Need help & I am afraid I am too far gone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,332
Need help & I am afraid I am too far gone
Hi everyone, tomorrow will be my new day one, assuming I stop drinking before midnight. I feel like I don't have any control anymore. I had 67 days and then relapsed on 8/9, 8/16 & again today 8/23. I think I might just need to accept the fact that I am not strong enough to control this and I am either going to drink myself to death or commit suicide and end it before it gets that far. I am scared as I don't want it to end like this. I don't want to hurt my family. I know I am ultimately the only person that can help myself but I feel like I can't do it. I feel so out of control and if my mom wasn't so sick, I would seriously consider just ending it now but I can't do that to my family. I need help and therapy is not working. I just don't know what else to do. Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Dido to all you said, so you know you're not alone. I'm on here for the same reasons you are. Like I've been told by others on here that things do get better. I'm waiting for them to as I've had probably the worst year of my life because of alcohol.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Originally Posted by emme99 
I think I might just need to accept the fact that I am not strong enough to control this and I am either going to drink myself to death or commit suicide and end it before it gets that far.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,666
Hi emme, I tried stopping drinking many many times only to fail miserably. It came to the crunch when I was losing all that I hold precious in my life.
I then decided I don't drink anymore. That decision was easy, I had to then gave a recovery program to learn how to live without alcohol.
For me, that's where SR came in. I've learned to live without it and find out there is a life beyond alcohol.
It can happen, emme, it can happen for you, too.
I then decided I don't drink anymore. That decision was easy, I had to then gave a recovery program to learn how to live without alcohol.
For me, that's where SR came in. I've learned to live without it and find out there is a life beyond alcohol.
It can happen, emme, it can happen for you, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,332
I've tried AA and there were too many people there, around 50. I fought back tears through the entire meeting and was so scared they were going to call on me to speak. There is a meeting close to my house on Saturday mornings that is for women only that I have thought about attending. Not that I don't want men to be there but this will cut out at least 1/2 of the people so it will be a smaller group in my estimation. I have to wait a week for another meeting though. I might consider attending. Thanks for the advice everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Emme,
I know it is hard, I have had many day ones, and would be more frustrated with myself each time. I finally flipped my thinking to think "I don't drink." Alcohol was taking too much away from me physically and mentally. I am still in the early stages of being a "non-drinker," and there are currently many stressful situations with my life, but I know alcohol will not help, because all of the stressors are going to be there the next day, and dealing with them hungover is much more difficult.
I hope you know there are many people who care about you. Please check in tomorrow and let us know how you are.:/)
I know it is hard, I have had many day ones, and would be more frustrated with myself each time. I finally flipped my thinking to think "I don't drink." Alcohol was taking too much away from me physically and mentally. I am still in the early stages of being a "non-drinker," and there are currently many stressful situations with my life, but I know alcohol will not help, because all of the stressors are going to be there the next day, and dealing with them hungover is much more difficult.
I hope you know there are many people who care about you. Please check in tomorrow and let us know how you are.:/)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Hey emme, I was there just 4 days ago (and several times before that) I lie there coming down off another bender thinking "all my loved ones would be better off if I would just end it." But the truth is they would be crushed. They would be better off if I were sober. Much brighter alternative. 
keep going.
keep going.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hey emme things always look a bit dark when we've been drinking...
The good news is there's every reason in the world to expect that not only can you stop again but you can stop for good
Don't despair - it all comes down to a good plan - and that's something for you to think about tomorrow and the days to come
The good news is there's every reason in the world to expect that not only can you stop again but you can stop for good
Don't despair - it all comes down to a good plan - and that's something for you to think about tomorrow and the days to come
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Hi Emme, keep at it, we all have something to offer and we're all worth fighting for. You can do it. After two months clean we feel like we should be all better but there can still be tough times and I think that causes a lot of relapses. Get back at it! Is that your pup in you profile pic? So cute!
-Ted
-Ted
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by emme99
I am either going to drink myself to death or commit suicide and end it before it gets that far. I am scared as I don't want it to end like this. I don't want to hurt my family. I know I am ultimately the only person that can help myself but I feel like I can't do it.
Don't believe me? Try this simple exercise:
Write down on a piece of paper the 5 worst things that will happen to you as a direct result of never drinking again.
Take your time. I've been working on my list for 2 years. It still doesn't have anything on it I can't endure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
You mention that the therapy isn't working? Could you tell us what you're doing in terms of therapy - how often do you go? What do you talk about? What do you want to get out of the therapy?
Maybe if you share with us on that we can help nudge you towards a state of mind where the therapy has the potential to be more effective.
Maybe if you share with us on that we can help nudge you towards a state of mind where the therapy has the potential to be more effective.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Colchester, England
Posts: 104
As you don't seem to have many AA meetings near you, look into online meetings. And have a read of the 'Big Book' - you can either order it online or it can be read in a PDF format over on the AA website.
And with 'real-life' meetings, I'd suggest getting there early, so that you can talk to one or two people on a 1-to-1 basis, so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming. And in meetings, you never have to share if you don't want to.
And with 'real-life' meetings, I'd suggest getting there early, so that you can talk to one or two people on a 1-to-1 basis, so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming. And in meetings, you never have to share if you don't want to.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Emme, I do get where you are coming from - I was there! What took me awhile to "get" was that there are plenty of things that can help! For a couple of years I just didn't get the "plan" part.
Once I got going, here are the things I did:
Talked to my pdoc - complete honesty!
Was evaluated by an addiction specialist whom my pdoc referred me to.
Attended an intensive outpatient treatment program for 3 months.
Attended AA meetings as many days of the week as I could. I personally don't believe once a week is enough in the beginning. I had trouble with the concept of a higher power and didn't agree with everything but I wanted to get sober strongly enough that I worked at it. I at least shared "Hello, I'm Sassy and I'm an alcoholic" at each and every meeting. I asked for phone numbers and did call even though it was a hurdle for me. I wanted soooo badly to get sober that I was ready to do almost anything.
I am shy! But my life, sanity and self-respect are so important to me. If something doesn't work, add something else. We are not helpless!
Once I got going, here are the things I did:
Talked to my pdoc - complete honesty!
Was evaluated by an addiction specialist whom my pdoc referred me to.
Attended an intensive outpatient treatment program for 3 months.
Attended AA meetings as many days of the week as I could. I personally don't believe once a week is enough in the beginning. I had trouble with the concept of a higher power and didn't agree with everything but I wanted to get sober strongly enough that I worked at it. I at least shared "Hello, I'm Sassy and I'm an alcoholic" at each and every meeting. I asked for phone numbers and did call even though it was a hurdle for me. I wanted soooo badly to get sober that I was ready to do almost anything.
I am shy! But my life, sanity and self-respect are so important to me. If something doesn't work, add something else. We are not helpless!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Wow, 50 people in a meeting is pretty big where I live.
I'm also very shy and sometimes still have to make myself speak up at a meeting. But I don't have to, so if I really don't have anything to say at the time I don't, I just pass.
Maybe that women's meeting will feel less scary. I find that going to AA actually makes it easier to stay sober, provided I do what they suggest. Struggling on my own was too much for me.
I'm also very shy and sometimes still have to make myself speak up at a meeting. But I don't have to, so if I really don't have anything to say at the time I don't, I just pass.
Maybe that women's meeting will feel less scary. I find that going to AA actually makes it easier to stay sober, provided I do what they suggest. Struggling on my own was too much for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,332
Thanks everyone for the advice and support.
Lorax1981 - yes, that's my dog. I have had her for 6 months she is a rescue. If that is your dog in your profile pic he/she is cute too
endlesspatience - I go to therapy once a week although the past few weeks it has been every other week as my therapist was on maternity leave and I was seeing someone else. I have been going to therapy for maybe 5-6 months and this is the first time in my life getting therapy so I don't really know what to expect. She doesn't really address the drinking head on. We have talked about AA and she thinks I should go to more meetings. We talk about negative self talk (which she says indirectly is treating my addiction). With the new therapist from the last few weeks we have been focusing on food as that is how I deal with everything, I drink or I eat. I need to develop other coping skills.
Saskia - thanks, I will keep some of these things in mind as I do need to put a plan together.
Thanks again everyone for all of your comments and advice
Lorax1981 - yes, that's my dog. I have had her for 6 months she is a rescue. If that is your dog in your profile pic he/she is cute too
endlesspatience - I go to therapy once a week although the past few weeks it has been every other week as my therapist was on maternity leave and I was seeing someone else. I have been going to therapy for maybe 5-6 months and this is the first time in my life getting therapy so I don't really know what to expect. She doesn't really address the drinking head on. We have talked about AA and she thinks I should go to more meetings. We talk about negative self talk (which she says indirectly is treating my addiction). With the new therapist from the last few weeks we have been focusing on food as that is how I deal with everything, I drink or I eat. I need to develop other coping skills.
Saskia - thanks, I will keep some of these things in mind as I do need to put a plan together.
Thanks again everyone for all of your comments and advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,332
Dee - thanks for asking, I am doing fine, much better than last night.
Things do tend to look dark when I have been drinking and I need to consider that when the thought of drinking comes to mind. You are also right in that I need to put a plan together and I have been thinking about that and will get one put together. I saved the link you are always posting and will use that. Thank you for checking in
Things do tend to look dark when I have been drinking and I need to consider that when the thought of drinking comes to mind. You are also right in that I need to put a plan together and I have been thinking about that and will get one put together. I saved the link you are always posting and will use that
. Thank you for checking in
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