Gjess

It's my 7th day being sober and I'm proud of myself . What makes me mad is , in a situation like mine , as a mum with 2 small kids I can't ask for a professional help . Instead I have to hide my problem from the world and my only option of getting help is online and from few close friends. Why I'm saying this is because if you have small kids and if you have professional help involved you would be under the microscope with all kinds of services involved including child protection services. Many and probably most of case like this result in children being taken away and making life even bigger hell . Even if I'm a decent mum , my children are happy and well looked after as well as the almost never saw me with the drink in my hand , because I was a night drinker it would still be considered that I'm unfit mother . So tell me how can a woman get a decent support without making her life even bigger hell and help her . I wonder how many mums like me still scared to do anything about their problem because they simply can't get a professional help even if they really want it . Ion so angry that most of us have to hide and suffer in pain , most of us all we have is online support and nothing else . And I am no exception, even if I want to detox I have to search info online , buy bunch of stupid supplements because someone said it worked for them and hope for the best ,. I can't stop crying today looking at what my life had become. Buying vitamins and researching everything on my own and suffering alone just because I can't get other kind of help . I'm so mad and sad and just can't get this feeling out of my head . Rant over

Mountainmanbob

You could go to counseling and there should be no trouble caused for you because, you are not a threat to yourself or anyone else.

I know many ladies in AA with children who never got involved with the authorities.

This site is of great help for many -- please join us often.

Congratulations on your 7 days sober.

MM

PennyLane76

how about some type of meeting while your kids are in school?

sugarbear1

You have a week sober and not drinking, why not ask for help now? There is no proof you are an unfit mother!

AA is available, too. Counseling.....there is help out there!

ArtFriend

Hi - Congrats on 7 days!!

I am not sure how you can care for your kids if you are drinking nightly. Even if they don't see you with drink in hand. Your ability to provide a safe and stable home for them is impaired when you drink. What if there was an emergency, like a fire. Would you be able to react fast enough to save your kids?

I applaud you for wanting to get help. I don't know the laws in the UK but someone should be able to help you. Can you maybe call a hotline for a referral confidentially? I get your fear about your kids being taken from you, but you really need help here. Good luck.

brighterlife

Wow
Could have written that myself
I will say you do not have to be ashamed in asking for professional help. You are right there are many mums like us out there waiting for wine o'clock and the professionals know it too. They will not judge you as being an unfit mother, rather an individual who recognises they have an addiction and wants to better herself.
I strongly recommend aa. I've also gone to a local rehab and signed up for counselling and to the local walk in alcohol advice centre for group therapy etc.
I deluded myself that I wasn't harming my kids as I drank at night too however, I was not fully present for them and I did indirectly put them in danger at times.
Your children will not be taken off you and social services will not be informed as long as you stay sober. But you can't do this alone, surround yourself with mums like yourself, meet for coffee, meetings etc. Stay well x

NestWasEmpty

I wouldn't think - I could be wrong .. That you would be frowned upon to get some sort of help . For instance someone saying "Oh look she has a drinking problem she's not getting any help "! People should say " Wow what a Good mother , she's getting help for her drinking problem
Yet again if your under a situation where your being watched , cause they know your having problems . That may change things . Myself I think the odds are better to get help- if you really need it . Than to fall down again - for lack of trying .
Sorry for what your going through . I ramble too much sometimes - thinking of answers . Good luck in your journey . Nice work on your 7 Days

Gjess

Just wanted to say I wasn't drinking all night long , my kids would go to sleep early and I wouldn't stay up longer than till 1 am , not trying to justify myself by any means , just saying. And getting help for me would be very hard , saying this because of other people's experiences and not only those who have problems with alcohol. I also don't have any family here where I live only husband and 2 close friends. I don't even know what I'm trying to say , I'm a mess today with my emotions, only one thing I can say I don't want to see another bottle of wine in my life and I truly getting more and more disgusted thinking about alcohol even when my av wakes up and start whispering I became stronger than this voice

notgonnastoptry

I feel you. For these reasons, I wanted it hidden from EVERYONE. My husband did not comply and I have people who know (granted, a people he told are his own family and a few of his friends that I have no contact with--that's fine, I get he needs support, go for it. I objected him to telling my family and our kids because I knew they would not be open. I told him not to but he said by doing what I did I lost all votes in the matter because of the direness of the situation).

I'm very irritated at this because I'm a mother and there's a huge stigma associated with this. I haven't even told one friend. The only person I know is the person whose house I was binging at. She knows for obvious reasons, but has made it her priority to lie to my husband out of embarrassment of what happened and pretend she was dumping my bottles. Lie. She was going out to get more, drunk, with my CC (I allowed all of this).

Point is, she is not even in contact. I don't expect her to be. It was a drunk friendship, and she called shortly after to vindicate herself. I told her I was a big girl (in a nice way) and that what happened was my choice. Still, because she felt badly, I called her about two weeks ago and she didn't answer. It's like she's angry at me for having this happen and being sober. She feels guilt.

It's too bad women are so stigmatized. I read a statistic that in kids who grow up with alcoholics, 60 percent of the time, it's the dad, 20 percent (so very low), the mom, and 20 percent both.

The fact that we are minority makes us appear incredibly weak. I know people have not been understanding in my circles. Kids think I'm morally depraved (they suspected it, but my husband felt compelled to explain everything which is a bunch of bs in my mind. I asked him not to but he did what he wanted. His family is all about sharing and being open. I am not, for good reasons. I knew the reaction from teh kids would not be "oh mum, we are glad you are better" nope. It's been hell.

Even the husband has used my hospitalization against me in some major fights and divorce threats.

That's why I trust very few and if I could have stopped on my own or even been hospitalized on my own, the aftermath would have been 180 degrees different. Sorry for overspilling on your thread. Although I haven't caved to drinking, the few times I've been pushed to think about it has resulted from this "awesome support system" (NOT!!) that I have and didn't ask for their "support".

Dee74

Hi gjess

I'm not a mum but I think there's more help available out there than you might think.

I understand the fear - but Child Services are not waiting to pounce on every mum who rocks up to an AA meeting or sees a Dr or counsellor

D

Anna

I agree with Dee's comments. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself and to stop drinking. I don't think that anyone will want to take your children away from you as long as you are sober and working on your recovery. Congratulations on 7 days sober.

Delfin

Another mom here, and I get what you and NGST are saying. It's why I haven't told anyone irl. Thank God I have SR because except for this, I'm on my own. I'm at over a month now and the support here has really gotten me through. I'm doing reading too and have made some significant life changes to support my sobriety. So far so good.

Anyway, all I can say is stay strong, Gjess. I find that each day gets a little bit easier for me, and I really hope it does for you too.

Delfin

Ruby2

I'm a mom and when I went into inpatient treatment for alcohol my two children were 4 and 7, and I was separated from my husband. No one reported me as being unfit. The neighbors and my husband sure could have but didn't. There seemed to be more stigma associated with continuing to drink than in seeking help.

I'm not certain of child protection laws in the UK but here in the US I've not seen mothers reported for seeking help, only if something happens to a child while mom is drunk, or if the kids are obviously neglected or abused.

Do what you have to do to get and stay sober. You can do this. I think a lot of the hesitance in getting help is fear of being reported but it may just be the addictive voice talking and not the reality.

Delfin

Gjess, I just wanted to add that if you're having a really hard time maintaining your sobriety, you really should consider outside help. For me, it's not an issue at this time, but in my mind I know the best thing for me and my child is for me to be sober, and I would do whatever it takes to keep that. Everything in my child's life builds off my sobriety.

I don't know if you are at a point where you may not be able to maintain your sobriety without outside help. But if that's a possibility, please rethink your position. Trust me, I understand how hard that is.

Best of luck, Gjess.

Delfin

ReadyAtLast

Hi, I'm a mum and in the UK too. I understand how you feel. I was terrified of asking for help and people finding out I had a problem. I didn't think that most people already knew because they had seen me drinking or seen the after effects. We think we can hide it but we can't.

I shudder now at the times I went to baby groups and must have been hungover stinking of booze

There is no shame in asking for help. I went to my doctor once I'd quit drinking to have blood tests and because my anxiety was through the roof. She did not report me to social services. She said what a good thing it was I'd quit. You are improving yours and your childrens lives by quitting and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I felt great relief when I'd spoken to my doctor. I knew physically I was ok and mentally it helped as I took anti depressants and anxiety meds short term which stabilised me.

AA is anonymous if that is the option you wish to take. There are many other options though, I use AVRT which you can read about online.

Please don't be ashamed to seek help. People know we have a problem - no matter how well we think we hide it.

sobriiestote

I'm a Mum with 2 kids in the UK and I went to my gp, got referred to Addaction, set up a home and dry detox that is starting on 7th Sept, my husband and kids came to the last appt. with me! Kids with headphones on, husband being told how to administer the medication, they both commented on how well behaved my children were, they both congratulated me on reaching out and even said if my head is in the right place that I probably won't find this as hard as I think...

Now that remains to be seen of course! But not once did I feel looked down upon, stigmatised, belittled, threatened. It has been a fantastic process so far.

I'm being prescribed tablets to stop cravings after the detox too.

I hope if u do reach out you get a similar experience to me.

Mountainmanbob

True. Even if in some way they found out, their only concern in these matters from what I've seen is that the alcoholic is seeking help. I have known several ladies who have gotten into serious trouble with the law and the authorities have not taken their children. Although many of these ones are forced to attend a couple of AA meetings each week. Most seem to be very happy with their new found sober life.

You are not in trouble with the law.
All should be good for you.
If, you stay sober.

MM

Gjess

No I'm fine maintaining sobriety on my own with online help , the point of my post was that many mums are too scared to get help and that's sad , I just kept thinking about it the other day and felt like I wanted to vent about it .
I'm doing well , and I'm a day 8 and not even thinking about drinking

Soberwolf

You are awesome & I totally agree Gjess