Ltr to Husband - Did I do ok?

Old 08-23-2015, 01:49 PM
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Ltr to Husband - Did I do ok?

This email is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. There’s not even a close second. Some of it was "borrowed" from others, but 90% of it was all mine, right from my heart. I sent it to my AH today (we are physically separated, but have been working on our marriage). His reaction was less than pleased. As anticipated. He texted me something about me being "so far gone..." But I'm not responding. If our marriage is over, so be it. But at least I will no longer be suffering.

Can someone - anyone - just read it and validate me? I will absolutely be sticking with no contact, but my God does it hurt. Just tell me I did the right thing so I can sleep tonight.


Dear xxxx,

I love you completely. My love for you has only grown each and every day, even through the worst of times. From the very first moment I looked into your eyes on xxx, I was blown away and totally captivated. To this minute, I haven’t noticed that another man exists. You are it for me; always have been, always will be. It’s everything – the way you look, your voice, your smell. God, I would bottle that smell if I could…as close to heaven as I can imagine. And the best part of all? I know you feel the exact same way about me. I have never doubted that. Even when I have said as much, it was only because I was hurt at the time. In the deepest part of my heart, I know that we are unable to stop loving each other. It is an impossibility.

I waited 40 years to find love, and it was worth every minute. Giving and getting love is by far the greatest experience of my life, and I’m so happy God led us to each other. I have always felt like you were “home” and that I am safe with you. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I am understood by someone. And understanding you takes no effort at all. Almost as though I am looking into a mirror at the other version of me. I don’t think many people ever get to experience the kind of love we have – in fact, I’m sure of it. We are connected in a way even we don’t understand. I truly love you.

You are the smartest and most resourceful person I have ever known. It is no wonder you were able to lead a city so successfully at such a young age! You amaze me. I wish I had been around to participate in that period of your life, but alas, it was not meant to be. One of many things about the time we missed together that saddens me.

You have taught me so much about who I am, about the world we live in, about parenting each of our children…the list goes on and on. I feel lucky to have been a part of your life, as you are such a special person. And you are also incredibly complicated, like an onion – so many layers to go through. And still I feel I’ve only scratched the surface. But in the entire world, in my entire life, you are my favorite person, and the one I can never get enough of because you are endlessly fascinating to me. If we both lived 100 more years I would never get tired of just being in the same room as you.

We have often spoken of my (disease) and the necessity of me taking care of it and myself. In fact, you recently told me that the only thing that was a “deal breaker” in our marriage is if I stopped making my health my number one priority. I support that decision 100%, as it wouldn’t be fair to you to watch me suffer from that horrible disease if I wasn’t willing to do all I could to fight it. You are my inspiration every day when I walk – I want to be a better me, a healthier me and live a long life so that we may grow old together. I’m so happy that walking has become a part of my routine, and I owe it to you for being persistent and encouraging me. Thank you.

Which brings me to the purpose of this email. xxx, you have a terrible disease. You are a drug addict. It is not your fault, any more than it is my fault I have (disease). It isn’t fair, you don’t deserve it, but it is true whether you accept it or not. And because of this horrible disease that you have been plagued with, I have been forced to watch you suffer. However, it didn’t sink in until we spoke Wednesday night that you are truly suffering from a disease that is completely separate from “you” – the fact that you are able to lie to me with such ease is what finally made me understand. Now that I clearly see the correlation between your addiction and my (disease), I can no longer pretend that it is just going to stop without help. It is up to you to address your disease. I love you so much that I can no longer watch you rot away and kill yourself, however involuntary it is. I fully accept that the disease is not something you want or can control, but what you choose to do about it is fully within your power. And that decision can only be made by you, for you. I am not pressuring you in any way to do anything – I am simply no longer going to be involved with someone who is unwilling to admit and work on a problem that is destroying their life and their health.

I could write volumes about how much your lies have hurt me over the years. I used to be so angry about it and I began to resent you…almost hate you. But on Wednesday, God came into my heart and it was as though I was struck by lighting. Suddenly I fully understood and accepted that your drug addiction is not something that you are CHOOSING; it is something you are SUFFERING from. I now realize that your addiction must be incredibly powerful for you to put it ahead of me and our children. And you have done that time and time again. The loving, caring committed family man I know is in there would NEVER do that willingly. And no amount of love that I have for you, or you have for me can fix this. I thank God for showing me that truth. The disease is incredibly cruel and powerful – more powerful than any amount of willpower you or anyone else could conjure up. So please understand that I meant it when I told you I am not upset with you. I’m at peace with you, and have accepted that you have never done anything within your control to hurt me. You, too, are a victim of your addiction. And even just this understanding made my love for you grow tenfold. As much as we have always said we would never purposely hurt one another, it always felt like you had. Now I know that isn’t the case, and I’m sorry that I didn’t understand that before.

xxx, we buried your friend yyy this year – your younger friend. He died from a drug overdose, just as you will if you continue to use. This isn’t an exaggeration or me being melodramatic. The drugs will kill you. I remember in great detail the way (wife) and their children looked that day at church with yyy lying cold and dead just a few feet away. The pain they were feeling was almost unbearable just to witness; I cannot imagine how they must have felt. I’m sure he and (wife) had plans to retire and enjoy life, maybe be grandparents together. And now those dreams have died needlessly along with yyy. How empty (wife)'s heart must be!

I don’t want to wind up standing in the front of a church, with you dead next to me because of drugs. But there’s absolutely nothing – nothing! – I can do about it to make it stop. What I can do is protect myself from having to go through the same thing as (wife) did. I would rather be alone than watch you fade away in front of my eyes. You are only a ghost to me as it is now – you still look like my husband, but your disease is in control. And I hate it more than I can ever tell you. Me, who hates nobody and forgives all…I would happily murder the disease in cold blood with my bare hands if it were only possible, especially if it meant saving you. But again, there is nothing I can do about it. This fight is all yours. I am merely a spectator to your slow death.

I have finally reached my breaking point, and can no longer watch you gradually dying. Where is xxx who actually had integrity? I don’t trust you anymore. Not one bit. It has been quite a while since I have fully trusted you, but now even the shreds are gone. Because the most honest and sincere person I have ever known – and I truly believe most people will ever know – is gone. Nobody lies like a drug addict does. You are able to look into my eyes time and time again and just lie as though it is second nature. So heartbreaking for me…there are no words. You were my one true friend, and you are gone. I am truly alone in a way I never thought I could be. But I hang on to hope that one day you will be back. And I will no longer be on the schoolyard trying to protect myself and my family alone. Because it is incredibly scary and I could really use your help – I always thought you would have my back, so to say. We promised as much (on vacation)…when you were clean.

You have not been honest with anyone – Dr. 1, Dr. 2, me and most tragically, yourself. You truly do not think you have a problem – do not see that you, just like the other people suffering from your disease, are an addict. A user. A junkie. Until you are able to admit that, and seek appropriate outside professional help, I cannot be a part of your life. I cannot see you or speak to you in any capacity. I do not want any contact with you at this time. None. I will not block you in any way; I simply won’t be responding should you reach out.

If in the future you decide to get professional help, and are completely honest with those professionals, I will be there to support you 100 percent. But until you are able to stay clean and sober from all substances for at least 2 months (with verifiable proof), I cannot be anywhere near you. I can’t continue to watch you kill yourself; it’s a disease but you have chosen not to acknowledge, accept or address it. Just imagine if I did the same thing with my lupus – I would want you to leave to spare you from watching my body and soul be ravaged right in front of you. Addiction is sucking the life out of you. Sucking the YOU out of you. I made a lot of mistakes trying to help you, and I struggled to recognize the difference between helping and enabling — I tried so hard to stay on the right side of the invisible line between helping you to live and helping you to die. Now I know there is nothing I can do until you decide to love yourself and help yourself.

So for the foreseeable future, I will not know if you are ok or not, and you will not know the same about me. I hope I am able to find a job and get things in order, but I won’t have you to talk to about it or bounce things off of. That is going to be hard. And if I do become homeless, I won’t be turning to you for help. In fact, I guess you won’t even know about it. When I saw you today, I wanted so badly to hug you and have contact with you – anything – just so I could smell you one more time and feel your skin against mine. Perhaps it was better that it didn’t happen, as I am already starting to forget and heal. Unwillingly, but necessarily. I will never want another near me again. They won’t be you. My xxx.

I love you. It is killing me watching you destroy yourself. Through trial and error and lack of results, I learned that I can’t fix this for you. And I learned that I love you enough to bear the toughest pain of all – leaving. Sometimes love means doing nothing rather than doing something. I am walking away for me, not you. Letting go is extremely hard but I have to do it to save myself. I am done unless and until you are ready to help yourself. I will no longer help you with medication, money or anything else. .

I realize you may very well walk away from this marriage upon reading this letter. I am ready for that reaction, and will respect your choice, whatever it may be. Even knowing you may want to divorce me, I still felt I had to do this. I can’t actively contribute to your demise. Ending our marriage is not my intention, but I will accept it if it means I no longer have to watch you dying right before my eyes. There is nothing more cruel than watching your soulmate, the love of your life, slowly disappearing and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I can’t. I won’t.

But, xxx, letting go is not the same thing as giving up. I believe in you. I know your strength. I know your heart. I know you can overcome this with outside help…you just have to understand it is a life or death battle. And you have never been one to back down from a fight. Win this one.

There is a place in my life and my heart that is exactly your size….I’m keeping it warm for you.

Love,
Me
HoneyBadger1 is offline  
Old 08-23-2015, 03:24 PM
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I dont know your story with him, but your letter was beautiful and made me cry. Im sure it was hard to write but cleansing too? If those are your feelings then I think you needed to share it and you did it in a kind, heartfelt way.
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Old 08-23-2015, 05:28 PM
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My story is much like everyone else's...he had prior addiction issues when I met him 6 years ago, but had kicked them. We were each single parents, he to 4 children, me to 2. It was an amazing connection and unlike any I had ever experienced. We moved in together within 6 months (I know now - way too fast) and married within the year (I know now - way, way too fast!). I found out about him using within days of our marriage, but by then it was very difficult to simply leave. We are both lawyers and we had merged our practices along with our lives. Long story short, it has been 5 years of hell. Short periods of him being clean, promises broken, serious illnesses, him losing his law license, going bankrupt and eventually me leaving him back in March of this year. However, we intended to work on ourselves and our marriage and reunite next spring. I realized he was using again by April and knew that I wasn't ready to walk, but that I needed to start detaching. So I did slowly, praying every day for the strength to finally cut him off. And my moment came last Wednesday. I told him I would email him once I had my thoughts together, which I did today. He is beyond mad (and has sent me emails despite the no contact demand). But because I waited and gave myself the time to do it, I am so strong and so resolute that nothing will change my mind. If he chooses to get help, yipeee! If he doesn't, I won't have wasted another day feeling bad, being blamed and wondering if things will ever change. They have. I have. And I'm damn proud of myself for doing it. Now I just need to keep reading all the wonderful stories and struggles you all have shared here to remind myself that I CAN do this. It won't be easy, but I'm worth it.

Hope and strength to all,
HB
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