cricket123

My son 17 1/2 (see previous posts) seems to think I should not get child support for him. After having a conversation with my daughter it seems to be a theme. Says I am buying food for him now il should in the future.

Well here's the deal STBXAH's mom buys all our food now.(this is to cut me off of doing anything and waiting in the wings to buy AH all new stuff) and I will not have that or any other outside support once the divorce is final.

So where did this come from?(AH? Maybe)

And how do I explain that it is needed so they understand. They are young adults and only hear what ah is telling them. I am doing my best to leave them out if this but I feel he keeps dragging them into it.

Any suggestions?

Cricket

53500

Child support is a law. End of story. He's old enough to understand that. Perhaps he does not agree with it which is fine, but it's still a law.

If he wants in on making laws he can run for Congress.

ladyscribbler

What does your lawyer say about all this?

NoelleR

I've never understood how any man; any real man, would not pay to support his own children.

I hope your son gets some good future education; he could grow up to one of those fathers who won't be responsible for his own actions; IOW, not willing to support his own children, should he have any.

(o:
NoelleR

Refiner

Yeah great role model your STBXAH is - NOT.

happybeingme

I think it might help your mental state if you just accept the fact you can't change their minds. Let them complain and offer their opinion. You don't have to listen. Focus on taking care of you and your future. They can always live with their dad if they are unhappy. You don't have to accept their behavior

LexieCat

Your son might be interested to know that courts INSIST that the noncustodial parent pay support. It's not waivable, most places. The theory is that it is the CHILD's right to financial support from both parents. Tell your son if it troubles him that much he can repay his dad for it once he gets a job. LOL, that would be an interesting test of his principles.

Refiner

Ha! That would be interesting! See just how grown up and emancipated he wants to be!

LexieCat

Seriously, cricket, I understand your wanting the kids to understand. But I wish you would stop hurting your head about it. To the extent you keep trying to convince them, you are making them part of your battleground with your husband. Do what you need to do, and leave them out of it. You can refuse to discuss it with them. You can say, "I understand you don't agree, but it isn't up for discussion. End of story. " The more you defend it or try to explain, the more it appears that it's something that can legitimately be questioned. It isn't. Just because your husband is dragging them into the ins and outs of your divorce doesn't mean you have to do the same. It amounts to stooping to his level. I know you have truth and rightness and justice on your side, but for purposes of this situation it really doesn't matter. When your kids get older they will understand.

cricket123

Thanks Lexie

You are right for now the discussion is going to be cl

cricket123

Thanks Lexie

You are right - for now the discussion is going to be closed. I guess if son wants to repay his dad he can take it up with him. I guess I need to let my son find out the hard way on the road to independence.

dandylion

Cricket.......I agree with Lexie on this. It also falls in l ine with some of the other posts.
Here is what I suggest.....(basically the same as Lexie).....Withdraw yourself from the "fight" by refusing to participate----thereby, setting your son free from the fighting.
Your son is the most vulnerable one, right now....due to his youth.
He MUST be feeling torn, inside, due to his being dragged into the middle of this.

Cricket---he is still a child....his brain is still growing and he doesn't have much life experience to draw on. He may, also not have the verbal skills to express his deeper feelings and fears (if he could even understand them).

In l ight of this....just tell him that he is a y oung person who shoulddn't have to worry about these adult p roblems. Tell him that he deserves to worry only about his own future and his education and his own issues.
Tell him that you know this must be hard for him to be in the middle of this.
Tell him that you will be o.k. That this is between you and his father and that YOU will make your own decisions.
He needs to feel that this is NOT his burden. That he won't lose your love. (he probably fears that his will lose his father if he doesn't take a side. He knows that he won't lose you....).
****a child feels secure when the parent seems peaceful and calm and CONFIDENT. Your son will take his "cues" from you as to whether things are o.k. concerning his sec urity. You should come across as a calm lighthouse in the storm---for the sake of your son.

As I have said in some of my o ther posts to you...I am concerned about YOU and the role that you have as scapegoat in this family. You are the victim of blame shifting to take the spotlight off your husband. Don't take the mantle.
You don't have to JADE.....justify, argue, defend, or explain.
This scapegoating that you take, no doubt, has it
s roots in your own past family life. The baggage that you carry....and that will be something that you can/need to work on ....on your own side of the street.

In short....step out of the fray. Be firm, calm, and confident (fake it till you make it). Release you son from the fighting.
For anyone who doesn't like it---they can just stay mad till they get glad.....

dandylion

Ileana

Personally, this isn't an issue I would be discussing with them. Young adults or not, they are being manipulated by their dad. The kids have clearly taken sides on this issue and its against you getting support. So, if the subject came up I would simply say "I am allowing the lawyers we hired to work out the details. I expect it will be a fair settlement. All you need to worry about is that you will be taken care of. And that is all I will say about this topic" (You may not believe it will be fair but they also don't need to know that.). And if brought up again...say "I told you, the topic is not up for discussion. You don't owe them any explanation. And if you do, you are just playing into dad's hand.

searching peace

It has worked the opposite with my son. He announced to me the other day that he will want his future wife to sign a prenup. So I automatically assumed that he was thinking he would need to protect himself and just when I started to open my mouth to give him a lecture, he said "I want to make sure she and any children we may have will be taken care of regardless. I want to protect my future wife and children. I do not want them ever having to go through what you have and I don't want to take a chance and turn out to be like my dad." So in my case, it has worked the opposite. But he has that very real awareness and fear he could end up like his father.

Sungrl

I don't know, I kind of disagree. I know child support is due you by law.

That being said, he is very close to 18. Very different if he was say 4.

You are living in hell and if forgoing 6 months support gets you in a better place. I say let it go. What will you do financially after the 6 months?

And I'm sorry but your MIL buys all the food for your household?? WTF??

You should get the hell outta dodge as soon as possible. From the sound of your posts you are living a nightmare! What are doing to help yourself??

cricket123

Sungrl

Lok I work a lot and hang with the kids.

My mil has been buying us(her son and our kids) more food now than when I was off work for a year being treated for cancer. She is a classic enabler, she feels very guilty for her own first marriage and is always interfering with her sons life. At one point he had her under control. But if he's no longer has control over his life so she moved in on that. Boy do I get dirty looks now. My mom offten said my mil marriaged STBXAH to me so she didn't have to deal with him. Now she has him back. Lol

NoelleR

Yes, in your case it has worked out ok, however when I posted.............:

I was referring to cricker123's original post where she wrote...............:

It would appear he (and the daughter too) already belongs to the school of thought that doesn't believe in child support (???).

(o:
NoelleR

cricket123

I think this type of though comes from having no real life experiences. There are points to both sides but reality is that WE provided for them until a certain time so they can concentrate on being kids. If that means that one parent provides money to the other for that support than so be it. My sons job is to get good grades and I hope to continue to college. I just need to get him back on track now.

Florence

Totally out of curiosity: What is the kids' investment in child support? Do they think they're entitled to pocket that money? Or do they resent that their dad is forced to pay at all?

It doesn't ultimately matter, but it's unclear why they care at all. Child support is paid to the custodial parent to support the children. It's really none of the children's business.

searching peace

Noelle, I was simply trying to give hope that sometimes it does work the opposite.