JKSGRL

So I’ll try to sum up my situation for those of you who don’t know my story. I was involved in a long distance relationship with an alcoholic for almost 4 years (well I should say 3, it’s taken 9 months of on and off struggling to try to move on). I have successfully gone no contact AGAIN for 2 weeks, as little as that sounds that’s huge for me, I have blocked him and everyone I know in his life. Also I was always suckered into paying his cell phone and this month I didn’t pay it, so it’s been turned off for over a week regardless. Every time I go no contact I feel stronger and it goes longer and longer. However I cave every time because I’ll hear he is in the hospital (he goes about twice a month now because his body can’t handle the alcohol) but this time I blocked every type of contact I could think of and refused to call around hospitals and jails wondering what’s up with him. Again it might not seem much to some people, but for me, it’s A LOT.

I don’t know why I did this for so long, well that’s not true, believe me I have immersed myself in books and therapy, but I am still quite disappointed in my weakness for this man. It’s like no matter what I am still expecting him to miraculously change and finally get what he had…..but I know that won’t happen and I do keep moving on, in fact I have never felt stronger and life feels better and better as time goes on, especially with NC but I still can’t shake certain days where I feel sadness and this “how could he?”. Guess I just need some support and reassurance that NC is the only way and that in time I will get over the whole thing.

Why I hold on and that I still want something out of it, unnerves me.

Here is why:
He is 35 and still lives with his parents
In the last 9 months he has been hospitalized over a dozen times and has been arrested twice
He stays sober for MAYBE a week and then he chooses to run off with losers and relapses
He has ruined 6 trips in a row because he choose booze over seeing me
He is verbally and emotionally abusive (and has been physically abusive)
He doesn’t have a job
He owes $20,000 in child support to a 13 year son (from a previous relationship) that he chooses booze over as well
He has cheated on me several times
He is supposed to go to jail for his 3rd DUI in October, but has managed to get out of his sentences several times
Steals, lies, manipulates

The last incident, I was trying to be in his life again somehow, because it was the whole “I am dying, you are the love of my life, I need you” BS that I fell for again. I was supposed to see him this week on the promise ONCE AGAIN that he would be “in control” of his drinking, but 2 weeks ago he kind of went MIA for a day or so, when he finally got back to me by text he said “honey I have strep throat, sorry”….yeah this was code in the past for I can’t pick up my phone because I am with someone else. In talking with his mom, I found out he wasn’t even home….yeah strep throat. I waited 24 hours for him to fess up, apologize, something after relentless texting and calling….he said NOTHING. NOTHING, I wasn’t even worth a word. When I didn’t hear from him, after a day, I blocked him and everyone he knew again.

So here I am in disbelief that he could do this AGAIN and that I could fall for it AGAIN. And the truth is if he really cared, he would know exactly how to get a hold of me. He could call from another phone, he could call my work, etc etc and he has not. I realize that the only reason this continued for so long was because I kept it going, I kept going back, I kept paying his cell phone, I kept forgiving him and planning trips….ugh….

I am a smart, successful, attractive, funny, generous woman and yet I am constantly wondering, what did I do wrong, why doesn’t he love me and how can he just use me?! I SHOULD know better with all the work I’ve been doing and yet I still fall into these slumps, this are fewer and far apart but yep….one of those days.

firebolt

Sorry GRL,

Just like the misery that they create for themselves is self inflicted, so is ours.

You are trying to stop this, you want this cycle to stop, but you are having a really hard time doing it.

My life finally changed when I put the same ultimatum on myself that I put on ABF - ACTIONS, not words. That's when I finally got up the gumption to end it. I didn't tell family, or friends that I WANTED to leave - AGAIN. I just friggin did it. I found a place, paid my deposit, and then told everyone what I have done - NOT what I intended to do.

If we start holding ourselves to the same expectations we hold them to, our lives will change. We know what is right, the action is the hard part. I have so much empathy - it took me almost 5 years - of me KNOWING THE WHOLE TIME that what I was doing wasn't right for me.

You deserve so much better - you deserve a reciprocal relationship. YOU are worth it to YOU! Who cares about your worth to him? He doesn't even value himself - he CAN'T value you. (((HUGS))) Stay strong - focus on you. 2 weeks is great!

HopefulinFLA

Ditto everything firebolt said!

You don't have to stay on his crazy train. You can hop off anytime you're ready.

Keep up the good work, 2 weeks is great! It could be the beginning of your happily ever after.

Refiner

You say you've been reading tons and have been doing work. On what specifically? Are you seeing a therapist to figure out why you have such low self-esteem and feel like you only deserve a total loser like him? Then when this loser rejects you, it makes the resentment you have against yourself even worse. Don't you think it could be your higher power keeping you SAFE from being in a relationship with a LOSER to begin with? Please, do yourself a FAVOR and stay NC. He's repeatedly shown you who he is (a LOSER) and I think deep down you do know you deserve better but will never find it until you finally let go of your fantasies with this guy.

JKSGRL

It really helped to read your response firebolt, it gave me hope, you are really strong and that's inspiring! Some days are just harder than others, but overall I feel proud that I haven't done all the things that would keep me in the relationship in some way. I know it could as easy as just paying his cell phone and being like "hey I forgive you" to get right back into it and yet I don't and that has been such a relief! Even though I am still feel weak at times, it's more about processing the why I am doing this to myself because you are right, the misery is self-inflicted....it took me a long time to realize that and it certainly helps to accept that now and know I can change it!

JKSGRL

I've been doing the work on my co-dependency issues, it took me a long time to understand and fully accept that was MY issue. And yes I am in therapy and it's really taken me a long time to understand why I am the way I am, I have just started to come to terms with it. I know it's from my childhood, growing up in the house I did affecting me greatly, bad things that happened to me as a child. Lots of a-ha moments, but I am still healing. I have been given the great opportunity to discuss it with my parents who have asked for forgiveness and have given me more clarity into the situation. Guess it just goes back to "Rome wasn't built in a day" so I still struggle obviously. It's like I can see everything very clearly for what it is, but sometimes it's incredibly difficult to push through the pain. And in my mind and heart it’s still inconceivable to me that you can give so much to a man and he can just hurt you so badly without remorse. That after almost 4 years I wasn’t even worth a word, not even a denial or lie….it’s crazy hurtful, even if I am better off, still hurts.

Yes I do believe a higher power is protecting me and leading me to better things, I heard the saying "Rejection is God's protection" a while back and it makes more sense to me every day.

I am trying really hard to not fantasize this guy or to imagine that all of sudden he met someone better and he will now get better and I was just the silly fool he used....ick. I know that’s probably not likely, ha, but man what a wandering mind will do!

marie1960

forgiving someone means you no longer dwell on what an asshat they are, it doesn't mean they are no longer an asshat.

And other times all we can do is forgive ourselves, write it off as a painful lesson learned and start the next chapter of our lives.

Here is the something to think about, there is a huge difference between Mr. Right, and Mr. Right Now.

He is not the one for you, Mr. Right will not break your heart, Mr. Right will not disrespect you, Mr. Right will Love and honor you.

Be well, my friend.

JKSGRL

THANK YOU so much for that post! I needed to be reminded of that today!

firebolt

It took me a long time too. Before, it was like 'why would he do this to him, to me, to US?!'

When the whole time, it should have been 'why would I do this to me?'

I have A LOT to work on still, but I do not believe that I can move forward any further in getting myself healthier / better under the same roof with or in a relationship with an addict. That's just me keeping myself in the cycle. We can do this!!

marie1960

i spent 5 years of my life asking myself the same questions, why does he do that? why does he act like that? why does he think that is ok?

In hindsight the question I should have been asking is , why am I accepting and allowing him to cause this unacceptable chaos in my life.

His actions towards you are 100% unacceptable, You my friend are worthy of so much better, now comes the inside job, you just have to believe this for yourself.

I'm rooting for you!

hopeful4

We've all done it. Let it go on and on...because it's unfathomable to us that they can live out their life, until their own death, in this matter. Our minds just don't work the same, thank God!

Keep up the good work on YOU. And when he does find that other phone to call from...HANG UP!

JKSGRL

Thank you so much, it's really great to have a place like this to keep coming back to, really helps get me back on track and believe in my strength. It really has helped to look at it now from the perspective of why am I ALLOWING this, rather than why HE is doing what he does. Crazy that, that concept took so long to seep in and is still hard to do!

JKSGRL

I'd like to be naive and assume he'll just never, ever try to contact me again because it would certainly be a hell of a lot easier but you just never know. I have got to work harder on me so IF he does try to contact me, it will be easy to just hang up!!!!

AnvilheadII

I am trying really hard to not fantasize this guy or to imagine that all of sudden he met someone better and he will now get better

yeah, that fantasy needs to be smashed. it's a recurring theme here, and one of the reasons why partners will hang on for so long - what IF he really does turn into Prince Charming? what if all it took was the right kiss from the right person to wake them from their spell? that's all the stuff of fairy tales.........we can sing into wells all day long and still no prince is going to show up with a glass slipper.

ditch this moral degenerate for good.

JKSGRL

Oh Anvil you literally made me LOL! Moral degenerate!!! Hahahaha! So right and it's still mind boggling to me that I can’t somehow see that's just the truth of things. I first met this guy when I was 19, he was the first "adult" relationship I ever had, I lost my virginity to him, etc. so years later when we reconnected I think I held on for those reasons. The good girl fell in love with the bad boy hoping love would change everything. Being 1500 miles away certainly kept the "fantasy" going, but in reality I don't know what woman would put up with his crap on a day to day basis, that's why I never moved there, nearly did 9 months ago and when I came to this forum and heard what people were dealing with by being married or having kids with an A, well, wow, I thank my lucky stars I found this site and got my head out of my ass! He would always tell me, once I moved there, married him and had a baby with him that he would have real purpose and life would be good, he would no longer struggle with his addiction. I can’t believe I actually believed that once upon a time. So yeah, I have my days but then you lovely people slap me back to reality. It’s so impossibly insane that I had hopes to make a life with this LOSER (and I used to have such a hard time calling him that, because surely he was just misunderstood and a very hurt man that needed healing, but no, nope, he is a loser). I think more than anything NOW I am coping with how could I let myself believe I didn’t deserve better AND as silly as this is, it still irks me that he always believed he was too good for me, that he is some grand prize I was lucky to have. Ick………….

theuncertainty

He doesn't even sound like a Mr. Right Now guy, but that's from my POV of having to parent a child shared with an alcoholic ex who's involvement with DS sounds about the same your AXBF's involvement with his 13yo.

What helped me get past the moments of wanting to re-establish contact with AXH was keeping a list of all the c---y things he did and re-reading it before I picked up the phone, or started typing at the keyboard. Your list here:

would be a good start. I'd end up so mad re-reading my list, that any desire to talk with, much less care for, the guy who was so 'sick, mis-understood, in need of someone to care for him' would be gone. Of course, then, I'd have to do something to work off the anger and fear again, but I stopped getting sucked back in by his lines.

You can do this, JksGrl.

AnvilheadII

i think the movie Shallow Hal touched on the subject of us SEEING what we WANT to see - now in the movie the fact that the object of his desire was heavier than he "saw" isn't nearly as problematic or likely to bring about much harm - whereas "seeing" qualities and characters in someone who doesn't HAVE ANY can be!

while i'm pontificating, i also believe that there can be an inherent danger in long distance relationships or purely online relationships. its hard enough for us to always accept what is REAL and in our FACE, but then you add distance or never even meeting in real life...an oy where the mind can go!

JKSGRL

Thank you for that theuncertainty! I actually did start a list because after typing that initial one and then reading it, it was like a slap in the face! I wish I had done this months ago. If that doesn't wake you up, what will? Let me tell you, it's as if I can't stop listing the crappy things! Ugh....I mean each one hurts to write down and read but it's like WHOA seriously I should be jumping for joy that he isn't a part of my life anymore! And of course again it goes back to how could I ALLOW that in MY life for SO LONG. It's only been the last couple months that I started understanding and trying to take responsibility for the fact that I willingly put myself into such a heartbreaking situation. I read something the other day along the lines of “can’t get upset with the scorpion that stings you”. It’s true, I know all too well by now what he is truly made of and capable of, so now it’s my own damn fault if I ever interact in any way with this person. So the list continues…..but man oh man I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around this disease. How can they possibly NOT CARE about hurting you?

JKSGRL

I agree with everything you said. And I truly believe that had I knew him in the day to day it would have NEVER gone on for this long. I'll never forget what his mom told me once, that if I think I have seen his worst, that I should see what they have seen every day for years and years. That was scary to me, I can't imagine it being WORSE than what I witnessed but that's the thing you can hide A LOT when you are that far away from someone. And he was really, really good at manipulating me and making me believe I was just being crazy.....ugh I can still hear his words even after blocking him in the past, when I would ask him "weren't you afraid you might have lost me forever?", his response every damn time "no honey, I am never going to lose you, it's just not going to happen"....yeah because I kept coming back, pathetic.

Even though it's been 2 weeks and I didn't pay his cell, I bet you he doesn't believe he truly lost me, what an icky feeling!

Thomas45

Forget the amount of time that you've spent with him in the past. Look at this list that you just wrote and imagine that it is a stranger who has expressed interest in dating you.

If that were a stranger, you'd be walking away without any reservations.