Pebbles2012

A little background.... My AW and I have been separated since Feb. Lots of bs over the 10 yrs of marriage with alcohol etc. I recently have began to realize how she dumps her emotions on me without batting an eye. She thinks this is her "opening up" to me but it's so obviously not. Unfortunately for me I've always had an issue with this and setting healthy boundaries. IMHO she's an emotional wreck to the extreme. What little contact I have with her is usually her feeling bad about something or spewing off about how bad her day was. Mind you the things she talks about are everyday life issues and likely wouldn't upset any healthy person. Here's where I need help. What were some of the ways in which you set a boundary with this? My mom does the same thing to me, ironically.

Thanks

bigaquagirl

I have a person in my life that loves to collect gossip and then tell me all about it. I'm the type of person who remembers everything and what everyone said. Well, all this information, most of which is just other people problems, is building up in my mind like a garbage pile. So I've told her before not to do this to me probably three times before... but never stoped her. On friday, I was in the car with her for four hours and I reached my limit. I yelled at her. We didnt talk till next morning. The next morning I toled her that I dont need any of this garbage as it all stays in my mind. I dont truffic gossip, why do I need this... all this hurting me! She appologised but I dont know how long it will last now. I guess maybe you have to remind people not to dump their emotions on you, if you have no capacity to help them with their problems.

LexieCat

If you're separated, I don't see why you need to listen to any of it. What is the purpose of the communication--or should I say, the ostensible purpose?

What is the "goal" of the separation? Are you hoping she will get sober? February was six months ago. You can limit the contact to whatever level you want it to be. You can tell her that you've got your own problems to deal with, remind her that you are separated, and suggest she discuss her problems with someone else. And then END the conversation.

Yeah, she will be ticked, she will accuse you of not caring, etc. But you are separated for a REASON. If you have to listen to this crap every time you talk to her, is there really hope for the marriage?

Refiner

It really is as simple as stating: "Have you ever noticed that every discussion we have is negative and about things that aren't right in YOUR life? I have, and you need to be aware of it. I have decided that I can only have discussions with you if we need to exchange information relating to X Y or Z. I highly recommend seeing a therapist to talk to for all the negativity you find in your life." And BAM, you've set a boundary. And if the negativity starts up in another discussion you simply say "gotta go" and click goes the phone or the door and she'll know why.

Ap052183

This was a huge issue with my ex. He'd get drunk and tell me about every emotional experience of his life...how his mom never once picked him up from school...how his parents disregarded that he was suicidal...that his boss criticized his shoes. Omg everything caused him to fall apart. I was emotionally exhausted constantly.
As far as advice...idk. I left because he refused to go to therapy. We're not therapists, we're partners. Do you plan on divorcing? If she's not pulling her emotional weight its not a functional relationship.

AnvilheadII

is there any REASON to continue to have contact?

if these conversations are by phone you can hang up ANY time. you don't HAVE to listen, hell you don't have to ANSWER. same with your mom. you are an adult and get to decide who you will speak with and how you will allow yourself to spoken to.

FeelingGreat

Pebbles it sound like both of you need to move on. You because she gets you down while increasing your dependence on her, and she because she's getting to let off steam without having to address the A word. It's like being married to you and still getting to drink.
Both of you may be lonely. Try to limit contact with her to the absolute necessary and seek contact outside your home.

Pebbles2012

That sounds just like my wife. She used to dump her baggage on me anytime she drank. She was never like this when we first got together. She was impatient but never this full of drama. Any issue I had was discounted cuz her situation was always worse.

I guess I need to get better at detaching from this. We live separately but lately she's been calling/texting only when she needs something. I admit that when I first moved out back in Feb I was not clear on what I wanted but I told my wife how stressed out she made me. Basically everything was a reason for her to get stressed out. Her mood she defaults to is anger and defensiveness and that is a deal breaker for me.

Refiner

Sounds mentally draining. I'm guessing you've been much happier away from her and would be even happier if she stopped her emotional dumping and anger? If so, since you never had outlined your goals in living apart, now is the time. Let hef know what you're feeling and where you stand and start the process.

hopeful4

Step away. She likely has been this way her entire life, and it's not likely to change. When it starts up, time to go!

Pebbles2012

It's incredibly draining. It's no wonder being apart from her has been so liberating and stress free. I really don't even think she knows she does it. I need to tell her next time it happens. Since I'm a "fixer" it plays so well into my fixing but I've been working on that too. I'm amazed at how similar my relationship is with my mom. It's just crazy and frustrating.