My recent trip home – just VENTING!
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My recent trip home – just VENTING!
As most of you know I do have an AH who is working his own issues. The reason I am here are for my own issues I have with my mother. She is not an alcoholic but was raised and abused by one. She never did and NEVER will get help.
So I recently went home for a small weekend trip, we can call it a surprise. Knowing that there would be lots of family and excitement I prepared myself (I thought) for my mother’s behavior. My parents were beyond thrilled that I was there. I was excited as well but honestly after an hour or so I could see why I had moved away. Sad isn’t it…spent all these years blaming my AH for the move and didn’t want to open my eyes to the truth. I didn’t move because of his dysfunction, I moved because of my family’s dysfunction.
I became aware of how quickly I could slip back into bad behavior; in fact I had to keep pulling myself back in line. I am so very thankful I was able to recognize these behaviors and back away from them.
Prior to my visit my siblings and I tried our best to head off our mom from cooking all day. We all volunteered to cook something for our gathering, done deal right? Not! As the guests began to show up everyone was outdoors visiting and having fun – the five siblings were there cooking and doing our part but guess who else, you got it – Mom. She had all this company and was there in the kitchen trying to take over. I have two sisters and the three of us kept telling her to please go and visit and leave us to handle the situation, we are all more than capable of cooking dinner. She kept making excuses and she was being nervous and started with the excuses “what if this happens”, “what if we don’t have enough of that”, “who will watch this”. I finally grabbed her by the shoulders and said, “Mom, we told you we got this, you are not supposed to be in the kitchen. You have over 30 guests that are here to visit with you, please go visit with your company”. She did.
For church there was a miscommunication and the three rows that were to be reserved were not so we couldn’t sit together, she started to cry. In my mind I was just glad we were all there, I didn’t need to be sitting on top of my siblings and their family’s right? Again, this was NOT good enough. She tried to start directing others who were already seated to move, my dad just told her we are fine, it is no big deal. I could see it all over her face that this WAS a big deal. During mass while we were offering everyone around us peace she grabbed my hand and started pulling on it, well I was in the middle of giving peace to others around me, not ignoring her. When she pulled on me the second time I turned and said, Okay…..give me a second. This made her VERY unhappy but I mean seriously, I didn’t want to be rude to the folks who already had my hand.
Fast forward to me having to board my plane, although the airport is small they still have security. I guess she figured we would have along drawn out farewell but the airline was calling passengers to thru the gates, time to go! I gave quick hugs, and thanks for everything to her and my dad. She then said she would follow me as far as she could to hug me again. Me, taking complete advantage of a funny situation (I am my father’s daughter) I say, “well I don’t know, can’t be breaking any TSA rules” and from out of the blue she becomes a toddler and all the ugly childhood memories flood back in an instant, she says to me “I am not stupid, I don’t know why all of you think I am stupid”. In shock I was almost speechless but I belted back “No one said you were stupid, those words NEVER came out of my mouth, it was a just a joke, to be funny”. My dad, he just walks off because he knows this is how she is and she will never change, but I held on to the comment and it still bothers me today. In fact I was so pissed that I really didn’t want to be bothered by the last hug (Who is the toddler now). I did give another quick hug over the rope but then said, “I have to go”. I mean the TSA agent was waiting for me and there were people behind me; thru security and a quick wave farewell and off to the plane.
Geesh! Am I wrong to want to be so distant from my mom? I love her but find it very hard to be close to her.
I want everyone reading this to understand that this is her behavior her entire life! How can anyone want to continue to live like this? Constantly offended by something and she gets pissed when you don’t “agree” with her views. It is exhausting!
If I want to dig deep I can maybe connect her “toddler” behavior with me leaving, if that makes sense. Hard to explain in writing.
The best part - we go back in December, all of us this time, for a longer visit.....again, excited but not ready for all the "stuff" that comes with it!
I don’t know – I needed to vent about it and this was the best place I could think of. Sorry for the ramble but thanks for stopping by!
So I recently went home for a small weekend trip, we can call it a surprise. Knowing that there would be lots of family and excitement I prepared myself (I thought) for my mother’s behavior. My parents were beyond thrilled that I was there. I was excited as well but honestly after an hour or so I could see why I had moved away. Sad isn’t it…spent all these years blaming my AH for the move and didn’t want to open my eyes to the truth. I didn’t move because of his dysfunction, I moved because of my family’s dysfunction.
I became aware of how quickly I could slip back into bad behavior; in fact I had to keep pulling myself back in line. I am so very thankful I was able to recognize these behaviors and back away from them.
Prior to my visit my siblings and I tried our best to head off our mom from cooking all day. We all volunteered to cook something for our gathering, done deal right? Not! As the guests began to show up everyone was outdoors visiting and having fun – the five siblings were there cooking and doing our part but guess who else, you got it – Mom. She had all this company and was there in the kitchen trying to take over. I have two sisters and the three of us kept telling her to please go and visit and leave us to handle the situation, we are all more than capable of cooking dinner. She kept making excuses and she was being nervous and started with the excuses “what if this happens”, “what if we don’t have enough of that”, “who will watch this”. I finally grabbed her by the shoulders and said, “Mom, we told you we got this, you are not supposed to be in the kitchen. You have over 30 guests that are here to visit with you, please go visit with your company”. She did.
For church there was a miscommunication and the three rows that were to be reserved were not so we couldn’t sit together, she started to cry. In my mind I was just glad we were all there, I didn’t need to be sitting on top of my siblings and their family’s right? Again, this was NOT good enough. She tried to start directing others who were already seated to move, my dad just told her we are fine, it is no big deal. I could see it all over her face that this WAS a big deal. During mass while we were offering everyone around us peace she grabbed my hand and started pulling on it, well I was in the middle of giving peace to others around me, not ignoring her. When she pulled on me the second time I turned and said, Okay…..give me a second. This made her VERY unhappy but I mean seriously, I didn’t want to be rude to the folks who already had my hand.
Fast forward to me having to board my plane, although the airport is small they still have security. I guess she figured we would have along drawn out farewell but the airline was calling passengers to thru the gates, time to go! I gave quick hugs, and thanks for everything to her and my dad. She then said she would follow me as far as she could to hug me again. Me, taking complete advantage of a funny situation (I am my father’s daughter) I say, “well I don’t know, can’t be breaking any TSA rules” and from out of the blue she becomes a toddler and all the ugly childhood memories flood back in an instant, she says to me “I am not stupid, I don’t know why all of you think I am stupid”. In shock I was almost speechless but I belted back “No one said you were stupid, those words NEVER came out of my mouth, it was a just a joke, to be funny”. My dad, he just walks off because he knows this is how she is and she will never change, but I held on to the comment and it still bothers me today. In fact I was so pissed that I really didn’t want to be bothered by the last hug (Who is the toddler now). I did give another quick hug over the rope but then said, “I have to go”. I mean the TSA agent was waiting for me and there were people behind me; thru security and a quick wave farewell and off to the plane.
Geesh! Am I wrong to want to be so distant from my mom? I love her but find it very hard to be close to her.
I want everyone reading this to understand that this is her behavior her entire life! How can anyone want to continue to live like this? Constantly offended by something and she gets pissed when you don’t “agree” with her views. It is exhausting!
If I want to dig deep I can maybe connect her “toddler” behavior with me leaving, if that makes sense. Hard to explain in writing.
The best part - we go back in December, all of us this time, for a longer visit.....again, excited but not ready for all the "stuff" that comes with it!
I don’t know – I needed to vent about it and this was the best place I could think of. Sorry for the ramble but thanks for stopping by!
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Oh wow, it sounds stressful. Vent away, that is what we are here for! I understand this to some extent, my father is sort of like this. His issue is worry, so he will bug the everloving crap out of you about some little nothing issue, then explode when you don't worry about it like he does. And to top it off, he has dementia so he may not remember that you just talked about this a bit ago. It will drive you mad. He has been like this our entire lives.
As I've gotten older I am learning to love the good parts about him and leave the rest behind as much as possible. I try to only go to their house in pretty short bouts, for a couple of hours at a time. I have to confess, I blame it on my dog LOL! I say I don't want to have to drag the dog over with me. They live less than an hour away though, so that part is different.
I can only say I understand, and that anytime you need to vent I am here for you! XXX
As I've gotten older I am learning to love the good parts about him and leave the rest behind as much as possible. I try to only go to their house in pretty short bouts, for a couple of hours at a time. I have to confess, I blame it on my dog LOL! I say I don't want to have to drag the dog over with me. They live less than an hour away though, so that part is different.
I can only say I understand, and that anytime you need to vent I am here for you! XXX
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Before every visit I make to my childhood home, I remind myself that it's not up to me to control my mother or try to change her, but to accept her for exactly who she is and make sure I'm not expecting her to have changed into someone else since my last visit. It's not up to me to make sure she enjoys herself, relaxes, doesn't make a fuss or doesn't embarrass herself in front of anyone else. At the end of the day, if I go to bed stewing over something she's done or said that was absolutely to be expected of her, then that's on me.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to live or behave the way my mother does. But she gets to choose the way she lives and behaves, and I get to choose how often I can stand it.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to live or behave the way my mother does. But she gets to choose the way she lives and behaves, and I get to choose how often I can stand it.
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OMG.....I know exactly what you are talking about!! Every time I visited my mother's house....if the visit was more than 4hrs.....she would begin many of the same things you describe.
On the plane....I would be gripping my husband's hand and praying...."Dear God, please grant me the STRENGTH to survive without getting sucked into the quagmire". Sometimes, going back on the plane, I would be crying because her behavior had caused a sick pit in my stomach....once again.....
Yet, I l oved my mother. In so many ways she was a good mother. But, she had her own baggage and demons.....and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that......
I just can't tell you HOW MUCH I understand......(sob).....
Thank God I had moved several miles away when I was a very young adult. I sometimes felt "guilty" because I had moved away (to pursue my education and employment, etc.) I didn't do it to "get away from her"......but, I am so glad that I did, because if I hadn't, my life would have been an absolute misery....
dandylion
On the plane....I would be gripping my husband's hand and praying...."Dear God, please grant me the STRENGTH to survive without getting sucked into the quagmire". Sometimes, going back on the plane, I would be crying because her behavior had caused a sick pit in my stomach....once again.....
Yet, I l oved my mother. In so many ways she was a good mother. But, she had her own baggage and demons.....and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that......
I just can't tell you HOW MUCH I understand......(sob).....
Thank God I had moved several miles away when I was a very young adult. I sometimes felt "guilty" because I had moved away (to pursue my education and employment, etc.) I didn't do it to "get away from her"......but, I am so glad that I did, because if I hadn't, my life would have been an absolute misery....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
OMG.....I know exactly what you are talking about!! Every time I visited my mother's house....if the visit was more than 4hrs.....she would begin many of the same things you describe.
On the plane....I would be gripping my husband's hand and praying...."Dear God, please grant me the STRENGTH to survive without getting sucked into the quagmire". Sometimes, going back on the plane, I would be crying because her behavior had caused a sick pit in my stomach....once again.....
Yet, I l oved my mother. In so many ways she was a good mother. But, she had her own baggage and demons.....and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that......
I just can't tell you HOW MUCH I understand......(sob).....
Thank God I had moved several miles away when I was a very young adult. I sometimes felt "guilty" because I had moved away (to pursue my education and employment, etc.) I didn't do it to "get away from her"......but, I am so glad that I did, because if I hadn't, my life would have been an absolute misery....
dandylion
On the plane....I would be gripping my husband's hand and praying...."Dear God, please grant me the STRENGTH to survive without getting sucked into the quagmire". Sometimes, going back on the plane, I would be crying because her behavior had caused a sick pit in my stomach....once again.....
Yet, I l oved my mother. In so many ways she was a good mother. But, she had her own baggage and demons.....and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that......
I just can't tell you HOW MUCH I understand......(sob).....
Thank God I had moved several miles away when I was a very young adult. I sometimes felt "guilty" because I had moved away (to pursue my education and employment, etc.) I didn't do it to "get away from her"......but, I am so glad that I did, because if I hadn't, my life would have been an absolute misery....
dandylion
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Know the triggers-
Family stuff for me was buried deep underneath a lot of other pieces I needed to work on first.
Working on family of origin stuff was the last piece I was willing to look at, and in many was it has been the hardest.
This is old, hard stuff and in many instances (for me at least) the bedrock of my childhood and it in part made me who I am.
Please be gentle with you. The fact that you recognized it, dealt with it head on and got back home is a testament to your growth....regardless of how hard the emotions were that came up around it.
Family stuff for me was buried deep underneath a lot of other pieces I needed to work on first.
Working on family of origin stuff was the last piece I was willing to look at, and in many was it has been the hardest.
This is old, hard stuff and in many instances (for me at least) the bedrock of my childhood and it in part made me who I am.
Please be gentle with you. The fact that you recognized it, dealt with it head on and got back home is a testament to your growth....regardless of how hard the emotions were that came up around it.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Know the triggers-
Family stuff for me was buried deep underneath a lot of other pieces I needed to work on first.
Working on family of origin stuff was the last piece I was willing to look at, and in many was it has been the hardest.
This is old, hard stuff and in many instances (for me at least) the bedrock of my childhood and it in part made me who I am.
Please be gentle with you. The fact that you recognized it, dealt with it head on and got back home is a testament to your growth....regardless of how hard the emotions were that came up around it.
Family stuff for me was buried deep underneath a lot of other pieces I needed to work on first.
Working on family of origin stuff was the last piece I was willing to look at, and in many was it has been the hardest.
This is old, hard stuff and in many instances (for me at least) the bedrock of my childhood and it in part made me who I am.
Please be gentle with you. The fact that you recognized it, dealt with it head on and got back home is a testament to your growth....regardless of how hard the emotions were that came up around it.
Thank you for this LifeRecovery!
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Totally understand. My mom is super controlling, anxious, and will also fly off the handle if you don't take her anxiety subjects with the same seriousness and urgency that she does -- to boot she will triangulate the siblings so that she always has one that she can "disclose" to at the expense of the others.
I went through a lot of counseling when I was divorcing XAH that also revolved around my FOO stuff, and my counselor gently suggested that my mom might have a personality disorder. Whether or not she does, I treat her as though she does, and it has helped me manage her quirks and pressures, including handling other family that gets hooked in, without taking it personally.
I went through a lot of counseling when I was divorcing XAH that also revolved around my FOO stuff, and my counselor gently suggested that my mom might have a personality disorder. Whether or not she does, I treat her as though she does, and it has helped me manage her quirks and pressures, including handling other family that gets hooked in, without taking it personally.
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Knowtheyriggers she sounds EXHAUSTING, good Lord! I don't know her background but I'm guessing she hasn't had that much in terms of responsibility beyond keeping house and family in order and freaking out if any of that feels beyond her control. You're all adults but she hasn't been able to mature in the relationships as time goes by and gets defensive and childlike with her reactions when "called out". I don't blame you for "loving from afar ".
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I see so much of her in myself not very long ago. And yet I also see it in my mom, and as much as I needed to have acceptance of myself, it was/is harder to accept my mom how she is.
I know when I'm over the top, stressing too much, etc. I honestly could not help myself, and then expected more of myself and could never live up to anyone else's expectations or my own.
To almost always feel unwanted and not enough. Cooking was something I could do and a fallback in stressful situations. I didn't know how to socialize or even relate to and enjoy my family. I've been sicker than my husband.
I had my own successful business and sold it for a profit, yet I'm stressed in family situations.
I'm healing. I am enough, as I am. I'm learning how to let go & let God. I'm learning how to have relationships. None of it's been easy, but it's been very worthwhile.
Sending love, warmth, prayers and gentle hugs for both of you. Yes, I completely understand. I often have been the one who is VERY difficult to be around.
I know when I'm over the top, stressing too much, etc. I honestly could not help myself, and then expected more of myself and could never live up to anyone else's expectations or my own.
To almost always feel unwanted and not enough. Cooking was something I could do and a fallback in stressful situations. I didn't know how to socialize or even relate to and enjoy my family. I've been sicker than my husband.
I had my own successful business and sold it for a profit, yet I'm stressed in family situations.
I'm healing. I am enough, as I am. I'm learning how to let go & let God. I'm learning how to have relationships. None of it's been easy, but it's been very worthwhile.
Sending love, warmth, prayers and gentle hugs for both of you. Yes, I completely understand. I often have been the one who is VERY difficult to be around.
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There are some similarities between your mother and mine. Her behavior at times as driven me into the red zone where I had to walk away or I might choke her.
I have heard "do you think I am stupid"? before many times.
What I think this comes from is obviously control issues. Also an inability to express opinion or explain the "why's" of what she thinks about certain issues. Questioning my mother is a ticket to hell. Check out the concrete operational stage of development. Some people never move beyond this stage in cognitive development for a myriad of reasons.
Like you I love my mom deeply. She is old now and very sick. About 15 years ago or so for the sake of my own sanity I changed because she was not going to. I just don't do things anymore that might illicit an argument. Certainly I NEVER challenge her perspective though I don't agree with it a lot of the time. A nod of the head is enough or saying "I don't agree with you but I don't want to discuss it". I walk away if necessary normally I don't have to. I change the topic immediately.
This has worked for me - I am not saying its 100%. Sometimes her behavior is jaw dropping. I allow her more leash I suppose because she is my mom. They live in another state. Its not something I have to deal with al the time. And, its not every visit either.
I have heard "do you think I am stupid"? before many times.
What I think this comes from is obviously control issues. Also an inability to express opinion or explain the "why's" of what she thinks about certain issues. Questioning my mother is a ticket to hell. Check out the concrete operational stage of development. Some people never move beyond this stage in cognitive development for a myriad of reasons.
Like you I love my mom deeply. She is old now and very sick. About 15 years ago or so for the sake of my own sanity I changed because she was not going to. I just don't do things anymore that might illicit an argument. Certainly I NEVER challenge her perspective though I don't agree with it a lot of the time. A nod of the head is enough or saying "I don't agree with you but I don't want to discuss it". I walk away if necessary normally I don't have to. I change the topic immediately.
This has worked for me - I am not saying its 100%. Sometimes her behavior is jaw dropping. I allow her more leash I suppose because she is my mom. They live in another state. Its not something I have to deal with al the time. And, its not every visit either.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
What I think this comes from is obviously control issues.
Questioning my mother is a ticket to hell.
Questioning my mother is a ticket to hell.
Gosh that sound HORRIBLE doesn't it...
As crazy as this sounds, had it not been for my husband and his issues I would have never stepped into an Alanon meeting and I would have never "seen" this side of her. I feel blessed to be part of Alanon and SR. It helps me keep my eyes open and focused. Helps me stay on track and teach my daughters healing methods and not push them the opposite direction.
We live 16 hours from our home town. I won't lie, I do get homesick but all it takes is ONE phone call home to remind myself this is where I need to be, just me and my little family.
Thanks to all who posted and shared. You all have no idea who helpful all of your words have been.
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Know the triggers-
My personal belief is that as a human being I have always been trying to get healing for myself. Sometimes my ways were a little questionable. I truly feel that my relationship with my ex problem drinker was what I needed to experience to decide to live my life differently.
It was only because I choose that relationship and needed to heal from it that I got the opportunity to see the family of origin stuff I needed to work on and heal from. I am in the middle of that family stuff and though it is hard I am SO grateful that I got a chance to open up that wound, clean it out and eventually heal it back together. Previously I was just trying to pretend it did not exist.
It helps me to realize the "purpose" for the challenges in my life over the last number of years. Acute discomfort/pain for long term healing keeps me from beating myself up about previous choices. I do better when I know better.
My personal belief is that as a human being I have always been trying to get healing for myself. Sometimes my ways were a little questionable. I truly feel that my relationship with my ex problem drinker was what I needed to experience to decide to live my life differently.
It was only because I choose that relationship and needed to heal from it that I got the opportunity to see the family of origin stuff I needed to work on and heal from. I am in the middle of that family stuff and though it is hard I am SO grateful that I got a chance to open up that wound, clean it out and eventually heal it back together. Previously I was just trying to pretend it did not exist.
It helps me to realize the "purpose" for the challenges in my life over the last number of years. Acute discomfort/pain for long term healing keeps me from beating myself up about previous choices. I do better when I know better.
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Oh, I relate too well these days. I've been working through, digging up the roots of my non-A, utterly dysfunctional mommy issues over the last 4-5 months & it's been intense to say the least.
Ugh, I understand this. Unfortunately. You know what I am finding to be true about *my* situation? I have attachment issues because my mom never really bonded with us as kids or formed any real attachments with us. No WONDER I find detachment/no contact so easy to maintain! My sister is the same way - she ends relationships, romantic & otherwise, there is never any going back... once you're out, you're out forever. RAH is the first person in my life that is not a blood relative that I have actually worked on forgiving; I mean that literally.... forgiveness is the hardest, highest hurdle for me because I have never, ever forgiven anyone for anything in my life - not really. It is WORK for me to forgive truly & not just temporarily.
I've had to face similar truths too KTT, leaving home at 17 with zero direction had much, much more to do with getting away from my mom than my recovering father. I know some may disagree or take offense, but in a way her damage was far worse & more challenging because it had no definition, no label, no box that it fit into. OTOH, dad's addictions were easy to identify, link to dysfunction, etc. His progression was even somewhat predictable but every day was a roller coaster with mom & there was never ANY understanding of the reasons why.
She's also very different with me (the oldest) vs. my sister (youngest).... she speaks to us differently & always has & she uses that subconsciously to triangulate between us. I think the triangulation relates to control because when she's "left out" (sis & I have any conversation without her) she melts down & gets totally offended that we're "doing stuff" without her. Wtf? We aren't allowed to have a relationship without including her in every single detail? Don't even get me started on how insane it is to raise your kids with ongoing passive-aggressive behavior & then demand respect from them at every turn.
Now that her own therapy has stalled & I am still running at my recovery head-on, we've gotten farther apart than we had been over the last couple of years. She's reverting to old ways (because she wasn't in therapy long enough to create change, just long enough to identify her damage) & I'm far, far less tolerant than ever. In digging up the roots of my eating disorder/body image issues, I was shocked to find how much of it related to my mother & her damage spilling over onto me. Frankly, I need some time & distance to really think it through & let myself be angry & resentful at "What Was" so I don't carry it over against "What Is".... I need to be able to put it into context with what I've recently learned about her damage but not until I've let myself REALLY FEEL the emotions it brings.
I WANT to love her, I want to know what other people mean when they say their moms are their friends, part of their trusted inner-circle, but I have NO clue how to love my mother without obligation or guilt. She's never guided me in life in anything, never teaching me anything about being a girl, a daughter, a person but I've had LOTS of "don't you know better?"'s , unintentional shaming & blaming.
And you know what? A part of me is so damn mad & sees her as choosing to hold onto this victim role even in her healing process. I'm furious right now that she chose to hold this info about her childhood damage for alllllllllll these years instead of even TRYING. I'm irked that we were raised through the lens of her abuse & that I've spent my entire life making lemonade out of other people's leftover lemons..... AF, her, RAH.
A couple of weeks ago she "confronted" me because she could feel that I'd pulled away recently & I flat out told her that I wasn't ready to talk about it having not processed it all, but she pushed just a bit anyway & I ended up lashing back, telling her that "I don't understand why *I* am damaged not just by my AF but by your crap too, yet *I* have to be responsible for my own healing & recovery but you DON'T for some reason? How is THAT fair??"
Geesh! Am I wrong to want to be so distant from my mom? I love her but find it very hard to be close to her.
I want everyone reading this to understand that this is her behavior her entire life! How can anyone want to continue to live like this? Constantly offended by something and she gets pissed when you don’t “agree” with her views. It is exhausting!
I want everyone reading this to understand that this is her behavior her entire life! How can anyone want to continue to live like this? Constantly offended by something and she gets pissed when you don’t “agree” with her views. It is exhausting!
I've had to face similar truths too KTT, leaving home at 17 with zero direction had much, much more to do with getting away from my mom than my recovering father. I know some may disagree or take offense, but in a way her damage was far worse & more challenging because it had no definition, no label, no box that it fit into. OTOH, dad's addictions were easy to identify, link to dysfunction, etc. His progression was even somewhat predictable but every day was a roller coaster with mom & there was never ANY understanding of the reasons why.
She's also very different with me (the oldest) vs. my sister (youngest).... she speaks to us differently & always has & she uses that subconsciously to triangulate between us. I think the triangulation relates to control because when she's "left out" (sis & I have any conversation without her) she melts down & gets totally offended that we're "doing stuff" without her. Wtf? We aren't allowed to have a relationship without including her in every single detail? Don't even get me started on how insane it is to raise your kids with ongoing passive-aggressive behavior & then demand respect from them at every turn.
Now that her own therapy has stalled & I am still running at my recovery head-on, we've gotten farther apart than we had been over the last couple of years. She's reverting to old ways (because she wasn't in therapy long enough to create change, just long enough to identify her damage) & I'm far, far less tolerant than ever. In digging up the roots of my eating disorder/body image issues, I was shocked to find how much of it related to my mother & her damage spilling over onto me. Frankly, I need some time & distance to really think it through & let myself be angry & resentful at "What Was" so I don't carry it over against "What Is".... I need to be able to put it into context with what I've recently learned about her damage but not until I've let myself REALLY FEEL the emotions it brings.
I WANT to love her, I want to know what other people mean when they say their moms are their friends, part of their trusted inner-circle, but I have NO clue how to love my mother without obligation or guilt. She's never guided me in life in anything, never teaching me anything about being a girl, a daughter, a person but I've had LOTS of "don't you know better?"'s , unintentional shaming & blaming.
And you know what? A part of me is so damn mad & sees her as choosing to hold onto this victim role even in her healing process. I'm furious right now that she chose to hold this info about her childhood damage for alllllllllll these years instead of even TRYING. I'm irked that we were raised through the lens of her abuse & that I've spent my entire life making lemonade out of other people's leftover lemons..... AF, her, RAH.
A couple of weeks ago she "confronted" me because she could feel that I'd pulled away recently & I flat out told her that I wasn't ready to talk about it having not processed it all, but she pushed just a bit anyway & I ended up lashing back, telling her that "I don't understand why *I* am damaged not just by my AF but by your crap too, yet *I* have to be responsible for my own healing & recovery but you DON'T for some reason? How is THAT fair??"
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I just want to say thank you for posting this initially knowthetriggers.
2015 has been for me about digging into my FOO issues, and though my mom is really different then yours, I am FEELING really similar things.
I spent most of the spring NOT in touch with my mom for the first time ever....because I was just so angry and I needed to feel that instead of letting myself verbal vomit all over her.
If it is any consulation, my therapist thinks the stuff I am working on now is the "last hurrah," for a lot of my stuff in life (and I agree).
This post has been really normalizing for me, and I need that.
2015 has been for me about digging into my FOO issues, and though my mom is really different then yours, I am FEELING really similar things.
I spent most of the spring NOT in touch with my mom for the first time ever....because I was just so angry and I needed to feel that instead of letting myself verbal vomit all over her.
If it is any consulation, my therapist thinks the stuff I am working on now is the "last hurrah," for a lot of my stuff in life (and I agree).
This post has been really normalizing for me, and I need that.
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