Life isn't fair/This is my bag/Day 8
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Life isn't fair/This is my bag/Day 8
I think it's day 8 for me, which isn't that big a deal for me to, tbh. The past 2.5 months I've been going every 2 weeks (more or less) between drinking, so once I make it 3 weeks I think I'll feel more accomplished. Except of course, just over a week ago, when I did 4 days in a row...
Except this time it was different. I've been having a sore/swollen/fatty(?) liver off and on for 2 years now. It was acting up again so that's when I decided to drink only twice a month (trying to control my drinking is a bad sign, I know). I was on vacation, however, and decided to stretch the limits of what I can tolerate (surprise). The first 2 days I drank enough to get drunk which isn't tons, maybe 4-6 drinks. The third day I drank about 750 ml of pre-mixed 9% alcohol before feeling drunk, even though my liver was starting to hurt. On the 4th day, I couldn't even finish 250-300 ml of pre-mixed 9% alcohol without being totally totally drunk, and this scared the crap out of me. I've never experienced that before, and I think it means that my liver is just not functioning at all, and all that alcohol just ended up in my blood. That happened really really fast, considering I've cut back from only 1x per week to 2x per month.
So, if I don't stop I'm pretty sure I'll end up dead or in the hospital, fast. I don't know the status of my liver, and I'm not going to find out. The only thing that I can do is stop. I used to drink as a passive way of self harming, but now that I'm harmed, I realize I want to function. I want to be healthy in this world.
I'm telling the people that need to know that I'm taking off until the new year, but I think it's going to have to be a lot longer than that... like forever probably. Forever scares me too much right now, so let's stick with the new year.
I'm not really having any cravings (yet) because I'm still having a bit of pain in my right side and thought of drinking really makes me sick. There will come a time, soon enough, when I will face cravings, which is why I'm logging on here often to get into the habit of reaching out and reading. I'm also doing SMART, which I find incredibly helpful.
Today I told my friend about my liver problems and they were really supportive and offered to do other things with me besides drinking, and/or be supportive if our group goes out to the pub and I'm staying sober (I've done this many a time, not super dangerous for me).
What really gets me is this feeling of why me. I'm in my early 30s and I really haven't drunk that much in my life... I feel pretty ripped off. I drank mostly every weekend for 12 years. Not great, indicative of problem drinking, yes. But enough to botch my liver like this?? Why me?
Ok, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I didn't mean to write this much, I guess there's a lot I needed to get out. Thanks for reading!
Except this time it was different. I've been having a sore/swollen/fatty(?) liver off and on for 2 years now. It was acting up again so that's when I decided to drink only twice a month (trying to control my drinking is a bad sign, I know). I was on vacation, however, and decided to stretch the limits of what I can tolerate (surprise). The first 2 days I drank enough to get drunk which isn't tons, maybe 4-6 drinks. The third day I drank about 750 ml of pre-mixed 9% alcohol before feeling drunk, even though my liver was starting to hurt. On the 4th day, I couldn't even finish 250-300 ml of pre-mixed 9% alcohol without being totally totally drunk, and this scared the crap out of me. I've never experienced that before, and I think it means that my liver is just not functioning at all, and all that alcohol just ended up in my blood. That happened really really fast, considering I've cut back from only 1x per week to 2x per month.
So, if I don't stop I'm pretty sure I'll end up dead or in the hospital, fast. I don't know the status of my liver, and I'm not going to find out. The only thing that I can do is stop. I used to drink as a passive way of self harming, but now that I'm harmed, I realize I want to function. I want to be healthy in this world.
I'm telling the people that need to know that I'm taking off until the new year, but I think it's going to have to be a lot longer than that... like forever probably. Forever scares me too much right now, so let's stick with the new year.
I'm not really having any cravings (yet) because I'm still having a bit of pain in my right side and thought of drinking really makes me sick. There will come a time, soon enough, when I will face cravings, which is why I'm logging on here often to get into the habit of reaching out and reading. I'm also doing SMART, which I find incredibly helpful.
Today I told my friend about my liver problems and they were really supportive and offered to do other things with me besides drinking, and/or be supportive if our group goes out to the pub and I'm staying sober (I've done this many a time, not super dangerous for me).
What really gets me is this feeling of why me. I'm in my early 30s and I really haven't drunk that much in my life... I feel pretty ripped off. I drank mostly every weekend for 12 years. Not great, indicative of problem drinking, yes. But enough to botch my liver like this?? Why me?
Ok, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I didn't mean to write this much, I guess there's a lot I needed to get out. Thanks for reading!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Welcome!
No, life isn't fair -- to anyone. I have liver problems that preceded alcohol so it can happen to anyone. I gather some of us are more prone to problems than others.
Why not see your doc? It could be worse than you think or better.
I've found much help here in this forum and have been sober a bit over a year. It is so worth it. I hope you'll find the help you need.
No, life isn't fair -- to anyone. I have liver problems that preceded alcohol so it can happen to anyone. I gather some of us are more prone to problems than others.
Why not see your doc? It could be worse than you think or better.
I've found much help here in this forum and have been sober a bit over a year. It is so worth it. I hope you'll find the help you need.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Congrats on day 8.
Why me? The alcoholic's lament.
First off, you don't know if your liver problem is drinking related, because you refuse to see a doctor. Unwise. Drinking my have exacerbated your problem with your liver, but the cause might be something else.
The other common lament is "why can't I drink normally," which usually leads to us trying to prove to ourselves that we can. But we can't. I hope you can attain acceptance of that fact.
Originally Posted by darknesswithin 
What really gets me is this feeling of why me. I'm in my early 30s and I really haven't drunk that much in my life... I feel pretty ripped off. I drank mostly every weekend for 12 years. Not great, indicative of problem drinking, yes. But enough to botch my liver like this?? Why me?
First off, you don't know if your liver problem is drinking related, because you refuse to see a doctor. Unwise. Drinking my have exacerbated your problem with your liver, but the cause might be something else.
The other common lament is "why can't I drink normally," which usually leads to us trying to prove to ourselves that we can. But we can't. I hope you can attain acceptance of that fact.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Hi Saskia, thanks!
Well if my liver is better than I think it is then I'll probably use that as some leverage for continuing drinking... if it's worse than I think, then only sobriety is the answer, which is my goal anyway. I'd rather just listen to my body for now. Maybe at my next yearly checkup I'll mention it.
To complicate matters, I live a foreign country these days and I don't yet speak the language. Yes, I could find English speaking doctors, but I find even simple, everyday tasks to be overwhelming when in a foreign country, let alone trying to explain myself to a foreign doctor, especially when alcohol is viewed differently than my home country... I just don't really understand how to go about it or what any of it means here.
Honestly, I think taking antidepressants a few years ago caused the majority of the damage, and fast. I didn't ever have symptoms until a few months after I started taking them. Oh well, I guess none of it really matters. It's my bag, here I am, just trying to go forward, one day at a time, with anxiety, depression, bpd traits, alcohol issues, and living in a foreign country. What a mess!
So. Just stay sober, dear self.
Well if my liver is better than I think it is then I'll probably use that as some leverage for continuing drinking... if it's worse than I think, then only sobriety is the answer, which is my goal anyway. I'd rather just listen to my body for now. Maybe at my next yearly checkup I'll mention it.
To complicate matters, I live a foreign country these days and I don't yet speak the language. Yes, I could find English speaking doctors, but I find even simple, everyday tasks to be overwhelming when in a foreign country, let alone trying to explain myself to a foreign doctor, especially when alcohol is viewed differently than my home country... I just don't really understand how to go about it or what any of it means here.
Honestly, I think taking antidepressants a few years ago caused the majority of the damage, and fast. I didn't ever have symptoms until a few months after I started taking them. Oh well, I guess none of it really matters. It's my bag, here I am, just trying to go forward, one day at a time, with anxiety, depression, bpd traits, alcohol issues, and living in a foreign country. What a mess!
So. Just stay sober, dear self.
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Hi doggonecarl, thanks for your reply!
"First off, you don't know if your liver problem is drinking related, because you refuse to see a doctor. Unwise. Drinking my have exacerbated your problem with your liver, but the cause might be something else."
Well after a few months of having symptoms I did see a doctor, in my home country. I was getting my liver enzymes checked every 3 months and they were always normal, totally totally normal. Yet when I drank I had pain. The doc didn't probe further and I never really connected it to my antidepressant use until later. The cause might not be alcohol but the result is the same - drinking hurts me, physically.
I think I've gone through the "why can't I drink normally" thing in the last 2 years, and it always ends with liver pain. Enough, right?
"First off, you don't know if your liver problem is drinking related, because you refuse to see a doctor. Unwise. Drinking my have exacerbated your problem with your liver, but the cause might be something else."
Well after a few months of having symptoms I did see a doctor, in my home country. I was getting my liver enzymes checked every 3 months and they were always normal, totally totally normal. Yet when I drank I had pain. The doc didn't probe further and I never really connected it to my antidepressant use until later. The cause might not be alcohol but the result is the same - drinking hurts me, physically.
I think I've gone through the "why can't I drink normally" thing in the last 2 years, and it always ends with liver pain. Enough, right?
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Originally Posted by darknesswithin
I think I've gone through the "why can't I drink normally" thing in the last 2 years, and it always ends with liver pain. Enough, right?
I had medical reasons to quit but put it off for a long time. Quitting did wonders for me physically, but it was the wounds to my soul and spirit that benefited most from my recovery.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I can't ask myself "why me?" anymore because everytime I try, I get that annoying voice in my head that says "why not you? what makes you so special?"
Life isn't fair and drinking for me was a good escape from that for a while until it became a problem itself. Before I got sober the first time, I only got to drink for 7 years. I was all done in by the time I was 21. Now I think I was lucky I got to get out of it that early.
Welcome to SR! It's great that you've got yourself some support and a program to follow.
Life isn't fair and drinking for me was a good escape from that for a while until it became a problem itself. Before I got sober the first time, I only got to drink for 7 years. I was all done in by the time I was 21. Now I think I was lucky I got to get out of it that early.
Welcome to SR! It's great that you've got yourself some support and a program to follow.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
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Congrats on 8 days Darkness. Trust your body but get a second opinion from a professional, IMO.
The good thing is our bodies are very resilient and can heal given the chance.
Keep going, you won't regret not drinking
The good thing is our bodies are very resilient and can heal given the chance.
Keep going, you won't regret not drinking
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Thanks everyone!
As I was falling asleep last night I thought I really should try to make it to a doctor somehow... it make take a month or two for courage to do so, but I'll try to make it happen.
Thanks, Joanne. You're right. Why not me? This stuff has to happen to someone. I do find it helpful to cry about my situation for a bit before I get down to the work of it though. Like when I really don't feel like doing my chores I'll whine about it in my head and maybe stomp my feet and then just sigh and get to it. It's gotta be done after all!
This journey will be good. I will make it good.
As I was falling asleep last night I thought I really should try to make it to a doctor somehow... it make take a month or two for courage to do so, but I'll try to make it happen.
Thanks, Joanne. You're right. Why not me? This stuff has to happen to someone. I do find it helpful to cry about my situation for a bit before I get down to the work of it though. Like when I really don't feel like doing my chores I'll whine about it in my head and maybe stomp my feet and then just sigh and get to it. It's gotta be done after all!
This journey will be good. I will make it good.
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Darkness, if you are too embarrassed to see a physician, there's a more discreet way to get at least some info on your physical condition. Depending on where you live, there are some businesses/labs that provide discreet blood testing. It's mostly for use by athletes for nutritional use; some of them pair up with gyms. But at least you'd have some info. The results are reviewed by a doctor, and you can talk to a doctor about the results over the phone if you like. The results come in a clear form that any layman can understand. Soon after I stopped drinking I did this and was absolutely amazed to find everything in the normal range.
Try googling "customized blood tests," "online blood tests" or something like that. You do have to visit a lab to have blood drawn, obviously.
It's funny how we feel about the alcohol-related doctor visit, especially because if it's bad, you'll want to see the doctor, and if it's good you'll feel fine about seeing the doctor! Anyway, seeing a doc in person is obviously preferable, but at least this would be better than nothing and either reassure you or inspire you to seek medical treatment.
Try googling "customized blood tests," "online blood tests" or something like that. You do have to visit a lab to have blood drawn, obviously.
It's funny how we feel about the alcohol-related doctor visit, especially because if it's bad, you'll want to see the doctor, and if it's good you'll feel fine about seeing the doctor! Anyway, seeing a doc in person is obviously preferable, but at least this would be better than nothing and either reassure you or inspire you to seek medical treatment.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I had medical reasons to quit but put it off for a long time. Quitting did wonders for me physically, but it was the wounds to my soul and spirit that benefited most from my recovery.
Alcohol can certainly damage our liver and, for some, more quickly and at lower rates of alcohol consumption than others. We never know how much or when . . . . And, for some, other parts of the body are affected.
And, yes, what it does to our soul and spirit cannot be diminished or downplayed. Alcoholism can eat us until we don't recognize ourselves.
A permanent break in the destructive cycle can work miracles.
There is light and goodness ahead, Darkness, and it can begin today. I hope you see your doctor and chose sobriety no matter what you discover.
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So I finally went to the doctor!
But first... since August I have been more or less sober, with the occasional few drinks here and there (true moderation!). I found that just getting out of the habit of drinking was really what I needed. I was also pretty depressed and using alcohol as a coping mechanism. My life situation has changed drastically and I am no longer depressed - hooray!
Now I'm at the point where I don't really have the desire to drink. I know I've been feeling pain, so that's a deterrent. But after getting out of the habit of drinking, it's lost most of its appeal. When I'm out with my friends I think booze stinks. People's breath stinks and the drinks stink. I realize I'm not an alcoholic, for sure. I can have 2 drinks, once a month. I can have a sip of my friend's wine to taste it and that's all. But I have been pretty careful due to my "liver pain."
I put that in quotes because I went to the doctor and... my liver is normal. Ummm. Funny thing is, I STILL have pain. I haven't drank in over a month and I still have some pain. But I had an ultrasound and everything was totally normal. I'm so confused. I'm still waiting on the blood test results, though. And my desire to drink upon hearing this news? No increase at all. I feel really lucky, because whatever is causing this pain, if I didn't have it, I would have continued on a destructive path with alcohol and ended up completely addicted for sure. I've escaped my fate somehow. Hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong with me then, if my pain isn't from alcohol or fatty liver...
I love not being hungover. I love feeling refreshed on the weekends and having the whole day to NOT lay in bed. I love the extra money in my wallet. I love not saying things I don't regret. But I also love knowing that I'm not an addict. I love seeing and proving to myself that I don't want or need alcohol. Life is better this way.
But first... since August I have been more or less sober, with the occasional few drinks here and there (true moderation!). I found that just getting out of the habit of drinking was really what I needed. I was also pretty depressed and using alcohol as a coping mechanism. My life situation has changed drastically and I am no longer depressed - hooray!
Now I'm at the point where I don't really have the desire to drink. I know I've been feeling pain, so that's a deterrent. But after getting out of the habit of drinking, it's lost most of its appeal. When I'm out with my friends I think booze stinks. People's breath stinks and the drinks stink. I realize I'm not an alcoholic, for sure. I can have 2 drinks, once a month. I can have a sip of my friend's wine to taste it and that's all. But I have been pretty careful due to my "liver pain."
I put that in quotes because I went to the doctor and... my liver is normal. Ummm. Funny thing is, I STILL have pain. I haven't drank in over a month and I still have some pain. But I had an ultrasound and everything was totally normal. I'm so confused. I'm still waiting on the blood test results, though. And my desire to drink upon hearing this news? No increase at all. I feel really lucky, because whatever is causing this pain, if I didn't have it, I would have continued on a destructive path with alcohol and ended up completely addicted for sure. I've escaped my fate somehow. Hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong with me then, if my pain isn't from alcohol or fatty liver...
I love not being hungover. I love feeling refreshed on the weekends and having the whole day to NOT lay in bed. I love the extra money in my wallet. I love not saying things I don't regret. But I also love knowing that I'm not an addict. I love seeing and proving to myself that I don't want or need alcohol. Life is better this way.
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