broke no contact with ex after 2 months...advice please!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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broke no contact with ex after 2 months...advice please!
I was staying strong with 2 months of no contact with my ex bf and finally caved (I hesitated a LONG time before texting him). It's been 3 months since we broke up and he got back from rehab. I've been doing well at staying focused on my goals and being healthy, but thinking about him/us/addiction still very much takes up my thoughts. I've been making an effort to accept everything but it's not easy. And I'm also trying to understand my role in it all. But all the unknown answers and hurting in my heart made me reach out to him.
Anyways, he said he's still doing very well and staying on track. Going to meetings everyday, has grown immensely spiritually/physically/mentally, is living a healthy lifestyle and is social again, etc. Basically that it's been stressful with all these changes but he's very happy with where he is. I'm proud of him but i can't help but to be resentful that I was never able to share this with him. I also expressed that he'll always have a deep place in my heart and despite all the hard times I do miss him, but he didn't reciprocate and respond to that which hurts. But he did say he appreciates what I said, and that he cares for and respects me.
Something that really stung was that he told me he's keeping his eyes open (as he thinks I should), and that he met someone he likes. He said they're talking, but not dating. He's considering whether he should pursue it or not because he knows he needs to focus on recovery first. This hurt like hell that he could already having feelings for someone else. We were together for 3 years and he still doesn't understand the ways in which i was hurt...all the lies and betrayal I went through...the hoping and waiting that he could get better and we could have the things we both wanted together. I guess i assumed that once he had some clean time that he would want to share it with me rather than someone new.
He said that I'm being selfish for resenting him, rather than being happy that he's making progress and feeling good again. I am happy he's feeling well, but I just can't fathom that now he's feeling better he wants to share it all with someone else and doesn't even give me a second thought. I'm over here trying to process everything and am still consumed with thinking about him and the relationship, yet he just thinks about himself. And it seems from the outside that tossing me to the side is coming easy for him. If he's so focused on recovery and has grown spiritually, wouldn't he feel that he should own up to his mistakes and make amends with me? And shouldn't he not be thinking of pursing a new relationship if they stress in the program not to date someone new for a year? With how much he said he's grown, and with all that we went through together, I find it hard to believe that he's thinking and acting this way. Im left here trying to understand and accept all of this. It's like he has no remorse for what I went through and doesn't want to try to make it better and share it with me. I guess he wants to do what's easy and find someone who doesn't know about his addiction, or to be with someone he doesn't need to make things up to.
He also told me that the one thing he didn't like about me was that I couldn't put my emotions aside and help him in need of crisis and support him. This relates to 2 particular scenarios. He said they were the only 2 times in our 3 years together that he asked me to put our relationship issues aside and be there for him. He said that's the most important thing he needs to be mutual in a relationship, and that my emotional reactions during these times pushed him away. He said he's left wondering how i would help or react in similar situations in the future, because he feels I won’t be able to support him when he’s pleading for me to be there in time of crisis.
Can someone please help me process and understand all of this. Thank you for reading.
Anyways, he said he's still doing very well and staying on track. Going to meetings everyday, has grown immensely spiritually/physically/mentally, is living a healthy lifestyle and is social again, etc. Basically that it's been stressful with all these changes but he's very happy with where he is. I'm proud of him but i can't help but to be resentful that I was never able to share this with him. I also expressed that he'll always have a deep place in my heart and despite all the hard times I do miss him, but he didn't reciprocate and respond to that which hurts. But he did say he appreciates what I said, and that he cares for and respects me.
Something that really stung was that he told me he's keeping his eyes open (as he thinks I should), and that he met someone he likes. He said they're talking, but not dating. He's considering whether he should pursue it or not because he knows he needs to focus on recovery first. This hurt like hell that he could already having feelings for someone else. We were together for 3 years and he still doesn't understand the ways in which i was hurt...all the lies and betrayal I went through...the hoping and waiting that he could get better and we could have the things we both wanted together. I guess i assumed that once he had some clean time that he would want to share it with me rather than someone new.
He said that I'm being selfish for resenting him, rather than being happy that he's making progress and feeling good again. I am happy he's feeling well, but I just can't fathom that now he's feeling better he wants to share it all with someone else and doesn't even give me a second thought. I'm over here trying to process everything and am still consumed with thinking about him and the relationship, yet he just thinks about himself. And it seems from the outside that tossing me to the side is coming easy for him. If he's so focused on recovery and has grown spiritually, wouldn't he feel that he should own up to his mistakes and make amends with me? And shouldn't he not be thinking of pursing a new relationship if they stress in the program not to date someone new for a year? With how much he said he's grown, and with all that we went through together, I find it hard to believe that he's thinking and acting this way. Im left here trying to understand and accept all of this. It's like he has no remorse for what I went through and doesn't want to try to make it better and share it with me. I guess he wants to do what's easy and find someone who doesn't know about his addiction, or to be with someone he doesn't need to make things up to.
He also told me that the one thing he didn't like about me was that I couldn't put my emotions aside and help him in need of crisis and support him. This relates to 2 particular scenarios. He said they were the only 2 times in our 3 years together that he asked me to put our relationship issues aside and be there for him. He said that's the most important thing he needs to be mutual in a relationship, and that my emotional reactions during these times pushed him away. He said he's left wondering how i would help or react in similar situations in the future, because he feels I won’t be able to support him when he’s pleading for me to be there in time of crisis.
Can someone please help me process and understand all of this. Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
OK, so in the past 3 months he’s gone through rehab, attends meetings everyday and has grown spiritually/physically/mentally and is living a healthy lifestyle and has become social again.
In these past 3 months what have you done for your own recovery?
In these past 3 months what have you done for your own recovery?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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He said that I'm being selfish for resenting him, rather than being happy that he's making progress and feeling good again. I am happy he's feeling well, but I just can't fathom that now he's feeling better he wants to share it all with someone else and doesn't even give me a second thought.
The reason why he would want to "share it with someone else" is because that's easier for him to share it with someone he's hurt by using drug. When we're in the new stage of a relationship, it's all pleasure center and no responsibility. What happens when he has to be an accountable, responsible partner in a romantic relationship?
And that's easy to answer: he can't do it.
In the meantime (and I say this with affection), the next time you want to text him or talk to him, throw yourself cellphone out the window because there is nothing good down that road. Ever.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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well, you two DID break up right? which means each person is free to go on about their live as THEY see fit. and if that means they find someone else in a week or a year, that's just how it is.
do keep in mind that he is in VERY early recovery and is riding the "pink cloud" where everything seems new and wonderful - being OFF drugs can be quite euphoric. but it is still a very small amount of time to even begin to bring about real change after years and years of drug abuse and destruction. in other words, he has a long ways to go.
each of you upon reflection VIEW the relationship you had differently. if he was using most or all of the time, he was in a haze and his mental and emotional processes stunted. or he truly just saw things in a different way than you did.
breaking no contact rarely gives the person the results they hoped for. RARELY. you could use this last contact as closure, if you choose, then return to no contact and move on with YOUR life!!!
do keep in mind that he is in VERY early recovery and is riding the "pink cloud" where everything seems new and wonderful - being OFF drugs can be quite euphoric. but it is still a very small amount of time to even begin to bring about real change after years and years of drug abuse and destruction. in other words, he has a long ways to go.
each of you upon reflection VIEW the relationship you had differently. if he was using most or all of the time, he was in a haze and his mental and emotional processes stunted. or he truly just saw things in a different way than you did.
breaking no contact rarely gives the person the results they hoped for. RARELY. you could use this last contact as closure, if you choose, then return to no contact and move on with YOUR life!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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atalose, thank you for asking that. i know i should focus on myself more. i've been going to the gym, doing yoga, seeing my friends, doing my grad school work. i'm trying to stay busy and healthy. the question is, how do i get him (and us and addiction) out of my head? i know he's probably barely thinking of me or the relationship at all, so it's unhealthy and one sided. i get that. i guess i fell into this pattern of thinking and it's hard to break it.
zoso, it really is such a pleasure seeking disease. yet they are in such denial about it! it's hard to wrap my head around it because i don't think i could ever behave in such a way. and it's tough sometimes to not take it personally. but i guess i need to accept that's just the way it is.
anvil, thank you for the blunt advice. yes we are broken up, so i know i need to move forward and not allow all of this to take up so much headspace. easier said than done, but i do feel myself getting stronger as time goes on.
zoso, it really is such a pleasure seeking disease. yet they are in such denial about it! it's hard to wrap my head around it because i don't think i could ever behave in such a way. and it's tough sometimes to not take it personally. but i guess i need to accept that's just the way it is.
anvil, thank you for the blunt advice. yes we are broken up, so i know i need to move forward and not allow all of this to take up so much headspace. easier said than done, but i do feel myself getting stronger as time goes on.
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zoso, it really is such a pleasure seeking disease. yet they are in such denial about it! it's hard to wrap my head around it because i don't think i could ever behave in such a way. and it's tough sometimes to not take it personally. but i guess i need to accept that's just the way it is.
But what's the alternative? Hanging on for dear life at a high cost while he's doing whatever it is he does without regard for the consequences?
Just because he's self destructing doesn't mean you should, too.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: New England
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No contact is hard. Really hard. If you don't have addiction issues yourself, it's probably the closest you will ever come to knowing how the addict in your life feels about their drug of choice. It is a constant battle not to pick up the phone or send an email. But absolutely nothing good can come from it. Every day there is no contact, your wounds are healing a little bit, forming a new scab over the pain. Any contact rips that scab away and reopens the wound.
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is. I wish I had a magic wand to turn my feelings off, but it doesn't work that way. So I try to focus on myself and every time I get the urge to reach out, I do something to distract myself.
Stay strong. It's about you, not him.
HB
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is. I wish I had a magic wand to turn my feelings off, but it doesn't work that way. So I try to focus on myself and every time I get the urge to reach out, I do something to distract myself.
Stay strong. It's about you, not him.
HB
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HB, I’ve definitley come to the point where I realize we become addicted to the addict. It was hard to admit at first but now that recognize it, I know that I need to work on my own self too. I think one of the things that hurts the most is knowing that I’ve put so much time and energy into thinking/analyzing everything, while he just continues to be absorbed in himself and in denial about certain things. It really sucks feeling tossed aside after all that I went through with him, and him acting like he can so easily move on. But i guess I need to be just as selfish as he is right now, and not worry or wonder what he’s doing/thinking/feeling. I will try my best to put the focus on me!
This forum has really helped me a lot. Although I don’t post much, I do a lot of reading and it’s wonderful to know that so many others understand what I’m going through. There’s a lot of wisdom and support here. Thank you
This forum has really helped me a lot. Although I don’t post much, I do a lot of reading and it’s wonderful to know that so many others understand what I’m going through. There’s a lot of wisdom and support here. Thank you
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Red - your story mirrors mine except we never officially broke up. We got into an argument right after he got out of rehab due to me catching him in stupid lies. He decided to stop talking to me....after 3 years of being with him...I guess he decided he was done. I very soon found out he was already seeing a much younger girl he met in rehab. That was 6 months ago, he's about 10m sober. He has denied any involvement with her but I know they have been inseparable and are most definitely in a relationship.
I get it how much it hurts, how hard it is to try to wrap your head around the discard...totally and completely. We were together for 3 years, went thru hell, and once he's on his own and sober, he chooses to cut me and his family out of his life and only socialize and have "sober fun" with a group of recovering addicts much younger than him from rehab. There's no apology, remorse, nothing. The few interactions we've had have gone horribly bad and he gets so nasty with me. I even said to him I get that it's so much easier to start off with others since you have a clean slate so to speak, rather than make it right with the ones that gave you unconditional love and support.
As everyone says, you should only focus on you. That's what I've been doing. I still have my moments where I think I'm back to square one. I was totally consumed with "saving him" and the pattern of being addicted to him mentally is so very hard to break, but I am doing it. I have to. He's gone on with his life and I personally don't want to be with someone that I have to worry....is he lying, will he relapse, etc. He's made it clear he's moved on and I am doing the same.
Many hugs to you! You are doing the right stuff. We all slip back but then we need to refocus and move on, just as you are doing
. We are here at SR to support you. Take care!
I get it how much it hurts, how hard it is to try to wrap your head around the discard...totally and completely. We were together for 3 years, went thru hell, and once he's on his own and sober, he chooses to cut me and his family out of his life and only socialize and have "sober fun" with a group of recovering addicts much younger than him from rehab. There's no apology, remorse, nothing. The few interactions we've had have gone horribly bad and he gets so nasty with me. I even said to him I get that it's so much easier to start off with others since you have a clean slate so to speak, rather than make it right with the ones that gave you unconditional love and support.
As everyone says, you should only focus on you. That's what I've been doing. I still have my moments where I think I'm back to square one. I was totally consumed with "saving him" and the pattern of being addicted to him mentally is so very hard to break, but I am doing it. I have to. He's gone on with his life and I personally don't want to be with someone that I have to worry....is he lying, will he relapse, etc. He's made it clear he's moved on and I am doing the same.
Many hugs to you! You are doing the right stuff. We all slip back but then we need to refocus and move on, just as you are doing
. We are here at SR to support you. Take care!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Going to the gym, doing yoga, seeing friends and doing grad work are all good things but maybe you need to dig down deeper and work on your emotional health. Have you read the book Codependent No More? Maybe a few counseling sessions or a support group like al-anon or nar-anon.
Much like the alcoholic’s are obsessed with self and alcohol codies are obsessed with self and the relationship.
An alcoholic isn’t going to get sober by just going to the gym, doing yoga and seeing friends. They will never understand or learn their addictions that way or discover the tools that can help them. Same with US we need to understand our parts, we need to learn new tools and begin to build ourselves a healthier and stronger foundation moving forward.
It’s ok to grieve and go through the many stages of grief but when we are months out of a break up having had no contact and we go back for more because we are still consumed with them and obsessively keeping them in our thoughts, it’s time for us to seek some help and learn some new tools.
Much like the alcoholic’s are obsessed with self and alcohol codies are obsessed with self and the relationship.
An alcoholic isn’t going to get sober by just going to the gym, doing yoga and seeing friends. They will never understand or learn their addictions that way or discover the tools that can help them. Same with US we need to understand our parts, we need to learn new tools and begin to build ourselves a healthier and stronger foundation moving forward.
It’s ok to grieve and go through the many stages of grief but when we are months out of a break up having had no contact and we go back for more because we are still consumed with them and obsessively keeping them in our thoughts, it’s time for us to seek some help and learn some new tools.
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Thank you everyone, I needed to hear all of that today. I started reading Codependent No More a few days ago and am considering a counseling session. I know I need to dig deeper...I think talking about it outloud and getting some professional advice will help me to get to the place I want to be.
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AP, I agree, 3 months is not much time. Though he's made a lot of really good progress there's still so much more to be done. He can't think and act like a completely changed person in such a short amount of time. And I'm realizing the same goes for me...I've put some work in but still have a ways to go!
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