enough to be within a 1 mile vicinity of him. Too tempting, too easy to slip. And too easy to rip open a wound that is just barely starting to heal. I don’t want to feel the pain of it being wide open again.
HB
My phone buzzed a few minutes ago. I haven't heard from my husband in many days (finally!), so it never occurred to me that it would be him. I panicked – tonight is a night without my daughter (7) and my older son lives away from home (19) so I immediately thought someone was in trouble. I picked up the phone and the text was from my AH…it was an offer to come over to umm…well…as you so eloquently put it, jump his bones. He offered for me to come over for “carnal purposes only – no talking”, stating that he is “tired of not sleeping.” I sat here wanting to jump in my car – I could be there and back in 2 hours, no one would know and wouldn’t it be nice to see him, touch him, smell him? And then BOOM, I remembered reading your post earlier. I opened my computer, and read everything written. Then I realized that it would be the worst thing I could do for myself. I didn’t even respond to the text, as much as I wanted to. I really want to say “I’m sorry – I can’t. I wish I could” but I think even that will open the door a little too much for me.
Anyway, thank you for sharing…your post really saved me tonight. I miss him and the thought of touching his skin is so tempting, but it will hurt me and as hard as it is for me to wrap my head around, it will hurt him too. Because by seeing him and letting him have even a little of me, he can’t fully feel the loss of the life that might be if he wants it badly enough for himself. I need to let him hit his bottom.
I fully understand that this isn’t about your stuff. It’s about your heart. But you need to keep your heart safe. I know right now I can’t be around my husband for any reason, even a legitimate one. I am not strong enough to be within a 1 mile vicinity of him. Too tempting, too easy to slip. And too easy to rip open a wound that is just barely starting to heal. I don’t want to feel the pain of it being wide open again.
HB
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Amy55 - I wish you didn't know those feelings either! It's so complex, yet so easy at the same time, right? I don't even feel angry any more. I'm mostly happy in general, but sad that I can't share my happy moments with the man I love. The only person I could be angry at is myself anyway. I fully understand trauma bonding - I thought that's what I was experiencing but I don't think it was.
HoneyBadger1 - WOW!!! I'm so proud of you for not texting back! Their timing is impeccable, isn't it? While I admire his honesty, I don't like that he didn't respect your request for no contact. And come on, sex? Yes, we want it but you'd think he could be just a shard more creative than flat out giving in to his animal instincts and quick fix to the pleasure centre to make him feel good about things. How did today go for you? I assume he should be tired from dancing around in your head all day. I am so, so, so happy that me opening up about my situation was able to be of benefit to someone. I mean, not happy about what you're going through but I'm glad I could be of assistance. I can't seem to get that to sound right lol
I don't know at what point you become strong enough to be around them. I've never experienced this before with any ex! I've a,ways been glad to see them go (yes, I was a total heartless bitch!). I'm afraid if I even give a yellow light that the pedal will go straight to the metal and off we go again. Uuuugh, make it go away!!!
Ironically enough, I keep thinking about the open wound analogy the past week or so. Picking scabs. Lol. Gross! Or a bug bite - the more you scratch it, the more irritating it becomes! We have to be strong & hold our bottom lines. I believe in true love - if our relationships are meant to be, our addicts will find their way back to us as long as we reinforce our boundaries. Hugs, prayers & strength sent to you all <3
HoneyBadger1 - WOW!!! I'm so proud of you for not texting back! Their timing is impeccable, isn't it? While I admire his honesty, I don't like that he didn't respect your request for no contact. And come on, sex? Yes, we want it but you'd think he could be just a shard more creative than flat out giving in to his animal instincts and quick fix to the pleasure centre to make him feel good about things. How did today go for you? I assume he should be tired from dancing around in your head all day. I am so, so, so happy that me opening up about my situation was able to be of benefit to someone. I mean, not happy about what you're going through but I'm glad I could be of assistance. I can't seem to get that to sound right lol
I don't know at what point you become strong enough to be around them. I've never experienced this before with any ex! I've a,ways been glad to see them go (yes, I was a total heartless bitch!). I'm afraid if I even give a yellow light that the pedal will go straight to the metal and off we go again. Uuuugh, make it go away!!!
Ironically enough, I keep thinking about the open wound analogy the past week or so. Picking scabs. Lol. Gross! Or a bug bite - the more you scratch it, the more irritating it becomes! We have to be strong & hold our bottom lines. I believe in true love - if our relationships are meant to be, our addicts will find their way back to us as long as we reinforce our boundaries. Hugs, prayers & strength sent to you all <3
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