Save me from myself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1
Save me from myself!
Hello all.
I don't know how exactly it all happened. Funny how one's willpower gets frayed and unravelled like old shoelaces...
I'm an expat writer, working on my fourth novel in a remote village-town in southern Ukraine. I have been 100% sober since January 5, 2015 (and long periods before that, but always eventually slipping).
Started working round the clock to meet my editor's deadline...putting the book ahead of my health...I didn't take any breaks. My self-esteem was getting more and more frayed like those shoelaces. And then, last week I got chewed out by my Ukrainian neighbor, an uneducated taxi driver. Fact is, his car was the only one in the lot, and I was rushing to get to the bank before it closes.
--"Sasha! please, can you take me to the center right now? The bank is closing in a few minutes!"
Sasha is sitting at the nearby cafe, his bony leg crossed over his thigh, one hand holding a cigarette, the other a tiny cup of espresso.
---"I'm drinking my coffee."
I was pretty startled, but at first I tried to call a taxi company. Only after the phone rang repeatedly, and no one picked up, did I go back to Sasha, miffed.
"Sasha, please! I'm going to be late. I have given so many clothes to your wife." (I said the latter, meaning: I'm your neighbor and I am a good, generous person).
He starts screaming at me, so I ended up walking to a gas station and calling a taxi from there, and of course, missing the bank. They closed for lunch for a whole hour.
Later, I knocked on my neighbor's door to straighten out things. We're adults, right? Well, he opens the door, screams nonstop some more, how it is all my fault, how I humiliated him, how the woman he was having coffee with has cancer, etc. etc.
When I tried to explain my side of the story - aren't taxi drivers supposed to be ready to go when a customer needs a ride? How am I supposed to know your friend has cancer?, etc - he cuts me off and tries to slam the door in my face!
Now, remember, this guy lives right next door to me (I hear every little thing behind these thin walls), and being a woman completely alone out here, I rather need friendly neighbors around, you know? I jammed my foot in the door, so he couldn't close it, and found myself trying to justify myself, in Ukrainian: "Say you forgive me! "Say you forgive me!" As if I am responsible for having hurt his feelings by expecting him to act like a taxi driver? I mean, isn't that why most people hire taxis--when they are running late and need to get somewhere fast?
The episode was so bizarre, and it hurt me. I have no one to talk to. So, yes, to numb my feelings, I went out and bought beer. Now I find myself slipping down that slippery slope of nonaccountability. I live alone, so there's no one who knows or cares how much beer I'm imbibing every day.
I hate the way it makes me feel the next day. My head feels stuffed with cotton and my neurons stop firing together. As a writer, I really need my brain. And I hate the idea of spending money that doesn't have to be spent.
So I have declared tomorrow, Monday August 24 to be my new, ironclad Sobriety Date, but I need some support.
Thank you for listening. And good luck to every one else out there who is starting sobriety tomorrow.
Lilly
I don't know how exactly it all happened. Funny how one's willpower gets frayed and unravelled like old shoelaces...
I'm an expat writer, working on my fourth novel in a remote village-town in southern Ukraine. I have been 100% sober since January 5, 2015 (and long periods before that, but always eventually slipping).
Started working round the clock to meet my editor's deadline...putting the book ahead of my health...I didn't take any breaks. My self-esteem was getting more and more frayed like those shoelaces. And then, last week I got chewed out by my Ukrainian neighbor, an uneducated taxi driver. Fact is, his car was the only one in the lot, and I was rushing to get to the bank before it closes.
--"Sasha! please, can you take me to the center right now? The bank is closing in a few minutes!"
Sasha is sitting at the nearby cafe, his bony leg crossed over his thigh, one hand holding a cigarette, the other a tiny cup of espresso.
---"I'm drinking my coffee."
I was pretty startled, but at first I tried to call a taxi company. Only after the phone rang repeatedly, and no one picked up, did I go back to Sasha, miffed.
"Sasha, please! I'm going to be late. I have given so many clothes to your wife." (I said the latter, meaning: I'm your neighbor and I am a good, generous person).
He starts screaming at me, so I ended up walking to a gas station and calling a taxi from there, and of course, missing the bank. They closed for lunch for a whole hour.
Later, I knocked on my neighbor's door to straighten out things. We're adults, right? Well, he opens the door, screams nonstop some more, how it is all my fault, how I humiliated him, how the woman he was having coffee with has cancer, etc. etc.
When I tried to explain my side of the story - aren't taxi drivers supposed to be ready to go when a customer needs a ride? How am I supposed to know your friend has cancer?, etc - he cuts me off and tries to slam the door in my face!
Now, remember, this guy lives right next door to me (I hear every little thing behind these thin walls), and being a woman completely alone out here, I rather need friendly neighbors around, you know? I jammed my foot in the door, so he couldn't close it, and found myself trying to justify myself, in Ukrainian: "Say you forgive me! "Say you forgive me!" As if I am responsible for having hurt his feelings by expecting him to act like a taxi driver? I mean, isn't that why most people hire taxis--when they are running late and need to get somewhere fast?
The episode was so bizarre, and it hurt me. I have no one to talk to. So, yes, to numb my feelings, I went out and bought beer. Now I find myself slipping down that slippery slope of nonaccountability. I live alone, so there's no one who knows or cares how much beer I'm imbibing every day.
I hate the way it makes me feel the next day. My head feels stuffed with cotton and my neurons stop firing together. As a writer, I really need my brain. And I hate the idea of spending money that doesn't have to be spent.
So I have declared tomorrow, Monday August 24 to be my new, ironclad Sobriety Date, but I need some support.
Thank you for listening. And good luck to every one else out there who is starting sobriety tomorrow.
Lilly
I'd suggest joining the class of August thread here on newcomers. And you can post daily in the 24 hour thread on newcomers daily support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,021
Welcome to SR Lilly. For a little extra support you may want to join us in the Class of August 2015 thread.
Regarding you neighbor, maybe you can repair the relationship after he cools down a little?
Regarding you neighbor, maybe you can repair the relationship after he cools down a little?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Welcome to SR Lilly. I find reaching out here for support and accountability is a great thing.
I admire your sense of adventure in writing in Ukraine. That's great. But you're right in thinking the alcohol dulls the brain and stifles initiative. Stick around.
I'd let things cool off a bit with your neighbor before addressing him again. And remember that taxi driver or not, your emergency isn't his emergency or priority. He's got stuff on his plate too. Try to pre plan stuff to not put yourself in a rush. I'm always pushing to the last minute, cutting it close to deadlines and it's incredibly stressful. For me, I have to plan better and be more mindful of time management.
Hang in there
I admire your sense of adventure in writing in Ukraine. That's great. But you're right in thinking the alcohol dulls the brain and stifles initiative. Stick around.
I'd let things cool off a bit with your neighbor before addressing him again. And remember that taxi driver or not, your emergency isn't his emergency or priority. He's got stuff on his plate too. Try to pre plan stuff to not put yourself in a rush. I'm always pushing to the last minute, cutting it close to deadlines and it's incredibly stressful. For me, I have to plan better and be more mindful of time management.
Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome, Lilly.
I hope today you will make room for some healthy activity. A calm stroll along a river. Some time just sitting in a park.... Watching the sunset.
It sounds like you're under a lot of stress and pressure - and in those times we need to redouble our efforts at self care.
Drinking can seem to be the easy path to relief - but that's an illusion.
Stick with us and stay sober!
I hope today you will make room for some healthy activity. A calm stroll along a river. Some time just sitting in a park.... Watching the sunset.
It sounds like you're under a lot of stress and pressure - and in those times we need to redouble our efforts at self care.
Drinking can seem to be the easy path to relief - but that's an illusion.
Stick with us and stay sober!
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