I'm tired of being crazy...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
I'm tired of being crazy...
I don't want to be crazy any more, but this whiskey turns me bat sh!t insane.
Suicide is always an option, but not a very good one. I've got my boys, and they can't even get a drink of water without me, so no chance I could do that to them. They don't realize it, but they've kept me alive over the past 2 years. They're great boys, and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I just realized, the first business I started is still successfully humming along, eh? That's pretty cool, isn't? I started that thing back in Nov 2000, so about 15 years ago, and it's still alive and doing well. I don't know, but I think it's nice to see a creation of mine still going strong after all this time.
I don't know. I'm back to being crazy. I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well. F me.
Suicide is always an option, but not a very good one. I've got my boys, and they can't even get a drink of water without me, so no chance I could do that to them. They don't realize it, but they've kept me alive over the past 2 years. They're great boys, and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I just realized, the first business I started is still successfully humming along, eh? That's pretty cool, isn't? I started that thing back in Nov 2000, so about 15 years ago, and it's still alive and doing well. I don't know, but I think it's nice to see a creation of mine still going strong after all this time.
I don't know. I'm back to being crazy. I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well. F me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Things will improve if you put the bottle down and keep it down Troy - not immediately, but you'll stop the wild mood swings pretty quickly.
You can stop anytime you like...it takes a big commitment and a commitment to change but it's definitely not impossible.
You can leave the crazy behind
If you're thinking at all seriously about harming yourself there are international numbers, and other resources here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
You can stop anytime you like...it takes a big commitment and a commitment to change but it's definitely not impossible.
You can leave the crazy behind
If you're thinking at all seriously about harming yourself there are international numbers, and other resources here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You aren't crazy Troy, just Drunk. It doesn't take strength to do this either, just acceptance. Accepting that picking up a bottle is simply not an option. Accepting that all the pain is self inflicted and 100% preventable using what you already have inside you.
If you can't put down the bottle for yourself tonight do it for your boys. They deserve better and you can do better. An as Dee says, if you are thinking of hurting yourself call for help immediately. 911 works too...don't be afraid to call.
If you can't put down the bottle for yourself tonight do it for your boys. They deserve better and you can do better. An as Dee says, if you are thinking of hurting yourself call for help immediately. 911 works too...don't be afraid to call.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,666
Hi Troy. Whiskey turned my dad into a monster! I don't know what it was but he was paranoid about us all, he just turned into a human I'd rather forget.
I think it must do some very mind altering changes! The thing is, he didn't realise we saw him alter, we didn't understand it but knew when he drank he changed.
I think it must do some very mind altering changes! The thing is, he didn't realise we saw him alter, we didn't understand it but knew when he drank he changed.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Troy, it's a long haul, I'm not going to lie. But if you quit drinking, you get a whole lot saner, fast. And then you can do what you need to do about the rest of the stuff.
If you're still drinking, pour it out and go to bed. Get on here first thing in the morning and start making a plan and putting it into action.
If you're still drinking, pour it out and go to bed. Get on here first thing in the morning and start making a plan and putting it into action.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Hey Troy,
My drinking and the health problems it caused was a slow suicide rather than a quick one and I went along with it for quite some time. I did not know how to live without alcohol. I also didn't know how to live with alcohol in the last two years of my drinking. I thought about my own death often and wondered when it would be and what it would look like. I had already been warned by health professionals that I had to stop and I still continued.
What changed? Well, I decided that I actually did want to live. I don't have children like you but I have a lot to live for too. I guess the only way to explain it is the torture of the daily cycle of drinking, waking up in withdrawal, going to work with withdrawal, driving home in withdrawal, and then trying to drink away the withdrawal became too much and one day sobriety all of a sudden looked like the easier way out and it was.
You feel so much better when you stop taking the sledgehammer and smashing your head with it. That's really what it felt like every day as I'd try to drink enough water and eat enough food to battle the hangover/withdrawal.
I didn't know if I could stop forever but the longer I was away from drinking the less I missed it and started to wonder how in the hell I carried on as long as I did, feeling like my body was going to die and my head was going to explode.
If I wasn't able to do it when and how I did (with hours and hours of SR and and an unflinching feeling and belief that I was no longer go to kill myself) I would have gone to a 30 day inpatient rehab.
Some people stop when things get a little bad and others stop when they have no choice. I thought I was one of the people that would never stop and would end up killing myself in the process. I really thought that but here I am and I've been sober a year.
I just want you to know that you can do it too.
My drinking and the health problems it caused was a slow suicide rather than a quick one and I went along with it for quite some time. I did not know how to live without alcohol. I also didn't know how to live with alcohol in the last two years of my drinking. I thought about my own death often and wondered when it would be and what it would look like. I had already been warned by health professionals that I had to stop and I still continued.
What changed? Well, I decided that I actually did want to live. I don't have children like you but I have a lot to live for too. I guess the only way to explain it is the torture of the daily cycle of drinking, waking up in withdrawal, going to work with withdrawal, driving home in withdrawal, and then trying to drink away the withdrawal became too much and one day sobriety all of a sudden looked like the easier way out and it was.
You feel so much better when you stop taking the sledgehammer and smashing your head with it. That's really what it felt like every day as I'd try to drink enough water and eat enough food to battle the hangover/withdrawal.
I didn't know if I could stop forever but the longer I was away from drinking the less I missed it and started to wonder how in the hell I carried on as long as I did, feeling like my body was going to die and my head was going to explode.
If I wasn't able to do it when and how I did (with hours and hours of SR and and an unflinching feeling and belief that I was no longer go to kill myself) I would have gone to a 30 day inpatient rehab.
Some people stop when things get a little bad and others stop when they have no choice. I thought I was one of the people that would never stop and would end up killing myself in the process. I really thought that but here I am and I've been sober a year.
I just want you to know that you can do it too.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Troy, if you take the 'easy' way out, suicide, you will scar your boys forever. I've seen the wash-up of this action and people never really recover.
You sound very depressed, and of course the alcohol is self-medication and also making it worse.
Scary as sobriety seems, it's sheer heaven compared to 'having' to drink all the time and hating yourself for it. Please go and see your doctor, and be very honest with him/her about how much you drink and your state of mind. Are there any friends or family who can take you to that first appointment just to help you get there?
There is a fantastic life out there for you.
You sound very depressed, and of course the alcohol is self-medication and also making it worse.
Scary as sobriety seems, it's sheer heaven compared to 'having' to drink all the time and hating yourself for it. Please go and see your doctor, and be very honest with him/her about how much you drink and your state of mind. Are there any friends or family who can take you to that first appointment just to help you get there?
There is a fantastic life out there for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Troy I feel your pain! I felt like that after my last arrested on 11th for a 3rd DUI. I have to kids myself and as I type this my daughter is asking me to get her some ice water! Ironic isn't it! Put down the bottle. We're here to help and I'm here trying to turn my life around. You can too!
Originally Posted by TroyW 
I don't want to be crazy any more, but this whiskey turns me bat sh!t insane.
Suicide is always an option, but not a very good one. I've got my boys, and they can't even get a drink of water without me, so no chance I could do that to them. They don't realize it, but they've kept me alive over the past 2 years. They're great boys, and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I just realized, the first business I started is still successfully humming along, eh? That's pretty cool, isn't? I started that thing back in Nov 2000, so about 15 years ago, and it's still alive and doing well. I don't know, but I think it's nice to see a creation of mine still going strong after all this time.
I don't know. I'm back to being crazy. I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well. F me.
Suicide is always an option, but not a very good one. I've got my boys, and they can't even get a drink of water without me, so no chance I could do that to them. They don't realize it, but they've kept me alive over the past 2 years. They're great boys, and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I just realized, the first business I started is still successfully humming along, eh? That's pretty cool, isn't? I started that thing back in Nov 2000, so about 15 years ago, and it's still alive and doing well. I don't know, but I think it's nice to see a creation of mine still going strong after all this time.
I don't know. I'm back to being crazy. I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well. F me.
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Troy, I hope you can put the bottle down, for you and the boys. You are better than this. I really enjoy reading your posts.
By the end of my drinking 5 weeks ago I was at the point of being almost completely crazy. Im pretty sure I was about to lose it completely. Now I'm absolutely fine. Take away the whiskey and you'll be the same.
By the end of my drinking 5 weeks ago I was at the point of being almost completely crazy. Im pretty sure I was about to lose it completely. Now I'm absolutely fine. Take away the whiskey and you'll be the same.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by TroyW
I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well.
I think I can control this.
I think next time will be different.
I think I can limit myself to just once a week.
At one time I fervently believed each of those, and they were all wrong. That was my addiction fabricating lies in my head so that I would drink some more.
Fast forward to:
I don't think I can do this.
Just another lie from the same source as the previous lies.
You can do this. Rootin' for ya!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Troy, you deserve better than this. Deep down, you know you have the strength to get you back.
Getting sober is one of the toughest battles I have ever had to go through and wouldn't wish addiction on anyone. That being said, you are strong enough to beat this. You've got to commit, or nothing will get better... Break the cycle.
Put the bottle down and get your life back. We believe in you.
Getting sober is one of the toughest battles I have ever had to go through and wouldn't wish addiction on anyone. That being said, you are strong enough to beat this. You've got to commit, or nothing will get better... Break the cycle.
Put the bottle down and get your life back. We believe in you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Sobriety may feel like a 'long haul' right now.... But even longer and truly terrifying is the long haul of continued alcoholic insanity.
Somewhere inside you already know this. A small but essential knowing is in there and it speaks to you sometimes.
Make friends with THAT Troy, and honor that knowing.
Sobriety will bring you relief and wondering sooner than you can imagine. It takes change and action, but each action and change is one step toward a freedom you will cherish.
Life is far too beautiful to waste on booze-addled struggles.
Will you choose sobriety, today?
Somewhere inside you already know this. A small but essential knowing is in there and it speaks to you sometimes.
Make friends with THAT Troy, and honor that knowing.
Sobriety will bring you relief and wondering sooner than you can imagine. It takes change and action, but each action and change is one step toward a freedom you will cherish.
Life is far too beautiful to waste on booze-addled struggles.
Will you choose sobriety, today?
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Troy,
Put down the booze.
Drink water and eat some healthy food when you crave. Eat your favorite sweets.
Get serious about your sobriety.
Pretend you already ruined yourself. Pretend you lost everything.
Pretend there are no more chances.
Then, enjoy your freedom from alcohol.
Start every day with the plan of...I am not drinking today.
I am not drinking today.
Put down the booze.
Drink water and eat some healthy food when you crave. Eat your favorite sweets.
Get serious about your sobriety.
Pretend you already ruined yourself. Pretend you lost everything.
Pretend there are no more chances.
Then, enjoy your freedom from alcohol.
Start every day with the plan of...I am not drinking today.
I am not drinking today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
Troy, maybe go see the dr. I know you mentioned tapering for a while.
Withdrawals suck no sugar coat or bs but your are prolonging your own misery.
Ah I loved whiskey but it made me downright evil. It also gave me gut rot. A term I use to describe the pain in my stomach/liver after heavy use.
Congrats on your business but it's time to take care of yourself and be there for the boys long term. I believe you also mentioned a long term goal of moving to another country. Save the booze money so you can move quicker. Take care.
Withdrawals suck no sugar coat or bs but your are prolonging your own misery.
Ah I loved whiskey but it made me downright evil. It also gave me gut rot. A term I use to describe the pain in my stomach/liver after heavy use.
Congrats on your business but it's time to take care of yourself and be there for the boys long term. I believe you also mentioned a long term goal of moving to another country. Save the booze money so you can move quicker. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by TroyW
I don't want to be crazy any more, but this whiskey turns me bat sh!t insane.
Suicide is always an option, but not a very good one. I've got my boys, and they can't even get a drink of water without me, so no chance I could do that to them. They don't realize it, but they've kept me alive over the past 2 years. They're great boys, and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I just realized, the first business I started is still successfully humming along, eh? That's pretty cool, isn't? I started that thing back in Nov 2000, so about 15 years ago, and it's still alive and doing well. I don't know, but I think it's nice to see a creation of mine still going strong after all this time.
I don't know. I'm back to being crazy. I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well. F me.
Suicide is always an option, but not a very good one. I've got my boys, and they can't even get a drink of water without me, so no chance I could do that to them. They don't realize it, but they've kept me alive over the past 2 years. They're great boys, and I'd never do anything to hurt them.
I just realized, the first business I started is still successfully humming along, eh? That's pretty cool, isn't? I started that thing back in Nov 2000, so about 15 years ago, and it's still alive and doing well. I don't know, but I think it's nice to see a creation of mine still going strong after all this time.
I don't know. I'm back to being crazy. I really don't believe I have the strength to do this, and can't see this ending well. F me.
Congratulations on a successful business. That is something very positive to focus on and be proud of. I have 2 'boys' too...and a human girl who all need me. As your boys need you. And your business.
It helps me to remember that alcoholic drinking literally changes my brain. It causes deep depression, anxiety and fear. The shame from doing something I know in my heart is wrong is soul shattering. But for sure, when the booze is removed, things get better. Maybe not always as fast as I would like, but they always get better. I just have to give my brain, and soul, enough time to heal.
Little story. One night after my husband died, I think about 6 months after, I was plastered. Big bender. I guess I had started my car, pulled it out of the garage, but decided driving was not such a good idea. I don't really know what happened but the police are there, asking me if I'd driven, and all I kept asking them was 'do you see them?' They replied 'see what?', 'the shadow people, they're after me.'. Yeah. Now that's crazy. They arrested me for DUI, put me in jail (probably should have hospitalized me) but it was dropped because there was no proof I had driven. I assure you, I'm not crazy. But that is where booze can take me. I was tired of being crazy too. And not drinking was the only way to sanity. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I have been clinically depressed forever. Some times worse than others. Booze on top of that condition is lethal. I generally could "hold it together" but there were times when I drank that suicide crossed my mind. It has NEVER been an option when I was sober. So... to recap: Sober - no suicidal ideations. Drinking - occasional suicidal ideations.
Drinking is making you crazy. Not the other way around. Stay strong Troy. Your furbabies need you, as does the world.
Drinking is making you crazy. Not the other way around. Stay strong Troy. Your furbabies need you, as does the world.
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