Reality vs Alcoholic Fiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Reality vs Alcoholic Fiction
Thought I was going to sleep, but I keep reading about anxiety here, and it makes me remember mine, and it helped me put something together that I feel compelled to share because... I feel stronger for having put it together.
Back in April we were away at the beach for a long weekend. We went out after arriving there, and I drank a lot, and encountered some guys who were legitimately pretty awful to us, and it upset me. We left, and when we went to bed in the hotel, I passed out and woke up in a sweat... a few hours later, best I can tell. I had that harrowing kind of hangover that is what hangovers were, toward the end. (I had stopped having bona fide hangovers, so when I drank more than usual, which I did that night, it was brutal). I had an anxiety attack, coming to, just before dawn in this hotel overlooking the ocean, thinking about how I handled that situation the night before. It felt like the world was ending. My muscles were flexing, I couldn't sit or lie still. The room seemed to cave into me. I thought it was me being upset about the incident the night before. I was exhausted but couldn't go back to sleep. Called a friend who I know gets up early. She was really nice and talked me through it.
Literally every time I had a lot to drink, I'd wake up with this anxiety, shame, and self hate. This one is just memorable because in the midst of it, I was struck by the fact that I felt like I was in hell, but I was literally sitting in the sand on a beach at sunrise, watching dolphins play.
The truth is that it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last, either.
The last time, though, at the end of last month, I was pretty sure that this now prevalent horrendous feeling was what hangovers were going to be. It was starting to feel like I had it all the time, too. One afternoon I was in the hardware store trying to buy shades for my bedroom windows, which face east, because I couldn't sleep with the light shining in. I was so riddled with anxiety that I couldn't make a decision about which to buy, and in my exhaustion, hadn't measured the windows.
Everything was on autopilot, everything was just a reaction to a feeling which had a source of dread. Work, home, social interactions, everything.
It's now clear to me that this anxiety was not actually about any actual incidents. It was about being an alcoholic. It's interesting to me that while I knew that alcoholism has these effects, and has denial, I didn't see it in myself, even though I've said before that I'm an alcoholic. I was blaming all of these external things: mean people, my job, the damn sun, my landlord, etc, etc, etc.
It's striking to me, that I was not feeling real feelings, because I really believed that I was. That anxiety was completely unnecessary and created by what I was doing to myself. Drinking causes that.
There is no way that the path of drinking could lead anywhere but this. When I drink, this is the result. Waking up does not feel anything remotely like this anymore. The world does not close in on me. I might be groggy, a little disoriented, but I don't feel anything close to impending doom.
I have a pretty awesome life. It's bizarre that I didn't see that. There's so much to be thankful for and to celebrate: my work, relationship, cat, home, sunrise in my bedroom, friends... and recovery. Those anxiety attacks were not created by these things. They were created by me, drinking.
Not trying to dwell in the past, just actually realizing now exactly how insidious it really was. Thanks for listening.
Back in April we were away at the beach for a long weekend. We went out after arriving there, and I drank a lot, and encountered some guys who were legitimately pretty awful to us, and it upset me. We left, and when we went to bed in the hotel, I passed out and woke up in a sweat... a few hours later, best I can tell. I had that harrowing kind of hangover that is what hangovers were, toward the end. (I had stopped having bona fide hangovers, so when I drank more than usual, which I did that night, it was brutal). I had an anxiety attack, coming to, just before dawn in this hotel overlooking the ocean, thinking about how I handled that situation the night before. It felt like the world was ending. My muscles were flexing, I couldn't sit or lie still. The room seemed to cave into me. I thought it was me being upset about the incident the night before. I was exhausted but couldn't go back to sleep. Called a friend who I know gets up early. She was really nice and talked me through it.
Literally every time I had a lot to drink, I'd wake up with this anxiety, shame, and self hate. This one is just memorable because in the midst of it, I was struck by the fact that I felt like I was in hell, but I was literally sitting in the sand on a beach at sunrise, watching dolphins play.
The truth is that it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last, either.
The last time, though, at the end of last month, I was pretty sure that this now prevalent horrendous feeling was what hangovers were going to be. It was starting to feel like I had it all the time, too. One afternoon I was in the hardware store trying to buy shades for my bedroom windows, which face east, because I couldn't sleep with the light shining in. I was so riddled with anxiety that I couldn't make a decision about which to buy, and in my exhaustion, hadn't measured the windows.
Everything was on autopilot, everything was just a reaction to a feeling which had a source of dread. Work, home, social interactions, everything.
It's now clear to me that this anxiety was not actually about any actual incidents. It was about being an alcoholic. It's interesting to me that while I knew that alcoholism has these effects, and has denial, I didn't see it in myself, even though I've said before that I'm an alcoholic. I was blaming all of these external things: mean people, my job, the damn sun, my landlord, etc, etc, etc.
It's striking to me, that I was not feeling real feelings, because I really believed that I was. That anxiety was completely unnecessary and created by what I was doing to myself. Drinking causes that.
There is no way that the path of drinking could lead anywhere but this. When I drink, this is the result. Waking up does not feel anything remotely like this anymore. The world does not close in on me. I might be groggy, a little disoriented, but I don't feel anything close to impending doom.
I have a pretty awesome life. It's bizarre that I didn't see that. There's so much to be thankful for and to celebrate: my work, relationship, cat, home, sunrise in my bedroom, friends... and recovery. Those anxiety attacks were not created by these things. They were created by me, drinking.
Not trying to dwell in the past, just actually realizing now exactly how insidious it really was. Thanks for listening.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by bexxed 
That anxiety was completely unnecessary and created by what I was doing to myself. Drinking causes that.
Great post.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
What have I done?
The all consuming dread upon waking to a brand new day with this question blanketing my swollen brain, flashing across my forehead. Who wants to greet the day with this as their foremost thought?
What have I done?
Consumes the present moment, inflames the past and negates a future. I drank. Past tense. That is what I did. Oh the anxiety of going nowhere.
Wonderful post, bexxed. Thanks, I appreciate this insight very much.
The all consuming dread upon waking to a brand new day with this question blanketing my swollen brain, flashing across my forehead. Who wants to greet the day with this as their foremost thought?
What have I done?
Consumes the present moment, inflames the past and negates a future. I drank. Past tense. That is what I did. Oh the anxiety of going nowhere.
Wonderful post, bexxed. Thanks, I appreciate this insight very much.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
I think you really unlocked something in yourself and the more we understand how our addiction grips us, the better we are to build our tools to deal with it.
Even now, I question when I am stressed, whether it's a real response or an automatic habitual state of being I got into when I was drinking.
These little revelations along the way are the best part of being sober.
Even now, I question when I am stressed, whether it's a real response or an automatic habitual state of being I got into when I was drinking.
These little revelations along the way are the best part of being sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I spent a lot of time in that space of anxiety and self loathing too.
Now, from a space of gratitude and freedom, it's hard to believe that was even me. Hard to see how I could have seen life the way I did.
I still get stressed out and sometimes I still experience anxiety... But now I notice it, I work through it and realize the reasons and then make choices to deal healthfully with the emotions rather than become victim to them.
Congratulations on this breakthrough of recognition.
Now, from a space of gratitude and freedom, it's hard to believe that was even me. Hard to see how I could have seen life the way I did.
I still get stressed out and sometimes I still experience anxiety... But now I notice it, I work through it and realize the reasons and then make choices to deal healthfully with the emotions rather than become victim to them.
Congratulations on this breakthrough of recognition.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and thanks for your post as I’m sure many can identify.
Two short phrases that helped me are:
I cannot drink in safety and I can’t guarantee the results if I drink alcohol.
Posts like yours remind me how factual those phrases are.
BE WELL
Two short phrases that helped me are:
I cannot drink in safety and I can’t guarantee the results if I drink alcohol.
Posts like yours remind me how factual those phrases are.
BE WELL
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Thank you for sharing, I can relate a lot.
I have an anxiety disorder and I take medication. But I was absolutely convinced during the height of my drinking that my anxiety wasn't being treated properly by my GP and that I'd been prescribed the wrong medication as I often felt sick, lethargic, panicky and unwell. I looked at everything *other* than my drinking.
I'm grateful to report that those things have cleared up a great deal since I got sober :-)
I have an anxiety disorder and I take medication. But I was absolutely convinced during the height of my drinking that my anxiety wasn't being treated properly by my GP and that I'd been prescribed the wrong medication as I often felt sick, lethargic, panicky and unwell. I looked at everything *other* than my drinking.
I'm grateful to report that those things have cleared up a great deal since I got sober :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Originally Posted by bexxed
Thought I was going to sleep, but I keep reading about anxiety here, and it makes me remember mine, and it helped me put something together that I feel compelled to share because... I feel stronger for having put it together.
Back in April we were away at the beach for a long weekend. We went out after arriving there, and I drank a lot, and encountered some guys who were legitimately pretty awful to us, and it upset me. We left, and when we went to bed in the hotel, I passed out and woke up in a sweat... a few hours later, best I can tell. I had that harrowing kind of hangover that is what hangovers were, toward the end. (I had stopped having bona fide hangovers, so when I drank more than usual, which I did that night, it was brutal). I had an anxiety attack, coming to, just before dawn in this hotel overlooking the ocean, thinking about how I handled that situation the night before. It felt like the world was ending. My muscles were flexing, I couldn't sit or lie still. The room seemed to cave into me. I thought it was me being upset about the incident the night before. I was exhausted but couldn't go back to sleep. Called a friend who I know gets up early. She was really nice and talked me through it.
Literally every time I had a lot to drink, I'd wake up with this anxiety, shame, and self hate. This one is just memorable because in the midst of it, I was struck by the fact that I felt like I was in hell, but I was literally sitting in the sand on a beach at sunrise, watching dolphins play.
The truth is that it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last, either.
The last time, though, at the end of last month, I was pretty sure that this now prevalent horrendous feeling was what hangovers were going to be. It was starting to feel like I had it all the time, too. One afternoon I was in the hardware store trying to buy shades for my bedroom windows, which face east, because I couldn't sleep with the light shining in. I was so riddled with anxiety that I couldn't make a decision about which to buy, and in my exhaustion, hadn't measured the windows.
Everything was on autopilot, everything was just a reaction to a feeling which had a source of dread. Work, home, social interactions, everything.
It's now clear to me that this anxiety was not actually about any actual incidents. It was about being an alcoholic. It's interesting to me that while I knew that alcoholism has these effects, and has denial, I didn't see it in myself, even though I've said before that I'm an alcoholic. I was blaming all of these external things: mean people, my job, the damn sun, my landlord, etc, etc, etc.
It's striking to me, that I was not feeling real feelings, because I really believed that I was. That anxiety was completely unnecessary and created by what I was doing to myself. Drinking causes that.
There is no way that the path of drinking could lead anywhere but this. When I drink, this is the result. Waking up does not feel anything remotely like this anymore. The world does not close in on me. I might be groggy, a little disoriented, but I don't feel anything close to impending doom.
I have a pretty awesome life. It's bizarre that I didn't see that. There's so much to be thankful for and to celebrate: my work, relationship, cat, home, sunrise in my bedroom, friends... and recovery. Those anxiety attacks were not created by these things. They were created by me, drinking.
Not trying to dwell in the past, just actually realizing now exactly how insidious it really was. Thanks for listening.
Back in April we were away at the beach for a long weekend. We went out after arriving there, and I drank a lot, and encountered some guys who were legitimately pretty awful to us, and it upset me. We left, and when we went to bed in the hotel, I passed out and woke up in a sweat... a few hours later, best I can tell. I had that harrowing kind of hangover that is what hangovers were, toward the end. (I had stopped having bona fide hangovers, so when I drank more than usual, which I did that night, it was brutal). I had an anxiety attack, coming to, just before dawn in this hotel overlooking the ocean, thinking about how I handled that situation the night before. It felt like the world was ending. My muscles were flexing, I couldn't sit or lie still. The room seemed to cave into me. I thought it was me being upset about the incident the night before. I was exhausted but couldn't go back to sleep. Called a friend who I know gets up early. She was really nice and talked me through it.
Literally every time I had a lot to drink, I'd wake up with this anxiety, shame, and self hate. This one is just memorable because in the midst of it, I was struck by the fact that I felt like I was in hell, but I was literally sitting in the sand on a beach at sunrise, watching dolphins play.
The truth is that it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last, either.
The last time, though, at the end of last month, I was pretty sure that this now prevalent horrendous feeling was what hangovers were going to be. It was starting to feel like I had it all the time, too. One afternoon I was in the hardware store trying to buy shades for my bedroom windows, which face east, because I couldn't sleep with the light shining in. I was so riddled with anxiety that I couldn't make a decision about which to buy, and in my exhaustion, hadn't measured the windows.
Everything was on autopilot, everything was just a reaction to a feeling which had a source of dread. Work, home, social interactions, everything.
It's now clear to me that this anxiety was not actually about any actual incidents. It was about being an alcoholic. It's interesting to me that while I knew that alcoholism has these effects, and has denial, I didn't see it in myself, even though I've said before that I'm an alcoholic. I was blaming all of these external things: mean people, my job, the damn sun, my landlord, etc, etc, etc.
It's striking to me, that I was not feeling real feelings, because I really believed that I was. That anxiety was completely unnecessary and created by what I was doing to myself. Drinking causes that.
There is no way that the path of drinking could lead anywhere but this. When I drink, this is the result. Waking up does not feel anything remotely like this anymore. The world does not close in on me. I might be groggy, a little disoriented, but I don't feel anything close to impending doom.
I have a pretty awesome life. It's bizarre that I didn't see that. There's so much to be thankful for and to celebrate: my work, relationship, cat, home, sunrise in my bedroom, friends... and recovery. Those anxiety attacks were not created by these things. They were created by me, drinking.
Not trying to dwell in the past, just actually realizing now exactly how insidious it really was. Thanks for listening.
At the end,I didn't even have hangovers, or I had a special brand of them. I'm not sure where the line between hangover and withdrawal begins, but I didn't even give myself time for one. I'd wake up with the fast heartbeat, feeling horrible, throwing up, but wanting to jump out of my body. Someone on here described it greatly when she/he said she could not concentrate on anything during the weekend, even television shows meant to distract. I got to the point where I didn't want to feel massive withdrawal. I never went into DTs, hallucination, shakes, etc. i messed up in other ways that landed me in the hospital. At the end, I wish I just felt the headache and slight nausea I felt after a night on the town back in the day. What I was feeling was dead serious and bad. Only more drinking could remedy it, so I complied because I didn't want to feel it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 174
First of all this post is just amazing. Thank you, bexxed. I imagine many on here can relate, your description really brought me back there and helped me feel a sense of gratitude that I don't have to feel like this again.
Second is a question, and ultimately one where the answer doesn't matter all that much. But I am legitimately curious. So - does anybody know why or how the hangovers morph from the nausea/headache/overall sickness to the psychological pain that bexxed describes? I can't speak for anybody else on here but I know that towards the end that was what finally got me on a better path. I really couldn't live with that crushing, confusing anxiety anymore.
Is there some reason the hangovers turn into that? I don't totally get it.
Second is a question, and ultimately one where the answer doesn't matter all that much. But I am legitimately curious. So - does anybody know why or how the hangovers morph from the nausea/headache/overall sickness to the psychological pain that bexxed describes? I can't speak for anybody else on here but I know that towards the end that was what finally got me on a better path. I really couldn't live with that crushing, confusing anxiety anymore.
Is there some reason the hangovers turn into that? I don't totally get it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
...and we never have to deal with that again. I remwmber the hangover that brought me to this site. It was absolutely horrible. A two and a half day hangover. The anxiety was unbearable, i was physically sick, i was miserable. Then day two of the hangover was mainly anxiety and that doom and gloom feeling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by Scram
So - does anybody know why or how the hangovers morph from the nausea/headache/overall sickness to the psychological pain that bexxed describes? I can't speak for anybody else on here but I know that towards the end that was what finally got me on a better path. I really couldn't live with that crushing, confusing anxiety anymore.
Is there some reason the hangovers turn into that? I don't totally get it.
Is there some reason the hangovers turn into that? I don't totally get it.
When people say that alcoholism isn't a disease, it confounds me. If I had just one drink right now, I know that this would come back. Not like the morning on the beach maybe, but it would start. The first time I drank, it did not do that. It's psychological effect, regardless of quantity, is cumulative and that makes it a progressive disease, I think. Alcohol makes my brain work differently. It's really humbling, and I'm not going to lie, a little scary. I really think that I absolutely must never drink again. I don't have a fatty liver, or cirrhosis. I haven't lost my job or gotten a DUI. I've never gotten in a bar fight. (yet, yet, yet) But I'm a smart and positive person by nature and this was sucking that out of my brain. My aunt always said alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. Maybe that has something to do with it.
I'm glad sharing it helped others. It helped me to write it down... helped a lot. But yeah, I'm no science geek, so I don't know the answer. I only know that, for me, it's absolutely the way it is.
I recently was told by a doctor that I must eat an absolutely gluten free diet because I have a condition that will be with me the rest of my life, and if I want this horrendous rash that I had to go away, I must not eat even traces of it. (this was in the spring, and cutting out beer sucked at the time, switching to wine made me more drunk too). But the doc was right, and I have followed it, and I will follow it forever, because, believe me, I have to. Gluten is bexxed poison. It turns out that alcohol is too. It doesn't do quite the same thing to my guts and skin, but maybe it's a little worse.... infecting my brain, my identity, ability to see and think and perceive and feel and relate. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
the anxiety based hangover is just a progression from basic withdrawal symptoms. I had a lot of different hangovers -sometimes with headaches, less often the throwing up kind (although later in my addiction those became more common.) I went from half -day hangovers to some lasting a full 2 days. I'm sure aging is a part of it, as well as my addiction manifesting more significantly.
I had my first panic attack last year on a train hungover. Flushed, vision almost disappeared entirely, and heart racing. Came to again covered in sweat. Never had felt that way before. I wish I could say that was the end, but it wasn't.
I had my first panic attack last year on a train hungover. Flushed, vision almost disappeared entirely, and heart racing. Came to again covered in sweat. Never had felt that way before. I wish I could say that was the end, but it wasn't.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
